Fundamentally Soundd

Pitchforked! (Vol. 2): 5.8/10

2011-04-14T10:45:00.000-07:00

Pitchfork is a website which primarily focuses on reviewing indie music. Generally speaking, I like the site a lot and admit that its writers are far better at writing than I ever will be. In fact, the site's reviewers introduced me to some of my favorite acts – including MGMT and Springsteen. Occasionally, though, their writing seems as though it's trying a little too hard to prove something. "Pitchforked" highlights these moments.

The practice of taking questionable writing and making fun of it was made popular by the blog Fire Joe Morgan. FJM is defunct, but the tradition continues on at Kissing Suzy Kolber (I also love KSK's usage of all-CAPS to make a joke funnier). I don't think I'm ripping them off; rather, I'm just expanding their idea from sports to music. Still, I'd feel sleazy if I didn't credit them with the idea.

One final note: Pitchfork is known to retroactively edit posts without warning its readers. This means that some of the quotes I feature here may no longer be part of what's posted as the "official" review. Believe me - I didn't make these quotes up.

From the review of the Crystal Stilts’ In Love With Oblivion

“What’s up with that guy’s singing, anyway?”

Hipster observational comedy is not very funny. “So what’s the deal with Moleskines? And do Polaroids really need to be shaken? I mean, am I right?”

“…in 2008, when Crystal Stilts emerged as one of the more interesting acts in the lo-fi Brooklyn jangle-pop pile.”

Jangle-pop piles are the natural result of years of wind and rain slowly wearing down rocks into fashionably alternative shapes. Geologists refer to it “gentrificerosion”.

“However, you didn't really need to know what he was saying (or, for that matter, what key it was supposed to be sung in) to dive deep into the lonely, dark, and difficult-to-inhabit world of Alight of Night.”

You didn’t really need to know what was being sung or how it sounded in order to enjoy it. I don’t even have a joke here; that’s literally what the guy just wrote. I guess it’s kind of like you don’t have to know what a Pitchfork writer is talking about or what language he’s using in order to enjoy mocking him.

“The murkiness continues to recede on the band's sophomore effort”

A receeding murkline occurs in nearly 70% of indie bands by their third album. There is no cure for male pattern murkiness.

“He can be funny, too-- like on "Invisible City", when he sings about crawling into a sarcophagus with a girl before repeating, like a too-clever suspect in the interrogation room, ‘We know what happened at death/ But I don't have to say why.’”

What? How is that funny in any way at all? Again, hipster comedy is pretty stupid. “Hey, have you heard the one about the girl, the sarcophagus, and the thinly veiled existentialist comment?”

From the review of Jeremy Jay’s Dream Diary

“Though overlong by about a third, the Bishop Allen-by-way-of-Modest Mouse bends of "In the Times", and the Belle and Sebastian-like breeze of "Shayla" boast some of Jay's finest lures yet.”

This was the second-to-last sentence in the whole review and I count three references in it. The over/under for references in this review was 3.5, so I feel like there was probably some reference-shaving that led to this sentence being written.

Gone 'Til September

2011-02-10T07:39:00.000-08:00

For the past several weeks, I’ve written these posts as a series of short thoughts instead of one coherent column. I admit that it’s a much lazier form of writing, but hopefully you’ve been entertained by it anyway.

1. I wrote a column last week making fun of Pitchfork’s writing style. I hope it wasn’t in bad taste or anything – I even added a disclaimer admitting that I know that Pitchfork’s writers are far better than I’ll ever be.

When I re-read it, I noticed a certain level of hypocrisy in the fact that I praised the hilarious blog Kissing Suzy Kolber even though in the past I’ve written that I’m firmly against the blogosphere’s hatred of Bill Simmons and Peter King. I feel as though some clarification is necessary.

KSK’s funniest writer is Drew Magary, and the way he skewers Simmons and King is so funny that I can’t help but laugh even though I like Simmons and King a lot. Magary’s writing style can best be described as highbrow vulgarity – his witty satire is wrapped in a thick layer of [expletive] jokes. In a way, his style is a lot like South Park’s. You’ll either love it or hate it. When South Park satirizes some aspect of society, they usually take some trivial flaw and create a caricaturized version that we can laugh at. I never got the feeling that anything South Park did was mean-spirited, and most of the time the show is brilliant (in fact, we’re approaching the point where The Simpsons vs. South Park could become a legitimate debate. I’d still go with The Simpsons, but South Park’s quality this decade comes close to how The Simpsons owned the ‘90s.)

Is it hypocritical to like Magary, Simmons and King? I don’t think so. I know that some of Magary’s edgier material can elicit a cringe (much like South Park), but he is in my view the funniest sportswriter working right now. He creates a caricature of Simmons and King and runs with it. I think that there are lesser talents that take gratuitous shots at Simmons and King and I’m not really a fan of that. THAT’S RIGHT, I’M VAGUELY CALLING OUT A STRAW MAN! RESPECT ME!

2 . 2. Rome is Burning is a damn good TV show and 30 for 30 is overrated. There, I said it.

It’s easy but misleading to lump Rome in with the rest of the sports media personalities who come off as bombastic without saying very much. Rome actually takes interesting, original angles on a lot of issues and his show is definitely worth watching on a regular basis.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same about 30 for 30. Allen Iverson is one of my favorite basketball players ever and the Knicks-Pacers rivalry was a cornerstone of my childhood sports fandom. I assumed this meant that the documentaries about those two would be incredible. I found myself instead staring at the clock and waiting for them to end. They aren’t awful or anything, it’s just that they’re kind of boring. I watched another 30 for 30 about a subject which I thought seemed interesting but didn’t have a big role in my life in case I was biased by already knowing a good amount about Iverson and Pacers-Knicks. The documentary I picked (the one about the USFL) was pretty boring too. The movies are all well made and everything, but they feel kind of like someone reading a term paper out loud.

3. More mainstream sports media talk: the NFL Network’s analyst team is deeper than any other network’s. Deion Sanders is as good as Cris Collinsworth, and Michael Irvin, Kurt Warner and Marshall Faulk are all just below those two. Even Warren Sapp and Steve Mariucci are pretty good.

I always liked Fox’s NFL broadcast better than CBS’s. My friends and I were talking about this and it turns out that if you’re an AFC fan, you prefer CBS and if you’re an NFC fan you prefer Fox. I assumed I’d be able to separate my love for the Cowboys from an objective appraisal of broadcast quality, but apparently not.

4. I 4. I watched the Super Bowl in a Steelers bar downtown. The whole trip was obviously more expensive than just staying home and watching, but the atmosphere when they played “Black and Yellow” during the commercial break right after Pittsburgh made it 28-25 was worth the price of admission.

5. 5. Football Outsiders had a great article about how Ben Roethlisberger is not as clutch as we think he is. As always, their logic is impeccable and the article is worth a read if you have the time.

I don’t think Roethlisberger’s stock should fall too far, however. At this stage in their respective careers, I believe that Manning, Brady, Brees, Rodgers and Roethlisberger are all more or less the same.

I’ve wrote about this before, but I think that there are too many good quarterbacks in the NFL now to say that there is one who is the best. Manning and Brady have the pedigree, but they no longer have the ability to buy time by getting away from a pass rush. Brees and Rodgers, at this point in their careers, are more explosive than Brady and Manning but each of them still makes too many dumb throws (Rodgers had three multi-INT games this year and Brees threw 22 picks). Roethlisberger has the athletic ability to make plays that the other four top quarterbacks simply can’t – the best example of which is the huge play in Baltimore when he escaped the Terrell Suggs sack. Roethlisberger is also more durable than the others in some respects. For example, a few big hits forced Rodgers into an awful game two weeks ago in Chicago (another multi-INT, no TD game for him). On the other hand, Roethlisberger seemed to play better as the slugfest versus Baltimore went on.

These five quarterbacks have different strengths and weaknesses and I’m indifferent between the five of them. It’s possible that Rodgers leaves everyone in the dust over the next few years, but I sincerely doubt it.

6 . 6. Finally, some basketball thoughts.

a. Kevin Garnett’s antics have made the Celtics more unlikable than everyone except the Heat. I used to like KG a lot (both in Minnesota and his first few seasons in Boston) but he’s so over the top with his fake tough guy routine that I can’t help but root against him at this point.

b. John Hollinger made a great case for why LeBron James should be MVP this year and I agree 100%. I don’t like what he did to Cleveland, and I was hoping we could give the award this year to Derrick Rose or Kevin Durant. Unfortunately, LeBron is having another monster season and, assuming the rest of the season plays out the way the first 50+ games did, he should get his third straight MVP.

c. Speaking of Rose and Durant, I couldn’t be happier that those two guys could be the face of the NBA for the next ten years. They are two of the top six players in the league and they carry themselves in a way that other superstars (KG, LeBron, Carmelo) do not.

d. I kind of like Kobe Bryant now. I’ve spent the last ten years rooting passionately against the guy but the unlikely emergence of Miami and Boston as villains has taken the edge off of my dislike of Kobe. Plus, he consistently provides some of the funniest quotes in the league. For example:

Reporter: Kobe, what do you think of the Andrew Bynum rumors?
Kobe: We discuss all kinds of rumors now. We were just talking about UFOs, actually.

It wouldn’t be all that funny if you were expecting him to make a joke OR if he said it with a phony smile in an attempt to endear himself to the media. Instead, he delivered it in a deadpan voice and with a glare that basically said “that’s a dumb [expletive] question.”

Kobe’s big problem used to be phoniness. He used to try so hard to be as universally loved as Jordan. I think he’s ditched that act, for the most part. If the Lakers make it past the Spurs and play the Celtics in the Finals, I’ll (grudgingly) pull for Boston just because I don’t want to give the morons who make the “Kobe > Jordan” argument any more ammunition.

e. For some reason, the Spurs remain completely underrated. Most basketball fans and ESPN analysts will still pick the Lakers over the Spurs to win the West even though San Antonio is running away with the conference right now. I feel like a Spurs-Celtics Finals is easily the most likely outcome at this point in the season.

f. I’ve been a Mavericks fan for nearly three years now (since my favorite player, Jason Kidd, got traded to them). The Nets are moving to Brooklyn soon and are probably going to change their uniforms and team name. I always thought I’d remain a fan of the new franchise, but I don’t really know if I want to anymore. New location, new name, new uniforms = no connection to the team I’ve spent the last 15 years rooting for.

I fully expect that within five years, the appeal of playing in a new arena in Brooklyn with Prokhorov and Jay-Z will draw some superstars to come play for the new team. Someday soon, they will be competitive and have a good fan base. Unfortunately, I won’t have any connection to that team. The Nets of my childhood will be dead and gone, and we won’t even be ironically cool like the Seattle Supersonics since nobody besides me and three of my friends ever cared about the Nets anyway. I can’t blame them for leaving, though I wish that they had tried moving to Newark as soon as that arena was built (the Meadowlands is an awful place to play sports since there’s no readily available public transportation there).

I already have the Dallas connection going with the Cowboys and I could see myself adopting the Mavericks once my actual favorite team ceases to exist.

g. Did you notice that I formatted this article in the manner of a Peter King “10 Things I Think I Think”? I just went meta! (note: after posting this, it looks like the numbers are cut off because the synergy between Blogger and Microsoft Word sucks. A few words look like they are cut off as well, but it's usually just "I" or "the" or something easy to figure out. Sorry for the ugliness. Aesthetics is everything.)

I won’t be writing regularly during the NFL offseason except for the occasional post about hipsterdom. Thanks to everyone for reading, and I’ll see you in September. Unless Roger Goodell ruins everything.

Pitchforked! (Vol. 1): 3.7/10

2011-01-27T05:47:00.001-08:00

Pitchfork is a website which primarily focuses on reviewing indie music. Generally speaking, I like the site a lot and admit that its writers are far better at writing than I ever will be. In fact, the site's reviewers introduced me to some of my favorite acts – including MGMT and Springsteen. Occasionally, though, their writing seems as though it's trying a little too hard to prove something. "Pitchforked" highlights these moments.

From the review of Talib Kweli's Gutter Rainbows:

"The beats on Gutter Rainbows are tight-enough neo-soul by committee-- 13 producers handle 14 tracks -- and most of it sounds like faintly modernized versions of Rawkus-circa-2002 boom-bap, with the occasional outlier in the form of a post-"Hello Brooklyn" old-school banger (Khrysis' "I'm on One") or atmospheric synthesizer dirge (Blaq Toven's "How You Love Me")."

Wait for it….wait for it…

"But isolating the beats from the rapper seems futile."

Bam! I feel like the ENTIRE previous sentence was all about isolating these beats. You just compared them to something called Rawkus-circa-2002 boom-bap (not to be confused with Rawkus-circa-2003 boom-bap, which was entirely different).

From the review of Destroyer's Kaput:

"Every era has a sound."

For example, the Victorian Era is known for a hilarious amount of fart sounds due to the 19^th century invention of the whoopee cushion.

"But Bejar's essential complexity ultimately feels human. It seems absurd to look for genuine wisdom in music in 2011, when we're constantly gorging ourselves on the all-you-can-eat buffet of post-modern web culture."

I like how you started a sentence with 'but' – classic hipster proseslinging. But I don't know about "constantly gorging myself on the all-you-can-eat-buffet of post-modern web culture". Are you calling me fat? I tried to eat the internet ONE TIME. Gimme a break!

From the review of The 1900's Return of the Century:

"If the sentiments are tough, the music itself is tender, borrowing from Belle & Sebastian and Brill Building pop to create a sound that is both pastoral and urbane, straightforward yet sophisticated."

Pastoral, but urbane. Straightforward, but sophisticated. Esoteric, yet accessible. Light, but great-tasting. Mud-wrestly, yet classy.

From the review of The Jayhawks' Hollywood Town Hall/ Tomorrow the Green Grass:

"What the Jayhawks never drifted toward was success-- at least not the kind that they and their fans felt the music warranted. Even so, a full 25 years after forming, the Jayhawks don't come across as also-rans, which is itself a minor miracle."

Other minor miracles include: convincing people that Animal Collective is a good band; making Park Slope the new Williamsburg; Zooey Deschanel.

"Those tightly intertwined vocals are reset in a dusty, electrified setting, marking perhaps the Jayhawks' greatest innovation."

Sadly, the Jayhawks would lose to Creighton in the second round of March Irony.

"The five bonus tracks neither distract from nor add to the original, but they do reveal the tracklist as a model of economic editing and sequencing."

Neither distract nor add! Hipsters are not constrained by our math operators. Addition and subtraction are played out. Actually, Pitchfork would never say something is "played out" since the term itself is dated. They would say something like "…the once formidable duo Addition & Subtraction – an early-decade dancehall staple which rose to towering heights on the strength of its bubblegum synthesizers and devil-may-care baselines – ultimately descended into self-parody in mid-2005."

Damn that's actually pretty good. Maybe Pitchfork is hiring?

No, Really, I Swear!

2011-01-23T09:40:00.001-08:00

I couldn't really come up with one coherent column idea this week, so here's a bunch of thoughts I had while waiting for the best Sunday of the year:

One night in late August, my high school friends and I were hanging out with a few beers and talking about the upcoming NFL season. I should clarify that by "high school friends", I mean people that I was friends with growing up – I don't want to imply that I enjoy casual drinking with seventeen year olds. Anyway, one of my friends asked each of us to share our Super Bowl prediction.

I picked the Jets to play the Packers. I don't have this in writing, so I guess it doesn't count.

Two picks I DID get into writing? I said the Patriots would miss the playoffs and that the Redskins would make them. Again, I suck at picking NFL games and the fact that my Jets-Packers pick is still alive is basically a fluke. But like…I'm just sayin'.

I never expected to write a weekly football column for Fundamentally Soundd, but they're way too much fun to write. I don't even know what I'm going to writing about once the Super Bowl is done. Nobody writes a weekly basketball column, and I don't really like baseball or college basketball enough to write about them. Daggers all around.

I'll take the Jets by seven and Packers by 21.

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Championship Sunday is my favorite day of the season. The matchups and storylines are great every year, and each year almost always gives us at least one classic game. Last year's Minnesota-New Orleans game was fantastic, as were both '08 games (ARZ-PHI and PIT-BAL), '07 NFC (NYG-GB) and '06 AFC (NE-IND). Championship Sunday feels a lot like the few minutes riiiight after school got out on Friday before a three day weekend. In those few minutes, you knew you had the maximum amount of freedom with three full days separating you from class again. Similarly, today we get to indulge in two potentially awesome football games with the knowledge that we still get the Super Bowl to look forward to. There's literally nothing to do but sit back, watch Pokemon cartoons and ask mom to make a snack.

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I've said this before, but the NFL Network is awesome. Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin are great, Marshall Faulk and Steve Mariucci are pretty good, and Rich Eisen is the best studio host on television. I'd even take Eisen over TNT's Ernie Johnson, which is saying a lot. Anyway, Irvin told a great story this morning before bringing up an excellent point.

Essentially, he said that when he first came into the league he was interviewed by the man who at the time held all the Cowboys receiving records, Drew Pearson. The young Irvin felt overwhelmed by the man's stats and thought he'd never catch him (he did). He did, however, set a realistic goal of topping Pearson's Super Bowl ring total. After telling this story this morning, Irvin pointed out that in Green Bay, Aaron Rodgers will never break Brett Favre's records for passing yards or touchdowns. But since Favre only won one ring, Rodgers could actually eclipse Favre in Packers history by bringing home the Lombardi trophy and eventually retiring as a Packer.

Speaking of Favre, I remained a fan of watching him play football until he retired. Hate to pull a John Madden here, but big games undoubtedly felt bigger with Favre in them. Two of the best five football games of my college career (MIN-NO and GB-NYG) featured Favre. I know it's become chic to hate on the guy, but I never really jumped on that bandwagon for the same reason I don't hate Tim Tebow. You can't hate someone just because the media fawns over them, even if it is excessive.

Even though I never hated Favre, I don't have it in me to really defend him either. As much as I liked watching him play, he was obnoxious – but never criminal - in the way he treated women during his time with the Jets and Vikings. Plus, every post-game interview this season he kept praising himself for his toughness and how brilliant his career was. It would be a nice story if, like Emmitt Smith did with Dallas, Favre signed a meaningless contract to retire as a Packer. I don't think it's going to happen though. From what I can tell based on his arrogance during those post-game interviews and press conferences, Favre doesn't think of himself as "Brett Favre, Green Bay Packer." He thinks of himself as "Brett Favre, Inc."

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Finally , on-campus recruiting (OCR) is going on right now and all my friends who are juniors are freaking out. OCR is a big deal at Wharton because it's when all the big investment banks and consultancies come to campus to look for interns. Strong performance during an internship with a premier company after your junior year usually results in a full-time job offer for you, which takes all the stress out of senior year.

My friend Steve told me that he wished that NFL teams came to campus during OCR and that we could apply to have coaching internships with them. We wouldn't be doing grunt work like splicing film or getting Gatorade for people. Instead, the internship would be ten weeks of learning how to break down film and come up with a game plan. Maybe we could even learn how to tank for a better draft pick or engage in a bitter power struggle with management.

The classic Whartonite status obsession would obviously carry over to NFL OCR. Undergraduates studying finance are the only people in the world who think $15,000 for ten weeks' work is disappointing if it comes from one of the "less prestigious" banks. To be fair, I'd look down on anyone who only got an offer from the Panthers. That's so weak. At that point I'd probably just go to grad school.

My first choice would be the Cowboys. Since they hired Rob Ryan (Rex's brother) as the defensive coordinator, I figure that would be the ideal place to learn a lot about scheming while working for my favorite team. My nightmare scenario would be if I only got offers from Philadelphia and Washington.

People going into financial services often think about exit opportunities. Most investment banking analyst classes last two years, and many analysts move on to private equity or a hedge fund once the two years are finished. Consulting has a similar structure. NFL opportunities would be all about the coaching tree. You would THINK that you'd want to work for Bill Belichick, but his coaching tree's track record is pretty bad. If I was going to pick based solely on exit opportunities – defined here as which coaching tree you would want to be a part of – I'd pick Sean Payton and hope some of the Parcells magic is transferred to me.

Cute Kittens

2011-01-15T10:56:00.001-08:00

Google's Blogger service provides surprisingly powerful analytic tools to see how much traffic your blog gets. To be clear, I write this thing as a hobby and don't particularly care about my page views – I never make it my Facebook status or promote it in any way. I tweet links to all my columns, but this is the equivalent of when I would pretend I was Michael Jordan as a little kid. "Simmons and Whitlock tweet column links too! I'M JUST LIKE THEM!!!!".

I dove into Fundamentally Soundd's traffic stats last week and found something that was absolutely hilarious. Most of the time, I give my columns snarky titles (like last week's "GalleryFurniture.com Seattle Home Game Bowl"). One week, I titled my column "America's Game of the Week". That week's column is the most viewed Fundamentally Soundd article by a factor of ten. Why? Because when you Google "America's Game of the Week", my article is the number four result! Even though I still don't care about traffic and will continue not promoting the site, I couldn't resist giving this column a truly horrific title in the hope that I'll see a hilarious spike in traffic.

To be fair, I already knew of the practice of giving things misleading names in order to get more traffic. In 9^th grade, my friend used to post videos on YouTube with very raunchy titles that would end up just being something like 45 seconds of footage of him playing video games. They all had over 5,000 views because people are gross. "Cute Kittens" is the first and last time I will do something like this.

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Last week, I wrote a lot about how people attribute things in sports to luck far too frequently. My position is the exact opposite of what my friend Angelo believes, and I asked him if he would be interested in writing a retort to my rant. Here's what he came up with (it's very good):

The idea that the best team always prevails in sporting events is Fundamentally Flawedd. Empirically, the notion that there is no luck involved in sporting contests is simply not true. Football Outsiders (a website known for its application and creation of unique football statistics) have proven that recovering fumbles is luck. Forcing fumbles is a skill, but recovering them is luck. When the ball hits the ground, each team has a 50/50 shot at recovering it. In the Giants-Patriots Super Bowl, there were 3 fumbles…all recovered by the Giants. The probability of such good fortune for the Giants is a mere .125. When something that both heavily impacts the game (turnovers in football are game-changers) and is statistically proven to be random chance favors one team to a relatively high degree of unlikelihood, how can it be said that there was no luck involved?

Another instance of luck in sports is one-run baseball games. Despite pundits creating storylines about teams being "clutch" and "finding a way to win," Bill James and other baseball analysts have pretty much done away with the notion. The only conclusive thing that can be said about one-run games (and to a lesser extent two-run games) is that there is a huge amount of luck involved in the outcomes. If winning one-run games was a skill, we would expect the teams with better overall records to generally have more success in one-run games. But no such correlation exists. For instance, just last year the 89-win Red Sox (.458) and 85-win Blue Jays (.461) had worse Winning Percentages in 1-run games than the 67-win Kansas City Royals (.473).

Let's look at the 1960 World Series between the Yankees and Pirates. The Yankees won games by scores of 16-3, 10-0, and 12-0. The Pirates won games by scores of 6-4, 3-2, 5-2, and 10-9. The conventional argument is that the Pirates were more clutch and that the Yankees couldn't handle close games. Besides being facially untrue (the 1960 Yankees featured many future all of famers and players with multiple championship rings such as Mickey Mantle and Yogi Berra), Bill James and others have shown that there is an element of luck at play in all 4 of the Pirates victories.

Even if one chooses to ignore Bill James and blindly cling to the falsehood that winning one-run games is a skill, let's take a closer look at Game 7 of that World Series. The Yankees lead 7-4 with Pittsburgh batting in the bottom of the eighth. The leadoff batter singled. The next better, Bill Virdon, hit a routine double play ball to shortstop Tony Kubek. As Kubek was about to field the ball, it struck a pebble and smashed into Kubek's throat. Kubek was badly injured, had to leave the game, and Virdon was credited with a single. Instead of two outs and no one on, there were two men on and no outs. A single, sacrifice bunt, fly-ball out, an infield single, and a 3 run home run followed, and the Pirates had a 9-7 lead. While someone can argue that the Yankees should have done a better job at mitigating damages, and that the Pirates deserve credit for taking full advantage of the situation, the simple fact remains that neither team would have been in that situation had it not been for pure, dumb luck. No rational person could argue that "If Tony Kubek were a better shortstop he would have known the exact location of a specific pebble in the infield and would have accounted for that when attempting to field the ball." Nor can one argue that Bill Virdon displayed superior skill to hit the ball with just the right direction and velocity so as to strike the pebble and injure Kubek. Both arguments are absurd.

I could go on and discuss the half-court heave in basketball, the field goal blown astray by a sudden, unexpected gust of wind, or many other things, but I've already exceeded my word limit. Game 7 of the 1960 World Series is the perfect embodiment of the metaphorical "way the ball bounces." As much as we'd like to rationalize sports and believe in the feel-good notion that on every given day the better team won, this is simply not true…and it is because of this that we love sports so much. On any given day the best team in the world can lose to the worst, no matter how statistically unlikely it may be. Let's just not confuse this notion with the idea that they were necessarily the better team on that day.

I thought Angelo made a lot of great points. I'm a big fan of Football Outsiders and I have a ton of respect for the research they do. I think my main point is that we too frequently say that an upset occurred because of luck instead of attributing it to the solid execution of a good game plan.

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Adam and I are betting one beer per football game this week. I fully expect to owe him four beers by Sunday night. Home teams in bold, wish me luck:

Pittsburgh (-3) over Baltimore

I was going to pick Baltimore until I read the Football Outsiders preview of the game. It turns out that the Steelers are easily the second best team in the league, and that by some metrics they are actually more consistent than the Patriots.

For most of the decade, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning were so much better than everyone that every conversation about the best QB started and ended with them. Last year, people added Drew Brees to the conversation. I think that our brains are wired to keeping these debates as small as possible (Bird/Magic, Ali/Frazier, Kobe/LeBron, etc.) just to keep the arguments neat and compartmentalized. The problem is that the level of quarterbacking in the NFL has become so good that what used to be a tidy two person debate is now far messier.

This year, we all agree that Brady was by far the best quarterback. But I think that Ben Roethlisberger and Aaron Rodgers have elevated their respective games to the level of Manning and Brees. Manning and Brees are far better historically, obviously, but the 2010 versions of these four are basically indistinguishable. I once wrote that the glut of awesome QBs is similar to the point guard boom in the NBA. The conversation used to just be Chris Paul vs. Derron Williams but had to be expanded because Rondo, Rose and others are so good that the differences between any of them are negligible.

I think a fun debate would be the following: If you had one game to win, would you pick Manning or Roethlisberger to be your quarterback? What if it was a playoff game? Remember, during his 2006 title run, Manning threw three touchdowns and seven interceptions over four games en route to a Super Bowl win. That pretty much cancels out Roethlisberger's awful play during the Steelers' 2005 championship run.

Green Bay over Atlanta (-2.5)

The Falcons remind me of the 2001 Chicago Bears – won a lot of close games, finished 13-3 with a bye, and got destroyed at home by a much better Eagles team.

New England (-8.5) over New York

The problem for New York is that the Patriots have 52 good football players whereas the Jets have 51 good football players and Mark Sanchez.

Chicago (-10) over Seattle

My coach of the year pick would be Bill Belichick, followed closely by Raheem Morris and Todd Haley. Spags is close, but Haley's team had more success.

I dislike Pete Carroll's antics more than anything else in the NFL. All that ridiculous fist-pumping and whatnot even though he beat the Saints 2^nd string secondary and 12h string running back in an undeserved home game. I remain a huge fan of the city of Seattle due to Microsoft, Frasier and Shawn Kemp.

Last Week: 1-3
Playoff Record: 1-3
Regular Season Record: 113-143

Galleryfurniture.com Seattle Home Game Bowl

2011-01-07T11:09:00.001-08:00

Four small columns synthesized into one to make up for not writing anything last week:

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Finishing 113-143 against the spread and last in my picks league sucked. My friend Angelo, with whom I tied for the picks title last year, won the coveted Double Crown. Angelo again tied for the lead in our picks league AND crushed everyone in our fantasy football league. Congrats to him. Angelo and I have an ongoing debate about what I will begrudgingly call "sports game efficiency" (YOU KNOW LIKE THE EFFICIENT MARKET HYPOTHESIS!??!? LOOK HOW EDUCATED I AM!!!!!!!!)

Even though the EMH is stupid, I believe in sports game efficiency. The idea is that no team is lucky – the 2007 Giants, the 2002 Buckeyes and others won by outperforming their opponents and that no other outcome should be surprising after the "more talented" team has revealed its flaws. My belief is that real life is not like a Madden simulation in which the team with higher ratings should always win.

Let's take the Giants-Patriots Super Bowl as an example. Did the Giants get lucky? No. If Asante Samuel was a better corner, he would have caught the game-sealing interception. If Rodney Harrison was a better safety, he would have knocked the ball away from David Tyree. And for the record – Tyree's catch is so frequently mistaken for luck that it deserves its own defense.

The catch was not the result of a random sequence of numbers awarding him possession. A highly-trained athlete jumped, secured the football against a defender and maintained possession as he was thrown to the ground. The entire play was entirely in his control – which is pretty much the exact opposite of luck. Furthermore, the Giants were not the beneficiary of help from the referees since there was no holding on the play nor was Eli Manning held up long enough to warrant whistling the play dead. The play was all skill.

On the other hand, I might be doing what Nassim Taleb calls "affirming the consequent". Angelo's belief, which is more or less articulated in Taleb's book Fooled by Randomness, is that if you were to simulate Super Bowl 42 100,000 times the Patriots would win the vast majority of those games. Each of the 100,000 games would have a score, the median result would be a comfortable Patriots win, and the observed result in February 2008 was a lucky fluke which is several standard deviations away from this median result. It is a very convincing argument, and Taleb is a very smart guy (even though he's the most condescending writer of all time).

I disagree because I think the assumptions of the simulations, to continue the analogy, are wrong. The "model" would have the Patriots with an unstoppable offense, a playmaking defense and a coach who is never wrong. A more accurate model would have an offense which Steve Spagnuolo figured out and a coach who took too long to adapt. With this model, I believe the median result would more or less resemble Giants 17, Patriots 14. Admittedly, the assumptions of this truer model are only revealed after the fact. But that doesn't mean the Giants' win was luck – it just means we didn't have enough information before the game to know the Patriots were flawed. We should be able to recognize these flaws after the game and realize the game played out as it should have. Taleb's beliefs make sense in the context of financial markets and a lot of military history, but I do not believe they can be extrapolated to sports.

A few final points on luck. First, I agree that it is possible in certain instances to be lucky. The best example is a Chargers-Broncos game in which the Chargers would have certainly won if not for Ed Hochuli's error. Instances of human error in which the fundamental rules of the game are altered are the main cases where I would concede that the winning team got lucky. Second, injuries can be a source of luck depending on the circumstances. Kevin Garnett getting hurt in 2009 is not unlucky (he's still great, but now old and fragile), but Kendrick Perkins getting hurt in 2010 was unlucky (young, no major injury history).

As the great Rasheed Wallace once put it: "Ball don't lie."
________________________________________________

Complaining about ESPN is so played out that I can only do it ironically at this point. Plus, the easiest punching bag on the network is Around the Horn. Since I hate to be jumping on the hate-bandwagorn, I will say two nice things about the show before complaining:

I understand that the point of the show is to be provocative, which is the primary explanation for why people occasionally say outlandish things. They are under constant pressure to be original and entertaining, which is difficult.
I have nothing personally against anyone on the show, and I actually like Tim Cowlishaw and J.A. Adande.

My complaint is that two people on the show (I can't remember which two, I watched the episode five days ago) were vehemently defending Seattle's right to host a playoff game. It made me angry enough to turn off the TV since it is exactly the type of mind-blowing ignorance that led some people to think that C.C. Sabathia deserved a Cy Young more than Felix Hernandez.

I don't understand people who defend the sanctity of the division system. I think it's great for scheduling purposes, but that's about it. Four divisions (AFC East, AFC West, NFC East, NFC North) are awesome because any intra-division matchup is a great rivalry with tons of history. The other four divisions are more or less made up of teams who weren't cool enough to get bids to the good divisions.

From what I understand of the Champions League, the crappier country leagues send one team to the tournament and the more prestigious leagues send more. Automatic bids in that case makes sense – each country is at least partially represented and the end result is a richer tournament. Divisions aren't sovereign entities with unique histories and cultures. We would be better off if Tampa Bay or New York were allowed to take Seattle's place. Nine wins should be a pre-requisite for a division winner to make the playoffs, and division winners shouldn't be guaranteed a home game.

__________________________________________

My fantasy basketball team is second in overall points scored but fifth in the standings and under-.500. This isn't particularly uncommon. In our fantasy football league, the regular season points leader finished in ninth and missed the playoffs. I feel stupid saying this on the heels of my anti-luck rant, but how unlucky is that? Fantasy games fit my definition of luck since the scoring system is not reflective of actual football. For example, turnovers don't mean nearly as much in fantasy as they do in real football and key statistics like third-down conversions and time of possession don't even exist.

Anyway, I know that head-to-head matchups are fun and everything, but that necessarily means we don't crown the best fantasy football team champion. I think it should be based strictly on scoring. People who disagree with me are correct in saying that it makes the game less fun, but at least an overall points system is more accurate. Our current head-to-head system is essentially an extension of Seattle getting a home playoff game.

___________________________________________

Finally, my picks. Home teams in bold, wish me luck:

Saints (-10.5) over Seahawks

This is not just a pick for the Saints. It's a pick for The Enlightenment, or at least for indoor plumbing. I really hate the fact that the Seahawks are here.

Colts (-2.5) over Jets

I'll be rooting for the Jets, but I just feel like this Jets team can be beat through the air. It's not shameful to lose to Tom Brady, but it is shameful to lose to Tom Brady by 42 when you pride yourself on defense. It's also pretty weak to give up 38 points to Chicago when it's snowing (shouldn't cold, wintery weather be Jets conditions? I guess not.). I really believe the Colts will beat the Jets and Steelers and make the AFC Championship Game. I also finished 30 games under .500 in picks, so keep in mind that I suck.

Ravens (-3) over Chiefs

Haloti for days.

Eagles (-2.5) over Packers

Nobody's picking the Eagles – a team that eviscerated the entire Giants season in a span of 7.5 minutes and has had two weeks to study Green Bay. Andy Reid remains an underrated coach, at least from a Cowboys fan's perspective. I really like the Eagles' chances of winning the NFC since all of the Saints' running backs got hurt. Fingers crossed it doesn't happen.

The Second Annual Gunslinger of the Year

2010-12-26T09:34:00.001-08:00

Last year my friend Mike won the first annual Gunslinger of the Year award for his spontaneous decision to drive with his girlfriend to Disney World from Philadelphia for one night. He didn't even tell his girlfriend where they were going until they were out of Delaware.

I missed the NFL Network's Top Ten episode where they chronicled the ten slingiest gunslingers in the history of the league. Brett Favre obviously won, but I've been told that the clip the show aired to describe Slingin' Sammy Baugh was hilarious since it was just Baugh running drills in practice with a cigarette in his mouth and a beer in his non-throwing hand.

I don't miss that era, but I do like the romanticized version I've seen in movies. I finally saw It's a Wonderful Life and I loved it. I wish greasy hair and hats would make a comeback. At the very least, NFL coaches need to stop wearing team apparel and go back to wearing suits and hats on the sideline. I remember Jack Del Rio and Mike Nolan each tried to start doing that but the NFL told them to stop. Roger Goodell ruins everything.

I didn't do too much slinging this year. If slingin' were a crop and I was a fifth-generation slingfarmer, then right now you'd sympathize with me. Luckily, the government subsidizes me to the extent that I actually get paid to overproduce sling. Here is a list of my top three personal slings of the year:

3. I picked the Patriots to miss the playoffs and said the Redskins would make them. I am very, very stupid.

2. I am writing this instead of studying for finals. Finals season is a time when eating is gluttonous and hygiene is optional. It's also a time to read Pitchfork's "Best of" music lists, find the three artists I've heard of and act smugly superior to all friends. I read through p4k's archives one time and found one year in which an album which was given a rating of 10.0 was lower on a Best Albums list than an album they rated a 9.5. I don't believe in math unless it's non-Euclidean or at least ironic but that's ridiculous. The most ironic situation of the year was when I turned out to be "the other guy" with a girl with whom the first time hanging out was seeing Up in the Air. That's not as bad as 9^th grade when a girl broke up with me by throwing me into a volcano though.

1. I stopped using my laptop and phone while watching important NFL and NBA games. I highly recommend you do the same. You can't get the same emotional investment in a game if you're constantly distracting yourself with other forms of entertainment. Doing other things and looking at the screen only when the shot is in the air corrupts the entire experience of watching sports. Every Cowboys game and every marquee matchup (PIT-BAL, NE-NYJ, etc.) now gets my undivided attention. The recent Celtics-Knicks game was amazing and I'm happy I was able to catch all the little details by not immersing myself in web 7.0.1, which I think consists entirely of group discounts and Jeff Bridges.

Another thing I started doing which has made life a lot more enjoyable is that I stopped reading the comments sections of the web sites I visit. I never read YouTube comments because those are awful, but I used to read the comments at most other sites because I am a man of the people. But the comments threads are usually just people trying to one-up each other with how cool they are. For example, a blog will post a Simpsons clip and the easiest way to gain credibility in the comments thread, seemingly, is to say "Is The Simpsons still cool? I stopped watching 11 years ago." Look pal, The Simpsons is an American institution and a cultural export on par with blue jeans and capitalism. Everyone knows that the show isn't as good as it was in the mid-'90s but you need to show some respect. When I visited the Louvre with my parents, I was struck by the fact that even if I was given the rest of my life to replicate one of the paintings, I couldn't do it. Maybe it's a dumb point, but still. I definitely couldn't replicate the writing of the earlier Simpsons episodes either.

In fact, I wish saying the following things were banned from comment threads:

Anything vaguely political or pro/anti-religion when it's not related to the topic of the column.
Anything vaguely political or pro/anti-religion when it is related to the topic of the column.
Anything anti-Simpsons, ever (see above).

There has been a lot of solid gunslinging recently. Brett Favre shook off another injury to bravely turn the ball over repeatedly. Orlando Magic general manager Otis Smith blew up his roster to build a team that is definitely a contender as long as LeBron James, Derrick Rose and at least four Boston Celtics die before April 2011. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke slinged a second round of quantitative easing, and Jim Mora slinged his support for it with a memorable rant about layoffs and whether we were kidding him. The Harry Potter producers decided it was a good idea to split the seventh movie into two parts even though J.K. Rowling's source material was literally 85% camping (of which 75% was just descriptions of the various types of foliage they encountered). I'm not sure what they were thinking with that one.

Michael Vick's emergence doesn't count as gunslinging, but it is remarkable. He transformed himself into a humble nerd who does nothing but study football and thank others for his success. Historically, I've hated the Eagles more than I've hated any rival of Dallas's due to Philadelphia's decade-long run of dominance. But I like Vick's redemption story so much that he's taking the edge of my hatred. I know what Vick did was truly awful, but I think he paid his debt to society and I'm happy to see him rebuild his life.

Athletes are embroiled in scandal all the time, and each time one of them does something stupid/illegal the sports media spends some time writing loudly about how we don't REALLY know any of them. So, with the admittedly large caveat that I still know nothing about Vick beyond the seemingly contrite version I see in interviews, I want to say that I'm happy he's having some success.

J.A. Adande had a brilliant tweet right before LeBron returned to Cleveland that was something like "Sad but true: If LeBron had a DUI but still played for the Cavs, he'd have 20k+ fans cheering him right now." It's an excellent point, and brings up the following question: Donovan McNabb handled a decade of ingratitude from Philadelphia fans and the entire T.O. situation with class and dignity, yet it takes a convicted felon to get me to hate the Eagles a little less?

I can't deny that it's true, except that (like most sports fans) my "hatred" of the Eagles was never personal. I always respected and liked how guys like McNabb and Andy Reid (and Brian Westbrook, and Jim Johnson…) carried themselves. As a fan of a division rival, however, I wanted them to lose so that my team would succeed. I'm still rooting for the Eagles to lose each week, and I know its indefensible to have hated the franchise more when McNabb quarterbacked it. The best explanation I can give is that Vick's redemption story transcends sports and that the warm reaction most of us have to a person bettering himself is what's causing me to hate the Eagles a little less.

And finally, the award: The top candidates are Brett Favre, LeBron James and my friend Dan. Favre started the year with a masterful performance against Dallas in the divisional round and an awful sling against the Saints to once again win the game for the other team. He then got Vikings owner Zygi Wilf to give him $20 million and was mired in scandal for most of the season. LeBron started the year as one of the most beloved athletes in the country and ended up winning his second straight MVP award. He also passively accepted defeat against Boston, ditched a franchise on national television and responded to the backlash with a captivating Nike ad which was a perfect mix of introspection and defiance.

On the other hand, Dan invited like forty people to fondue in his obsessively clean roommate's room in an apartment which already had a roach problem. I think that the overall slinginess of a) the roommate not being home at the time but reminding Dan not to eat in the room b) Dan deciding to eat in there anyway c) and inviting most of northeast Philadelphia to d) fondue with him merits recognition. In Dan's defense, the roommate has a really nice TV (which is why Dan & Co. were in there to begin with). Dan's performance as a roommate in 2010 also included breaking someone's mattress and getting hustled out of $100 in a table-tennis bet which he ended up paying entirely in Campbell's Soup. In 2010, if there was a poor decision to be made, Dan was there to make it. He is the 2010 Gunslinger of the Year.

And to my three readers: thanks for reading. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

My picks: Pittsburgh (-13.5), Dallas (-6.5), Buffalo (+8.5), New York Jets (+1.5), Baltimore (-3.5), St. Louis (-2.5), Detroit (-3.5), Jacksonville (-6.5), Kansas City (-5.5), Indianapolis (-3.5), Houston (-2.5), San Diego (-7.5), Tampa Bay (-6.5), Green Bay (-2.5), Philadelphia (-13.5), New Orleans (-2.5).
Last Week: 8-8
Season: 97-127
(yikes.)

Mailbag 2

2010-12-12T08:40:00.001-08:00

Once again, I begged my readership of six people to send me questions because mailbags are fun. Here's what they came up with:

Is petroleum jelly the best kind of jelly

This question lends itself to some easy sophomoric jokes which I have no intention of making. It does prompt a discussion about the best pseudo-foods though. I'd rank them, in order, as Chap-Stick (cherry), Tic-Tacs, Orbitz, Chap-Stick (unflavored), mouthwash, anti-freeze, toothpaste, insulin, permafrost, tempafrost, semi-frost, and Scott Frost.

Dear Mr. Soundd,

Have you noticed a strange narrative to this NFL season portrayed by the media? It seems that each year the actual on-field play matters less and less, and all the focus is placed on the drama surrounding the league. This year, it's been sex scandals, disgruntled players, disappointing teams, concussions and the violence of the game. I don't recall hearing the talking heads on Around the Horn sound off on Arian Foster's dominance, or Brandon freaking Lloyd destroying secondaries. Remember the LT watch a few years back? Or even AP's rookie year, when every game we would gush about what a HOF freak the guy was? Why aren't the efforts of the best players in the NFL being recognized anymore??

It's 2:30 in the morning and I had to take a break from organic chem, so this popped into my head. Take it or leave it.

Look man, it's Dr. Soundd. I didn't go through life as a high school dropout then become famous then get asked to speak at commencement for "cachet" then get an honorary dental degree JUST TO BE MR. SOUNDD. It's Dr. Soundd, D.D.S. if anything. I also love how you added "take it or leave it" to the end, making it the first ever passive-aggressive mailbag question. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, passively-aggresses like I do. I agree with the point that this reader raised, but he's also forgetting that the biggest stories this year mostly take place off the field.

The Brett Favre-Jenn Sterger story is the most obvious case. Many of us are too young to remember when Favre was the league's best player – he won his 3^rd and final MVP when I was eight. To put the scandal in perspective, it would be like Peyton Manning being embroiled in a harassment suit in 2019, except that for some reason he is the starter for the Patriots and nobody likes him anymore. I'm still a Favre fan though. I understand the reasons people cite when explaining why they are so tired of him, but I still like watching him play. Which brings us to the next question:

With Aaron Rogers and Jay Cutler firmly established gun-slingers, and Matthew Stafford's shoulder too busy "arm-sling"-ing, who is the future of gunslinging in the NFL? Is it Colt McCoy (who has the name) or Sam Bradford (who has the talent)? One thing is for sure, it's not Jimmy Clausen...Can we get a young gun-slingers power poll?

I like the use of "arm-sling" – a finely crafted pun. Gunslinging is going to get a lot of Oscar buzz this year because of the movie
True Grit, which I had assumed was about Jason Varitek playing the game the right way until I saw the trailer. I like how the NFL's quarterback situation and the NBA's point guard situation are both excellent right now. Each has a nice mix of legends (Brady/Manning/Nash/Kidd), stars in their respective primes (Rivers/Roethlisberger/Paul/Williams) and promising young'uns (Bradford/Stafford/Rose/Wall).

I'm going to skip the young gun-slingers power poll and instead direct everyone's attention to the most exciting player in the league: Haloti Ngata. Ever since Randy Moss died, Haloti has become my favorite player due to his ability to just eat offensive lineman. The man is completely unblockable. My favorite plays of his aren't the times he sacks the quarterback, but rather when he just bulldozes two linemen and collapses the pocket and forces an inaccurate throw. It's just so tough. Here is a video of Eddie George being tackled by Gilbert Brown's shoulder.

My son is finally starting to listen to real music. As a lifelong Springsteen fan I really want my son to grow up loving the Boss as much as I do. His birthday is coming up soon, and I would like to get him his first Bruce CD...as a fellow Springsteen junkie what do you suggest I get for him...Devils & Dust or Tunnel of Love? (I was much dismayed to discover that "A Patti Scialfa Christmas" is not in fact an actual album...damn)

It's difficult to rank Springsteen's albums since taste in music varies depending on mood. For example, if you're happy you'd probably pick the more upbeat songs from Born in the U.S.A., if you're depressed you might stick with Nebraska and if you feel like committing suicide you'll probably just listen to the song "Reno" to simulate the experience.

I love the Christmas season, and it's absolutely impossible to watch this video of young Bruce killin' it with "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" in Passaic, NJ in 1978 without feeling the same way. I remember when Bruce played halftime of the Cardinals-Steelers Super Bowl there was a prop bet of like 25:1 of a sax solo at some point during the show. Basically, that's a bet that he'll play "Born to Run", right? I wish I knew how to gamble because that was easy money. Actually, my picks record is 30 games under .500, so maybe it's a good thing I don't know any bookies.

With Robert Horry retired, and James Posey now decrepit, who is the current holder of the dagger?

Great question – I remember excitedly texting my friend when I found this movie in the clearance bin at Blockbuster. He jokingly asked if it was a buddy comedy starring Horry and Posey. A dagger, of course, is a key basket late in games that is technically not a game-winner but makes it very difficult for the other team to come back. The Washington Wizards' announcer Steve Buckhantz is famous for this call of a dagger by Gilbert Arenas. I vote for Derek Fisher as the current holder of the dagger.

Did you see Community yesterday?

I was asked this question by a friend on gchat and decided to throw it in the mailbag. I always make a point of watching 30 Rock and The Office and skipping the rest of NBC's Thursday night offerings. I've been told by many people that Community is worth watching, and I finally decided to try an episode after seeing the promos for the show's stop-motion Christmas special. It was fantastic.

The episode centers around one character experiencing psychological trauma and creating an alternate universe as an escape fantasy. I couldn't help but think of Pan's Labyrinth and Inception by the end of the show. I think the Community Christmas special actually compares favorably to Inception, which can be thought of as The Matrix 5 because The Matrix 4 was clearly Constantine. You never saw Constantine? I saw it twice in theaters and have the DVD.

I was able to admit when 30 Rock eclipsed The Office and it looks like Community might surpass 30 Rock. 30 Rock is frequently hilarious but most episodes don't have a meaningful plot and several characters (Kenneth, Jack's mom, etc.) have become annoying.

Do you think fundamental or technical analysis is more appropriate for analyzing who will win football games?

Well, we've seen a head-and-shoulders pattern coming from much of the NFC West and I think we're ready to see some breakout above recent resistance levels. Actually, my picks suck so much I'm better off just reading the entrails of a chicken.

One final point before moving to the picks. It's become chic to bash the telling of fantasy football stories before telling one. You know, saying something like "I know people hate fantasy football stories, but THIS STORY IS COMPLETLEY DIFFERENT". Whatever. I just wanted to let you guys know that even though I'm going to finish in last place in the picks league, I snuck into the playoffs in fantasy football as the eight seed and I'm ready to start an improbable run to the title.

Home teams in bold. Wish me luck:

Indianapolis Colts over Tennessee Titans (+2.5)

Yup, I got this one wrong even in hindsight.

Cleveland Browns over Buffalo Bills (-1.5)

Another classic frisk-off! I hate to pick against my boy Ryan Friskpatrick (who Rich Eisen tweeted has been nicknamed "The Amish Rifle" by his teammates). My friend made an interesting point about why he hates the Browns. "They don't have a real logo – they have a [expletive] helmet as their [expletive] logo. What the [expletive]." It was a valid point, and I'm from New Jersey.

Green Bay Packers over Detroit Lions (+6.5)

Cincinatti Bengals over Pittsburgh Steelers (-9.5)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers over Washington Redskins (+2.5)

Is Mike Shanahan going to make it to season three? Good coaches don't have to win ten games in their first year after inheriting a mess, but they should absolutely inject some frisk into them. The Buccaneers were awful at the beginning of last season, earned some frisk as the season went on and are a borderline playoff team this year. Shanahan had only one playoff win in ten season in Denver after John Elway retired, and this year's Redskins seem to be getting worse each week.

Atlanta Falcons over Carolina Panthers (+7.5)

Jacksonville Jaguars (-4.5) over Oakland Raiders

Seattle Seahawks over San Francisco 49ers (-4.5)

New Orleans Saints (-8.5) over St. Louis Rams

Very tough to say right now who should be coach of the year. Steve Spagnuolo and Bill Belichick are the frontrunners with Raheem Morris and Mike Smith close behind. The winner will probably be Spagnuolo if the Rams make the playoffs, but it's just as impressive that Morris is keeping the Bucs competitive in the brutal NFC South. I still don't think the Falcons are very good and I think their record is inflated. I think a quality team could expose them (like what the Patriots did to the Jets last week).

New England Patriots over Chicago Bears (+3.5)

Miami Dolphins over New York Jets (-6.5)

Denver Broncos over Arizona Cardinals (+3.5)

San Diego Chargers (-6.5) over Kansas City Chiefs

New York Giants over Minnesota Vikings (+2.5)

Baltimore Ravens over Houston Texans (+3.5)

Dallas Cowboys (+3.5) over Philadelphia Eagles

One of my friends pointed out that if the Cowboys beat the Eagles twice, the Eagles will probably miss the playoffs. Even if Dallas only beats Philly once, the Eagles will still probably have to win the rest of their games to avoid missing the playoffs. So, it's not quite the same as playing in the Super Bowl on your home field, but I'll take it.

Last Week: 7-9
Season: 79-113. Yes, I'm seriously 34 games under .500. But at least I did better than the CBS studio hosts (Dan Marino, Bill Cowher, Boomer Esiason and Shannon Sharpe) who went a combined 3-61 against the spread. Yes, they really did. 3-61!!!! No one was better than 1-15 and Boomer was 0-16!

Eight Crazy Nights

2010-12-04T22:01:00.001-08:00

Comic actors are surprisingly polarizing given their choice of profession. I think this is because they pretty much play the same character in every movie, which means that if you don't like that particular character the actor has no chance of making you laugh. For example:

Will Ferrell: Boorish guy with deadpan delivery

Michael Cera: Angst-ridden awkward teenager. I think he plays me in my biopic.

Vince Vaughn: Normal guy who is usually scheming but gets easily flustered. My friend Dan thought that Vince Vaughn gained a lot of weight for one of his upcoming roles, but I had to tell him that Vince Vaughn is not Robert De Niro and Couples Retreat is not Raging Bull.

Adam Sandler: Boorish guy with over-the-top delivery.

And so on. I dislike Cera's work and used to love both Ferrell's and Vaughn's when I was younger. I'm still a huge fan of Adam Sandler's, an actor who has the rare ability to carry funny movies (Big Daddy, Happy Gilmore and 250 other Middle School Sleepover Hall of Famers) as well as serious ones (Spanglish, Reign Over Me). Sandler is also a huge Springsteen fan, which only makes him more likable.

Since comic actors are so polarizing, your taste in the aforementioned ones probably differs from mine. Still, I would hope we can all agree that Sandler's "Hanukkah Song" is both hilarious and incredibly catchy. Quick tangent: growing up, most of my friends were at least ½ Jewish. I led the league in what sabremetricians have dubbed BMAER (Bar Mitzvahs Attended Efficiency Rating). JUST BECAUSE C.C. ATTENDED MORE TOTAL BAR MITZVAHS DOESN'T MEAN HE'S BETTER THAN ME!!!!

Anyway, my friend Jason (who is Jewish) and I came up with a ton of lyrics we wish Adam Sandler had used in his song. We were talking during what many bloggers had dubbed "LeBronukkah" (James's return to Cleveland) and got the following results:

Me: Uday and Qassay suck…and so does Sadamukkah!
Jason: Palace at Auburn Hills observes RonRonukkah
Me: I did the Dream Shake to commemorate Olajuwonukkah
Me: And what about his coach? Rudy Tomjanukkahvich?
Me: who's your fav ex-Rams tight end? Brandon Manumaleunukkah?
Angelo [guest appearance]: I mean business…celebrate Natronukkah
Me: President LBJ had napalmukkah dropped on North Vietnamukkah.
Angelo: The Mavs at the trade deadline celebrating Caronukkah?
Angelo: 19 assists! Happy Rajonukkah!

I'm just giddy for the holidays in general. Everyone's so happy that it's infectious. "If you really really wannukkah…have a happy happy happy happy happy Hanukkah!!!!!"

Get Coached

2010-12-04T08:38:00.001-08:00

Wade Phillips and Brad Childress had each been subjected to vicious personal attacks from their respective fan bases before getting fired. Both deserved to be fired, but honestly, I'm not a fan of the amount of rage which fans use to yell at coaches and players. Poor performance is not an excuse for ad hominem attacks.

Did you know that Childress has a son who is a Marine serving in Afghanistan? I didn't either, but suddenly Childress becomes a pretty sympathetic character due to the fact that on any given day the Department of Defense could send him the most tragic form letter imaginable.

Andy Reid is treated poorly as well. Snarky writers and disgruntled Philadelphia fans make fun of Reid incessantly, but consider what he's done since taking over the Eagles: 126-79-1, five division titles, five NFC championship game appearances and 1 Super Bowl appearance. His two losing seasons? His first season in 1999 (when he established the groundwork for his ultimately successful rebuilding plan) and again in 2005 (when an injury to Donovan McNabb and a tantrum by Terrell Owens torpedoed the season). Reid may never win a title, but neither has Jerry Sloan. Nobody calls Sloan a [expletive].

In fact, Reid's record compares favorably to Jeff Fisher's. Fisher has three division titles, two AFC championship game appearances, one Super Bowl appearance, and five losing seasons. They're both excellent coaches. So...to recap, Reid will make a few questionable decisions in a given season, but by January his Eagles are always several games above .500 and one of the NFC's best. I never understood why Reid is polarizing.

I'm almost done being holier than you. I came here not to bury Wade but to praise him.

/end rant

______________________________________________________

The
following video is an actual product I saw being advertised on ESPN one night. I immediately looked it up on YouTube because it seemed to be less an actual product and more an elaborate satire of capitalism:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otCG5iAdT0E

After confirming that the inspirational video series was, in fact, real, I went to the company's website and read some more. It turns out that Get Coached is an inspirational/motivational video series in which Mike Ditka, Sean Payton, Rex Ryan, Mike Singletary and Bobby Bowden take turns yelling at you. The coaches take turns standing in a studio with a black background and harsh lighting – not unlike an interrogation room – while the camera makes dozens of quick cuts. The music which accompanies the speeches is dripping with faux intensity. The entire series takes five DVDs, which is surprising given that it only took Francis Coppola three DVDs to finish the Godfather saga. If Get Coached isn't 66% better than the Godfather, you should feel ripped off.

Honestly, I like all of these coaches and respect their accomplishments, but I feel like this video series was created just to be made fun of. Oh you didn't hear? Get Coached is the new Shake Weight.

Here are the actual titles of the DVDs (each coach hosts one session, I guess):

Mike Ditka: Total Commitment
Bobby Bowden: God, Family and Football
Mike Singletary: A Vision of Faith

That's cool, because I don't believe in the separation of church and football either. In fact, this is beginning to feel more and more like the recruitment and indoctrination ritual for a cult. Continuing:

Sean Payton: Aim High

This was also the name of the video that Tom Emanski let Tim Lincecum guest host. Yuk yuk yuk.

Rex Ryan: Give It All You Got

"Give It All You Got" is my favorite Bon Jovi song of all time. You know that one with all the power chords and anthemic singing? Give it all you got! We'll keep fightin' and make it! Go your own way…but give it all you got!!! I bet you were able to simulate the guitar part for a Bon Jovi song in your head while reading those lyrics.

Fortunately, I was able to find extended previews for each DVD. Let's dive deeper:

I love how Mike Ditka introduces himself as the head coach of the Super Bowl Champion Chicago Bears. Ditka was a great coach for that time, but his intro conveniently excludes his disastrous run in New Orleans. Note how he yells the word "player" at the 19 second mark. This man is intense. To be fair, the hyper-masculine schtick Ditka employs in this video would be a lot more impressive if it weren't for a certain photo from 1999. At the 34 second mark, the editor decided it would be a cool idea to splice the image so that there are three Ditkas yelling at you. One Ditka = not enough Ditka.

I think Mike Singletary has been treated unfairly by the public and deserves a second chance as a head coach on a team with a reasonably competent quarterback. I'm going to make fun of his video anyway. The title, "A Vision of Faith", is actually just a euphemism for dropping your pants at halftime. Most of Singletary's advice is related to dropping your pants in public situations. The first thirty seconds of the video is literally just Singletary reading his resume. "I was captain of the 1985 Chicago Bears. I was inducted into the Hall of Fame. I was the two time Defensive Player of the Year. I was treasurer of the Model UN." Singletary, at the one minute mark: "There is one word, which I believe defines any good leader." Pantsless?

Rex Ryan is my favorite coach in the league but his video was similarly goofy. At the 49 second mark, the video is so intense it ditches color all together and becomes black and white. I think they could have improved things by making it a silent film where it's just footage of Rex mouthing something intense at you and then a black screen displays the text of what he just said: "Let's go have a God damn snack" They also zoom in on Rex's eyes at the last second before the video ends. Get Coached is the kind of thing which is very difficult to make fun of since it pretty much makes fun of itself, much like the 2010 Dallas Cowboys.

Sean Payton's video makes me sad because he worked under Bill Parcells in Dallas and should have become the head coach after Parcells left. Instead of paying Payton a retention fee and making him the heir, Jerry Jones let Payton walk in 2006 in favor of Wade Phillips and Jason Garrett. In fact, since I love Parcells so much, let me compare his coaching tree to that of Bill Belichick:

Parcells's Tree, the Good: Payton (1 SB), Tom Coughlin (1 SB), Tony Sparano, Todd Haley (all turned around terrible franchises).
Parcells's Tree, the Bad: Ray Handley, Chris Palmer, Al Groh.

Belichick's Tree, the Good: Jim Schwarz, Nick Saban. Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel are good coordinators, but that doesn't count.
Belichick's Tree, the Bad: everyone else. And Saban's only good in college.

My picks actually improved a little over the last two weeks. I'm still in last place in my league, but at this point I'm building for the future. I had the Texans getting 7.5 on Thursday night (didn't cover), so this week is already looking pretty bad. Home teams in bold, wish me luck:

New Orleans Saints over Cincinnati Bengals (+6.5)

Chicago Bears over Detroit Lions (+3.5)

Green Bay Packers (-9.5) over San Francisco 49ers

Everyone makes excuses for the Packers when they lose. "But they're so talented!" "But that turnover was a fluke!" "But they outgained the other team by 200 yards!". I used to do this to, but I realized that the Packers' penchant for dumb mistakes at key moments trumps their admittedly high talent level. They deserve to lose every game they've lost.

For example, in last week's loss to Atlanta, if the Packers had EITHER not fumbled at the goal line OR not committed a personal foul on the kickoff which setup the Falcons' game winning drive, Green Bay probably wins that game in overtime. But this is how they lose games. They lost to Chicago despite outgaining them by 100 yards and leading in the fourth quarter, and they lost to the Redskins and Dolphins under similar circumstances. At some point, your team just isn't built to win close games against good teams and it's no longer a fluke.

I think the Packers' season will end in the same way it did for the 2009 Vikings. Last year's Vikings outgained the Saints the NFC Championship Game 475-257. That's 218 yards! Despite four turnovers, the Vikings had the ball with the game tied in the closing seconds and were in New Orleans' territory…when they committed their fifth turnover and lost in overtime. The Packers might not even make the playoffs.

Jacksonville Jaguars over Tennessee Titans (-3.5)

"Well before I get to questions man I'd like to say something…"

Kansas City Chiefs (-8.5) over Denver Broncos

Miami Dolphins (-4.5) over Cleveland Browns

Buffalo Bills over Minnesota Vikings (-6.5)

New York Giants (-7.5) over Washington Redskins

San Diego Chargers (-13.5) over Oakland Raiders

Most NFL fans – myself included – expect the Chargers to win the AFC West and make the playoffs. Still, we should keep in mind that their start sucked so much that in any given week a combination of Chiefs win + Chargers loss would put the Chiefs two games up with less than five games left. Plus, the Chiefs won the first meeting. I'm just sayin'.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+3.5) over Atlanta Falcons

The Falcons are 9-2? They're still frauds! I never get tired of being wrong.

Seattle Seahawks (-5.5) over Carolina Panthers

St Louis Rams over Arizona Cardinals (+3.5)

Indianapolis Colts (-5.5) over Dallas Cowboys

Sobsobsob

Baltimore Ravens (-3.5) over Pittsburgh Steelers

New England Patriots (-3.5) over New York Jets

I hope Rex wins this, but I don't want to pick Sanchez over Brady.

Season Record: 72-104. Yikes.

Midterms

2010-11-07T06:59:00.000-08:00

No time to write a real NFL picks column today since I have a midterm tomorrow and I haven't started studying yet. Dan said last week's column was week anyway. I liked it, but his standards are impossibly high due to his own award-winning blog Fundamentally Roundd, in which he frequently comments on the link between rye bread, sriracha sauce, and reasonably priced produce.

Last week I went 7-6 after picking exclusively based on Frisk. Sadly, this was my first week all year where I was better than .500. Home teams in bold, wish me luck:

Atlanta Falcons (-8.5) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Buffalo Bills (+2.5) over Chicago Bears

Ryan Friskpatrick lives!

New England Patriots (-4.5) over Cleveland Browns

Detroit Lions (+4.5) over New York Jets

Minnesota Vikings (-8.5) over Arizona Cardinals

New Orleans Saints (-7.5) over Carolina Panthers

Miami Dolphins (-5.5) over Baltimore Ravens

San Diego Chargers over Houston Texans (+1.5)

Seattle Seahawks (+5.5) over New York Giants

Oakland Raiders (-2.5) over Kansas City Chiefs

The aesthetics for this game are going to be awesome.

Indianapolis Colts over Philadelphia Eagles (-2.5)

Pittsburgh Steelers over Cincinatti Bengals (+4.5)

Green Bay Packers (-7.5) over Dallas Cowboys

Dallas is still getting too much love from Vegas. A 1-6 team with no secondary and no way to protect its quarterback (who is Jon Kitna, by the way) will not do well against Aaron Rodgers and Clay Matthews. Roy E. Williams said this week that he thinks Dallas can run the table, finish 10-6 and sneak into the playoffs. I'm just excited to have Cowher or Gruden next year. I looked at the numbers for the two coaches, and I can honestly say that I'm indifferent between the two:

Jon Gruden: 47 years old, 100-85 (career .540 win pctg), 1 Super Bowl title

Bill Cowher: 53 years old, 149-90-1 (career .623 win pctg), 1 Super Bowl title

Cowher's more accomplished, but slightly older and I think Gruden would be hungrier.

The Decisions

2010-11-05T10:28:00.001-07:00

The rise of atdhe.net and justin.tv has changed the way we watch sports. Each site is presumably illegal, but each offers live streams of sporting events which would otherwise be either unwatchable or prohibitively expensive to order (NFL Sunday Ticket is not cheap). Watching NFL games through these websites is a fantastic way to avoid the classic Jersey trap of "Jets-Bengals at 1, Giants-Cardinals at 4" as my only viewing options. The video quality is slightly worse than standard definition, but I'm still happy to watch.

The same cannot be said of the websites' transmission of NBA games. The video feeds were glitchier and more prone to collapse. More importantly, mediocre video quality becomes a far bigger problem when watching an NBA game.

An NFL broadcast is structured in such a way that makes it robust to problems with a stream's video quality. When the ball is thrown or a running back takes the ball, the camera follows the action so the viewer's eyes are "guided" to where they are supposed to be. Individual players are easy to keep track of as well. Peyton Manning's number 18 is displayed largely and Manning can always be found a few steps behind the line of scrimmage.

The same cannot be said for basketball, which makes it difficult to enjoy a pirated stream with mediocre resolution. Once the offense crosses half court, the camera is essentially static. This means the viewer must follow the ball on his own – an effortless task in HD, but pretty annoying with grainy video. Moreover, the fluidity of basketball means that it is significantly more difficult to keep track of where the players are. Imagine the following scenario:

A camera follows Rajon Rondo, and it pans from left to right as he brings the ball up the court. The camera settles as the Celtics get into an offensive set. Rondo throws the ball to Ray Allen on the near side wing. Rondo cuts through the paint after his pass, but your eyes stay on Allen since he has the ball. With grainy video and Rondo now somewhere else on the court, can you quickly find Rondo?

Probably not. Plus, I picked a team (Boston) with multiple stars whose faces fans would recognize instantly. Replace Rondo and the Big 3 with the Milwaukee Bucks and an already difficult task becomes exponentially tougher.

Fortunately, the
NBA allows fans to purchase the ability to stream live games to their laptops for the entire regular season. The video quality is excellent, and the only restrictions are that games featuring the local market's team and games which are nationally televised are blacked out. The league offers two options: a Premium League Pass package in which every game from every team is available (for $190) or a Choice League Pass package where every game for seven teams is available ($120).

I don't have time to watch every game of every team, so I didn't think it was worth the extra $70 to watch every game. $120 is not cheap, but I love the NBA (despite Stu Jackson's best efforts) and decided to splurge. This meant I had a decision to make:

If you just spent $120 for the ability to watch every game for the rest of the year for seven teams, which seven would you choose?

I chose based on the following:

Diversification: I didn't want to pick too many teams in the same division. Since I can only pick seven teams, I didn't want to waste too many games where two of my seven would be playing each other.

Exposure: There are a handful of teams which are frequently on national TV. Since all of these games will be blacked out on League Pass, I wanted to avoid the teams with high exposure unless I could come up with a compelling reason.

Storyline: There are several teams where we pretty much know how the season is going to end. For example, it's hard to see Utah getting past the second round of the playoffs. I like Deron Williams and will watch him whenever he's on national TV, but it doesn't seem worth it to waste one of my seven spots on the Jazz because the team itself isn't going anywhere.

Potential: This criterion was initially titled "Young Talent" but that sounds really creepy. I think that watching young, hungry players for an entire regular season is more interesting than watching a polished veteran team which is saving itself for the playoffs.

Here's what I came up with:

Boring teams which never had a chance to be chosen: Charlotte, Toronto, Cleveland, Indiana, Detroit, Memphis, Philadelphia, Minnesota.

The Sixers have Evan Turner and the Timberwolves have Kevin Love, but neither plays more than 27 minutes per game and their respective teams are otherwise awful.

Not getting past the second round: Atlanta, Houston, Utah, Denver

I think it's best if we're just friends: Phoenix, New Orleans

It was very difficult for me to say goodbye to Steve Nash and Alvin Gentry. I loved the 2009-10 Suns; by returning to the Seven Seconds or Less offense, Nash & Gentry nearly got the Suns to the Finals. During the offseason, last year's roster was blown up and Steve Kerr resigned due to the owner's cheapness. The Suns have started 1-3 and Nash's recent comments suggest that he might want to leave Phoenix. I'm ok with him jumping to a contender for the same reason it was fine when Gary Payton and Karl Malone (and Ray Borque, and LaDainian Tomlinson…) did it. If you're a first-ballot Hall of Famer with two years left and no hope of a title on your current team, it's ok to chase a ring with someone else. If the Suns start off 11-23 and Nash gets dealt, what's the point of watching the Suns?

I had the same rationale with the Hornets. Chris Paul is one of my favorite players, but if he gets traded or hurt, then I'm stuck watching Peja Stojakavic and pretending its 2002.

Coasting until April and always on TV: Boston, Los Angeles Lakers, San Antonio, Orlando.

Rajon Rondo is electric enough that I nearly went with Boston, but in the end I didn't think it was worth it. I love watching Kobe play – and rooting against him – but he's saving his legs for the playoffs. The Spurs and Magic are always on TV. I like watching Dwight Howard, but we already know what's going to happen in Orlando this year (unless they land Nash or Chris Paul): 58 wins, beat every bad team by 20 but lose in the 2^nd round to Boston or Miami.

Almost did it but changed my mind: Portland, Los Angeles Clippers, Milwaukee, Sacramento, New York

Portland has the most depth (and, um, length) of any team in the league. Reggie Miller said that the Blazers are more likely to challenge the Lakers than the Thunder, and I think he's right. The Clippers have great young talent (Blake Griffin and Eric Bledsoe) but I realize that picking too many crappy teams with fun players would not be good decision making. The Bucks have a player who personally responded to my message on Facebook but are probably going to regress from last season. The Knicks have great uniforms and some solid young talent (Landry Fields, Toney Douglas, Danilo Gallinari) but I wasn't comfortable spending a spot on them.

One quick note: The Portland crowd disappointed me so hard yesterday. During a tense, nationally televised game last night against another elite team (the Thunder) the crowd was effectively dead. I was surprised since the conventional wisdom is that Portland has a top-5 NBA crowd. Maybe they do, but they sucked yesterday.

The Chosen: New Jersey, Dallas, Oklahoma City, Chicago, Washington, Golden State, Miami.

The Nets were my favorite team for roughly fifteen years until they finalized plans to move to Brooklyn, removed "New Jersey" from their uniforms and traded away my favorite player of all time. You might think that I should still be a Nets fan after the move due to Brooklyn's proximity to New Jersey, but I feel like the organization disrespected its current home to the extent that I am no longer a fan. People in Seattle don't root for the Thunder, you know?

I picked the Mavericks as my new favorite team once they landed Jason Kidd in 2008. I root for old guys with no rings in any sport, so I am happy to pay to watch Kidd and Nowitzki on a daily basis despite the Mavs' high exposure level. I also picked Oklahoma City as one of my League Pass teams since they have Durant and Russell Westbrook and the best home crowd in basketball.

The Thunder are a chic pick to win the West this year, but I see two major holes. First, their help defense is awful. The Blazers and Clippers both scored at will against Oklahoma City. TNT stat guys put up a graphic yesterday which said that the Thunder allow the most field goal attempts near the rim of any team in the NBA. Second, Russell Westbrook is actually more clutch than Kevin Durant right now. I love everything about Kevin Durant, especially the way he carries himself. But during last night's Portland game, it was Westbrook's combination of key jumpshots and fearless drives which saved the Thunder in the 4^th Quarter. Durant missed his last five shots from the field. If I remember correctly, the same thing happened during last year's playoff series against Los Angeles: late in games, Durant couldn't hit a shot and Westbrook would have to bail his team out. I'm not calling Durant soft or anything, and he's obviously the most important player on that team. I'm just writing what I saw.

The Bulls have great uniforms and a potential MVP in Derrick Rose. The Warriors have the most fun offense in the league, or as some might say…one of the MOST BEST OFFENSE…IN THE LEAGUE.

John Wall is amazing and I hate how he's going to be a superstar since he won't be on the Nets. Wall's quickly becoming one of my favorite players and I'm excited to watch his development this year. I realize that if he gets hurt, then I'm screwed because I'll be watching JaVale McGee and Andray Blatche for 82 games, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. Colin Cowherd blasted John Wall because…he's 19 and has fun before games.

I don't make fun of ESPN's NFL analysts (Schlereth, Hoge) anymore because it finally hit me how difficult their jobs are. It's hard to say something interesting, on live TV, when your audience is already pretty well-educated about the sport. I was being unfair to them. But Cowherd is an opinion guy, and his anti-Wall tirade was pathetic and mean-spirited.

Finally, the Heat. The Heat play on national TV a lot this season, and it's possible one of their stars gets hurt. Their home crowd sucks and they act like they've won five titles. But…come on. This is Miami's season, and I can't look away.

The Frisk Index, Volume 1

2010-10-31T08:26:00.001-07:00

Rappers routinely make up sequels or prequels to mixtapes. During my senior year of high school, my friends and I put together a mixtape titled Mixtape Part III Volume 2 because it was nonsensical enough to mimic reality. Basically, what I'm saying is don't expect the next edition of these rankings to make sense.

In fact, this edition of these rankings might not make sense. The point of the Frisk Index is based on the following idea: bad NFL teams sometimes give good teams a hard time. For example, last week, Buffalo was able to take Baltimore to overtime. Some people say that this makes Buffalo a frisky team. My friends and I don't do this. Instead, we will yell "THERE IS FRISK IN BUFFALO" at each other and laugh, because that's what friends do. No joke is too bad to get bailed out.

Since I think power rankings are pointless for sports with an actual playoff system, I decided to make the Frisk Index. The Frisk Index ranks how frisky the worst teams in the league are. Plus, my picks suck, so I'd like to comb over the rest of this column and hide them wherever I can.

One quick story before jumping into the index: After the Monday night game was done, I was leading my fantasy game 94.1-94.0. A win by one yard! Since there are no games after the Monday night game, I assumed this meant I won. I signed in today to update my roster and saw that Dan's score got revised upward and he was declared the winner 96-94.1. Daggers all around.

The Index is ranked 1-10, with 10 being the friskiest:

San Diego, Dallas, Minnesota, Cincinnati: These teams have no frisk. Super Bowl contenders who lose games due to stupid mistakes do not count as frisky no matter how many games below .500 they are. As a Cowboys fan, I'm blaming this entire season on Jessica Simpson…'s continued refusal to answer my calls. She also gets a zero for friskiness. Frisk Index Score: 0

Arizona, Seattle, Chicago: Teams with winning records that are actually awful get low Frisk scores. Frisk Index Score: 1

Detroit, St. Louis: They have low Frisk Index scores because there is a certain amount of flukiness that is involved in being a frisky team, and these two teams are extremely well coached and will be above .500 next year. This makes them friskless. The Lions and Rams only have bad records because of injuries and a few bizarre endings – each is actually a wild card team disguised as a frisky squad. Steve Spagnuolo and Jim Schwartz have done a great job resurrecting their respective franchises.

I'm not sure if it's more impressive to take a crappy team and restore it to respectability or take a talented team deep into the playoffs. For example, Bill Parcells turned around horrible situations in New England, New York, Dallas and Miami but never won a title in any of those places. These teams had an average of 2.25 wins the year before Parcells arrived and each was a playoff team within two years. On the other hand, Phil Jackson takes highly talented teams and wins titles. Could Phil do the same thing in New Jersey or Minnesota? And, if Parcells is so good, why does Belichick have more rings than him? The point is, Dan's car was actually purchased from Auerbach and Sons Used Nissan Dealership in Philadelphia, which allowed me to make a million horrible jokes about the winningest Used Nissan Dealership of all time. FRIENDS MUST LAUGH AT MY JOKES OR I WILL SOB QUIETLY IN THE CORNER!!!! Frisk Index Score: 2

Carolina, San Francisco: These two teams actually had a frisk-off last week in which Carolina outfrisked San Francisco. I like John Fox and Mike Singletary as coaches, but they haven't been able to deliver like the pizza man, which I'm only mentioning because something like 85% of Drake's rap includes references to pizza. Frisk Index Score: 3

Denver, Jacksonville: These teams suck, but they are also REALLY boring. I can't imagine writing a sentence about them, let alone reading one. Frisk Index Score: 4

Oakland: I want to say a couple of nice things about ESPN. First, their TrueHoop NBA blog is fantastic, and I highly recommend it. Second, Tim Cowlishaw broke out a killer Al Davis impression on Around the Horn a few days ago. It's easy to hate on ESPN, but I don't want it to be formulaic hate. Frisk Index Score: 5

Cleveland: In order to have a high score on the Frisk Index, you need to lack talent and direction as a franchise. The Browns beat the defending champs last week because of two interception return touchdowns by a defensive lineman. The Browns deserve an award for Continued Excellence in Frisk due to the fact that they have beaten the defending Super Bowl Champion for three straight seasons. I wish I had an award for Continued Excellence in Frisk, but the ladies still won't show me love. Even with my UNICEF box! Frisk Index Score: 8.5

There is frisk in Cleveland! But there is even more frisk in…

Buffalo/Oklahoma City/Los Angeles/Anaheim/Toronto/Shelbyville: There is so much frisk in Buffalo right now. Any time Ryan Friskpatrick leads you to 34 points in Baltimore with no talent around him, or in him, and Chan Gailey as a coach, you know you're getting a high frisk score. Frisk Index Score: 10

I'm 39-66 for the season and went 4-10 again last week. Not good. Home teams in bold, and wish me luck. I'm making my picks this week based exclusively on Frisk:

Miami Dolphins over Cincinatti Bengals (-2.5)

Detroit Lions (-2.5) over Washington Redskins

Buffalo Bills over Kansas City Chiefs (-7.5)

If I were picking on a non-frisk basis, I would take the Chiefs. Kansas City has a chance to win a playoff game since they'll probably get the fourth seed in the AFC, meaning that the awesome Arrowhead crowd will be in full force in the first round. I love the Kansas City crowd, but only in a platonic way. I remain firmly opposed to dipole-dipole atomic bonding. IT'S ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND DIPOLE!!!!!

St Louis Rams (-3.5) over Carolina Panthers

New York Jets (-6.5) over Green Bay Packers

Denver Broncos over San Francisco 49ers (-.5)

San Diego Chargers (-3.5) over Tennessee Titans

Arizona Cardinals (-3.5) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers

New England Patriots (-5.5) over Minnesota Vikings

Oakland Raiders (-2.5) over Seattle Seahawks

Pittsburgh Steelers over New Orleans Saints (-.5)

Houston Texans over Indianapolis Colts (-5.5)

Jacksonville Jaguars over Dallas Cowboys (-6.5)

With Michigan and Dallas both collapsing, the only thing I have left in my life is my friends, family, health and the New Jersey Nets. If the Nets beat the Heat tonight, the road to the Finals comes through Newark.

Last Week: 4-10
Season: 39-66

Waiting for Udoh

2010-10-26T14:46:00.001-07:00

Note: I wrote the majority of this before yesterday's Dallas-New York game on Monday Night Football. Nothing about Romo in this column, though I'm shell-shocked and can't remember an NFL season ever being as cruel and hopeless as this one. As usual, the next NFL column will be posted at some point before Sunday at 1 pm.

During the height of SAT stress in high school, I noticed a certain class of people who would walk around with thick SAT prep books all day. They obviously weren't doing any studying, but they wanted you to know that THEY WERE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO IMPROVE. JUST GOTTA KEEP WORKIN'!!!. THIS IS A PICTURE OF GLEN DAVIS'S FACE, WHICH IS THE EMBODIMENT OF HARD WORK AND SOLID EXECUTION:

When these people graduated high school, they apparently all got subscriptions to The Economist, which they also carry around all day. This semester, I've seen a few people per class using an iPad to read similar high end magazines.

I was thinking of getting an iPad since I have some money saved up. My main motivation is to have a collection of impressive looking apps - WSJ, NYT, The New Yorker, etc. - and fool people into thinking I'm literate. I don't mean well-read. I mean literate. The ladies love literacy, which is why I frequently walk around with a UNICEF box just so I have a way to start conversations with them. Oh you didn't hear? Puppies were the new toddlers, but now UNICEF boxes are the new puppies. #hipster

Speaking of Adam Morrison, I need to give him credit for winning two titles despite being born with an ironic moustache. Oh you didn't hear? Street clothes are the new double-double.

I don't even know if I'd get an iPad if I chose to buy a tablet. Several other tech companies, including Research in Motion, Dell, and Hewlett-Packard, are debuting tablets as well and some of them seem to have nicer features than the iPad. The Lenovo U1 Tablet claims to have an 11.6 inch screen, but come on, that's obviously made up. Nobody has an 11.6 inch screen.

Anyway, the biggest upside of getting a tablet would be NBA Game Time, which is an app which allows you to watch every game. I had the same application on my laptop last year, but that's weak. The ladies don't want to watch simultaneous action from 12 NBA games on a laptop. Gotta step my game up.

The NBA season starts tomorrow, which means I'll finally have something to distract me from this awful Cowboys season. I became a Mavericks fan once the Nets decided to stomp all over New Jersey (and, obviously, my childhood team is leaving the state meaning I no longer have any reason to support them).

Two years ago I started watching Thunder games regularly. I didn't switch allegiances to them by any means, but it was fun to watch a young team with a budding superstar play in front of an electric crowd every night. And by "budding superstar", I do not mean Josh Howard.

Last year, the Thunder won over fifty games – or, as I call it, selling out and going mainstream. I couldn’t keep the Thunder as my mistress anymore. I know it seems like I’m mixing metaphors by first comparing the Thunder to an indie band and then to an illicit girlfriend, but in reality I’m actually referring to the indie band known as Mistress. You probably haven’t heard of them.

Kevin Durant is the best player in the league and he wasn’t even able to get in to bars two years ago, though he could probably get into this one bar on campus named Cavanaugh’s which is like the National Honor Society in the sense that everybody is allowed in. The Oklahoma City crowd is so good that I barely whine about Seattle anymore, even though the Sonics leaving is almost as cruel as when the Houston Euhlers backwardly recursed their way to Tennessee in 1997. I imagine the Oklahoma City crowd yells folksy things like “Thatta Boy!” after their team displays solid fundamentals on the court (nothing flashy, hun!). Little known fact: the phrase “thatta boy” is actually derived from Thaddeus A. Boy, a 19^th century general store owner from Appalachia known for boxing out and crisp outlet passes.

So, I switched over to the Sacramento Kings for the 2009-10 season. The Kings had the nostalgia factor going for them because of the 2002 Western Conference Finals. Plus, I met Jason Thompson last year and he’s a really nice guy. The Kings aren’t going to win fifty games this year, but I would like to jump over to a different team nonetheless.

This year, I’m going with the Golden State Warriors. Led by Ekpe Udoh, the Warriors fit my criteria for a fun mistress team since they will have a great offense but lose 55 games. Perfect. David Lee’s defense was horrible in New York, but combining him with Monta Ellis and Steph Curry should make for a fun season.

I will be hating on the Miami Heat as I’ve hated on no team since the Yankees during the heyday of C. Montgomery Steinbrenner. Still, I hope their three stars stay healthy for the entire season. I think the 2008 NFL season should have an asterisk because Tom Brady didn’t play, and I’d hate to say the same about the 2010-11 NBA season. I don’t really like writing (or talking) about race or politics, and like most people I thought LeBron’s comments on race to CNN were misguided. Apparently, I was wrong.

A poll conducted by ESPN found that LeBron was viewed favorably post-Decision by something like 33% of whites and 65% of blacks. It would be interesting to see what the breakdown was before The Decision, but LeBron’s point remains unfortunately valid. Obviously, people aren’t racist for disliking James. But that wasn’t the King’s point. He just said that race appears to be a factor, and the data seem to support him in the sense that his approval ratings vary by race. The root of my distrust for race-based arguments is my cousin, who is convinced the New York Times crossword puzzle is racist.

LeBron’s newest Nike commercial premiered yesterday and it has already gone viral. I loved it for all the reasons I hated The Decision. It combined a critique of societal expectations of athletes with self-depreciative humor and made me question why I wanted him to stay in Cleveland so badly. I still wish he had stayed, but the commercial made those of us who rode high horses in the cavalry against LeBron look pretty stupid. LeBron’s going to destroy the league this year with a comeback reminiscent of the album T.I. vs T.I.P, which I assume was a comeback from the awful album T.I. vs TI-89 in which the infamous rapper questions the credibility of calculators.

One final thought about the Heat: My friend Dan made fun of the dynamic among James, Wade and Bosh in such a hilarious way a week ago that I feel compelled to pass it on. Dan noticed that whenever there’s an interview with all three of them, James and Wade will be talking about winning championships and being committed to team-first basketball, whereas Bosh will only talk about being committed to each other. Seriously, it’s completely creepy and suggests that Bosh is a little too excited to be playing in Miami. Dan’s impression of an interview with the Big Three:

Wade: I’m not too worried about putting up great numbers. Our main goal is to win a title.

LeBron: I agree entirely. Winning is the ultimate goal here, not chasing individual accomplishments.

Bosh: NOTHING WILL EVER TEAR US APART!!!!!!

I’m not going to make any predictions for the coming season. The NBA, unlike the NFL, doesn’t have much parity at the top. This means that we’re pretty much guaranteed that the last four teams will be Boston, Miami, L.A. and Oklahoma City unless Portland or Orlando pulls an upset. I have no problem making outlandish predictions in the NFL because in a one-game playoff system, anything is possible. This isn’t true for the NBA, which means that the only deviation from my picks and actual experts’ picks will be the lower playoff seeds. Hardly worth writing about.

Instead, I’ll close with a quick story about my new favorite basketball player, Chris Douglas-Roberts. CDR was an honorable mention All-American at Memphis and played two seasons in New Jersey. He’s now a member of the Bucks and writes one of the wittiest Twitter feeds I’ve seen. I friended him on Facebook and sent him a message (he has no wall) which said the following:

Me: Hey, I’m a huge Nets fan but I just wanted to wish you luck next season. Good luck. Best, Satya.

Two weeks later, I got a response:

Chris Douglas-Roberts: Hey man, thanks for the wishes. I know us athletes are nothing without our fans.

I was stunned that an actual professional athlete had taken the time to respond to my idiotic Facebook message. It was amazing. Or, in the parlance of snarky blogs everywhere…

/where amazing happens’d.

America’s Game of the Week

2010-10-24T09:53:00.001-07:00

Three important events happened in the last five days:

Mark Schlereth delivered a devastating takedown of Roger Goodell's hypocrisy on SportsCenter on Tuesday. I frequently make fun of Schlereth, but I dislike when blogs become snarky or sarcastic as part of a schtick and refuse to admit when they were wrong. I am not a fan of Schlereth's analysis of football games but credit must be given where due. The league's refusal to pay for players' healthcare costs after March and its insistence on an 18 game schedule contradict its newfound desire to mitigate the effects of concussions. Kudos to Schlereth. At least he wasn't like Dennis Miller, who during his time as a Monday Night Football broadcaster was unable to comment on a football game without a joke involving the connection between socialism, Jean-Paul Sartre and short yardage situations.
Bill Simmons used a hilarious Jon Gruden impression in his column, which means I have to retire mine.
My roommate Neil decided to alter his diet so that it matches his girlfriend's. As far as I can tell, she eats nothing but allergens. Our cabinets are now filled with peanut butter, grass clippings, rag weed, and pollen.

Here are some more points which follow numbers, because it is lazy writing:

Halloween is coming up next week. I was thinking of going as Waldo, but I realized that he's one of the dirtiest hipsters in all of child literature. Waldo wears skinny jeans, a horizontal striped shirt, thick glasses and a goofy hat. He also has a cane. Plus, like all hipsters, he's always trying to be seen without being seen. You know, the whole "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME…can't believe you're looking at me" mentality. I saw Waldo at a Hanson concert last week, which he presumably attended due to the irony.
I have a friend who is dressing as Lara Croft, Tomb Raider for Halloween. I guess that's all right except it ruins my plans to dress as Lara Croftman, D.D.S. – one of the most badass yet sexy dentists of all time.
I participated in an info session recently in which upperclassmen answer questions that freshmen and sophomores have about the internship application process. One panelist commented that during her performance review last summer her manager kept telling her to "be proactive", so I made a joke about acne when she was done speaking. She has clear skin so it wasn't mean. Still, I got nothing but crickets. Another awful joke:
My friend Vadim and I were making plans to throw around a football a few days ago, but his text said he had to "get his landry first". I immediately pounced on his typo with this response: "LaRon? Yeah he can come too. (groan)" I groaned at my own joke because I knew it sucked, but if I didn't make it then it would have fermented inside of me and became a joke that was 100x worse. Probably something about socialism, Jean-Paul Sartre and short yardage situations.

The Dallas Cowboys and I did not fare well last week. I fell to last place in my league after going 4-10, and Dallas's season appears to be over. I'm putting myself on the hot seat and I'm probably going to fire myself after the season. True story – I actually forgot to click one of the games when I submitted my picks. I was trying to think of a metaphor for my sloppiness, but I can't stop thinking of Sasha Vuijaicic.

Home teams in bold. Wish me luck:

Cincinatti Bengals over Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)

Washington Redskins over Chicago Bears (-2.5)

The Falcons and Bears are bad teams with records which are inflated due to unlikely wins. The Bengals' helmets look like bad combovers, but still.

Tennessee Titans (-3.5) over Philadelphia Eagles

It's a shame that this game is in Tennessee because then the game would be on CBS in the Philly area. As you know, Fox covers NFC games and CBS provides low quality video which presumably contains AFC game footage embedded somewhere in it. Anyway, in the case of interconference games, the road team's network gets to carry the game. I kind of like when this happens because it's like taking a vacation from reality (like growing a moustache or becoming unstuck in space-time).

Kansas City Chiefs (-5.5) over Jacksonville Jaguars

Miami Dolphins (+3.5) over Pittsburgh Steelers

Miami's going to make Pittsburgh wear its black uniforms in South Florida heat, which I imagine will make the vaunted Steelers mildly uncomfortable. I am basing my pick solely on this observation. Did I mention I'm in last place in my picks league?

New Orleans Saints (-13.5) over Cleveland Browns

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-2.5) over St. Louis Rams

This matchup was Patriots-Colts before Patriots-Colts was Patriots-Colts. Expect Jacquez Green to have a breakout game.

San Francisco 49ers at Carolina Panthers (+3.5)

John Fox is having the worst contract year since King John in 1215. That's right, a Magna Carta joke! Dennis Miller lives, baby!!!!!!!!

Baltimore Ravens (-13.5) over Oklahoma City Bills

I feel horrible for Buffalo fans and the team's owner, Ralph Wilson. Wilson is 92 years old and recently said something to the effect of "I may not be around by the time we start winning again".

Arizona Cardinals over Seattle Seahawks (-5.5)

Fox always puts the best NFC matchup of the week at 4 pm. Last week, they debuted the title "America's Game of the Week" for the marquee game. I wasn't against it since the title made sense – Dallas at Minnesota was a big game. This week, Arizona at Seattle is the 4 pm game…and Fox has hilariously refused to promote it as America's Game of the Week. My guess is that they put this game together at the last minute before it was due and forgot to include the title page.

San Diego Chargers (-2.5) over New England Patriots

I will continue to hate on the Pats due to my loyalty to Randy Moss. Moss changed his number back to 84 since rejoining the Vikings, and I always wondered why players pick certain numbers. I always root for convoluted stories like "Well, I chose the number 7 due to its representation of pH neutrality, which is also in line with my Swiss ancestry."

Denver Broncos (-6.5) over Oakland Raiders

Minnesota Vikings over Green Bay Packers (-2.5)

Two great rivalries with great aesthetics. That's pretty much all I ask for in sports.

Dallas Cowboys (-2.5) over New York Giants

I can't believe that Vegas keeps giving the Cowboys love even though we suck. I am looking forward to Week 17, when the 1-14 Cowboys are 10.5 point favorites over the Eagles in the season finale.

Last Week: 4-10

Overall: 35-53 (but I really am a huge NFL fan, I swear. Vegas is just better than me.)

Just Gotta Execute

2010-10-16T15:02:00.001-07:00

My relationship with Twitter has evolved considerably over the last year. At first, I did nothing but go to twitter.com/sportsguy33 500 times per day to see if Bill Simmons had tweeted anything. I didn't even have my own screen name. Eventually, I signed up for one and began following dozens of celebrities and athletes. This was the great appeal of Twitter – the ability to have people like P. Diddy communicate directly with me. I soon abandoned the site because watching Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian tweet at each other all day was mind bogglingly boring.

I assumed I would never go back to Twitter, but this past semester my friend Jason revamped his Twitter so that he was only following journalists and news sources. I copied him, and the change was incredible. The ability to have Adam Schefter and Marc Stein constantly updating me on the sports world via the Twitter app on my BlackBerry was fantastic. Having a Twitter app feels like having tabbed browsing on a phone, and I can't get enough of it.

Still, Twitter remains hilarious due to the prevalence of hashtags. Hashtags are a way to categorize tweets. People make lame Twitter jokes with fake hashtags all the time #ThingsIDoandAmNowBeingHypocritical. My friends and I sometimes come up with fake hashtags to make each other laugh.

This morning, I was late for a meeting at the credit union I work for and tweeted the following: "Showed up late for my own meeting, bouta fine myself #teamdiscipline #joshmcdaniels." My friend Jason and I realized that #teamdiscipline is pretty funny and we ran with it. The following are the highlights from our conversation (with Twitter screen names I made up for privacy's sake). For those not familiar with Twitter, the first screename which follows @ is the person who is tweeting, the second one is the person for whom the tweet is intended. You have to be in the right frame of mind to enjoy these. Remember that adding a hashtag to something is supposed to give it gravitas and depth,.

@guybuddy: @friendguy protect your gaps #teamdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy been in the film room since 5 am #teamdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy just got to the team bus at noon, we're supposed to leave at 6 pm. Not taking chances #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy heading to the locker room for the team dinner #teamdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy chillin wit players who play the game the right way discussing #teamdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy Jason varitek wes welker and david Epstein speaking to the guys this morning about #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy making sure not to tweet during the game #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy put the playbook under my pillow #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy making sure not to jump the snap #teamdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy not leading with my helmet #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy can't be distracted by the cheerleaders #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy making sure not to step out of bounds before I get thrown to #teamdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy going straight to the locker room and ignoring reporters, gotta get a head start on prep for next week #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy reestablishing my feet after entering the end zone to establish #fieldposition #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy winning one for the gipper #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy giving turkeys away outta this truck to give back to the community #nflcares #teamdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy making sure to listen to the cadences properly #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy can't hit the guy in the red jersey in practice #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy making sure all the text in my playbook is Helvetica #fontdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy bouta put on this goofy mask and stab some teams #screamdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy bouta watch that rickroll video again #memediscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy radio killa killa killa #DREAMdiscipline

…I am easily amused.

Rain , Sleet, Snow, Hail

2010-10-16T09:18:00.001-07:00

Last week I decided it would be cool to do an entire column where I respond to reader mail. The problem is, my readership is zero. It used to be much wider but thanks to audience fragmentation, cable television and the blogosphere, my blog is currently read by maybe ten people. Double digits though!

I asked the ten people who read this blog to come up with questions and ask me them. Pathetic? Yes. But still, I've never responded to mail before and it seems fun. Since Fundamentally Soundd is a family-friendly blog, I screened questions for content and was forced to delete several questions plus a few pictures Dan texted me. Here's the best of what they came up with:

When do you think people on ESPN will stop acting surprised when the Cowboys keep losing?

I hate my friends.

I am an avid reader of your blog and have been betting large sums of money in Las Vegas based upon your NFL predictions and am now almost broke. What gives?

I am never asking my friends for suggestions ever again.

Most underrated historical figure that was a gunslinger?

It's been a long time since I've written about gunslinging. The most underrated historical gunslinger is the caveman who decided to drink milk from a different animal. Jerry Seinfeld had a great bit about this – "Was this guy looking at these udders thinking…'I can't wait to get a hit of that!'" I'd love to see Mark Schlereth and the gang break down Unknown Caveman's ability to milksling "just like a little kid out there".

Mark: "guys, if you want protein in your diet in this era…YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO TAKE SHOTS DOWN THE FIELD."

The NFL Network was running one if its awesome "America's Game" documentaries, and I recently watched one which chronicled the 1998 Denver Broncos. They showed a few clips of Terrell Davis and asked Mark Schlereth to describe his teammate. Mark said, in all seriousness, "THAT GUY…was a FOOTBALL PLAYER. [stares into camera]".

Should Brett Favre switch to maybe a smaller number…?

This question is funnier than any joke I can possibly make about it. Sometimes, you just have to know when not to remix a classic. I almost wrote "when to not remix a classic", but I'm all about not splitting infinitives now. Splitting infinitives used to be cool, but now I can only enjoy it ironically.

The new name for the Nets?

I remember reading "Brooklyn Bridges" somewhere, which I'm a huge fan of for several reasons. First, it's a name which is unique to the area. The Brooklyn Bridge is iconic. I hate when a team tries to be "fierce" with its nickname – it's the ugly sibling of being "sleek" with its uniform. Second, it hints at the potential international appeal of the team now that Mikhail Prokharov is in charge.

NFL Fever on XBOX was a lot of fun because it melded the best elements of Blitz and Madden. NFL Herpes on XBOX was way less fun, and I can see why Microsoft pulled the plug on its line of football games. Anyway, in that game (I think) you were able to play as a team dressed in suits and ties called the Lawyers or something. Similarly, my friend Steve and I had the idea to start a football team in Williamsburg named the Brooklyn Hipsters. Our home uniforms would be cutoff jhorts and undersized Christian Laettner Dream Team jerseys. Dov Charney Memorial Stadium would be packed for two weeks, but then people would stop showing up because we were too popular. Then, in five seasons, people would be fans of the franchise again because we were vintage.

The concession stands would sell nothing but moonshine and beef jerky. We'd play songs from Rocky on the P.A. system because we're not from Philadelphia (this is actually something that real franchises do that I cannot stand. Rocky was not from San Antonio, Mr. Spurs Audio Guy).

Segway President dies falling off a cliff on a Segway? What is the most ironic death ever?

This was actually a bit sad. The man, Jimi Heselden, was a billionaire philanthropist who apparently did a lot of great things for his hometown. He smoothly transitioned into being the president of Segway from being the president of something unrelated in a way which did not seem forced.

Best fantasy team name you've heard?

This is very, very difficult. I'm reminded of the classic Simpsons quote in the episode where Homer joins a barbershop quartet. He and his three friends are looking for a band name, and they agree that it has to be something "which is clever at first, but gets progressively less clever every time you hear it." All fantasy names are like that, even the best ones.

What's a better system: a regular season where individual games are essentially meaningless and only the playoffs matter (the team has to get hot at the right time) or one in which EVERY game counts (EPL, college football) and your season can end if you mess up in the first game of the season? I think that the former system is more in line with the American spirit of the underdog always has a shot, otherwise we would still remember the 2007 Pats as the greatest ever. What do you think?

Interesting question. I love the life-or-death nature of college football but it's tough to top NFL playoff weekends. The MLB regular season is horrible, but I love how baseball only allows four teams into its postseason every year. MLB postseason membership is pretty elitist. Most of the teams only got in because their respective dads went there. I WAS PRESIDENT OF THE PAN-ASIAN ROTARY COMMUNITY SERVICE RED CROSS CLUB AND I DIDN'T GET INTO THE MLB POSTSEASON!!!!!!

…..

I really enjoyed the questions, so thanks to my friends for coming up with them. Keep them coming. In my picks league, I had another terrible week and went 6-8. Dan is two picks ahead of Vadim for the top spot, and I'm eight behind Dan. I won the championship last year and my title defense continues to suck, though I've always been a fan of the phrase "Super Bowl Hangover" because I can pretend that Sean Payton was blackout drunk during the title game. Hopefully I start to get hot in Week 6. Home teams are in bold, wish me luck:

Chicago Bears (-6.5) over Seattle Seahawks

Can't trust an NFC West team on the road.

Baltimore Ravens over New England Patriots (-2.5)

Justin Bieber actually made fun of Tom Brady's hair this week. The rap lyrics in which he did it were completely nonsensical – the line to set up the Brady diss was "Sacked like a sacker." Believing in the Patriots right now is similar to liking Nutella or MGMT; defensibly quirky, but not really bold.

New York Giants (-10.5) over Detroit Lions

The Giants' running game and defense has been so impressive recently that Manning threw three picks last week, on the road against a great offense, and the team still won by 24 points. I assume The Book of Eli was mostly just Denzel wandering around in the desert and throwing interceptions.

Philadelphia Eagles (-1.5) over Atlanta Falcons

The Eagles are the best team in the NFC right now, and the Falcons are a complete fraud. This team could easily be 2-3 if it weren't for two plays: Nate Clements pulling a Marlon McCree and Garrett Hartley missing a 29 yard field goal.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-13.5) over Cleveland Browns

Colt McCoy is an awesome name for a gunslinging quarterback, but sadly Colt McCoy was apparently born without bones in his right shoulder. I think he'll be injured by halftime, then Josh Cribbs will come in and play admirably in a losing effort. I would love this situation because it reminds of the few times per year when a random utility infielder has to be a relief pitcher in baseball because the manager already used the other pitchers.

Green Bay Packers (-1.5) over Miami Dolphins

Big statement game for the Packers. I feel like too many people have hopped off the Green Bay bandwagon. This team is good enough to make the Super Bowl and lose by twenty to Pittsburgh. I live with a Steelers fan and he's gonna be walkin' around here like Scuba Steve braggin' about how much action he got once the Steelers win the title.

San Diego Chargers over St. Louis Rams (+8.5)

The Chargers are the anti-Falcons in the sense that they should be 4-1 if it wasn't for special teams debacles in Seattle and Oakland. I believe in "football efficiency", in that whichever team won a given game was the better team and deserved to win. Is this contradictory? Yes, and doublethink is doubleplusungood.

Tampa Bay Bucs (+5.5) over New Orleans Saints

Kansas City Chiefs over Houston Texans (-4.5)

I'm all over the Chiefs bandwagon. Great uniforms too – simple, classic, elegant.

San Francisco 49ers (-6.5) over Oakland Raiders

David Carr, Jesse Palmer, Jim Sorgi, Jared Lorenzen, Danny Kannell, Kent Graham, Dave Brown, Kurt Warner, Kerry Collins. Random Giants backups from over the years.

New York Jets over Denver Broncos (+3.5)

In 2008, Brett Favre led the Jets to a win over the previously undefeated Titans to get the Jets to 8-4 and everyone thought the Jets were on their way to winning the AFC. The next week, they got slaughtered by the Broncos in the Meadowlands and the season soon fell apart. Last week, the Jets had a similarly huge win and people like me think that they're the second best team in the league. I don't think they're gonna blow it this time. Jets win big.

In fact, the league hierarchy looks so different than it did for the last decade. Basically, each year, the Colts and Pats were the top two teams in the regular season and it surprising when one of them didn't win the title. Here's how the league looks now:

Tier One: Steelers, Jets, Ravens (in order)
Tier Two: Colts, Patriots
Tier Three: Chiefs, Texans, Saints, Chargers, Titans Packers, Eagles, Giants, Falcons (not in order)
Tier Four: Bucs, Redskins, Vikings, Bears

Surprising, but the gap between Tier One and the rest of the league is huge.

Indianapolis Colts over Washington Redskins (+3.5)

Jacksonville Jaguars (+3.5) over Tennessee Titans

And the game of the week:

Dallas Cowboys (-1.5) over Minnesota Vikings

I'm only picking the Cowboys because they're my favorite team. I fully expect Randy Moss to single-handedly eviscerate Dallas the way he has done since 1998, and I expect Bill Cowher to be the Cowboys' coach by halftime.

Last Week: 6-8
Season: 31-43

The Gunslinger

2010-10-10T08:54:00.001-07:00

The allegations against Brett Favre aren't pretty. Favre's supposed actions are gross, but I have to say I'm a little impressed that he knows how to text pictures to people. I can imagine Favre's train of thought: "ok…share picture…as email? No, I'll just MMS her…chicks dig MMS…". Too bad the women in question didn't have iPhones, because from what I understand Favre actually send the lewd images in the form of an elaborate Flash video as a meta-comment on Apple's unseemly refusal to carry the popular multimedia platform.

The main reason the Favre story is so interesting is the bind in which the NFL finds itself. I thought Peyton Manning was the face of the NFL, but a June 2010 poll by Harris Interactive showed that Brett Favre is actually America's favorite football player. Favre's misconduct, if true, is disgusting. But will the NFL have the stones to suspend its sacred cow?

The second reason the Favre scandal is so interesting is because every NFL pundit in the country was just told that Santa Claus doesn't exist. Favre has been the media's favorite player for a long time, and every Favre apologist now has egg all over his face. I imagine the media will react as follows:

Mark Schlereth: "(lowers voice) guys, if I'm heading into a fight in a dark alley...(raises voice) I STILL TAKE BRETT FAVRE, because MOST fights...99.9% OF THE TIME…require someone to take pictures of his [expletive]."

Jon Gruden: "If I'm Brad Childress…I find a way to GET. THIS. GUY. INVOLVED. THIS GUY. CAN STILL. MAKE PLAYS. Jaws?"

Ron Jaworski: "Guys, I had a chance to break down the video of Favre's alleged misconduct in the film room this week. From the goal line cam, we can see Favre change the camera settings from sepia to color at the last moment. The defense is slow to adjust out of its base 4-3 defense. Fullback Naufahu Tahi is able to get a chip block on good judgement, giving Favre time to sling some [expletive] at a female employee. By choosing to send the picture as a high resolution image, Favre shows that he's still the gunslinger of old and is not afraid to use data out there. Great execution from the future Hall of Famer."

Keith Olbermann: "SIR HAVE YOU NO SHAME SIR? SIR WHEREFORE ART THOU WHENCEFORTH ERGO MORROW, SIR????"

Glenn Beck: "(uncontrollable sobbing in front of a chalkboard connecting Favre's [expletive], the United Auto Workers, Karl Marx, TARP and Nancy Pelosi)."

Rick Reilly: "Hey guys, remember Kelly Clarkson? I mean, am I right?"

On an unrelated note, Jason Whitlock has been the most consistently hilarious/insightful writer in 2010 and his Favre article was great. Whitlock has been calling Rick Reilly "RiMarcus Reilly" since Reilly signed an enormous contract with ESPN just to write crappy articles which read like mad-libs based on pop-culture from 2005. Rick Reilly probably doesn't abuse codeine though, so the comparison breaks down after a while.

Whatever was left of Favre's image as an aw-shucks, good ol' southern boy was pretty much shattered by his decision to drop his Wranglers and take some pictures. Peter King tweeted that the issue wasn't that Favre was hitting on these women, but that he sent them lewd pictures. I disagree. It would be a slightly different story if the women weren't Jets employees and some consensual gunslinging had occurred. Favre would still be a jerk for cheating on his wife, but at least then he wouldn't have been a creeper. But this is not the case. You can't be harassing people at work, especially since the women already rejected Favre before he persisted and sent the photos. He deserves a suspension assuming the allegations are true.

Final thoughts on the Favre issue: THAT IS A DISGUSTING ACT BY RANDY MOSS!!!

I treaded water in my picks league last week, but my friend Dan is slowly pulling away. He's the leader with a record of 32-30, which is seven games better than me. Home teams in bold. Wish me luck:

Oklahoma City Bills (+1.5) over Jacksonville Jaguars

Love the Bills home fans. Plus, Buffalo was able to keep things close against Miami and New England, and the Jaguars are not as good as either of those teams. The Jets are the league's second best team, so there is no shame in losing to them by three touchdowns. I will take a shot of Polish cherry liqueur out of a bowling ball if the Bills win this game.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers over Cincinnati Bengals (-6.5)

Atlanta Falcons over Cleveland Browns (+3.5)

St. Louis Rams over Detroit Lions (-3.5)

Kansas City Chiefs over Indianapolis Colts (-8.5)

I actually like the Chiefs and Rams this year – two well-coached teams who don't beat themselves. Two weird plays have prevented the Colts from being 4-0 this season: Austin Collie's fumble in the Texans game and the tipped interception in the Jaguars game. Still, I think the Colts only win this one by a field goal.

Washington Redskins (+2.5) over Green Bay Packers

Here are the keys to the game for the Skins according the Darryl Johnston: Limit turnovers, pressure Aaron Rodgers, and make big plays when they are available. Make sure Mike McCarthy doesn't get those before the game Moose – you might blow Shanahan's entire game plan. Let's check in with Tony Siragusa down on the field:

"GUYS I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW LOUD IT IS DOWN HERE!!!"

Carolina Panthers (+2.5) over Chicago Bears

I kind of like how Chicago's football and basketball teams are called the Bulls and Bears, respectively. Respectively, damnit!!! That kind of means "each".

Denver Broncos over Baltimore Ravens (-7.5)

Baltimore has the best pass defense in the league, but they played against the Jets (before Sanchez got good), Bengals (Palmer sucks) and Steelers (love Charlie Batch, but come on). Denver has the best passing offense and should be able to keep this close.

Terrelle Pryor (-3.5) over Denard Robinson

I'm still bummed out over Michigan's loss to Michigan State yesterday. Denard Robinson had an awful game and Ohio State's Pryor is now the favorite to win the Heisman. Two new reasons to hate Ohio State more than I already did: More family ties to Michigan as of September 2010 and LeBron James won't stop tweeting about how awesome his Buckeyes are.

New York Giants over Houston Texans (-3.5)

Arizona Cardinals (+7.5) over New Orleans Saints

San Diego Chargers over Oakland Raiders (+6.5)

San Francisco 49ers (-3.5) over Philadelphia Eagles

Dallas Cowboys (-6.5) over Tennessee Titans

Need to align my gambling and rooting interests. Hopefully Dallas wins and the Eagles lose.

New York Jets (-4.5) over Minnesota Vikings

As I wrote last week, I am a huge Randy Moss supporter. He's the most thoughtful and interesting player in the league. Why? Because when every player gives some boring variant on "We just gotta execute out there", Moss says what he thinks. I hope he goes into broadcasting when he retires – he could easily be the Charles Barkley of the NFL. I want Moss to put up 20 touchdowns over the next 13 games and the Patriots' offense to crash. Wes Welker is a great slot receiver…but then, Todd Bouman was a great quarterback when he got to play with Randy Moss.

Last Week: 7-7
Season: 25-37.

Less is More

2010-10-03T09:24:00.001-07:00

Earlier this week, Indianapolis Colts President Bill Polian said that an 18-game schedule was a "fait acompli". I'm surprised Polian is whining to change the rules, since it's not like the Colts lost to the New England 16GameSeasons in last year's postseason. Anyway, I sincerely hope the players' union shows some resolve and refuses to agree to the expanded season.

Product dilution is the reason no one my age cares about the NHL or MLB. The NFL doesn't have this problem yet. Let's hope it stays that way.

I had another awful picks week in Week 3, going 6-10 and falling five games back of the leader. I need to put together a rich, gorgeous week – empty of the post glo-fi melodrama and dark irony which defined the past decade. The last sentence is what I imagine it would look like if hipster music website Pitchfork made NFL picks. Week 4, wish me luck:

Atlanta Falcons (-6.5) over San Francisco 49ers

Pickup football games are determined by talent, but NFL games are determined by organization and execution. Mike Smith is part of a Baltimore coaching lineage which includes Rex Ryan and Marvin Lewis. Mike Singletary believes that pants are optional. Lots of people make jokes about how Singletary looks a little like a turtle, but they have to remember that his ability to avoid pelicans and make it to the ocean shortly after his birth is what made him one of the greatest linebackers in NFL history.

In all seriousness, I watched an NFL Films show where Singletary, Smith, Ryan, Lewis, Jack Del Rio and John Harbaugh were seated at a round table and spent half an hour discussing Ray Lewis. The show, like everything ever made by NFL Films, was fantastic. I think Singletary is a good defensive coach and excellent motivator, but his offense is chronically underprepared - which is similar to being acutely underprepared but it lasts longer.

New York Jets over The Los Angeles Bills of Anaheim and Toronto (+5.5)

In our picks league, there are a few games which everyone picks the same way. For example, no one picked the Jaguars to cover against Philadelphia last week. This means that only four or five games have enough variance to generate differentiation in the overall picks standings. Early on in the season, there is no need to take on excessive risk and "try to be a hero". If I'm still five or six games back in Week 17, I'll have to pick ridiculous upsets and hope I get lucky. What I'm saying is, there's no way I'm picking the Bills in Week 4.

I remember a few years ago, after the Sonics left Seattle, everyone was rightfully disgusted with the NBA. We might have been disgusted by the NBA, but most of us weren't sure if the correct phrasing is "disgusted with" or "disgusted by". Still, I feel horrible for Buffalo and I sincerely hope those fans get to keep their team. I was never a Bills fan, but those fans and those old school jerseys ('90s, not '70s) generated so many happy memories for me as a kid. I remember Thurman Thomas's goofy facemask and Wade "Rob Johnson is a Good Idea" Phillips making horrible decisions. I remember Marv Levy and Frank Reich and the ridiculous Oilers/Bills playoff game – not because I watched it, but because it's canonized in NFL lore. And, you'd have to be heartless not to love small market teams with devoted fan bases. Did you know that there is a Bills fan named Ken Johnson who has been giving away free shots of Polish cherry liqueur during his Orchard Park tailgates for the last twenty years? If the Bills move and the NFL expands to 18 games, I'd improbably hate NFL management more than I hate NBA management. Actually, Stu Jackson will probably suspend Kevin Garnett for breathing on LeBron James for Game 7 of next year's Eastern Conference Finals, so he'll still be worse. But it will be close.

Cleveland Browns (+3.5) over Cincinnati Bengals

Green Bay Packers (-14.5) over Detroit Lions

If the Lions were healthy, I'd pick them to cover.

Denver Broncos over Tennessee Titans (-6.5)

During the promos for last week's Colts-Broncos game, the voiceover said something like "Manning and Orton prepare for a duel in Denver!" Orton's not bad, but I don't think he belongs in the same sentence as Manning. He probably doesn't even belong in the same language. If that promo were written in Cyrillic, then it might be acceptable.

Seattle Seahawks over St. Louis Rams (+.5)

This game could cause an existential crisis in St. Louis if fans extrapolate the meaninglessness of this game to life in general. Aujourd'hu, le Premier Show du Turf est morte. Ou peut etre hier, je ne sais pas.

New Orleans Saints (-13.5) over Carolina Panthers

I expect a blowout.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-1.5) over Baltimore Ravens

Finally, a game worth writing about. The Steelers have been the most impressive team in the league through three weeks. I originally picked the Ravens in this game before flip-flopping. I thought that it would be too difficult for Charlie Batch to play well against the Ravens' defense, but then I realized that the Steelers' defense is better than Baltimore's and Batch is better than Flacco. Plus, teams have been able to run on Baltimore this year.

Announcers will say things like "YOU BETTER STRAP ON YOUR HELMETS FOR A BRAWL IN PITTSBURGH!!!" What bothers me is that if Green Bay played New Orleans, they'd be fetishizing "TWO TEAMS WHO CAN REALLY SCORE ON YA! IT'LL BE A BARNBURNER!!!!" What do announcers really like? I feel as if they're cheating on me. Dan Dierdorf, you broke my heart.

Intelligent Design over Evolution (+3.5)

Manatees and Wade Phillips are what caused me to question evolution this week. Come on, have you ever seen a manatee? All they do is float there like idiots and eat all day and get hit by boats. I have similar arguments for Wade Phillips. Unless manatees were playing in the NFC West, there's no way they could possibly be considered the "fittest" of anything.

Indianapolis Colts over Jacksonville Jaguars (+8.5)

Houston Texans over Oakland Raiders (+3.5)

Arizona Cardinals over San Diego Chargers (-8.5)

Washington Redskins over Philadelphia Eagles (-6.5)

Rooting for the Redskins here, so I might as well pick them.

New York Giants (-3.5) over Chicago Bears

The talking heads on Around the Horn this week were lauding the Bears for being "THE LAST UNDEFEATED TEAM IN THE NFC! YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND FOOTBALLL!!!!!!". The Bears could easily be 1-2.

Miami Dolphins (-.5) over New England Patriots

Any team that gives up 30 points to Buffalo needs help on defense. I love Tom Brady's Michigan connection. Denard Robinson has brought me enough happiness to take the edge off of each Cowboys loss.

One final note: my friends and I are going to Atlantic City on Thursday night for fall break. Hopefully I can get a few good
stories out of it.

Last Week: 6-10

Season: 18-30

The Princeton Offense

2010-09-26T08:08:00.001-07:00

Pete Caril, the head coach of the Princeton Tigers basketball team for thirty seasons, developed what is known as the Princeton Offense. The scheme calls for exceptionally well coached players to execute intricately designed plays with precision. Jason Garrett, the offensive coordinator for the Dallas Cowboys and a Princeton graduate, has a slight variant of this with my beloved Cowboys in which poorly coached players wander around aimlessly with 8:1 Super Bowl odds and "Yakkity Sax" playing in the background.

The Cowboys' offense has become stale and predictable. "Predictable" is a word more closely associated with the Eagles' offense, though I think "creepy" fits for them as well since Andy Reid usually opts to distribute candy to children from unmarked vans on third and short. He later challenges his ability to do so, and invariably loses.

I'm three games back of the leader in my picks league after a reasonable 8 win performance in Week 2. Home teams in bold:

San Francisco over Kansas City (+2.5)

I picked the Chiefs to make the playoffs before the season started. Granted, I made the pick in 2009, but still. I could have just acted like every economist and financial analyst of the last two years and said I'm "cautiously optimistic" about the Chiefs future. Why? Because if things go well, I can point to my optimism; if not, I will remind you that I was cautious this whole time anyway. I hate CNBC.

Baltimore (-10.5) over Cleveland

Josh Cribbs and Jerome Harrison are both questionable today, making a terrible offense even worse. Eric Mangini almost had a great coaching career – in his first season, he beat the Pats once and led the Jets to an unlikely playoff berth. After his second season was marred by a slew of injuries, his season three team started off 8-4 and beat the then-undefeated Tennessee Titans by 3 touchdowns in Week 12. Mangini was in commercials for cell phones in the tri-state area. Soon, Favre hurt his elbow, the Jets collapsed, and Mangini got fired. Now he's in Cleveland and he'll probably be fired after this season. Mangini will have won something like six games over two years by the time this season ends – making him the early favorite to be hired by Buffalo in 2012.

Houston (-2.5) over Dallas

I used to say that I would never pick against Dallas since I didn't want conflicting gambling/rooting interests. I looked through the rest of their schedule, and Dallas could finish 4-12 if they get a couple of lucky breaks, but 2-14 is more likely.

Detroit (-10.5) over Minnesota

Jason Whitlock and Bill Simmons have been pushing the idea that Favre would rather be in Mississippi than Minnesota. Since they are the only two sportswriters I read regularly, they hold a disproportionate amount of influence in the way I think about sports, barbecue and season 2 of "90210". Detroit is another reason for Clevelanders to feel crummy about their sports team. The Lions hired a hungry coach instead of a retread and have a nucleus of Stafford, Johnson and Suh around which they can build.

New England (-13.5) over Buffalo

Actually, Clevelanders can feel good that they aren't Bills fans. As Mark Schlereth might say, "(leans in quietly) chan gailey strikes me as a coach who has lost the hearts and minds of this football team. (loudly) THAT'S NOT HOW YOU WIN FOOTBALL GAMES IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!!"

New Orleans (-4.5) over Atlanta

It's possible that the 2010 Falcons are like the 2009 Bengals – a team whose games I pick incorrectly for 15 games.

Tennessee over New York Giants (-3.5)

The Giants defense is horrible and I wouldn't trust Eli Manning to cover this spread or perform quadruple bypass surgery. Only one of these trust issues is relevant, but Eli and I should do trust falls just in case.

Pittsburgh over Tampa Bay (+2.5)

I think the Bucs changed the color of their pants, which is a huge reason for me to pick against them. If my Mark Schlereth Quote Generator is something like "(soft, pseudo-political statement dripping with morality transitioning into LOUD PSEUDO-POLITICAL STATEMENT DRIPPING WITH MORALITY!!!)" then my Jon Gruden Quote Generator is "(nonsense nonsense nonsense cliché cliché nonsense, Jaws?)". For example, "Guys, I'm not so sure that that the BUCS PANTS don't change…the CULTURE OF THAT LOCKER ROOM….Jaws?". Gruden used to be my favorite coach after his amazing work in Oakland and Tampa Bay, and I honestly hope that Jerry Jones throws $50 million at him or Cowher to come coach the Cowboys. But that doesn't change the fact that Gruden is the worst analyst on TV.

Cincinatti over Carolina (+3.5)
Oakland over Arizona (-4.5)

I will not be watching either of these games

Philadelphia over the Los Angeles Jaguars (+2.5)

I can't wait for the Los Angeles Jaguars to play the Toronto Bills in London in Week 18 of the 2013 season. Thank you Roger Goodell for ruining everything.

Washington Redskins over St. Louis Rams (+3.5)

I think Sam Bradford has looked decent through two weeks, but then, so did Ryan Leaf. Ryan Leaf has become the Hitler of NFL quarterback comparisons. In politics, lazy media personalities will say things like "…and you know who ELSE did that?! HITLER!" Ryan Leaf had a brief stint as the starting quarterback in Dallas.

Indianapolis over Denver (+6.5)

Champ Bailey is hurt and the Broncos weren't good enough to beat the Jaguars. Since Week 6 last year, I can't think of a single thing that Broncos fans can be happy about unless, you know, they had a child or found a better job or something. Sports probably mean too much to us.

San Diego over Seattle (+5.5)

The NFL Network is currently airing an incredible miniseries in which they count down the Top 100 Players in NFL History. I know that the point of the list is to be more historic than accurate – in other words, for the entire body of work to serve as a celebration of the league's history and not a definitive list of excellence. Still, the only reason to make lists is to argue about them. And come on! Randy Moss and LaDanian Tomlinson in the mid-'60s??? The top two non-QB offensive talents over the last twelve years aren't top-30?

Randy Moss is the reason the '07 Patriots and '98 Vikings combined to go 34-3* including postseason play. The '07 Patriots are the highest scoring offense of all time…topping only the '98 Vikings. Brian Billick was the offensive coordinator in Minnesota in '98 and can thank Moss for getting him a job as the Ravens head coach (even though the Ravens' offense always sucked with Billick in charge). The search for the next Randy Moss is the reason Matt Millen drafted something like four hundred wide receivers with a top-5 draft pick. Packers GM Ted Thompson's mind-boggling refusal to pay Randy Moss market value is the reason Brett Favre left the Packers and ended up destroying his own legacy.

I meant to write something about Tomlinson as well, but that Randy Moss rant really took a lot out of me. I write when I want to write.

New York Jets
(+1.5) over Miami

Miami is a very good team. But the Jets' Week 2 win over the Patriots could act as a catalyst for this team to go on a winning streak or, at the very least, what Krusty the clown refers to as "the bender to end all benders". I love the Michigan Wolverines but I'm disgusted by Braylon Edwards's actions. Braylon should have done what all college kids do after a night out – namely, stumbled into WaWa at 5 am and purchased 3,500 calories worth of food. That and not driven.

Green Bay (-3.5) over Chicago

Mike Martz has been the recipient of a lot of love from the pundit class this week. Here are some things to keep in mind:

His wins came against Detroit (the Bears only scored 19 points) and Dallas (the Cowboys suck).
The Greatest Show on Turf was created by Dick Vermeil, not Mike Martz. Martz took Vermeil's roster and talent and turned it into Marc Bulger and zero Super Bowl wins.
The 2001 Patriots are clearly the least talented champion of the last 15 years. Martz played into Bellichick's hands by refusing to run the offense through Marshall Faulk – the league's MVP that year. I'm not taking anything away from what the 2001 Patriots did – they were a smart, gritty team which played the game the right way (vomits). But Martz's arrogance cost the Rams a second title.
After Martz left the Rams, he went 10-19 in two seasons as Detroit's coach before becoming the 49ers' offensive coordinator. Martz's Wikipedia page actually includes the quote "Martz lobbied for journeyman J.T. O'Sullivan" to be the team's quarterback. Again, this man does not have great judgement.

Last Week: 8-8
Season: 12-20

America’s Game

2010-09-17T17:13:00.001-07:00

When I was 17, I invested a significant amount of money in a company which makes discount HDTVs. Seven months later, I learned that equity holders do not fare very well during bankruptcy proceedings and that many of these equity holders are subject to getting yelled at by their respective mothers. Mom is a big fan of portfolio diversification.

I haven't wagered with real money since. Still, my friends and I pick every NFL game against the spread for fun each week. Last year, I picked 13 of 16 games correctly in Week 17 to complete an improbable run to the league championship. I was clearly affected by some sort of championship hangover, since I started out 2010 with a Week 1 record of 4-12. It's early in the season, but I am in last place by six games.

Chris Berman had a running joke where he picked Buffalo to play San Francisco in the Super Bowl every year for nearly two decades. I shy away from easy predictions because few predictions are correct anyway, and it's better to be thought provoking than correct in this context (did I mention my stock portfolio went to $0?). My two bold predictions for the 2010 NFL season have been with me for over a month now, though admittedly they are being posted a week late. One seems smart and the other doesn't.

The New England Patriots will miss the playoffs.

This prediction is already looking weak. The Pats have the chance to reassert themselves as the class of the AFC if they stomp Rex Ryan and the Jets this Sunday. Rex, like his father Buddy, is a great defensive coach with an inability to develop potent offenses. Also, each has the first name of a dog. I expect Sparky Ryan to take over the Browns by Week 6.
The Washington Redskins will make the playoffs.

Bill Simmons is the most popular sportswriter in the country, and the fact that I am calling the Skins my sleeper team 7 days and one victory after he did makes it seem as though this prediction is unoriginal. Nobody denies this.

But, I've been touting Washington's chances all offseason. Last year, they lost 3 games in a row to the Eagles (up 10 in the 4^th quarter), Cowboys (lost 7-6 as Washington's kicker missed 2 easy FGs) and Saints (up 10 with 2 minutes left). I figured Shanahan and McNabb are enough to swing those close games in Washington's favor, as well as rectify embarrassing losses to Kansas City, Detroit and Carolina. And even if Alex Barron is the best player on their team so far, at least this prediction still has a chance of being right.

On the other hand, Rex Grossman is the backup QB, and he sucks at being QB almost as much as I do at picking NFL games. Week 2 (home teams in bold):

Arizona (+6.5) over Atlanta

Atlanta is getting a lot of love from prognosticators and, presumably, Ron Mexico. I don't want to pick the Falcons primarily because they are an incredibly boring team to watch. At least with the Cardinals, I can remember how awesome the Kurt Warner/Larry Fitzgerald Kennedy connection was. I can even remember how awesome the Jake Plummer/Frank Sanders connection was. But the most exciting offensive sequence in Falcons history was three plays with Deion Sanders in 1992.

Cincinnati (+1.5) over Baltimore.

Ray Rice looks amazing and will get plenty of red zone touches, unlike last week. You'd have to be a complete moron to turn down a trade of Ray Rice and Jeremy Shockey for Jamaal Charles and Jermichael Finley. I hope my fantasy football trade counterparty is reading this. Seriously though, that is a completely fair trade.

Kansas City (+1.5) over Cleveland

If Jake Delhomme can't play, Seneca Wallace will start for the Browns. Wallace was the league's MVP from 2006-2008 as he led the Cowboys to a record of 55-2 with three titles over that time period. Madden used to be awesome.

Dallas (-8.5) over Chicago

Alex Barron and Jason Garrett are worth 14 points to the other team. So really, this spread is Dallas by 22.5. Still, despite my pessimism for my favorite team's 2010 chances, I hate picking against my own rooting interest.

Philadelphia (-3.5) over Detroit

I hope Matthew Stafford is healthy if only because he looks like chubby Matt Damon.

Green Bay (-13.5) over Buffalo

Last year's Saints and the 2007 Patriots used to beat bad teams at home by at least three touchdowns. If the Packers can't do that, then…it means nothing because championships are decided in February. But, ESPN has a lot of airtime to fill, so there. I think the only way that ESPN could entertain me at this point is if I could watch a video of Mark Schlereth reacting to the news that the Bengals signed Manny Ramirez to be their tight end. "THIS MAN HAS NO RESPECT FOR THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!!!"

Tennessee (-5.5) over Pittsburgh

Every few years, Tennessee goes 13-3 and loses to Baltimore in its first playoff game. We're overdue.

Miami (+5.5) over Minnesota

The longest kick I ever made in a game was a 58-yarder with Olindo Mare to beat the Vikings.

Carolina (-2.5) over Tampa Bay

Guys! I found a great website where we can stream this game! WE WILL NOT MISS THIS SHOWDOWN!!!

Seattle
(+3.5) over Denver

Bill Belichick's coaching tree sucks, though at least Josh McDaniels is now the leading candidate to be Kansas City's 2011 water boy.

Oakland (-4.5) over St. Louis

Oakland is terrible, but my guess is that an interception-return touchdown will allow the Raiders to cover the spread.

Jets (+1.5) over New England

The Jets offense sucks. But there's no way that Brian Schottenheimer and Rex Ryan are dumb enough to try to run the offense through Mark Sanchez again. If the Jets run the ball 30 times – which they can do effectively against the Patriots – their defense is good enough to win the game.

San Diego (-7.5) over Jacksonville

The Jaguars will probably be playing in Los Angeles by 2013 anyway, so this is a crosstown rivalry as far as I'm concerned. The Chargers used to remind me of the Dallas Mavericks or Phoenix Suns – incredibly talented, fun to watch teams with charismatic superstars and a history of heartbreaking playoff losses. With the loss of Tomlinson, the Chargers are now the Suns without Nash or the Mavs without Dirk. No longer any reason to pull for them.

Houston (-2.5) over Washington

I wish the Texans played the 49ers this week in the Chick-Fil-A Preseason Hype Bowl, because the Texans would crush San Francisco and finally validate all the preseason love. I'm on the bandwagon.

Indianapolis (-5.5) over New York

I'm not picking against Jim Caldwell. Caldwell's career record in September is 4-1, and you just can't argue with those numbers.

New Orleans (-4.5) over San Francisco

At first, I thought this line said Saints -45, in which case it might make sense.

Last week: 4-12

Season: 4-12

Hiatus

2010-08-08T08:55:00.001-07:00

To both people who read this: on hiatus since June due to work, but I'll be back in late August with more updates.

If a blog falls in a forest and no one reads it, does it make a sound?

Ocean City, Maryland

2010-06-03T08:25:00.001-07:00

I used to enjoy having being younger than most of my friends. For some reason, as a child, I assumed this meant that I got to live longer even if it meant being shorter and skinnier than my peers. Obviously, this was pretty dumb reasoning. Being younger than all of your friends stops being fun right after your 20^th birthday.

My friend Dan and I are the last in our group of friends to turn 21. This means that while everyone else gets to go to bars, Dan and I recreate my social life from age 11 to age 16. Basically, I have enough time to start a Madden franchise and play through the 2027 season. As an aside, I always hated how Madden allows players to take storied franchises with deep ties to the local community – such as the Packers or Steelers – and move them to hundreds of locations in the country, including Puerto Rico…but not to any cities in New Jersey. Yes, the geniuses at EA Sports will allow you to take the Giants and move them so home games are played in Yellowstone National Park or something, but I can't move the Jaguars to Newark.

Another friend of mine, Jon, came up with a list of the worst possible fake IDs which one can use. This was inspired by a story of a time that this kid we both knew actually took a novelty McLovin ID from a Superbad promotion and used it at a bar, and the bouncer thought it was so funny that he let the kid in. Jon's list included:

A Dominique Wilkins jersey
The limited edition director's cut of the movie 21, in which a talented group of misfits from MIT takes on Vegas…and wins! (spoiler alert)
An index card with the number 21 written in Sharpie. *must have charisma and/or moxie to get away with this one

Neil, previously mentioned in my recap of the Toronto Spring Break trip, turned 21 over Memorial Day weekend. Dan, Mike, me, Nate, Neil and eight of Neil's high school friends chipped in and rented a house in Ocean City, Maryland to celebrate. As mentioned, Dan and I aren't 21 so our weekend was considerably tamer than the ones everyone else experienced. Still a great trip though.

Thursday 12:15 pm – 2:15 pm

Technically, not part of the trip, but this time period certainly affected my travel plans. I had to drive my friend Ojus to the Department of Motor Vehicles to update his license since he too had recently turned 21. The DMV remains a model of efficiency matched only by Comcast's tech support and the Philadelphia Eagles' 2-Minute Drill. I had intended to leave Jersey by 1:00 pm but was delayed nearly two hours.

Thursday 3:30 pm – 8:00 pm

The Drive. If I were John Elway, I would just capitalize everyday verbs so I could make them feel epic, though I guess at some point they begin to look like titles to Seinfeld episodes (The Deal, The Fix-Up, etc.). Thank god the annoying writers from Friends didn't work in sports journalism in the 1980s, or Elway's exploits would all have titles like The One With the Drive or The One With No Regard for His Body, First Down Denver.

Unlike Elway, I actually went into Baltimore. I had to stop there on my way south in order to pick up a friend. The first thing I saw from the highway was the shipyard made famous by Season 2 of The Wire. Baltimore on its surface doesn't seem so bad – nice skyline, sparkling football stadium, plenty of waterfront areas. But I guess the genius of The Wire was exposing the corruption and urban decay that lurk slightly below the surface – even though tourists like me are completely oblivious to it.

Thursday 9:00 pm – 12:00 pm

I left Neil's and went to my cousin's for dinner and to watch Game 5 of the Suns-Lakers series. For the past decade, I would mark the end of the season for a given league in two ways. First, the season was pretty much done the day Nets or Cowboys were eliminated. But, I would breathe a sigh of relief and consider the season truly over once the Lakers and Eagles were prevented from claiming the championship. Once those teams were out, I could enjoy the rest of postseason play stress free.

Why? Because for most of the past decade, the Nets and Cowboys have sucked. Dallas was great in 2007 and the Nets were decent in a crummy conference for two years, but that's three seasons out of a total twenty combined NFL and NBA years where my teams had a realistic chance of winning a title. In contrast, the Eagles and Lakers are something like fourteen for twenty in terms of combined contending seasons. And I don't hate the Patriots as much as the Eagles because New England wasn't beating Dallas by forty points twice a year for ten years.

So, I was rooting pretty hard for the Suns. Thank god Ron Artest provided me with the following two quotes over the next three days; otherwise I'd be legitimately bummed out by his Game 5 heroics:

"Say Queensbridge!" – to Craig Sager after the game.

"Growing up in New York, if you called someone for charging, you knew someone was getting stabbed after the game." – from a SportsCenter report on how Phil Jackson wanted his team to draw charges in the Finals.

Friday 9:00 am – 2:00 pm

We wake up early to pack and head to the beach. The Friday before Memorial Day is one of the busier traffic days of the year, so we knew ahead of time it was going to be brutal. One of my few talents is the ability to fall asleep during any car ride, which means that instead of being awake for five miserable hours, I went to sleep and woke up at the beach. One of the special features to an extended edition Lord of the Rings DVD said that Elijah Wood used to fall asleep all the time on the set. Again, I really didn't have a social life from age 11 to age 16.

Friday 3:00 pm – 8: 00 pm

I paid something like $39.99 for two slices of pizza before eight of us got a pickup football game going at the beach. I hadn't gunslinged in several months, but gunslinging is a lot like riding a bike – assuming that the bike has no brakes and maybe one tire inflated. In short, I was awful. Still a fun time though.

Mike, who was previously named Gunslinger of the Year for his decision to drive from Philadelphia to Disney World for the night, is a high roller. As the rest of us were putting our groceries away and determining bedding arrangements, Mike called some beach company and began a spirited defense of his title as Gunslinger of the Year. The conversation went as follows:

Mike: Hi, how much does it cost to rent jet skis?

[inaudible response by the other person on the phone]

Mike: Oh ok, thanks. I'll keep you posted. [hangs up]

Jetski would make a great last name for someone from eastern Europe.

Friday 8:00 pm – 9:00 pm

We went to dinner. Ocean City, Maryland is nice, but not as nice as Ocean City, New Jersey. A lot nicer than Seaside though.

Dinner was key since it was the last time I ate a vegetable until Monday at 9:30 pm. In fact, renting a beach house and living with a group of friends is both a lot of fun and incredibly disgusting. For example, my friend Nate claimed he was happy he showered on Sunday morning because it was the exact midpoint of the trip. It was his only shower over 3 days.

When you're at a beach house, a lot of little things that make life livable get taken for granted. For example, no one buys any antibacterial soap. Many people will seek to be magnanimous and state that they will buy some the next time they go on a 7/11 run, but it never happens. Meanwhile, the only groceries we bought were all pseudofoods – Ramen, hot dogs, etc. We would have been better off just pouring salt in oil and drinking it. So to recap, your hands are going to be encrusted in filth because no one buys soap and you're going to be eating nothing but material that put the "stuffs" in foodstuffs. And yet I keep coming back.

Saturday 1:00 pm – 6:00 pm

More football and lounging on the beach. My ankles and knees were killing me from running on the sand all the time. Andre Bynum recently had 70 milliliters of fluid drained from his knee, which are almost two shots of knee fluid with which Ron-Ron can chase down that Hennessy at halftime.

There was a radio blaring 808s and Heartbreak in front of a sign that said Free Magic Show. I don't know what the magician was getting at here.

Saturday 8:00 pm – 9:00 pm

Dinner at a kebab place on the boardwalk. Still no sight of a vegetable. Six or seven of Neil's high school friends came up for the night, which relegated me to the bench. Still, I did a solid job of bailing out failed jokes and staying out of the way – a good performance from a hustles/intangibles standpoint. This was me.

Saturday 11:45 pm

An extra large coffee is purchased.

Sunday 1:00 pm – 6:00 pm

I hung out with our neighbor for a bit and then headed to the beach. I think what bugs me the most about political commentators on Fox and MSNBC (no one watches CNN, whose programming now consists mainly of John King reading assorted Twitter feeds at you) is the insistence on grouping people into monolithic demographics. Nascar dads, soccer moms, the key backgammon seniors block of western Ohio.

The neighbor I met would have made a pundit's head explode. He drove a pickup truck and cursed at the Volkswagen we saw driving by our shared building. But he wasn't religious or into sports. He didn't attend college and worked as a contractor. He didn't hate the government.

Anyway, by Sunday, my diet had consisted of nothing but pseudofoods. I don't know how the hot dog eating contest is legal. The winner usually eats around 60 hot dogs, which comes out to something like 660 grams of fat. This is equivalent to nearly 30 KFC Double Down sandwiches. Identity politics are pretty awful.

I soon spent $60 on boardwalk games trying to win a Brandon Jennings jersey. No dice.

The boardwalk, as required by law, had many of those stores where you can buy t-shirts of things like Calvin wearing a Redskins jersey peeing on the Cowboys logo. Strangely, these stores were also selling tons of sweatshirts with the Monster drink logo. I don't wear energy sweatshirts though, since they make me jittery.

Monday 10:00 am

The drive home begins. Very bittersweet that the weekend was ending – most of us begin work in the days right after Memorial Day, so it was a de facto end to summer vacation.

Monday 6:00 pm

We arrive at Neil's house eight hours after leaving the house. Memorial Day traffic was a dagger, but luckily I fell asleep for most of it.

Monday 9:22 pm

I arrive at my home in New Jersey 223 miles away from Neil's house. As the announcer in N64's Star Wars Episode 1: Podracer would have said, "It's a new course record!" Have I mentioned that I had no social life between the ages of 11 and 16?

Monday 9:30 pm

I eat a vegetable.

Graduation

2010-05-18T15:15:00.001-07:00

Pollen¸ Jerry Bruckheimer, and college seniors are all known for coming up big in the middle of May. Yesterday, I attended my cousin's graduation from Rutgers University in New Jersey.

I have a passion for solid offensive line play and sound logistical planning. The Rutgers graduation committee did an excellent job organizing an efficient ceremony for several thousand students and their respective families. Parking was not only ample, but also supple and firm.

The ceremony had all the familiar trappings of a graduation. The phalanx of graduates' seats was flanked by a parenthesis of foldable plastic chairs in which sat their impeccably dressed parents.

Some, that eternally unidentifiable group of others upon whom lazy writers heap scorn, find graduation ceremonies to be excruciatingly boring events. I am not some. Specifically, I was looking forward to the speech by Eric Knecht, the President of the Rutgers Class of 2010 and the only scheduled student speaker. Public speaking isn't difficult in and of itself. But, Knecht would have to balance obligatory graduation day platitudes against the pressure of saying something interesting and memorable. His introductory speaker, a vice dean, approached the podium to give a short introduction on the class president.

Knecht's biography was remarkable. A summa cum laude graduate, Knecht has also chaired or founded several university organizations and will be teaching underprivileged children in Washington, D.C. this fall. If he were from "right here in hard-workin' northeast Ohio", he could have been part of a presidential candidate's stump speech. The parents in the audience were impressed. An awed murmur of "woahhhh" swept through the crowd with each successive fact the vice dean told the crowd. The introduction ended and the class president neared the microphone.

When the home team in basketball falls behind by, say, fifteen points and goes on a run to cut it to two, the crowd gradually crescendos. Still, they wait for the exclamation point – the three pointer that triumphantly marks the home team finally taking the lead – in order to explode into happy delirium. Sometimes, this shot misses. Twenty thousand people simultaneously groan ("ohhhhhh") and the announcer says something like "they woulda blown the ROOF off if that had fallen!"

Thanks to his glowing introduction, the class president approached the stage essentially having cut the lead to two. The crowd was firmly in his pocket. We were waiting for the exclamation point.

The exclamation point never came. It was soon clear that his speech, by his own design, could not have had one.

First, he gave the standard remarks alluding to their first days together as a class in fall 2006 and mixed in some tepid but crowd-friendly jokes about dining halls and Facebook. Pretty safe material, but Knecht's a natural speaker whose delivery was effective nonetheless. Soon, he took an enormous risk for which I must give him a lot of credit.

He talked politics. And, he did not equivocate. Knecht forcefully stated his convictions in blunt language, convictions which were soon transmitted over two enormous video boards and dozens of loudspeakers. He did not hide, and though the speech was well received and he earned a warm round of applause, I couldn't shake the feeling that many of the same parents who were "ooh"ing during his biography were made squeamish by hearing Knecht's political views on this particular stage.

I was pretty squeamish as well. I don't really care what a person's political views are, but most political statements are couched in arrogance and feigned piety. As soon as Knecht started talking about 2008, I had a feeling he would start talking about politics. Much like male nudity in a Judd Apatow movie, I knew it was coming, and I knew I was going to be uncomfortable, I just didn't know when.

Michael Jordan was once asked by a Democrat why he didn't make political statements. Jordan replied, "Republicans buy sneakers too." Knecht didn't care. He gave his speech the way he wanted to and earned a well-deserved round of applause, even if it meant forfeiting a chance at a standing ovation.

After Knecht's speech, students who had earned awards or scholarships were recognized for their achievements. Seventeen students had a perfect grade point average. Winners of department level awards, such as the Arthur C. Cope chemistry prize, stood up. My favorite was the one student who received the Geroge Washington Carver Award for Excellence in Peanuts.

Later that night, my freshly graduated cousin, his family, and my family all went to dinner. His father, my uncle, is like a cross between Rodney Dangerfield and Vito Corleone. His medical empire in central Jersey is wildly successful and he is regarded as one of the top immunologists in the state. His word is law and he has inspired loyalty bordering on devotion in those who work for him. Still, he never met a fart joke he didn't like.

Most first generation immigrants from India were taught British English as schoolchildren, which means they refer to "math class" as "maths", likely a shortened form of "mathematics". This extra "s" presumably migrated from Rutger University, which is what my uncle's friend repeatedly called the home of the Scarlet Knights.

I'm happy to be incubated in college for one more year. Good luck, class of 2010.

Late Registration

2010-05-15T17:54:00.001-07:00

Broadstreetrun.com indicated that interested runners could register for the titular race by March 31^st, though by now enough time has passed that I can't remember all the details and the site may have in fact said April 1^st. At any rate, I logged in on March 27^th, which should have given me enough of a buffer to register for the race in time.

Buffering…buffering…buffering…

When I logged in, I was greeted by a banner at the top of the page. It said that the race was full and that registration was now closed. I don't blame the organization charged with managing the race at all; the original notice probably said "…until March 31^st or until race reaches capacity" and I misread it. Plus, the race was May 2^nd, which was during the peak of finals-related stress. So, it's been a fun six weeks or so, but my failure to register on time doomed my chances for a spot in the race.

It is difficult to come up with something interesting to say every day without becoming stale or repetitive. I thought about standardizing the column by creating a few fields – say, Music Listened To, Miles Ran, Noticed – and updating them every day. But, I think it cheapens the writing when an occasionally amusing gimmick is used as a crutch, though since everything I write is based on run-on sentences and the 1994 NBA season, I don't know that there's much quality left to corrupt.

After taking roughly two weeks off from moving in order to deal with classwork, I've started running again since moving home. The past few days I've ran between four and five miles.

Lingua Pura

2010-03-27T15:44:00.001-07:00

Language can be hilarious:

I was gunslinging some conversation at an attractive woman when she said "she had to run to the ATM machine." I told her that she was being redundant, because the M in ATM already stands for "machine". Thanks to my hilarious knack for stomping all over my own game, we didn't speak after that.
At a recent barbeque, a girl told us how her globe-shaped earrings were based on the planet earth. I didn't understand she meant planet earth and not Planet Earth, because any earrings that involve 6 months of time lapse photography and Sigourney Weaver must be taken seriously.
Writers of TV shows such as Lost like to make characters read books so that they can add depth, hoping that viewers like me will go "Literature! Wow! They mean business!" For example, a recent episode had one character read Of Mice and Men, which makes sense because parts of the sixth season have been like getting shot in the back of the head by your best friend.
A few of my friends were trying to figure out – without looking it up – when Catcher in the Rye was set. One person thought it was the 1920's, another the 1980's. I blurted out "you're way off, it's set in the future!" but I said it with such pinache and perfect timing that I expected to get a solid laugh out of it. Crickets!
Pitchfork, the hipster music website, actually started a review with the following passage:
"Akira Kosemura's entrancing Polaroid Piano is my favorite ambient-inclined piano record from Japan since Radicalfashion's Odori, which it often resembles in faded miniature"

I guess they were embarrassed that someone actually thought it was a good idea to write like that, because the current version of the review deletes that line. I had to look up the cached version of the page to find the line. It was such pretentious writing that it was seared into my memory.

The comedy in language has been successfully mined by entertainers from Larry David to Randall Munroe. Munroe is best known for his comic strip XKCD, which often comments on the link between romantic angst, Fourier transformations, and Venn Diagrams.

Tony Soprano once said "'Remember that time?' is the lowest form of conversation". I thought he was being an idiot – I love to talk about old times with friends. But, I guess he meant that eventually the words get stale and you have nothing left to talk about.

I don't speak with some of my close friends from high school anymore. Not that we had a falling out or wouldn't enjoy spending time with each other now. It's just that over time, the stories atrophy. You run out of things to talk about and become trapped in a prison of "how're classes going?" conversations.

The language and structure of sports films had grown depressingly stale, but this changed in recent years. I love movies like The Replacements in which a scrappy group of misfits comes together to beat the more handsome and better funded villains. But, films like The Wrestler remind me of Raging Bull in that they are sports movies that require the viewer's focus and attention and not just an ability to fight through quicksand. I don't know how my Quest to run Broad Street is going to end. There are no square-jawed, arrogant runners taunting me, and no out of my league romantic interest for me to win. Just a lot of dirty laundry and lower back pains.

Day 15, March 16 2010: 2.5 miles

Day 16, March 17 2010: 8.0 miles

Day 17, March 18 2010: 3 miles

Day 18, March 19 2010: 2.67 miles

Day 19, March 20 2010: basketball

Day 20, March 21 2010: basketball

Day 21, March 22 2010: basketball

Day 22, March 23 2010: 2.0 miles

Day 23, March 24 2010: basketball

Day 24, March 25 2010: rest

Day 25, March 26 2010: rest

Day 26 March 27 2010: basketball

Just Do It

2010-03-15T17:46:00.001-07:00

Day 14, March 15 2010

Be like Mike. So said the famous 1992 Gatorade ad in which the smiling Bulls guard inspires little kids to achieve the same greatness he did. The funniest part of the ad is the last three seconds, when the screen fades to black and the signature phrase appears in white text on a black background. Clearly, some lazy video editor forgot that the final cut of the ad was due the next day and slapped it together as quickly as possible. I'm reminded of a classic Simpsons joke in which the Navy employs three recruiting tactics:

Lt. Smash: There are three ways to get people to join. Subliminal, liminal, and superliminal.

Lisa: Superliminal?

Lt. Smash: I'll show you. [shouts out window] Hey you! Join the Navy!

Carl and Lenny shrug and choose to enlist thanks to the superluminal efforts of Lieutenant LT Smash. Maybe I'm not as impressionable as they are, but I'm pretty close. Jordan's legendary competitiveness – and the aura of invincibility which validated him – made every kid who grew up from 1984 to 2000 want to Be Like Mike.

When I was growing up, my cousins used to whoop my ass at everything from Madden '95 to schoolwork to Madden '96. Granted, we had a limited universe, but it still sucked. If I was reading picture books, they were reading novels; when I could add, they could multiply. Jordan was the dominant cultural figure in our lives, and every time I wasn't good enough compared to my cousins made me feel pretty lame, pretty Unlike Mike.

I wanted to run ten miles today and I couldn't get past six. I hadn't eaten in several hours, but so what? Jordan had the flu! Game 5, 1997! I thought of every story I've read in which words like "pathological" and "ruthless" were used to describe Jordan's competitive streak, and how hard I used to try to emulate him when I was younger. I wonder if the mythologized version of "Michael Jordan" I've admired for so long is even real. But, I've realized that I'm also the same person who believes that an 89.5 is just as good as a 98 if they both count as As. I don't think Jordan – or, at least, "Jordan" - would agree.

Pestle and Mortar

2010-03-14T21:10:00.001-07:00

Days 10 – 13, March 11-14 2010

Food Wars premiered on the Travel Channel on Tuesday and immediately became my favorite current show on TV. The premise of the show is simple: most cities have a signature food and two iconic restaurants battle over which makes the better product (think Pat's vs. Geno's for cheesesteaks in Philly). Food Wars's charming hostess walks us through seven minute mini-documentaries on the rivals before each submits a finished dish for a blind taste test to a panel of locals who determine which makes the "true" cheesesteak, or deep dish pizza, or whatever.

I mention this because several housemates intend on hosting a barbeque and my hope is that some sort of rivalry breaks out. Neil, the current burger-making champion, may be challenged by Mak for the title. If there was a Tale of the Tape, Neil would be listed as the defending champion, 5'10'', and from the Mid-Atlantic region which is known for its fertile soil and temperate climate. Most of my knowledge of Neil is actually from my fourth grade social studies textbook. Also, he has a fondness for laxatives.

Mak is from both Bosnia and Herzegovina. Dan once described his burgers as having "a secret ingredient, but the secret ingredient is Worcestershire sauce and burning it". Mak is a heavy underdog.

Food and running are perfect inverses in terms of how enjoyable they are. Running is excruciating, but the sweaty, triumphant walk from the gym to the shower is worth the pain that the miles bring. Food, contrarily, brings instant gratification and feelings of lethargy or gluttony afterwards.

I finally got back on my grind for three miles of misery on Day 11 and three more on Day 14. These aren't good numbers. I cramped up in the second mile, which forced me to abandon my intention of running six. My hope is that the end of spring break and its indulgences will be a positive development for my training.

Sick

2010-03-12T11:38:00.001-08:00

Day 9: March 10 2010

After spending ten hours driving home from Toronto, I spent two more driving back to Jersey from Philadelphia. I had a fever.

Being home sick reminded me of all those times growing up when I couldn't make it to school. When I was young, it meant that one of my parents would stay home with me and feed me some delicious pink antibiotic. As I got older, I spent my time watching the Nick Jr. morning lineup or the same episode of SportsCenter five times in a row and then worrying about how much schoolwork I was missing.

I wonder what it's like to grow up in the South or West where the weather isn't miserable from late October to early March. People don't usually get sick during the warm weather months. Maybe those kids don't have memories of "Hi there, Face here! (trumpet sound)" or Barry Melrose breaking down a Hartford Whalers game, but maybe that's a good thing.

Today, I got home at three, watched Tuesday's phenomenal Lost episode, and spent the next eight hours napping or watching NBATV. Since there weren't any NBA games on until later, the channel spent its time discussing the NBA D-League, which is kind of like a minor league for basketball. Lot of hype for Saturday's Tulsa 66ers vs Rio Grande Valley Vipers showdown presented by Papa John's. My assumption is that Rio Grande Valley chose to represent an entire region so they could maximize their fan base, much like the New England Patriots.

Since I got a phone with a Facebook app on it, I haven't been on the actual Facebook website in a while. I logged on today to respond to one of my friend's messages. He is studying abroad in Argentina and said that he found a vending machine whose poster is an image of Grant Hill on the Pistons instead of a glossy Coke bottle splashed with ice. I wonder if this is a common phenomenon in countries with a history of hyperinflation. I hope Theo Ratliff is on Aquafina machines in Belarus.

I took TheraFlu, Claritin, and six times the recommended daily dosage of Vitamin C in an effort to heal as quickly as possible. Today is March 10 and the last time I ran was March 4^th.

Muddy York

2010-03-12T08:52:00.001-08:00

Days 4 - 8: March 5 – March 9 2010

Toronto, perhaps Buffalo's greatest suburb, is a wonderful place and I'm happy I chose to drive there with several friends for spring break. Dan, Neil, Mak and I drove in one car, and Rob and Thao drove in another. The majority of my time was spent with Dan, Neil and Mak.

Saturday 8:40 am – 1:00 pm

After my alarm goes off, I roll off of my mattress and into the shower. From what I can recall of events this early on a Saturday, I actually rolled from my bed, out my door, down the stairs, and took a shower lying down in the tub. I couldn't even shower efficiently; I used too much shampoo and too little body wash. I hadn't packed yet either, but I figure the masculine thing to do is to pack only a few shirts and underwears and travel as lightly as possible. Road trip participants should be as grimy and smelly and stubbly as possible, especially as the trip wears on, and I wanted to fulfill my character. All men have a toiletries bag that smells like aftershave and testosterone, and I was proud to call mine up for duty once more.

Dan and I had agreed that we should try to listen to as much stand-up comedy as possible on the drive to Canada, so I loaded albums from Mitch Hedberg, Aziz Ansari, Dave Chappelle, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor onto my mp3 player and headed for the door.

Dan and Mak have been friends since before high school, and I enjoyed taking a backseat as they reminisced about the old days. Mak mentioned how Dan used to let him drive Dan's father's car to school before Mak even had a permit. Dan told us how he was so tired during those early-morning commutes that when it was his turn to drive, he'd fall asleep at the wheel every chance he got. "Every red light was a chance to get some sleep."

By 11:00 am, it became clear that I was not going to be alpha male, or even beta male, on this trip. Instead, I focused on being a great role player - for example, I'd bail out jokes that fell flat by giving some solid courtesy laughs. I did not mind being the Shannon Brown of the trip, but only because both of our names sound pretty feminine. Sometimes, I wish my name ended with an "O" instead of an "A".

Saturday 1:00 pm – 2:00 pm

We enter an all-you-can-eat buffet place somewhere in upstate New York. The staff there was incredibly nice; one noticed Dan's Shane Victorino shirt and told us that she went to high school with Victorino back in Hawaii. She said that he was nice to her, but that he was a jerk for pitting two of her friends against each other so he could date both. She also said that Victorino was the only person in her high school who was allowed to play multiple sports per season because he was so good he didn't need to practice.

Mak needed a pair of nail-clippers, so we walked to a nearby drug store. There was only one main road in the entire town, yet there were somehow three (three!) tax preparation services competing against each other. I thought this was pretty funny. Small towns are lionized for their heartland values, not their accounting prowess. Also, Neil bought a package of laxatives which would provide most of the entertainment for the next six hours.

Saturday 2:00 pm – 8:00 pm

Neil eats a triple dose of laxatives as soon as we pull out of Dodge. We all try to trick Dan into eating some, but he says he doesn't want any chocolate, and that he also doesn't want any chocolates that are laced with laxatives. I guess he was on to us. Either way, within two hours he changed his mind and took twice the recommended serving. Not wanting to feel left out, Mak and I soon followed. Basically, the stand-up comedy had gotten kind of boring and we had five hours left in the car.

The dynamic among four guys on a ten hour car ride are hard to describe. For example, the following quotes become hilarious after seven hours:

Person A: [notices highway billboard for Jello museum] Look, the Jell-O Hall of Fame!

Person B: [takes Dan's grandmother's cataract-ridden eye shields which were in the car and begins making faces at other drivers]

Person C: [taunting Neil's laxative situation] You know what I could use right now? A niiiiiiiiice [expletive].

For entertainment in some third world cultures, people will defecate into a closed container and wait for fermentation to make the compound's fumes hallucinogenic. Our car ride was pretty similar to this.

One highway took us through the heart of Syracuse. I started disliking college basketball this year. I watched a Kentucky game trying to buy into the John Wall hype; maybe he'll be good in the pros, but all I saw from Wall and both teams during that game were missed layups, turnovers, and sloppy play. Besides Carmelo Anthony and Kevin Durant, I can't remember another highly touted college player over the past decade whose game was polished before a couple of NBA seasons. Anyway, Syracuse is more than a small college town. It's actually pretty urban and developed.

I fell asleep for about three hours and woke up after we had already passed Buffalo. Border crossing was less than forty-five minutes away. The laxatives were slowly beginning to liquefy our intestines. I keep mentioning the laxatives not because I like those contrived Tucker Max style "Can you top how crazzzzzzy this is?!?!?" stories, but because it actually happened.

The Canadian border patrol guard was incredibly nice to us, and as soon as we entered their country we saw a McDonald's sign advertising free coffee until March 14^th. It felt like the country was saying "Welcome to Canada. Here's your coffee."

Saturday 8:00 pm – 9:00 pm

We find some government subsidized parking for Dan's '73 Nissan right outside of the hostel. Shortly thereafter, we finally check in. I wonder if we can do especially stupid things because Canada has universal health care, but I'm not sure if foreign idiot twenty year olds are covered by their plan. Either way, I love moral hazards.

Sunday 10:00 pm – Noon

We crawl out of bed and take some of the grimiest showers in memory. I hated stepping out of the shower only to feel the dust and hair of the floor begin clinging to my wet feet. The bathroom setup on our floor was pretty stupid. The floor housed roughly 50 people. There were two women's bathrooms next to each other, and a third bathroom which was unisex. To recap: three bathrooms, two women's, one unisex. It was only $30 per night though.

Neil went to visit his relatives in the Toronto suburbs as Mak, Dan and I headed to the Air Canada Centre to catch Raptor fever. Sadly, Dan ended up catching Raptor herpes. We didn't have tickets yet, so we approached some scalpers. Canadian scalpers are hilarious. One refused to sell for anything less than $40; when we agreed but said we needed to go to an ATM for cash, he immediately apologized and offered to sell for $35. Dan and Mak joked that if we held out longer he would have thrown in some pie and maybe a belt.

Sunday Noon – 3:00 pm

The Raptors host the Sixers. I cannot overstate how much I loved the Toronto fan base and the arena they filled.

The fans nearly sold out the arena – no small feat in today's NBA – and cheered loudly throughout the contest. They even stayed until the closing seconds despite trailing by double digits to a horrible team for the entire fourth quarter. And, I won a free t-shirt.

The Air Canada Centre itself was gorgeous. The concourses are packed with bars, food stands, and games. Over two seasons in the late '90s, this franchise was home to Marcus Camby, Damon Stoudamire, Chauncey Billups, Tracy McGrady, and Vince Carter. Much like the Montreal Expos – erstwhile home of Pedro Martinez, Randy Johnson, Larry Walker, and many others – they should have been more successful.

Dan nearly disowned me for turning on the Sixers so rapidly, but that's ok.

Sunday 3:00 pm – 8:00 pm

Mak, Dan and I explored Toronto's financial district and enjoyed the weather during a long walk back to the hostel. After taking a nap, we meet up with Neil, Rob, and Thao before heading out. Also, Neil had already [expletive] five times today, thanks to the laxatives.

Monday 1:45 pm

We get breakfast at an excellent restaurant near the shopping district in Toronto.

Monday 3:00 pm – 6:00 pm

Though we are thoroughly exhausted and can barely stay awake, we dig deep and find a way to explore the biggest mall in Toronto. I grow progressively crankier and I need a nap.

Monday 6:00 pm – 8:00 pm

Knowing it's our last night in Toronto, we explore as much as possible on foot and finally make it back to the hostel. I stupidly forgot my Zyrtec in Philadelphia, which meant that my allergies were beginning to make me feel a little sick. Mak and Neil agree that they'd rather rest and be ready to drive at 8:00 am the next day than go out for a third straight night; Dan proceeds to call everyone a bunch of [expletive] and tries to guilt everyone into going out.

Tuesday 8:00 am – 1:00 pm

Dan lost the argument, but he did moon everyone in retaliation. We wake up on time, cross the border, and return to American soil. The first thing we do is go to an iconic Buffalo restaurant, Duff's, for their famous chicken wings. When Dan and I visited New York in November, we agreed we were allowed to indulge in anything on vacation – because, damnit, we were "on vacation". This same clause was invoked again as we all had bacon cheeseburgers to go with our buffalo wings. Dan even got a sandwich which was made on weck, which is a kind of bread that is dipped in salt. Imagine a sugar powdered donut, only instead it's covered in salt, and also there's a pound of roast beef in the middle. That was Dan's sandwich.

Tuesday 1:00 pm – 4:00 pm

Toughest stretch of driving. Everyone's legs and lower back are dead from the constant travel and uncomfortable beds. No one has showered due to the early start time, which only adds to the misery. The hero of the trip was my iPod, which did not run out of battery despite being nearly five years old and not being charged at any point in Toronto.

Tuesday 4:00 pm – 8:00 pm

My time to shine. I get behind the wheel for the last stretch from Scranton to Philadelphia. The ability for four guys to meld into one entity after spending too much time with each other crosses the line from cool to creepy when I make a correct left turn on some tiny street in Philadelphia to get to Mak's house without him instructing me to do so. I will never understand how I knew to turn at the correct street, but I did.

Tuesday 8:00 pm – 8:30 pm

Dan breaks every speeding law possible to get us from Northeast Philadelphia back to Penn's campus. Neil, Dan and I order dinner after a few hours at home and while Neil isn't looking, Dan spikes his drink with more laxatives and then uses his finger to stir the contents of the glass. I laugh a lot when the prank works and Neil comments on how his drink "suddenly tastes pretty minty", then shrugs and finishes it. I haven't run in six days.

Prologue

2010-03-05T21:06:00.001-08:00

Spring Break has finally arrived. I will be road tripping to Toronto to see a Raptors-Sixers game so that my goal of seeing a home game at every venue in the Atlantic Division of the NBA's Eastern Conference will be one step closer to completion. My vacation plan seems like a joke when I write it down, but I will actually be in the Air Canada Centre two days from now.

Five other people and I will be leaving tomorrow morning and returning on Tuesday, which means that the Quest to complete the Broad Street Run is going to be temporarily suspended. I will not be doing any running until Wednesday, which means my streak of three consecutive days running comes to an end.

The words "epic" and "legendary" have been co-opted by people far cooler than I for usage in their everyday speech patterns. I am not a fan of this development. Still, my hope is that the Toronto trip ends up ok.

Season Finale

2010-03-05T09:27:00.001-08:00

Day 3: March 4 2010

Prior to 2002, I had never pulled an all-nighter. Sleepovers at the time consisted of ten or so of us gathering at a kid's house, eating pizza, and playing video games. Brutally intense tournaments were built around whichever video game was chosen (usually either Smash Brothers or the EA Sports title that was in season).

This meant that for long periods at a time, two kids would be facing off against each other while eight other kids silently sat staring at the screen. My passive aggressiveness - "too bad my quarterback's accuracy rating isn't as high as yours" - was honed over many such showdowns. Tempers flared and a small amount of property was destroyed. One or two kids wouldn't take the game seriously and would spend their turn dicking around, which was considerably worse than kids like me who cared too much and acted like jerks when we lost. Apathetic kids brought into stark relief the fact that we had become emotionally invested in a meaningless pseudosport.

Finally, futile attempts to descramble the porn channel ("my brother taught me how! he swears this works!") and a discussion of women occurred before we collapsed into our sleeping bags. The host's parents usually let us sleep until about 11:00 am the next morning at which point they would wake us with bagels and orange juice. We would retire, smelly and exhausted, to our respective homes shortly thereafter.

2002 was the first sleepover I attended at which we succeeded in staying up until 7:00 am. The scene in the basement when the clock finally crossed 7:00 was very similar to how the NASA control room reacts after a daring mission succeeds in every space movie ever: muted, exhausted clapping and a series of hugs.

I have never pulled an all-nighter in college, but yesterday was pretty damn close.

A combination of strong coffee and inefficient study habits led me to fall asleep at 3:00. This is late, but not unusually late for a college student. However, my strategy on the night before tests is to study until I am no longer retaining material, then fall asleep, then set an alarm for 5:15 a.m. so I can wake up and finish cramming before the test. The strategy means I can squeeze in some sleep before a test, such as the one I had this morning at 10:30.

The test ended at noon and the adrenaline eventually wore off. By the mid-afternoon, I was cranky and needed a nap. Running today was going to be a challenge.

My plans to groggily tough it out and run a few miles today soon changed. I received an email from my intramural basketball team members indicating that we had enough people to play the game tonight. Since it was the night before spring break, a lot of kids had already flown out and left campus. Instead of forfeiting the game, we fielded a team and competed – though I'm being fairly liberal in my interpretation of the word "compete". A brief recap of our season:

Game 1: We played with the chemistry of a collection of overpaid superstars, except we all suck at basketball and no one gets paid. So, we were pretty much left with a team of crappy players who couldn't play defense or rebound. After trailing all game, we narrowed the deficit to nine with five minutes left before ultimately falling by twelve. I had six points.

Game 2: We played against a fraternity's intramural squad. All of them were built like Kevin Durant – our opponent's entire roster was seemingly over 6'1 and 150 pounds. After falling behind by twenty in the second half, I drain a couple of threes to pad my stat line and finish with twelve points.

Game 3: The nadir of my athletic career and an outcome which nearly sent me into retirement. The other team, again from a fraternity, only had four players. We lost by ten. To put this in perspective for non-basketball fans, it's similar to playing against someone at chess and losing, only they played with no queen or rooks. To put it in perspective for non-chess fans, it's like losing a basketball game to a team with FOUR !&#?!# players on it. I once wrote that my basketball ability was "a worse version of Royal Ivey". It turns out that's incredibly unfair to Royal Ivey. I think it's more accurate to compare me to those people at NBA games who get selected to make a free throw for a bunch of money, only if instead of merely airballing the shot the contestant somehow turned the ball over seven times and generally made James Naismith's family weep, and then his pants fall down for added humiliation.

Game 4: The March 4^th game was the season finale. We finally played solid help defense and hung in the game the entire time, but could not make a shot. The final score was 42 – 27.

It's hard to write about one's own basketball games without sounding like Matt Christopher. I remember plowing through dozens of his books back in elementary school (all of them had titles like Ice Magic or Nothing but Net). From what I recall, the books did not follow the Hollywood formula of "gritty underdog overcomes adversity and beats rival in final game".

So, in terms of my Broad Street Run Quest, I did not technically run any miles today, but I played a competitive basketball game so it counts as something. I have a whiteboard in my room, and I wrote "Did I run today?" on one side and "Broad Street Run in X Days" on the other and I keep updating it. I have ran for three straight days (not impressive yet) and the Run is in just under two months. I also wrote "Do Not Erase" and circled it so the custodial staff knows to keep it.

Days 1 and 2

2010-03-03T17:33:00.001-08:00

disclaimer: read the previous post first

As I mentioned in my previous post, today begins the Quest to complete the Broad Street Run in Philadelphia on May 2^nd. I have sixty days to get into shape, which so far has left me impressed by sports movie montages because right now it feels I'm filming all the material that gets edited out. If they made a movie of what's happened so far, it would literally be two hours of an exhausted, sweaty guy doing nothing interesting, but thanks to the new Oscar rules it's probably worth a Best Picture nomination.

Day 1: March 2, 2010

I initially intended on running at 6:30 a.m. this morning and getting it out of the way early. Thirteen hours later, I was finally on a treadmill.

The day started with a 6:00 a.m. reveille initiated by my phone. An individual's cell phone alarm eventually gets to be the most hated sound in that person's universe due to the unadulterated misery it brings on a daily basis. In fact, I encourage you to play the alarm tone on your cell right now and experience the combination of fear and rage that is usually reserved for early mornings. I thought it was pretty cool that the tone has the ability to elicit this emotional response at any time of day.

Tuesdays are a tough day; class from 9 until noon and work from noon until 5. The best days at the work are when the office gets breakfast catered, which means that there are huge amounts of bagels, muffins, eggs, and various other rapidly decaying foods up for grabs throughout the afternoon. I was starving around 4:30 and knew that I was going to run, so I plowed through two stale bagels and two muffins. Distance running on an empty stomach is nearly impossible and I considered it necessary.

Eventually, I was changed and ready to go to the David S. Pottruck Fitness Center. I put my earbuds in and flipped my iPod over to my Eminem collection; I've been on an Eminem kick for the last two weeks and I turned on 2002's phenomenal The Eminem Show. The walk from my house to the gym gave me the following songs: "Hailie's Song"; "Till I Collapse"; and "My Dad's Gone Crazy". I Wikipedia'd the album later on, and I learned that "Hailie's Song" samples "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" and that "Till I Collapse" samples "We Will Rock You". Too bad Relapse was awful; Em's old stuff puts all modern rap to shame.

I already ran a few times in the past week before yesterday, and so I was ready to see if I could set a personal distance record. The goal was seven miles. Unfortunately, I was at the gym during peak occupancy hours (5:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m.) and I had to wait for a treadmill. This allowed me to notice parts of gym culture to which I had never before paid any attention.

The ridiculous split between intense runners and people who are at the gym to be seen. I am neither, but it is easy for to identify members of each clan. The intense runners dress in goofy skintight clothes (like bicyclists) and wear short shorts on top of their leggings. They usually wear t-shirts they received from their respective high school running teams which have movie quotes across the back where the last name would be on a football uniform. For example, the front might say Spiro T. Agnew Regional High School and the back would say something that's kind of amusing at first, but gets progressively lamer which each subsequent reading, much like Fundamentally Soundd. The people who are at the gym to be seen arrive in leggings as well, but they don't wear baggy clothes on top in order to showcase the curves of their bodies. This is a trend which makes me alternately thankful or furious depending on the figure in question. Casual treadmill users will never select a speed greater than two miles per hour and have either a really fat chemistry textbook or the latest issue of The Economist splashed across the machine's control panel. I never understood the concept of reading while being on a treadmill. I think it's a lot like those kids who used to carry around SAT prep books with them all the time in high school, meaning that it's nothing more than a display of how Seriously they need to be taken. Sometimes they read Vogue though, so I don't know.
The energy shake stand within the gym served two purposes. First, it reminded me of Power Rangers, since I think that they all used to work in the yogurt section of a karate gym or something. Second, it was clear that some of the shakes were actually pretty bad for you. Even though the sign out front says that all of the drinks are non-fat (maybe it said low-fat, I can't remember in hindsight), I was curious and I requested the nutrition facts pamphlet. The verdict? Fat! The peanut butter based smoothies all have at least 15 grams of fat. Someone should do something about this. Or, to put it more accurately, someone else should do something about this. Penn is a place where the first milk container to be empty in the dining halls is always the one which holds skim, which suggests that most people are obsessively competitive about fitness. If I can be 15 grams of fat ahead of everyone else, it's a secret I'm willing to keep.
Do you remember when Al Gore pledged in a 2000 Presidential Debate that he would put funds in a "lockbox" in order to save Social Security, and the term became a pop culture hallmark for a year or so after that? The gym literally has a lockbox, which is a giant cardboard box filled with dozens of locks that people have lost. I asked the attendant about it, and he said that people who lose locks are too cheap to spring $6 for a new one, so they spend hours trying their combination on the entire pile of identical Master locks. He even said that in the past week, two separate people picked their lock correctly out of the huge box on the first try.

After indulging my inner Tocqueville (Travels in America? Anyone?) for fifteen minutes, a treadmill finally opened up. For the record, I am aware that Tocqueville references are also pretentious displays of how Seriously one needs to be taken, but I'll be damned if that asshat Montesquieu ever gets mentioned on this blog again. After extensive stretching, I jumped on, turned the speed up to 6.5, and began to run. Over the next 70 minutes or so that I was running, a few thoughts crossed my mind.

First, the Pottruck televisions that are displayed in front of the treadmills are unbearably cruel. The channels on the three that I could see were showing Juno, Around the Horn, and some Food Network program. The fact that I actually enjoy sports meant that I didn't want to see the first two, and the fact that I was starving and had nothing but cold spaghetti at home meant I didn't want to watch the final one. When I ran on Sunday, they Professional Bowling U.S. Open was on and it was wonderful. Not only is the sport strangely riveting, but the announcers don't waste any time describing the action or analyzing the play. Instead, they talk about how Bowler X is "such a good guy" and how Bowler Y is "staying at Bowler Z's house for the weekend – you don't get to do that unless you're a really good guy".

Second, mile five is the breaking point right now for me. I was fine through five, but the last two were pretty tough. Gotta step it up if the Broad Street Run is in my future.

Eventually, the screen flashed "7.00" and it was time to stop. I climbed off and immediately began stretching again, hoping to ward off future soreness. I'm not sure if this helps or not. From what I can gather, most of the secrets of running technique are closely guarded by witch doctors and shamans and it's therefore impossible for a layperson such as me to figure out what I'm actually supposed to do. When and what should I eat? Should I stretch? At what points? Which shoes are the best? I may never know.

It felt damn good to accomplish my goal of seven miles. I lied down on my back and swung my legs once each to my right and left to crack my back. Sweat from my hair began to drip directly into my eyes.

Day 2: March 3, 2010

Today's run was far more stressful and far less fun than yesterday's. I have a test tomorrow, so it was not easy to carve out time to go for a run. Second, I was advised that the day after a heavy run should be followed by a light run in order to help clear the legs of excess lactic acid. Again, I have no idea if this is good running technique or not, but my friend seems to be a knowledgeable source (four years of cross country in high school). Then again, this man was once involved in creating a situation in which urine was filtered through a Brita pitcher and drank – albeit by someone else – so I don't really know what to believe. Lactic acid reminds me of anaerobic respiration, which is the only type of respiration I believe in since aerobic respiration sold out and gave that bastard Krebs the naming rights to the historic Citric Acid Cycle.

Yesterday's music for the walk to the gym was provided by Eminem. Today's was Animal Collective. I am not sure how to feel about Animal Collective. On one hand, they are indisputably the most critically acclaimed band in the indie rock world. On the other hand, their work more frequently sounds like noise than music. I turned on 2009's Merriweather Post Pavillion and listened to "Summertime Clothes" and "Bluish". I like both of these songs, but I really don't get what the big deal is about these guys.

After making fun of Pottruck's vaunted lockbox, I found that I actually needed to use it. I lost my lock the day before – I was probably still riding high after the seven mile run and wasn't paying attention. In any case, I did not need to sift through the giant pile of locks since mine was the only one that was a) golden and b) not a Master lock. I learned about this study where there is a certain type of fish that hunts other types of fish, and the predators target prey that have atypical red undersides (most prey fish had silver undersides, so the red ones stuck out). In an experiment, the predator fish would not attack a dummy prey fish that was shaped exactly like the actual prey fish, but it would attack a shapeless red blob. In conclusion, fish have very short attention spans, but most of what they are thinking is pretty racist.

2.7 miles later, I was ready to call it quits. On the walk home, I started reading a Club Trillion post that I missed. I found the site thanks to a tweet by Bill Simmons, and it's phenomenal. Mark Titus is the man.

The Council of Elrond

2010-03-03T15:56:00.001-08:00

Driving along Route 22 in New Jersey is kind of like driving through a pop-up ad from a shady website. I think there's even a store named about:blank. Sadly, instead of Orbitz challenging me to sink putts for low fares, there's an endless display of garishly decorated storefronts competing for the attention of the denizens of central Jersey. One such location is The Sports Authority, which underwent a rapid image transformation since it changed its name from The Sports Authoritarian in the early '90s (they used to sell mostly tennis rackets, rigged elections, and nepotism).

When I walked inside, the first thing that hit me was the smell. As with all department stores, Sports Authority smells like shoe polish, but pointier if that makes sense. It's not so much of a smell as something you can feel, to the extent that my nose and bronchial tubes hurt for the first few breaths I took.

I decided to take up running as a hobby some time ago. My budget for new sneakers was limited to $40 and, fortunately, Sports Authority had a pair of Nikes for exactly $40. I went through the ancient ritual of shoe purchasers since time immemorial.

First, I sat down on the shoe-tying bench, opened the box, and removed the wax paper that supported the toes of the shoe. I proceeded to carefully weave the laces and slip one on, then looked at my dad and told him that they "felt good" in an attempt to expedite an agreement to purchase the shoes. Obviously, it failed. As per the ritual, my dad then insisted that I try both on and walk around a little bit. I did a half-assed job of lacing up shoe #2 and walking up and down the aisle with my eyes flitting among the angled mirrors that are affixed to the shoe-tying benches in the sneaker section. Finally, I concluded the ritual by nodding somberly and confirming my initial diagnosis: the shoes "felt good" and were fit for a purchase. The dance was complete and consensus was built.

The hidden upside to buying the shoes is that it incentivized running; after all, the only way to use my new toys was to hop onto a treadmill several times per week. My friend, who I named Gunslinger of the Year a few months ago, had far more running experience than I did and I asked him to help me shape a regimen. Gunslinging and planning do not mix and most of his advice involved Hydroxycut. I plowed ahead anyway and began hitting the campus gym regularly.

When intramural basketball season began, I ditched running in favor of doing my world-class Royal Ivey impression. Between the practices to regain what little skill I had and the games themselves, running took a backseat to basketball. When the season ended last week, I decided it was time to make a dramatic return to the treadmill and started up my routine again. As of today, there are sixty days until the Broad Street Run, a 10-mile race through Philadelphia. I am slow and most of my athletic accomplishments, in hindsight, are either exaggerations or outright lies that are complicated enough that they sound real. For example, there was the time we ran a halfback trap and I was the pulling left tackle, and it gained seven crucial yards on 2^nd and 8 while we were nursing a nine point lead in the fourth quarter of the Inter-County Police Athletic League Championship Game back in 3^rd grade. Still, sixty days to get in shape and finish the Broad Street Run is the goal.

A few quick notes before the (hopefully) daily entries begin: I have already been running or playing basketball consistently so I'm not completely out of shape. I started off barely able to finish 2.5 miles in January and have improved considerably, so this is not quite a zero-to-hero story (unlike Disney's Hercules). I run at 6.5 miles per hour – admittedly not very fast – but it's the best rate I can manage while running for distance. Finally, I began running seriously again yesterday, so today's entry will be a combination of thoughts from both today and yesterday.

With that, the Quest begins. Hopefully, the decision to write about my mission to finish the Broad Street Run tethers my dual goals of returning to Fundamentally Soundd with both barrels blazing and finishing a big race while leveraging the synergistic capabilities inherent in embarking on a new quest and concurrently minimizing negative externalities. And yes, I have an exam in Management class tomorrow.

Morgan Stan

2010-01-29T13:34:00.001-08:00

January 18, 2009

Dear Sir,

I just wanted to thank you again for taking the time to speak with me at the information session for your firm earlier today. Specifically, we spoke about some of the lesser known deals you worked on with Skam, Ruckus & Company, a boutique M&A bank. I found our talk to be fascinating. Hopefully, you remember me. I actually applied to a sophomore rotational program at your firm last summer – I was rejected. Do you know if HR holds it against future applicants? Maybe there was a delivery error or something and they never received my application.

I have attached my resume for your review. My contact information – including my cell, my pager, and my home phone – is at the bottom. Please feel free to contact me if you need any further information.

Truly yours,

[applicant]

__________________________________________________________________

January 23, 2009,

Dear Sir,

I just wanted to touch base and make sure you received my most recent correspondence. Just to reiterate, I braved the 20-degree Philadelphia winter and trudged twelve blocks to attend your company's information session. Yours is the most prestigious investment bank on Wall Street, and I am very enthusiastic about the opportunity to work at your firm.

My enthusiasm is evident in many ways. I have sought to live by your company's core beliefs as outlined on a glossy handout at the career fair: Innovate. Prudent. Leadership. I actually tattooed those words backwards onto my chest so I could see them in the mirror every morning as I part my hair.

I hope I get an interview. Do you have any advice? Are they mostly fit, technicals, or should I just track current news? Please call me back. I may be the best applicant you'll forget to choose.

Best regards,

[applicant]

P.S. I remember you mentioned you were a Celtics fan. Me too! I hate to see them lose. How do you like their chances in June?

__________________________________________________________________

January 31, 2009

Dear Mr. Big Fat Investment Bank,

This will be the last letter I ever send your ass. It's been two weeks and still no word. I don't deserve it. I know you got my last two cover letters I wrote the addresses on them perfect. So this is my "additional information" box I'm filling in. I hope you read it! I've dropped at all your divisions. No reply. I just drank a fifth of vodka – dare me to reapply?

You know that song by Phil Collins "In the Air of the Night" about that guy who was 'waiting for a moment his whole life', only that moment never came? That's how this kind of is. You could have rescued me from drowning. Now it's too late, my i-banking career died before it started.

I loved you, we should have been together. Ten info sessions and you won't even read my cover letter?! Plus, my resume was flawless, admit it. You were impressed by my role as VP of External Marketing Co-Ordination, weren't you? Well, too bad! Tables have turned. I reject you! And I hope you can't sleep about it and all your analysts leave for PE without you and the C's lose and Rasheed airs a three to seal it!!!

Your lack of professionalism in responding to my questions was appalling. You're a goddam phony leveraged sellout.

___________________________________________________________________

Feb 5 2010

To: [redacted]@wharton.upenn.edu

From: campusrecruiting@[redacted].com

Thank you for your interest in our firm. Unfortunately, due to the large number of highly qualified applicants, we are unable to continue with your application and will not be extending an invitation for a first round interview. We wish you the best of luck in all future endeavors.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

2010-01-09T11:55:00.000-08:00

Stanford is not an Ivy League school. Yet it enjoys the sterling academic reputation that comes with Ivy association. Moreover, it boasts a name recognition that dwarfs that of actual Ivy schools such as Penn or Brown.

It doesn’t take an ivory tower egghead to figure out why. Stanford competes in the Pac-10, a top-rate NCAA athletic conference. Moreover, each school has demonstrated the ability to compete – and dominate – at the highest level of collegiate athletics. Stanford’s football team recently drubbed USC’s, and its starting running back nearly won the Heisman trophy.

The Ivy football champion is barred from postseason play, and even the basketball champion is forever fated to a #13-seed and first round exit. Penn’s Franklin Field, an historic football stadium with a gorgeous view of the Philadelphia skyline, is barely filled to 25% capacity for most Saturday home games.

But can you blame the students for not showing up? Their absence, obviously, is not the fault of the athletes. They performed wonderfully and just won the conference. Rather, the idiotic rules of the conference act as a direct deterrent to student interest. An Ivy return to the top of collegiate athletics and the accompanying leap in name recognition can be achieved without sacrificing academic standards. The stubborn refusal to do so has doomed Penn and its peer institutions to toil in anonymity.

Since its 1954 inception - how many people who fawn over Ivy history know the actual League was founded a mere 65 years ago? – the League has banned postseason play for its member football teams. Ivy champions are not allowed to participate in the I-AA postseason tournament even if they would otherwise qualify due to this archaic rule.

Other I-AA football programs compete in a sixteen team tournament than runs from late November to mid-December. An undisputed national champion is crowned. This year, the national champion was Villanova, which had trouble beating Penn in the season opener this year. Penn, the eventual Ivy champion, was never given an opportunity to avenge the loss thanks to the ban on postseason play.

According to a 2006 article in the Daily Princetonian, there are two main reasons Ivy executives cite for upholding the ban. First, they claim that allowing postseason football play would disrupt the finals schedule of the athletes involved. Second, they believe the in-conference rivalries would erode since Ivy teams would focus on winning the postseason tournament.

These arguments are politely dismissed as misguided and more accurately described as moronic. The first argument, which is that student academics would be disrupted, is easily dismissed for its hypocrisy. An Ivy basketball champion could presumably be involved in an entire month of postseason play if it were to win the NCAA tournament in March. Yet extending the football season for a maximum of three weeks is “too disruptive”. The effect on basketball is just one example; obviously, since all sports except football are allowed to compete in their respective postseasons, every Ivy athlete is “disrupted” to some extent. But this is apparently ok. The arrogantly snobbish need to hew to tradition is more important than applying an equal standard across all sports.

The second argument is even more troubling, for the notion that postseason play would dilute the regular season is absurd. Look at the rivalry between Ohio State and Michigan, which is undoubtedly the sport’s most historic. When postseason play is at stake, such as in 2006 when a national title berth was on the line, the game is only augmented by the possibility of the second season. When one team wallows in mediocrity, as my beloved Wolverines have for the past several seasons, the game is still heated due to the possibility to spoil Ohio State’s postseason chances. The added aspect of a postseason keeps the games interesting.

More importantly, I’m wondering what which rivalries the Ivy executives are seeking to preserve. Sure, The Game between Harvard and Yale means something every year, but how would that change if a postseason berth was at stake? Would it not mean even more? Besides this one match-up, no other pairings generate the same level of interest. No one is currently tuning in to Providence public access television to watch Brown take on Dartmouth. But a Brown-Dartmouth game with a postseason tournament berth on the line would draw interest due to the fact that the winner could ultimately become the I-AA national champion.

As a quick aside, no one at Princeton considers Penn a rival. It’s not a rivalry if only one side cares. I’ve always considered Columbia a more natural rival – both urban schools get a Dangerfieldian level of respect despite deserving more.

Finally, there is no doubt that winning the Ivy League football title is an impressive accomplishment. But it is just as insular as winning the MAC conference. That is, nobody outside the conference particularly cares.

It wasn’t always like this. For 80 years beginning in 1869, an Ivy champion had a chance to be a national champion. Princeton won the title in 1950, the last year an Ivy team would do so.

Obviously, these facts require some context. First and foremost, the Ivy League did not exist until the 1950s. Therefore, when Princeton or Penn won the title a century ago, it was technically not the Ivy Champion though the schedules between then and now are comparable. The few schools that played football for the first few decades of the sport’s existence did not have to beat many teams in order to win the title. There was also no postseason tournament to win.

But these caveats still do not deny the fact that Ivy games once meant something more than the insular competitions they represent today. Franklin Field, the country’s first stadium, was once filled on a weekly basis because the fans knew that a significant prize was at stake. The contemporary lack of similar enthusiasm is understandable since nothing more than the league title is at stake. There are no national implications. Even the NFL can’t sell out preseason games.

The I-AA postseason tournament would partially alleviate this problem. Schools like Montana and Appalachian State have strong student support for their teams since each has annual title aspirations. There is no logical reason Franklin Field can’t draw similar crowds. But why settle for I-AA?

No one can name the last two I-AA champions. But any fan with a passing interest in college football knows that Alabama and Florida were the last two to hoist the BCS title. In order to become fully relevant again, the Ivy League must embrace I-A football.

Critics of this strategy to finally compete with the Big 12 and the Pac-10 for national allegiances and name recognition engage in a stunning display of cognitive dissonance to believe that increased athletic competition necessitates a drop in academic standards. Stanford proves the fallacy in this argument.

In 2010, U.S. News and World Report has Stanford tied with Penn at #4 of top undergraduate institutions. The U.S. news rankings are garbage, but they do play a significant role in driving the public’s perceptions of quality. Stanford’s academics are impeccable. Its selectivity is identical to Penn’s, and it has a significantly lower acceptance rate. SAT percentiles are also comparable between the two schools.

Stanford ranks higher than four Ivy schools. Again, the U.S. news rankings are so stupid that interpreting a higher ranking as a mark of higher quality is absurd. But, the rankings are certainly evidence that the Ivy schools and Stanford are comparable in quality despite the fact that Stanford’s athletic program – supposedly a source of academic decline – is significantly better than those of the Ivies. Plus, you’ve never seen a shirt that says “Not Stanford State”.

Stanford proved that an elite academic institution can still have a I-A football team. No reason schools like Cornell and Columbia cannot follow suit.

The greatest benefit from making the leap to competitive football does not come from excellence on the playing field. It comes from not being confused with Penn State ever again.

The Ivy League, as a brand, is most closely associated with Harvard, Princeton, and Yale. College application message boards on the internet regularly abbreviate the triumvirate as “HYP”, a set of initials with enough gravitas make any overachieving high schooler swoon. College application message boards, by the way, are a wonderful source of idiotic teen angst:

“PLZ HELP: Trying to decide between Yale and Harvard for early app. Does anyone know which is better?!?!?!”

“Re: Yea, H is better internationally but Y is better domestically and has better networking opps. Depends what you wanna do later on.”

The palpable obsession with status is embarrassing to read. I remember overhearing conversations in high school about relative prestige between schools – with the U.S. News rankings as the sole arbiter of the truth.

“Hmm…Georgetown? It’s pretty good, but it’s only #23, its not as good as Emory since its #17.”

Regardless, the point is that when you hear Penn or Cornell officials extol the virtues of an “Ivy League education”, they usually don’t realize that the connotation of quality comes solely from the vaunted HYP. Why? Because no one has ever heard of the other schools. In fact, “Ivy League”, linguistically, carries the connotation of “elite” and “intelligent” much like the way “Big 10” carries the connotation of “unathletic” and “Basketball Score: 43-37, Wisconsin”.

The simplest way to fix this is to embrace I-A college football. The non-HYP Ivy schools would see the biggest benefit. Though each has a strong reputation within elite circles, each remains anonymous to most of the country.

According to Forbes, Notre Dame’s football program brings in over $50 million annually in profits for the academic institution. Notre Dame has sucked for most of the last fifteen years. But, the national following it has means no one ever confuses it with the South Bend Technical Institute.

Think of it the differences between Syracuse and SUNY Purchase or Gonzaga and Fordham. Each pairing is between schools with comparable academics, yet only two of them are nationally known. Columbia, Penn, Cornell, Brown and Dartmouth can finally escape from under the HYP shadow.

Obviously, I’m being selfish. Penn is a wonderful school that nobody has heard of and I want to see this sad fact changed. Plus, besides NSO, Halloween, and one weekend in April, there are very few moments on campus where the atmosphere is anything approaching a typical Saturday at a football powerhouse. I want to see 50,000 in Franklin Field on Saturdays, with festivities starting at 10:00 am. I want to see Brown or Dartmouth Football t-shirts across the Midwest. I want to see Fowler, Herbstreit, and Corso cover a Columbia-Cornell game with title implications. I want to see the next Toby Gerhardt anchoring the backfield in New Haven, and I want Boise State to bitch about the fact that it can’t jump Penn in the BCS standings. Ms. Harris, tear down this wall!

The Year in Gunslinging

2009-12-30T09:48:00.001-08:00

In December 1999, most of the world was excited and ready to celebrate the end of one millennium and the dawn of another. This, of course, was mathematically inaccurate as December 31, 2000 was actually the last day of the millennium as there was no year zero. In my case, my strict fundamentalist gunslinger beliefs meant that I celebrated the new millennium in early 1993.

As the year and the decade come to a close, a remarkable number of "Best of" features have undoubtedly flooded your consciousness. But how many have devoted themselves to gunslinging? I Wikipedia'd every month from the past year. A look back at the finest moments in gunslinging in 2009.

January 1, 2009: A nightclub fire erupts on a Bangkok dance floor, injuring more than 200 and leading to an unbelievably cruel Sean Kingston song that coincidentally makes for a killer ringtone.

January 4, 2009: Chad Pennington cannot game manage the Miami Dolphins past the Baltimore Ravens in the first round of the playoffs. It is incredibly difficult to win games when your goal is to go 9-23 with 110 yards with 1 touchdown.

January 7, 2009: Satyam Computer Services, the Indian technology behemoth, is brought down by a massive fraud perpetrated by its chairman Ramalinga Raju. Still, Raju deserves kudos for being a gunslinger. Listen, if there's only two minutes left in a game and you need one chairman to exceed quarterly revenue expectations, you go with Brett Favre. But, if he's busy, you'd have to give the nod to Ramalina Raju.

January 9, 2009: Microsoft releases the beta version of Windows 7. It was my idea. January 9^th was also the release date for Gran Torino, which had a climactic scene that included one of the finest displays of play-action gunslinging of all time.

January 10, 2009: Jake Delhomme throws 5 interceptions in a home playoff loss to the upstart Arizona Cardinals. Analysts continue to insist that Jake can "be an elite quarterback in this league." I'd delete everything after the word "be", leading to the name of a great bluegrass band and fantastically existential statement, Jake Be.

January 15, 2009: Chip Sullenberger lands a plane in the Hudson, a feat that took remarkable poise, skill, and courage. Sullenberger's accomplishment, sadly, only left him at #4 in the GCS since Texas was rated higher in a preseason poll based on last year's gunslinging.

January 17, 2009: Lady Gaga's breakthrough song "Just Dance" reaches No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 to become the top song in the country. Gaga is so successful that someone named Colby O'Donis briefly enters the public consciousness just by being associated with her. Is it true that I, a red-blooded American male and staunch disciple of Bruce F. Springsteen tried to get tickets to a Lady Gaga show near Philadelphia two weeks ago? I can't remember but it's all right a-all right.

January 27, 2009: Lil Wayne, inarguably the biggest name in contemporary rap, releases "Prom Queen", the first single from his rock-themed album Rebirth. As Rolling Stone put it, the rock endeavor is nearly the equivalent of Michael Jordan choosing to play baseball for two years.

January 30, 2009: The Dow Jones Industrial Average closes at roughly 8000, down 1000 for the month and down over 6000 from its all-time peak in October 2007.

February 1, 2009: The height of the first on campus recruiting session after the financial meltdown. Though only a sophomore at the time – juniors are the main group that firms target - I decide that times were dire enough that it was time for my resume to embrace truthiness (I called Ramalinga Raju for his advice since, as predicted, Favre was busy). I added in my summer spent at Gunslinger Capital Management and my charitable work with the non-profit group Borders without Borders, which seeks to spread retail bookstores to the developing world. My GPA was suddenly a perfect 158.3 on a 4.0 scale, which may have raised some red flags.

Super Bowl XLIII was also played on this date. Not a ton of gunslinging until the very end, when Ben Roethlisberger found a way to avoid three Cardinal defenders and proper offseason conditioning to simultaneously win the Super Bowl and gain 25 pounds. Naked photos of the game's MVP, Santonio Holmes, surfaced on the internet in the days following the game. Bruce Springsteen performs brilliantly at halftime and slams into the camera. I was personally hoping that Bruce would refuse to play his stadium anthems and instead play a 12 minute rendition of "Reno" off of Devils and Dust.

February 3, 2009: Republican Senator Judd Gregg nominatedd forr cabinett positionn.

February 5, 2009: The infamous Michael Phelps photo ultimately leads to his suspension by USA Swimming. It's not possible to go from being the most admired athlete in America to a borderline pariah in less than six months without having a little bit of gunslinger in your DNA, and perhaps some THC in your fatty tissue.

February 7, 2009: Jennifer Frigge becomes the first woman to swim across the Atlantic Ocean. Jennifer So Friggen' Good becomes a Chris Berman favorite, as Tom Jackson adds "knock it down!".

February 8, 2009: 51^st Grammy awards take place take place in the Staples Center in Los Angeles, forcing the Clippers to play their home game in the parking lot of Went Englewood High School (the gymnasium was being used for Senior Appreciation Night – thank you class of 2009, you guys are the future!). Weezy F. Baby walks off with four trophies, and Springsteen takes home one for "Girls in Their Summer Clothes".

February 9, 2009: The mythical birthplace of Zeus in Greece is allegedly found by some gunslinging archeologists. Lou Dobbs remains unimpressed and insists Zeus is not a real Greek god until Dobbs is allowed to fondle his birth certificate.

February 11, 2009: Iridium Satellite LLC's space vessel collides in outer space with another one, destroying both. Due to an unfortunate and elaborate system of alliances, conflict erupts between Lanthanides and Actinides.

February 17, 2009: General Motors and Chrysler inform the United States government that they will need an additional $22 billion in funds. The fabled restructuring specialists hope that a new foray into building cars will put them on the path to prosperity.

February 18, 2009: South Korea snitches on North Korea.

February 22, 2009: The 81^st Academy Awards are held at the Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles. Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Picture despite a fairly mediocre second half. The Academy refuses to nominate The Dark Knight for anything important, continuing their impressive streak of not rewarding excellence in film to 81 consecutive years. On this same date, I decided to sling my way into living at my current off campus house…hey, you can't win them all. It is what it is.

February 23, 2009: The Dow Jones Industrial Average falls to its lowest level since 1997, wiping out 12 years of growth and presumably dozens of Dallas playoff wins since then.

February 23rd also saw the Philadelphia 76ers visit the New Jersey Nets. My friend Dan is a passionate Sixers fan and I went to his house to watch the game. Since our college's cable package at the time was not supplied by Comcast, we were unable to watch the game on TV and were forced instead to watch a Chinese-pirated stream of the game over the internet (made possible by the fact that Yi Jianlian is a fan favorite over there). This means that there was roughly a one minute lag between the time something actually happened in the game and the time we were able to watch it over the pirated stream. Anyway, we were watching the game and saw that the Sixers went up by one point with very little time remaining and the Nets had to inbound the ball from their own end. Remember, by this point, the actual game was already over but the rebroadcast had yet to show us the final play. My other friend back in Jersey was able to watch the game live and sent me a text saying something like "NETS!!!!!!!". I showed Dan the text and he was as confused as I was. Moments later, the Chinese rebroadcast finally showed us what happened. Amazing.

February 25, 2009: Turkish Airlines Flight 1951 crashes at Schiphol Airport. Airline officials ungratefully leave the futon in bed position before leaving.

February 26, 2009: More archeological gunslinging as the earliest footprints of anatomically correct humans are found at Kenyan dig site. How they were able to tell the humans were anatomically correct based on footprints is beyond me, but archeologists are a strange folk and I'll take their word for it.

February 27, 2009: China's Navy thwarts Somalian pirates in the Gulf of Aden and goes on to beat China's Notre Dame for the second time in three years. In a pique of diplomatic gunslinging, China's State Council criticizes the United States' human rights record.

February 28, 2009: "Pokerface" reaches Billboard Top 10 just as "Just Dance" falls off. You gotta hand it to her.

February 29, 2009: Calendar enthusiasts worldwide observe one-fourth of a day.

March 1, 2009: The Basque Nationalist Party wins a plurality of seats in their eponymous country's parliamentary elections. And by the way, if you haven't had the lobster basque, it's fantastic.

March 2, 2009: Consumer spending, which makes up a whopping 70% of the American GDP, rises after six successive monthly declines. Can't deny it takes a gunslinger to spend in the face of economic apocalypse.

March 6, 2009: The 6 Somali pirates transferred to Kenya by the European Union. The pirates are forced to forfeit a year of eligibility while fatcat coaches forfeit nothing. I can't wait for Pirates of the Caribbean IV: Rise of Admiral Redshirt. "Arrrr, you thought ye had me Jack? I have one more year of eligibility! I played semi-pro baseball for 5 years! Mwuahhahahah!"

The Watchmen is finally released, much to the delight of graphic novel aficionados everywhere. Or, so I'm told – I spent the weekend watching the adorable Felicity Huffman in Phoebe in Wonderland. Besides the amazing introductory title sequence, the rest of the movie was kind of weak.

March 9, 2009: The Dow reaches closes at 6547, its lowest close since April 1997. But hey, don't be silly!

March 10, 2009: The United States Senate passes an omnibus $410 billion spending bill, leading many analysts to wonder what we're going to do with so many omnibuses.

March 13, 2009: Japan announces it will intercept North Korea's satellite if they seek to launch one; Korean Aerospace executive Jong Il-Cutler vows to "cut down on future mistakes" and "establish a winning atmosphere around here".

March 17, 2009: Last day for frugal MLB owners to cut someone and pay only 30 days salary instead of 45 days salary. This is coincidentally also the last day of the season that the Royals are competitive (only 10 ½ out!).

March 19, 2009: A bomb severely damages a building in Athens, Greece and a whoopee cushion hilariously damages a municipal building in nearby Crete.

March 21, 2009: 100,000 protesters in Sicily gather to voice their opposition to the mafia. In Sicily, the women are more dangerous than shotguns. Besides, this is a completely legitimate protest…these protesters fell off the back of a civil disobedience truck.

March 23, 2009: Tim "The Sling" Geithner announces an unprecedented plan for the Treasury Department to purchase high-yield debt from banks in the hopes that the combination of a cash infusion and relief of toxic assets will spur bank lending. Tim spends the rest of the day getting into comical predicaments as Paul Volcker gives him advice with his face obscured by a fence. Hohohogrunthohohohogrunthohoho.

March 28, 2009: Villanova wins its regional final in order to earn a berth in the Final Four. I met Jay Wright once at a basketball camp roughly seven years ago; he's a really nice guy.

March 31, 2009: The Taliban's Students Movement claims responsibility for an attack, though most of those chumps are just doing it to get into college anyway.

April 1, 2009: Gunslingers everywhere decide to just play it safe. Also, Albania and Croatia join NATO's new Southeastern Conference with the Nashville Predators and Atlanta Thrashers.

April 2, 2009: Bangladesh's government outlaws begging in order to get rid of it by 2014. "Hunger" and "afternoon sluggishness" next on government crackdown watchlist.

April 5, 2009: The Communist Party wins an absolute majority in Moldova, capping an otherwise weak reunion tour. In other political developments, Macedonia has the second round of its presidential election, causing millions of American office employees to lose productivity as they head over to cbs.sportsline.com for live, streaming updates. I can't believe Ivanov won! I had Tulsa.

April 11, 2009: Anti-government protests cancel the Fourth East Asia Summit in Pattaya, Thailand, but it's actually a good thing because East Asia Sumit III: The Resumitting sucked anyway. "Poker Face" reaches number one on the Billboard Hot 100.

April 15, 2009: Tea Parties erupt across the United States, immediately followed by Honey Parties and Lemon Parties, though the latter is noted only for its unwavering support of old, naked men.

April 18, 2009: The Netherlands' Korps Commandotroepen rescue 20 Yemeni hostages from Somali pirates in the Gulf of Aden. Despite their illustrious history and community ties, the Korps proceeds with plans to rescue 5 hostages a year in Toronto. In a related development, I am stunned to find yet another entry in Wikipedia's month-by-month year recap devoted to Somali pirates.

April 19, 2009: I'm goin' down to lucky town, downnnnn to lucky townnnnnnn…

April 20, 2009: Oracle purchases Sun Microsystems for $7.4 billion.

April 20^th also marks the data when China's government discovered 2390 more miles of the Great Wall of China, but I suspect they stole it because I just lost 2390 miles of Great Wall last week. Come on China, you used to be cool.

April 21, 2009: The smallest confirmed extrasolar planet, Gilese 581, is discovered.

April 25, 2009: Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis slings and selects Darrius Heyward-Bey with the seventh overall pick in the draft. Al Davis has a ton of upside, but character issues have plagued him in recent years and we'll have to see if he can put it all together and become something. Must Improve: Senility.

April 28, 2009: Across campus and throughout Philadelphia, fraternities celebrate the end of classes with their respective "Semi Formal" events. I almost went to a Semi Formal once, but it was actually a Business Casual, and it ended up being a bunch of dudes just milling around wondering whether or not they were overdressed.

April 29, 2009: I flaunt the conventions of reading days and attend my first ever Bruce Springsteen concert. No, they're not booing, they're chanting Deuuuuuuuuuuce in loving remembrance of the above-average erstwhile Eagles running back.

April 30, 2009: The upstart Chicago Bulls defeat the Boston Celtics 128-127 in a thrilling triple overtime game in their first round playoff series. Sadly, neither team won the series as Steve Javie turned in a dominant performance in Game 7 to claim the victory for himself.

May 1, 2009: My history of terrible gift giving continues with a thoroughly mediocre birthday present for my sister. The list of words you do not want to hear as reactions to your gift: functional, pragmatic, bipartisan, spread-covering.

May 2, 2009: The Pacific Islands Forum indefinitely suspends Fiji for charging into the stands during a brawl, totally derailing a loaded Oceania's hopes for a title. When Eurasia won the title, it was doubleplusungood news for everybody involved.

May 4, 2009: The Lakers lose game one of their series to the scrappy Houston Rockets, led by a footslinging Yao Ming. The loss raises the real possibility that the huge favorites might lose the series. The NBA responds by expanding the series to best of thirteen, and repeatedly ejecting Shane Battier for playing unnecessarily good defense and having inexplicable vertical lines on his head.

May 7, 2009: An American man is arrested in Burma for trespassing on National League for Democracy General Secretary Aung San Suu Kyi's property. What happened to you National League for Democracy, you used to be cool.

May 8, 2009: JJ Abrams brings Star Trek to the big screen to rave reviews despite a Lost-esque convoluted plot involving time travel.

May 9, 2009: A lazy Saturday with nearly three full days before my last final exam means that anything is possible. "Anything" turns into watching an entire season (over twenty episodes) of Arrested Development, while eating a full pizza, two cheesesteaks, and a bowl of ice cream.

May 12, 2009: Despite having a final exam at 3:00 pm, I heroically choose to play football for the last time of the semester from 1:30 to 2:45.

May 13, 2009: The Cannes Film Festival breaks precedent and allows an animated film, Pixar's Up, to open up the festivities. Madagascar 8: Seven 8 Nine does not make the cut. Also, Lost airs its fifth season finale, which in the finest tradition of the show provides more question marks (and ampersands, number signs, and exclamation points) than answers. What the #&?!# happened??!?!

May 14, 2009: The South Korean naval vessel Mummu the Great captures 17 Somali Pirates.

May 22, 2009: LeBron James hits this shot to defeat the Orlando Magic in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals. James followed up his amazing shot by incredulously begging the officials for a foul call.

June 1, 2009: I spend my first night in my current house in Philadelphia.

June 3, 2009: As the NBA playoffs enter their fifth (and decisive!) month, I have only one memory: Oh baby youuuuuuu, you got what I neeeeeed. But you say he's just a friend, when you say he's just a friend….

June 5, 2009: Will Ferrell's Land of the Lost makes its debut in theaters. Two weeks later, Michael Cera's Year One is released. I wish the two would team up for a buddy comedy called Typecast in which a zany, hairy foul-mouthed character teams up with a comically shy, angst-ridden teenager and they battle over whose radio station to listen to in the car and whether or not they understand the words coming out of their respective mouths.

June 6, 2009: Eminem releases Relapse, his first album in five years.

June 7, 2009: Courtney Lee misses an alleyoop at the buzzer, ultimately leading to an Orlando loss and a 2-0 championship round deficit from which the Magic could never recover. This shot also prompted me to look up players who wear a face mask. Note how Bill Laimbeer looks just like David Puddy. Gotta support the team.

June 8, 2009: Apple debuts the 3GS version of its iPhone.

June 9, 2009: William Jefferson, a Louisiana congressman, goes on trial for bribery and racketeering. Jefferson was actually found with $100,000 in his freezer. So stupid…everyone knows you keep your bribe money in the crisper. That's what it's there for!

June 14, 2009: Comedian Kobe Bryant perfects his Michael Jordan impression. "Ever notice how he pumps his fist, and then counts how many rings he has on his fingers? What's the deal….with THAT?!"

June 24, 2009: The worst movie of all time, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, pollutes screens across the country. Michael Bay's insistence that the film is actually a careful study on race relations in
America is ultimately proven false.

June 27, 2009: "Boom Boom Pow" by the Black Eyed Peas continues its month-long reign atop the national radio charts.

July 1, 2009: Public Enemies, a film starring Johnny Depp and Christian Bale, finally comes out. I had planned on seeing it until a friend of mine ruined the ending, claiming he couldn't be held accountable because the ending was already widespread public knowledge since it was published in a 1960s beatnik poetry anthology he read. This actually happened. This is now the number one moment of a friend ruining the ending to something for me, narrowly edging out the time in 2000 when I was watching The Sixth Sense and halfway through the movie my friend revealed that M. Night Shyamalan would have a disappointing career.

July 4, 2009: 233rd anniversary of gunslinging, baby.

July 10, 2009: General Motors emerges from bankruptcy protection with some semblance of hope for the future.

July 13, 2009: Confirmation hearings for Sonia Sotomayor begin. Republican Senator Lindsey Graham engages in some bipartisan gunslinging as he chooses to vote in favor of Sotomayor.

July 14, 2009: Judy Chu becomes the first Chinese American woman elected to the House of Representatives.

July 17, 2009: 500 Days of Summer hits theaters. The lead actor looks just like Tony Romo, probably another reason I liked the movie so much.

July 18, 2009: I finally get around to seeing Harry Potter VI. It was enjoyable but not as good as the fifth one. I've read that the producers are going to split Harry Potter VII into two parts in order to better explore the depth of the book. I find this questionable. Literally nothing happens for the first 300 pages of Harry Potter VII; there's a gas shortage and a Flock of Seagulls. That's it. If they are going to squeeze two movies out of one book, maybe the first half can be devoted to exploring the wizard economy – it seems as if there is only one street on which all commerce takes place and 90% of the population works for the government. Plus, if Peter Jackson could condense The Return of the King into one book, I don't see why David Yates needs two movies to finish up the series.

July 19, 2009: As Wikipedia's entry for July 2009 puts it, "Giant jellyfish
wreak
havoc around the Sea of Japan." The havoc reaches a fever pitch when the jellyfish force the Japanese to speak poorly dubbed English while scurrying around frantically.

July 20, 2009: India and the United States sign a defense agreement, which is good since defense wins championships (except the '99 Rams).

July 22, 2009: Astronomy enthusiasts everywhere witness the longest solar eclipse of the 21^st century over parts of Asia and the Pacific Ocean. When asked to describe the phenomenon, they insist they "didn't see nothing", confirming anecdotal evidence that states astronomers never snitch.

August 1, 2009: A housemate of mine completes eight weeks living in and working for a lab in Spain. It takes a ton of intestinal fortitude to pack up and leave to a foreign country for an entire summer, but this is only the second biggest sling that this man did this year (more later).

August 9, 2009: Terrell Owens makes his debut as a Buffalo Bill against the Tennessee Titans in the NFL preseason. The game is noteworthy mainly because Jeff Fisher comes up with a brilliant fake punt.

August 10, 2009: Murphy's Razor, the simplest explanation of which is that what can go wrong while shaving will go wrong, is discovered by my face.

August 12, 2009: Scientists discover that killer whales create 'social clubs'.

August 14, 2009: District 9, made by a protégé of Peter Jackson, opens at number one in the country. The Goods, starring Jeremy Piven as Ari Gold with a moustache, is also released.

August 21, 2009: Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds, a hilarious homage to campy World War II-era typos, is released.

August 29, 2009: Black Eyed Peas' record setting run continues as "I Gotta Feeling" closes out the summer on top of the nation's radio charts.

August 31, 2009: Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" becomes the single with the longest overall time on the Billboard charts, with 71 consecutive weeks. "Knew I would love you like a fat kid love food..."

September 1, 2009: Ireland bans samurai swords in order to curb a growing crime problem. Again, all of the facts that I cite are from the Wikipedia entries for what happened in that month. I am not making this up. The creepier part of the Wikipedia month summaries is that the summaries for each month from 2010 are already uploaded.

September 2, 2009: Michael Jackson passes away.

September 3, 2009: Fresh protests are recorded in the province of Xinhuang, China; protesters are given 25% off if they present a fresh protest membership card.

September 7, 2009: Kraft Foods announces a planned takeover of Cadbury for $16.7 billion.

September 9, 2009: An absurdly late Labor Day forces the first day of classes to come in the middle of the second week in September. This is also "Beatles Day" worldwide with remastered editions of all of the iconic British band's albums released as well as the launch of Beatles Rock Band. I don't think that there is a more overrated entity than the Beatles.

September 12, 2009: Ten Warhol paintings are stolen from a museum. I wonder if I'm the only person who looks around in a museum, wondering if I could get away with swiping some art. I doubt I could, mainly because the paintings are really unwieldy and the frames seem pretty heavy. I'd probably need a crew of fellow art thieves, but then the whole thing is liable to get bogged down in bureaucracy.

September 13, 2009: Kanye West classily slings his way onstage just to let Taylor Swift know that he respects her and he will let her finish.

September 15, 2009: The Red-Green Coalition of Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg is elected for another term in Norway despite losing the key color blind bloc.

September 19, 2009: France's government holds emergency talks with farmers amid falling dairy prices.

September 20, 2009: 30 Rock and Mad Men dominate the Emmys. I stupidly state that 30 Rock is one of my 5 favorite sitcoms of all time – with the list at that point being Seinfeld, Cheers, The Office (British), The Office (American), and 30 Rock. The new season has been fairly weak, which simultaneously makes me look myopic and hyperbolic and makes me eligible for an analyst gig with ESPN. "Let me tell you guys something right here….I don't care WHAT the numbers say, According to Jim is the most exciting show on television!"

September 27, 2009: Brett Favre…the greatest gunslinger of all time.

October 1, 2009: Citing low ratings, the Netherlands Antiles agrees to dissolve.

October 2, 2009: I discover and start watching Top Gear clips on YouTube, and soon after download the series and begin watching full episodes. To echo the sentiment of a critic whose name I cannot remember, the show combines dry British humor with footage of expensive supercars being pushed to their limits. One quote: "Driving this car is like sitting in a bucket of warm paste reading a Jane Austen novel…"

October 3, 2009: I travel to Jersey to watch Bruce and the Legendary E Street Band close down Giants Stadium. Bruce plays Born in the USA in its entirety, but he proves he's not a true fan since he skips over "My Hometown". Even more incredibly, Bruce has been drawing huge crowds since 1975. Is there anyone from today's musical landscape that I will be travelling an hour and paying $100 to see 34 years from now? Obviously not.

But, if I had to guess three mainstream artists that have an outside chance at being popular in 2043, I'd guess 1) Beyonce 2) Taylor Swift and 3) Alicia Keys. All three make music that is dependent more on vocals and talent than "danceability". Plus, each has a devoted fan base right now and all three are relatively young. That being said, I don't see any of them selling out Giants Stadium in thirty years.

Sadly, none of the mainstream male artists I listen to now have a chance at being huge three decades from now.

October 4, 2009: One week after his game-winning heroics, Brett Favre plays a nearly flawless game and destroys the Green Bay Packers on Monday Night Football.

October 7, 2009: The 2009 Nobel Prize in Chemistry goes to three men for their studies on the structure and function of the ribosome. Cell biology in high school was all about reducing complex organelles into simple metaphors. For example, the mitochondrion is the engine of the cell, the ribosome is the protein factory, the lysosome is a possession receiver.

October 9, 2009: Couples Retreat, starring Vince Vaughn, is released. If you watch the trailer there is some guy who looks just like Shane Victorino who apparently has a minor role in the movie. My friend and I once got into a heated debate over whether Vince Vaughn has gained a lot of weight for the roles he plays or if he's just gotten fat over the years. I maintain that he has just gotten chubby; this isn't De Niro in Raging Bull, it's Vince Vaughn doing dopey comedies. Gaining weight doesn't add anything to the experience or heighten the realism. I also once debated whether or not Kevin James was wearing a fat suit in the underrated Paul Blart: Mall Cop, with my dad being convinced that he was.

October 14, 2009: The Dow closes above 10,000 points for the first time in more than a year. Tim Berners-Lee apologizes for making // part of URLs, saying "it seemed like a good idea". Not a gunslinger move.

October 17, 2009: "Down", "Party in the USA", "Run this Town", and "Whatcha Say" team up to finally dethrone "I Gotta Feeling" atop the Billboard Hot 100. I can't stand that song, but its success is undeniably impressive.

October 19, 2009: Penn gave us one day for fall break this year.

November 1, 2009: Republican Dede Scozzafava withdraws her name from an election, dropping out to endorse the Democrat in the race.

November 4, 2009: The New York Yankees claim world championship number 27*. Michael Bloomberg also wins a third term for mayor after rewriting city laws to enable him to run for a third term.

November 7, 2009: "Fireflies", by Owl City, becomes the most popular song in the country.

November 13, 2009: 2012 is released in theaters. More importantly, the best movie of the year, Fantastic Mr. Fox, comes out. I used to think Wes Anderson was nothing more than a hipster doofus and that George Clooney was too smug to be likable, but I was completely wrong. Mr. Fox is not only the best movie of 2009, its one of the funniest movies I've ever seen.

November 18, 2009 Senator Robert Byrd becomes the longest serving member in the history of the United States Congress. Cal Ripken Jr. wasn't even that good for the last decade of his career; from 1991 to 2001, he hit better than .280 only twice. I don't know how Byrd's been doing in the Senate, but Ripken was definitely overrated for a while.

November 22, 2009: The Senate votes to allow debate on the health reform bill…with the debate scheduled for November 30^th. Apparently agreeing to talk about the bill was too tiring and everyone needed a week off.

November 25, 2009: Ninja Assassin is released, marking Tracy Jordan's first big screen adventure since Samurai I Amurai.

December 2, 2009: Tom Morello joins Bruce Springsteen at the 25^th Anniversary Concert of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, leading to a killer performance of The Ghost of Tom Joad. Morello's karaoke vocals can't compare to Springsteen's heartfelt performance, but the Nightwatchman had a demonic solo that overshadowed everything else.

December 4, 2009: The New Jersey Nets win their first game of the season, after losing their first 18.

December 6, 2009: Bruce Gradkowski slings the Radiers past the Steelers, crippling the defending champions' hopes for a playoff run. Flamengo wins its sixth Brazilian soccer league title, despite the best efforts of the Magic Rat and Barefoot Girl.

December 14, 2009: Researchers discover a type of octopus that uses tools.

December 18, 2009: Avatar, which took James Cameron 15 years and $300 million to complete, is finally released. I can't believe it took this guy 15 years to come up with this piece of garbage. The only way that this movie represented 15 years of work is if he has the worst time management skills of all time. At least if it was constructive procrastination – a phenomenon which involves putting off studying in favor of menial labor like washing dishes or cutting your nails – he'd have something to show for it. The visual effects were pretty cool, but I said the same thing about The Day After Tomorrow and The Matrix Revolutions, which means that no one is going to remember this movie in five years. Plus, all the characters were one dimensional and all the dialogue sucked.

December 29, 2009: Several family friends come over our house and we decide to rent a movie from FiOS On Demand. I was the lone voice speaking out against Night at the Museum 2, and since it was ultimately selected, I must say that I was absolutely wrong. The movie is hilarious and very well done.

December 31, 2009: Fundamentally Soundd shakes off a terrible November with a huge December.

The year in gunslinging was certainly a fun one. Five gunslinging predictions for 2010 before I name the top gunslinging moment of 2009:

5. Two words: Keanu Reeves. I see a massive comeback year for the Hawaiian even though IMDB says he only has one movie in production. Why does IMDB list Keanu as appearing in one episode of "Bollywood Hero" in 2009? And why haven't I seen "Bollywood Hero"?

4. The mice will return…with a vengeance. I haven't seen a mouse in Philadelphia in over two months, thanks to the fact that I gave up eating and I now sleep at 7. I think the combination of cold weather and an empty house for a month (over Christmas break) will bring them back in full force.

3. The media will turn on Brett Favre (remember, these predictions are labeled "gunslinging" for a reason). I see Favre throwing some disastrous interceptions against Philadelphia in mid-January, single-handedly ending his team's season for the third year in a row.

2. My intramural basketball team will win one game. In my career in intramural athletics, my football teams have gone something like 0-10 with 7 mercy rule losses, and my basketball team was once down by 40 in a game with 16 minute halves and a running clock. But this year, I'm a wily veteran and I'm hungry for that first W. Plus, I can update my Twitter after a win with something like "NE1 C DAT WIN!!??!?!" or "WUTS POPPIN NJ JUST GOT DAT W". My favorite athlete tweets are definitely film reviews, which usually boil down to a subdued, lower case "dis movie ite. Ne1 no another 2 watch?"

1. LeBron James will join Dwayne Wade in New Jersey after the Lakers win another title.

And finally, the number one gunslinging moment of the past 365 days:

My friend, we'll call him Sergei to protect his identity, is known for being a gunslinger.

For example, freshman year he swerved across four lanes on I-95 while driving 100 mph in order to avoid missing an exit ramp. He also bought a $1500 HDTV (with his own, saved money) on a whim in September 2008. Recently, Sergei shed twenty pounds and ran a half marathon because he "felt like it." Most confusingly, he has seen every episode of CSI: Miami.

Sergei is committed to becoming a doctor one day and takes his classes very seriously. As you can imagine, this means that the period during finals when he should be studying for his tests in higher level biology and physics would indeed be spent burning the midnight oil.

Instead, he chose to pick up his girlfriend, drive to Florida, spend the day at Disney World, and then drive back the same night. Zero hours of sleep and over 25 hours and 2000 miles of driving in one weekend during finals.

During historic moments in sporting events, the best sportscasters don't feel the need to blather on and yell about how amazing and phenomenal the incident we all just witnessed is. They let the gravity of the moment and the delirium of the crowd speak for themselves. The reaction was similar in our house after Sergei told his story. Complete, stunned slience. His housemates, myself included, hadn't seen him for 48 hours and assumed he was dead somewhere. He is the finest example of gunslinging in 2009.

Happy New Year!

No Retreat, Baby Noooooovember.

2009-12-11T21:09:00.001-08:00

Old video games used to have such limited memory capabilities that words like "points" or "yards" were always plural, leading to stat lines like "Hampton – 3 Carries, 1 Yds, 2 TDs" and "Van Horn – 1 Pts, 2 Socks". By the way, 2 Socks 1 Point was my favorite vulgar web video starring Keith Van Horn. But anyway, my clocking in with 1 overall columns for the month of November is inexcusable. I haven't had a winning November since 1996, but this is the kind of month that gets coaches fired. The highlight of my November was my first ever trip to Madison Square Garden to watch the Knicks take on the Celtics. Many ideas for a column came from this trip, but I never found the time to synthesize them into something readable. A brief synopsis:

My friend Dan and I made the trip up to New York on one of those cheap buses that provides both cheap transportation for college students and affordable money laundering services for organized criminal syndicates. Thanks again to Fat Tony's Green Lucky Dragon Star Bus Co. for the $20 round trip Philly-NY bus line.
We saw a comedy show at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater and it was fantastic. The tall bald guy from 30 Rock, Erin from The Office, and that annoying guy from NFL Live are all performers there. Most sketches started out slowly, then the entertainers settled into a rhythm, and then you just got to run the football coach, you just got to.
Knicks fans are awesome even when their team and their franchise are not. Fans at most stadiums around the country beg for obvious fouls like blocking or holding, but the savvy connoisseurs at the Garden were yelling things like "Defensive 3 seconds!" and the like. Personally, I was spiked out so I spent most of my time trying to trip referees.
Spike Lee, Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, and Anthony Anderson were all in attendance.
Impossible to get NFL updates on my phone during the basketball game. The game took place on a Sunday and Dallas was facing Washington in a key divisional game. Thankfully, Shaun Suisham missed 13 consecutive field goals in the second half, which allowed the Cowboys to escape with the win.

One final note about November: a big thank you to everyone who refused to shave during the month for charity, except ladies. You guys are the real heroes out there.