The Second Annual Gunslinger of the Year

Last year my friend Mike won the first annual Gunslinger of the Year award for his spontaneous decision to drive with his girlfriend to Disney World from Philadelphia for one night. He didn't even tell his girlfriend where they were going until they were out of Delaware.

I missed the NFL Network's Top Ten episode where they chronicled the ten slingiest gunslingers in the history of the league. Brett Favre obviously won, but I've been told that the clip the show aired to describe Slingin' Sammy Baugh was hilarious since it was just Baugh running drills in practice with a cigarette in his mouth and a beer in his non-throwing hand.

I don't miss that era, but I do like the romanticized version I've seen in movies. I finally saw It's a Wonderful Life and I loved it. I wish greasy hair and hats would make a comeback. At the very least, NFL coaches need to stop wearing team apparel and go back to wearing suits and hats on the sideline. I remember Jack Del Rio and Mike Nolan each tried to start doing that but the NFL told them to stop. Roger Goodell ruins everything.

I didn't do too much slinging this year. If slingin' were a crop and I was a fifth-generation slingfarmer, then right now you'd sympathize with me. Luckily, the government subsidizes me to the extent that I actually get paid to overproduce sling. Here is a list of my top three personal slings of the year:

3. I picked the Patriots to miss the playoffs and said the Redskins would make them. I am very, very stupid.

2. I am writing this instead of studying for finals. Finals season is a time when eating is gluttonous and hygiene is optional. It's also a time to read Pitchfork's "Best of" music lists, find the three artists I've heard of and act smugly superior to all friends. I read through p4k's archives one time and found one year in which an album which was given a rating of 10.0 was lower on a Best Albums list than an album they rated a 9.5. I don't believe in math unless it's non-Euclidean or at least ironic but that's ridiculous. The most ironic situation of the year was when I turned out to be "the other guy" with a girl with whom the first time hanging out was seeing Up in the Air. That's not as bad as 9^th grade when a girl broke up with me by throwing me into a volcano though.

1. I stopped using my laptop and phone while watching important NFL and NBA games. I highly recommend you do the same. You can't get the same emotional investment in a game if you're constantly distracting yourself with other forms of entertainment. Doing other things and looking at the screen only when the shot is in the air corrupts the entire experience of watching sports. Every Cowboys game and every marquee matchup (PIT-BAL, NE-NYJ, etc.) now gets my undivided attention. The recent Celtics-Knicks game was amazing and I'm happy I was able to catch all the little details by not immersing myself in web 7.0.1, which I think consists entirely of group discounts and Jeff Bridges.

Another thing I started doing which has made life a lot more enjoyable is that I stopped reading the comments sections of the web sites I visit. I never read YouTube comments because those are awful, but I used to read the comments at most other sites because I am a man of the people. But the comments threads are usually just people trying to one-up each other with how cool they are. For example, a blog will post a Simpsons clip and the easiest way to gain credibility in the comments thread, seemingly, is to say "Is The Simpsons still cool? I stopped watching 11 years ago." Look pal, The Simpsons is an American institution and a cultural export on par with blue jeans and capitalism. Everyone knows that the show isn't as good as it was in the mid-'90s but you need to show some respect. When I visited the Louvre with my parents, I was struck by the fact that even if I was given the rest of my life to replicate one of the paintings, I couldn't do it. Maybe it's a dumb point, but still. I definitely couldn't replicate the writing of the earlier Simpsons episodes either.

In fact, I wish saying the following things were banned from comment threads:

1. Anything vaguely political or pro/anti-religion when it's not related to the topic of the column.
   
2. Anything vaguely political or pro/anti-religion when it is related to the topic of the column.
   
3. Anything anti-Simpsons, ever (see above).
   

There has been a lot of solid gunslinging recently. Brett Favre shook off another injury to bravely turn the ball over repeatedly. Orlando Magic general manager Otis Smith blew up his roster to build a team that is definitely a contender as long as LeBron James, Derrick Rose and at least four Boston Celtics die before April 2011. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke slinged a second round of quantitative easing, and Jim Mora slinged his support for it with a memorable rant about layoffs and whether we were kidding him. The Harry Potter producers decided it was a good idea to split the seventh movie into two parts even though J.K. Rowling's source material was literally 85% camping (of which 75% was just descriptions of the various types of foliage they encountered). I'm not sure what they were thinking with that one.

Michael Vick's emergence doesn't count as gunslinging, but it is remarkable. He transformed himself into a humble nerd who does nothing but study football and thank others for his success. Historically, I've hated the Eagles more than I've hated any rival of Dallas's due to Philadelphia's decade-long run of dominance. But I like Vick's redemption story so much that he's taking the edge of my hatred. I know what Vick did was truly awful, but I think he paid his debt to society and I'm happy to see him rebuild his life.

Athletes are embroiled in scandal all the time, and each time one of them does something stupid/illegal the sports media spends some time writing loudly about how we don't REALLY know any of them. So, with the admittedly large caveat that I still know nothing about Vick beyond the seemingly contrite version I see in interviews, I want to say that I'm happy he's having some success.

J.A. Adande had a brilliant tweet right before LeBron returned to Cleveland that was something like "Sad but true: If LeBron had a DUI but still played for the Cavs, he'd have 20k+ fans cheering him right now." It's an excellent point, and brings up the following question: Donovan McNabb handled a decade of ingratitude from Philadelphia fans and the entire T.O. situation with class and dignity, yet it takes a convicted felon to get me to hate the Eagles a little less?

I can't deny that it's true, except that (like most sports fans) my "hatred" of the Eagles was never personal. I always respected and liked how guys like McNabb and Andy Reid (and Brian Westbrook, and Jim Johnson…) carried themselves. As a fan of a division rival, however, I wanted them to lose so that my team would succeed. I'm still rooting for the Eagles to lose each week, and I know its indefensible to have hated the franchise more when McNabb quarterbacked it. The best explanation I can give is that Vick's redemption story transcends sports and that the warm reaction most of us have to a person bettering himself is what's causing me to hate the Eagles a little less.

And finally, the award: The top candidates are Brett Favre, LeBron James and my friend Dan. Favre started the year with a masterful performance against Dallas in the divisional round and an awful sling against the Saints to once again win the game for the other team. He then got Vikings owner Zygi Wilf to give him $20 million and was mired in scandal for most of the season. LeBron started the year as one of the most beloved athletes in the country and ended up winning his second straight MVP award. He also passively accepted defeat against Boston, ditched a franchise on national television and responded to the backlash with a captivating Nike ad which was a perfect mix of introspection and defiance.

On the other hand, Dan invited like forty people to fondue in his obsessively clean roommate's room in an apartment which already had a roach problem. I think that the overall slinginess of a) the roommate not being home at the time but reminding Dan not to eat in the room b) Dan deciding to eat in there anyway c) and inviting most of northeast Philadelphia to d) fondue with him merits recognition. In Dan's defense, the roommate has a really nice TV (which is why Dan & Co. were in there to begin with). Dan's performance as a roommate in 2010 also included breaking someone's mattress and getting hustled out of $100 in a table-tennis bet which he ended up paying entirely in Campbell's Soup. In 2010, if there was a poor decision to be made, Dan was there to make it. He is the 2010 Gunslinger of the Year.

And to my three readers: thanks for reading. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

My picks: Pittsburgh (-13.5), Dallas (-6.5), Buffalo (+8.5), New York Jets (+1.5), Baltimore (-3.5), St. Louis (-2.5), Detroit (-3.5), Jacksonville (-6.5), Kansas City (-5.5), Indianapolis (-3.5), Houston (-2.5), San Diego (-7.5), Tampa Bay (-6.5), Green Bay (-2.5), Philadelphia (-13.5), New Orleans (-2.5).
Last Week: 8-8
Season: 97-127
(yikes.)

 

Mailbag 2

Once again, I begged my readership of six people to send me questions because mailbags are fun. Here's what they came up with:

Is petroleum jelly the best kind of jelly

This question lends itself to some easy sophomoric jokes which I have no intention of making. It does prompt a discussion about the best pseudo-foods though. I'd rank them, in order, as Chap-Stick (cherry), Tic-Tacs, Orbitz, Chap-Stick (unflavored), mouthwash, anti-freeze, toothpaste, insulin, permafrost, tempafrost, semi-frost, and Scott Frost.

Dear Mr. Soundd,

Have you noticed a strange narrative to this NFL season portrayed by the media? It seems that each year the actual on-field play matters less and less, and all the focus is placed on the drama surrounding the league. This year, it's been sex scandals, disgruntled players, disappointing teams, concussions and the violence of the game. I don't recall hearing the talking heads on Around the Horn sound off on Arian Foster's dominance, or Brandon freaking Lloyd destroying secondaries. Remember the LT watch a few years back? Or even AP's rookie year, when every game we would gush about what a HOF freak the guy was? Why aren't the efforts of the best players in the NFL being recognized anymore??

It's 2:30 in the morning and I had to take a break from organic chem, so this popped into my head. Take it or leave it.

Look man, it's Dr. Soundd. I didn't go through life as a high school dropout then become famous then get asked to speak at commencement for "cachet" then get an honorary dental degree JUST TO BE MR. SOUNDD. It's Dr. Soundd, D.D.S. if anything. I also love how you added "take it or leave it" to the end, making it the first ever passive-aggressive mailbag question. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, passively-aggresses like I do. I agree with the point that this reader raised, but he's also forgetting that the biggest stories this year mostly take place off the field.

The Brett Favre-Jenn Sterger story is the most obvious case. Many of us are too young to remember when Favre was the league's best player – he won his 3^rd and final MVP when I was eight. To put the scandal in perspective, it would be like Peyton Manning being embroiled in a harassment suit in 2019, except that for some reason he is the starter for the Patriots and nobody likes him anymore. I'm still a Favre fan though. I understand the reasons people cite when explaining why they are so tired of him, but I still like watching him play. Which brings us to the next question:

With Aaron Rogers and Jay Cutler firmly established gun-slingers, and Matthew Stafford's shoulder too busy "arm-sling"-ing, who is the future of gunslinging in the NFL? Is it Colt McCoy (who has the name) or Sam Bradford (who has the talent)? One thing is for sure, it's not Jimmy Clausen...Can we get a young gun-slingers power poll?

I like the use of "arm-sling" – a finely crafted pun. Gunslinging is going to get a lot of Oscar buzz this year because of the movie
True Grit, which I had assumed was about Jason Varitek playing the game the right way until I saw the trailer. I like how the NFL's quarterback situation and the NBA's point guard situation are both excellent right now. Each has a nice mix of legends (Brady/Manning/Nash/Kidd), stars in their respective primes (Rivers/Roethlisberger/Paul/Williams) and promising young'uns (Bradford/Stafford/Rose/Wall).

I'm going to skip the young gun-slingers power poll and instead direct everyone's attention to the most exciting player in the league: Haloti Ngata. Ever since Randy Moss died, Haloti has become my favorite player due to his ability to just eat offensive lineman. The man is completely unblockable. My favorite plays of his aren't the times he sacks the quarterback, but rather when he just bulldozes two linemen and collapses the pocket and forces an inaccurate throw. It's just so tough. Here is a video of Eddie George being tackled by Gilbert Brown's shoulder.

My son is finally starting to listen to real music. As a lifelong Springsteen fan I really want my son to grow up loving the Boss as much as I do. His birthday is coming up soon, and I would like to get him his first Bruce CD...as a fellow Springsteen junkie what do you suggest I get for him...Devils & Dust or Tunnel of Love? (I was much dismayed to discover that "A Patti Scialfa Christmas" is not in fact an actual album...damn)

It's difficult to rank Springsteen's albums since taste in music varies depending on mood. For example, if you're happy you'd probably pick the more upbeat songs from Born in the U.S.A., if you're depressed you might stick with Nebraska and if you feel like committing suicide you'll probably just listen to the song "Reno" to simulate the experience.

I love the Christmas season, and it's absolutely impossible to watch this video of young Bruce killin' it with "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" in Passaic, NJ in 1978 without feeling the same way. I remember when Bruce played halftime of the Cardinals-Steelers Super Bowl there was a prop bet of like 25:1 of a sax solo at some point during the show. Basically, that's a bet that he'll play "Born to Run", right? I wish I knew how to gamble because that was easy money. Actually, my picks record is 30 games under .500, so maybe it's a good thing I don't know any bookies.

With Robert Horry retired, and James Posey now decrepit, who is the current holder of the dagger?

Great question – I remember excitedly texting my friend when I found this movie in the clearance bin at Blockbuster. He jokingly asked if it was a buddy comedy starring Horry and Posey. A dagger, of course, is a key basket late in games that is technically not a game-winner but makes it very difficult for the other team to come back. The Washington Wizards' announcer Steve Buckhantz is famous for this call of a dagger by Gilbert Arenas. I vote for Derek Fisher as the current holder of the dagger.

Did you see Community yesterday?

I was asked this question by a friend on gchat and decided to throw it in the mailbag. I always make a point of watching 30 Rock and The Office and skipping the rest of NBC's Thursday night offerings. I've been told by many people that Community is worth watching, and I finally decided to try an episode after seeing the promos for the show's stop-motion Christmas special. It was fantastic.

The episode centers around one character experiencing psychological trauma and creating an alternate universe as an escape fantasy. I couldn't help but think of Pan's Labyrinth and Inception by the end of the show. I think the Community Christmas special actually compares favorably to Inception, which can be thought of as The Matrix 5 because The Matrix 4 was clearly Constantine. You never saw Constantine? I saw it twice in theaters and have the DVD.

I was able to admit when 30 Rock eclipsed The Office and it looks like Community might surpass 30 Rock. 30 Rock is frequently hilarious but most episodes don't have a meaningful plot and several characters (Kenneth, Jack's mom, etc.) have become annoying.

Do you think fundamental or technical analysis is more appropriate for analyzing who will win football games?

Well, we've seen a head-and-shoulders pattern coming from much of the NFC West and I think we're ready to see some breakout above recent resistance levels. Actually, my picks suck so much I'm better off just reading the entrails of a chicken.

One final point before moving to the picks. It's become chic to bash the telling of fantasy football stories before telling one. You know, saying something like "I know people hate fantasy football stories, but THIS STORY IS COMPLETLEY DIFFERENT". Whatever. I just wanted to let you guys know that even though I'm going to finish in last place in the picks league, I snuck into the playoffs in fantasy football as the eight seed and I'm ready to start an improbable run to the title.

Home teams in bold. Wish me luck:

Indianapolis Colts over Tennessee Titans (+2.5)

Yup, I got this one wrong even in hindsight.

Cleveland Browns over Buffalo Bills (-1.5)

Another classic frisk-off! I hate to pick against my boy Ryan Friskpatrick (who Rich Eisen tweeted has been nicknamed "The Amish Rifle" by his teammates). My friend made an interesting point about why he hates the Browns. "They don't have a real logo – they have a [expletive] helmet as their [expletive] logo. What the [expletive]." It was a valid point, and I'm from New Jersey.

Green Bay Packers over Detroit Lions (+6.5)

Cincinatti Bengals over Pittsburgh Steelers (-9.5)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers over Washington Redskins (+2.5)

Is Mike Shanahan going to make it to season three? Good coaches don't have to win ten games in their first year after inheriting a mess, but they should absolutely inject some frisk into them. The Buccaneers were awful at the beginning of last season, earned some frisk as the season went on and are a borderline playoff team this year. Shanahan had only one playoff win in ten season in Denver after John Elway retired, and this year's Redskins seem to be getting worse each week.

Atlanta Falcons over Carolina Panthers (+7.5)

Jacksonville Jaguars (-4.5) over Oakland Raiders

Seattle Seahawks over San Francisco 49ers (-4.5)

New Orleans Saints (-8.5) over St. Louis Rams

Very tough to say right now who should be coach of the year. Steve Spagnuolo and Bill Belichick are the frontrunners with Raheem Morris and Mike Smith close behind. The winner will probably be Spagnuolo if the Rams make the playoffs, but it's just as impressive that Morris is keeping the Bucs competitive in the brutal NFC South. I still don't think the Falcons are very good and I think their record is inflated. I think a quality team could expose them (like what the Patriots did to the Jets last week).

New England Patriots over Chicago Bears (+3.5)

Miami Dolphins over New York Jets (-6.5)

Denver Broncos over Arizona Cardinals (+3.5)

San Diego Chargers (-6.5) over Kansas City Chiefs

New York Giants over Minnesota Vikings (+2.5)

Baltimore Ravens over Houston Texans (+3.5)

Dallas Cowboys (+3.5) over Philadelphia Eagles

One of my friends pointed out that if the Cowboys beat the Eagles twice, the Eagles will probably miss the playoffs. Even if Dallas only beats Philly once, the Eagles will still probably have to win the rest of their games to avoid missing the playoffs. So, it's not quite the same as playing in the Super Bowl on your home field, but I'll take it.

Last Week: 7-9
Season: 79-113. Yes, I'm seriously 34 games under .500. But at least I did better than the CBS studio hosts (Dan Marino, Bill Cowher, Boomer Esiason and Shannon Sharpe) who went a combined 3-61 against the spread. Yes, they really did. 3-61!!!! No one was better than 1-15 and Boomer was 0-16!

Eight Crazy Nights

Comic actors are surprisingly polarizing given their choice of profession. I think this is because they pretty much play the same character in every movie, which means that if you don't like that particular character the actor has no chance of making you laugh. For example:

Will Ferrell: Boorish guy with deadpan delivery

Michael Cera: Angst-ridden awkward teenager. I think he plays me in my biopic.

Vince Vaughn: Normal guy who is usually scheming but gets easily flustered. My friend Dan thought that Vince Vaughn gained a lot of weight for one of his upcoming roles, but I had to tell him that Vince Vaughn is not Robert De Niro and Couples Retreat is not Raging Bull.

Adam Sandler: Boorish guy with over-the-top delivery.

And so on. I dislike Cera's work and used to love both Ferrell's and Vaughn's when I was younger. I'm still a huge fan of Adam Sandler's, an actor who has the rare ability to carry funny movies (Big Daddy, Happy Gilmore and 250 other Middle School Sleepover Hall of Famers) as well as serious ones (Spanglish, Reign Over Me). Sandler is also a huge Springsteen fan, which only makes him more likable.

Since comic actors are so polarizing, your taste in the aforementioned ones probably differs from mine. Still, I would hope we can all agree that Sandler's "Hanukkah Song" is both hilarious and incredibly catchy. Quick tangent: growing up, most of my friends were at least ½ Jewish. I led the league in what sabremetricians have dubbed BMAER (Bar Mitzvahs Attended Efficiency Rating). JUST BECAUSE C.C. ATTENDED MORE TOTAL BAR MITZVAHS DOESN'T MEAN HE'S BETTER THAN ME!!!!

Anyway, my friend Jason (who is Jewish) and I came up with a ton of lyrics we wish Adam Sandler had used in his song. We were talking during what many bloggers had dubbed "LeBronukkah" (James's return to Cleveland) and got the following results:

Me: Uday and Qassay suck…and so does Sadamukkah!
Jason: Palace at Auburn Hills observes RonRonukkah
Me: I did the Dream Shake to commemorate Olajuwonukkah
Me: And what about his coach? Rudy Tomjanukkahvich?
Me: who's your fav ex-Rams tight end? Brandon Manumaleunukkah?
Angelo [guest appearance]: I mean business…celebrate Natronukkah
Me: President LBJ had napalmukkah dropped on North Vietnamukkah.
Angelo: The Mavs at the trade deadline celebrating Caronukkah?
Angelo: 19 assists! Happy Rajonukkah!

I'm just giddy for the holidays in general. Everyone's so happy that it's infectious. "If you really really wannukkah…have a happy happy happy happy happy Hanukkah!!!!!"

 

 

 

 

Get Coached

Wade Phillips and Brad Childress had each been subjected to vicious personal attacks from their respective fan bases before getting fired. Both deserved to be fired, but honestly, I'm not a fan of the amount of rage which fans use to yell at coaches and players. Poor performance is not an excuse for ad hominem attacks.

Did you know that Childress has a son who is a Marine serving in Afghanistan? I didn't either, but suddenly Childress becomes a pretty sympathetic character due to the fact that on any given day the Department of Defense could send him the most tragic form letter imaginable.

Andy Reid is treated poorly as well. Snarky writers and disgruntled Philadelphia fans make fun of Reid incessantly, but consider what he's done since taking over the Eagles: 126-79-1, five division titles, five NFC championship game appearances and 1 Super Bowl appearance. His two losing seasons? His first season in 1999 (when he established the groundwork for his ultimately successful rebuilding plan) and again in 2005 (when an injury to Donovan McNabb and a tantrum by Terrell Owens torpedoed the season). Reid may never win a title, but neither has Jerry Sloan. Nobody calls Sloan a [expletive].

In fact, Reid's record compares favorably to Jeff Fisher's. Fisher has three division titles, two AFC championship game appearances, one Super Bowl appearance, and five losing seasons. They're both excellent coaches. So...to recap, Reid will make a few questionable decisions in a given season, but by January his Eagles are always several games above .500 and one of the NFC's best. I never understood why Reid is polarizing.

I'm almost done being holier than you. I came here not to bury Wade but to praise him.

/end rant

______________________________________________________

The
following video is an actual product I saw being advertised on ESPN one night. I immediately looked it up on YouTube because it seemed to be less an actual product and more an elaborate satire of capitalism:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otCG5iAdT0E

After confirming that the inspirational video series was, in fact, real, I went to the company's website and read some more. It turns out that Get Coached is an inspirational/motivational video series in which Mike Ditka, Sean Payton, Rex Ryan, Mike Singletary and Bobby Bowden take turns yelling at you. The coaches take turns standing in a studio with a black background and harsh lighting – not unlike an interrogation room – while the camera makes dozens of quick cuts. The music which accompanies the speeches is dripping with faux intensity. The entire series takes five DVDs, which is surprising given that it only took Francis Coppola three DVDs to finish the Godfather saga. If Get Coached isn't 66% better than the Godfather, you should feel ripped off.

Honestly, I like all of these coaches and respect their accomplishments, but I feel like this video series was created just to be made fun of. Oh you didn't hear? Get Coached is the new Shake Weight.

Here are the actual titles of the DVDs (each coach hosts one session, I guess):

Mike Ditka: Total Commitment
Bobby Bowden: God, Family and Football
Mike Singletary: A Vision of Faith

That's cool, because I don't believe in the separation of church and football either. In fact, this is beginning to feel more and more like the recruitment and indoctrination ritual for a cult. Continuing:

Sean Payton: Aim High

This was also the name of the video that Tom Emanski let Tim Lincecum guest host. Yuk yuk yuk.

Rex Ryan: Give It All You Got

"Give It All You Got" is my favorite Bon Jovi song of all time. You know that one with all the power chords and anthemic singing? Give it all you got! We'll keep fightin' and make it! Go your own way…but give it all you got!!! I bet you were able to simulate the guitar part for a Bon Jovi song in your head while reading those lyrics.

Fortunately, I was able to find extended previews for each DVD. Let's dive deeper:

I love how Mike Ditka introduces himself as the head coach of the Super Bowl Champion Chicago Bears. Ditka was a great coach for that time, but his intro conveniently excludes his disastrous run in New Orleans. Note how he yells the word "player" at the 19 second mark. This man is intense. To be fair, the hyper-masculine schtick Ditka employs in this video would be a lot more impressive if it weren't for a certain photo from 1999. At the 34 second mark, the editor decided it would be a cool idea to splice the image so that there are three Ditkas yelling at you. One Ditka = not enough Ditka.

I think Mike Singletary has been treated unfairly by the public and deserves a second chance as a head coach on a team with a reasonably competent quarterback. I'm going to make fun of his video anyway. The title, "A Vision of Faith", is actually just a euphemism for dropping your pants at halftime. Most of Singletary's advice is related to dropping your pants in public situations. The first thirty seconds of the video is literally just Singletary reading his resume. "I was captain of the 1985 Chicago Bears. I was inducted into the Hall of Fame. I was the two time Defensive Player of the Year. I was treasurer of the Model UN." Singletary, at the one minute mark: "There is one word, which I believe defines any good leader." Pantsless?

Rex Ryan is my favorite coach in the league but his video was similarly goofy. At the 49 second mark, the video is so intense it ditches color all together and becomes black and white. I think they could have improved things by making it a silent film where it's just footage of Rex mouthing something intense at you and then a black screen displays the text of what he just said: "Let's go have a God damn snack" They also zoom in on Rex's eyes at the last second before the video ends. Get Coached is the kind of thing which is very difficult to make fun of since it pretty much makes fun of itself, much like the 2010 Dallas Cowboys.

Sean Payton's video makes me sad because he worked under Bill Parcells in Dallas and should have become the head coach after Parcells left. Instead of paying Payton a retention fee and making him the heir, Jerry Jones let Payton walk in 2006 in favor of Wade Phillips and Jason Garrett. In fact, since I love Parcells so much, let me compare his coaching tree to that of Bill Belichick:

Parcells's Tree, the Good: Payton (1 SB), Tom Coughlin (1 SB), Tony Sparano, Todd Haley (all turned around terrible franchises).
Parcells's Tree, the Bad: Ray Handley, Chris Palmer, Al Groh.

Belichick's Tree, the Good: Jim Schwarz, Nick Saban. Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel are good coordinators, but that doesn't count.
Belichick's Tree, the Bad: everyone else. And Saban's only good in college.

 

My picks actually improved a little over the last two weeks. I'm still in last place in my league, but at this point I'm building for the future. I had the Texans getting 7.5 on Thursday night (didn't cover), so this week is already looking pretty bad. Home teams in bold, wish me luck:

New Orleans Saints over Cincinnati Bengals (+6.5)

Chicago Bears over Detroit Lions (+3.5)

Green Bay Packers (-9.5) over San Francisco 49ers

Everyone makes excuses for the Packers when they lose. "But they're so talented!" "But that turnover was a fluke!" "But they outgained the other team by 200 yards!". I used to do this to, but I realized that the Packers' penchant for dumb mistakes at key moments trumps their admittedly high talent level. They deserve to lose every game they've lost.

For example, in last week's loss to Atlanta, if the Packers had EITHER not fumbled at the goal line OR not committed a personal foul on the kickoff which setup the Falcons' game winning drive, Green Bay probably wins that game in overtime. But this is how they lose games. They lost to Chicago despite outgaining them by 100 yards and leading in the fourth quarter, and they lost to the Redskins and Dolphins under similar circumstances. At some point, your team just isn't built to win close games against good teams and it's no longer a fluke.

I think the Packers' season will end in the same way it did for the 2009 Vikings. Last year's Vikings outgained the Saints the NFC Championship Game 475-257. That's 218 yards! Despite four turnovers, the Vikings had the ball with the game tied in the closing seconds and were in New Orleans' territory…when they committed their fifth turnover and lost in overtime. The Packers might not even make the playoffs.

Jacksonville Jaguars over Tennessee Titans (-3.5)

"Well before I get to questions man I'd like to say something…"

Kansas City Chiefs (-8.5) over Denver Broncos

Miami Dolphins (-4.5) over Cleveland Browns

Buffalo Bills over Minnesota Vikings (-6.5)

New York Giants (-7.5) over Washington Redskins

San Diego Chargers (-13.5) over Oakland Raiders

Most NFL fans – myself included – expect the Chargers to win the AFC West and make the playoffs. Still, we should keep in mind that their start sucked so much that in any given week a combination of Chiefs win + Chargers loss would put the Chiefs two games up with less than five games left. Plus, the Chiefs won the first meeting. I'm just sayin'.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+3.5) over Atlanta Falcons

The Falcons are 9-2? They're still frauds! I never get tired of being wrong.

Seattle Seahawks (-5.5) over Carolina Panthers

St Louis Rams over Arizona Cardinals (+3.5)

Indianapolis Colts (-5.5) over Dallas Cowboys

Sobsobsob

Baltimore Ravens (-3.5) over Pittsburgh Steelers

New England Patriots (-3.5) over New York Jets

I hope Rex wins this, but I don't want to pick Sanchez over Brady.

Season Record: 72-104. Yikes.

 

 

 

Midterms

No time to write a real NFL picks column today since I have a midterm tomorrow and I haven't started studying yet. Dan said last week's column was week anyway. I liked it, but his standards are impossibly high due to his own award-winning blog Fundamentally Roundd, in which he frequently comments on the link between rye bread, sriracha sauce, and reasonably priced produce.

Last week I went 7-6 after picking exclusively based on Frisk. Sadly, this was my first week all year where I was better than .500. Home teams in bold, wish me luck:

Atlanta Falcons (-8.5) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Buffalo Bills (+2.5) over Chicago Bears

Ryan Friskpatrick lives!

New England Patriots (-4.5) over Cleveland Browns

Detroit Lions (+4.5) over New York Jets

Minnesota Vikings (-8.5) over Arizona Cardinals

New Orleans Saints (-7.5) over Carolina Panthers

Miami Dolphins (-5.5) over Baltimore Ravens

San Diego Chargers over Houston Texans (+1.5)

Seattle Seahawks (+5.5) over New York Giants

Oakland Raiders (-2.5) over Kansas City Chiefs

The aesthetics for this game are going to be awesome.

Indianapolis Colts over Philadelphia Eagles (-2.5)

Pittsburgh Steelers over Cincinatti Bengals (+4.5)

Green Bay Packers (-7.5) over Dallas Cowboys

Dallas is still getting too much love from Vegas. A 1-6 team with no secondary and no way to protect its quarterback (who is Jon Kitna, by the way) will not do well against Aaron Rodgers and Clay Matthews. Roy E. Williams said this week that he thinks Dallas can run the table, finish 10-6 and sneak into the playoffs. I'm just excited to have Cowher or Gruden next year. I looked at the numbers for the two coaches, and I can honestly say that I'm indifferent between the two:

Jon Gruden: 47 years old, 100-85 (career .540 win pctg), 1 Super Bowl title

Bill Cowher: 53 years old, 149-90-1 (career .623 win pctg), 1 Super Bowl title

Cowher's more accomplished, but slightly older and I think Gruden would be hungrier.

The Decisions

The rise of atdhe.net and justin.tv has changed the way we watch sports. Each site is presumably illegal, but each offers live streams of sporting events which would otherwise be either unwatchable or prohibitively expensive to order (NFL Sunday Ticket is not cheap). Watching NFL games through these websites is a fantastic way to avoid the classic Jersey trap of "Jets-Bengals at 1, Giants-Cardinals at 4" as my only viewing options. The video quality is slightly worse than standard definition, but I'm still happy to watch.

The same cannot be said of the websites' transmission of NBA games. The video feeds were glitchier and more prone to collapse. More importantly, mediocre video quality becomes a far bigger problem when watching an NBA game.

An NFL broadcast is structured in such a way that makes it robust to problems with a stream's video quality. When the ball is thrown or a running back takes the ball, the camera follows the action so the viewer's eyes are "guided" to where they are supposed to be. Individual players are easy to keep track of as well. Peyton Manning's number 18 is displayed largely and Manning can always be found a few steps behind the line of scrimmage.

The same cannot be said for basketball, which makes it difficult to enjoy a pirated stream with mediocre resolution. Once the offense crosses half court, the camera is essentially static. This means the viewer must follow the ball on his own – an effortless task in HD, but pretty annoying with grainy video. Moreover, the fluidity of basketball means that it is significantly more difficult to keep track of where the players are. Imagine the following scenario:

A camera follows Rajon Rondo, and it pans from left to right as he brings the ball up the court. The camera settles as the Celtics get into an offensive set. Rondo throws the ball to Ray Allen on the near side wing. Rondo cuts through the paint after his pass, but your eyes stay on Allen since he has the ball. With grainy video and Rondo now somewhere else on the court, can you quickly find Rondo?

Probably not. Plus, I picked a team (Boston) with multiple stars whose faces fans would recognize instantly. Replace Rondo and the Big 3 with the Milwaukee Bucks and an already difficult task becomes exponentially tougher.

Fortunately, the
NBA allows fans to purchase the ability to stream live games to their laptops for the entire regular season. The video quality is excellent, and the only restrictions are that games featuring the local market's team and games which are nationally televised are blacked out. The league offers two options: a Premium League Pass package in which every game from every team is available (for $190) or a Choice League Pass package where every game for seven teams is available ($120).

I don't have time to watch every game of every team, so I didn't think it was worth the extra $70 to watch every game. $120 is not cheap, but I love the NBA (despite Stu Jackson's best efforts) and decided to splurge. This meant I had a decision to make:

If you just spent $120 for the ability to watch every game for the rest of the year for seven teams, which seven would you choose?

I chose based on the following:

Diversification: I didn't want to pick too many teams in the same division. Since I can only pick seven teams, I didn't want to waste too many games where two of my seven would be playing each other.

Exposure: There are a handful of teams which are frequently on national TV. Since all of these games will be blacked out on League Pass, I wanted to avoid the teams with high exposure unless I could come up with a compelling reason.

Storyline: There are several teams where we pretty much know how the season is going to end. For example, it's hard to see Utah getting past the second round of the playoffs. I like Deron Williams and will watch him whenever he's on national TV, but it doesn't seem worth it to waste one of my seven spots on the Jazz because the team itself isn't going anywhere.

Potential: This criterion was initially titled "Young Talent" but that sounds really creepy. I think that watching young, hungry players for an entire regular season is more interesting than watching a polished veteran team which is saving itself for the playoffs.

Here's what I came up with:

Boring teams which never had a chance to be chosen: Charlotte, Toronto, Cleveland, Indiana, Detroit, Memphis, Philadelphia, Minnesota.

The Sixers have Evan Turner and the Timberwolves have Kevin Love, but neither plays more than 27 minutes per game and their respective teams are otherwise awful.

Not getting past the second round: Atlanta, Houston, Utah, Denver

I think it's best if we're just friends: Phoenix, New Orleans

It was very difficult for me to say goodbye to Steve Nash and Alvin Gentry. I loved the 2009-10 Suns; by returning to the Seven Seconds or Less offense, Nash & Gentry nearly got the Suns to the Finals. During the offseason, last year's roster was blown up and Steve Kerr resigned due to the owner's cheapness. The Suns have started 1-3 and Nash's recent comments suggest that he might want to leave Phoenix. I'm ok with him jumping to a contender for the same reason it was fine when Gary Payton and Karl Malone (and Ray Borque, and LaDainian Tomlinson…) did it. If you're a first-ballot Hall of Famer with two years left and no hope of a title on your current team, it's ok to chase a ring with someone else. If the Suns start off 11-23 and Nash gets dealt, what's the point of watching the Suns?

I had the same rationale with the Hornets. Chris Paul is one of my favorite players, but if he gets traded or hurt, then I'm stuck watching Peja Stojakavic and pretending its 2002.

Coasting until April and always on TV: Boston, Los Angeles Lakers, San Antonio, Orlando.

Rajon Rondo is electric enough that I nearly went with Boston, but in the end I didn't think it was worth it. I love watching Kobe play – and rooting against him – but he's saving his legs for the playoffs. The Spurs and Magic are always on TV. I like watching Dwight Howard, but we already know what's going to happen in Orlando this year (unless they land Nash or Chris Paul): 58 wins, beat every bad team by 20 but lose in the 2^nd round to Boston or Miami.

Almost did it but changed my mind: Portland, Los Angeles Clippers, Milwaukee, Sacramento, New York

Portland has the most depth (and, um, length) of any team in the league. Reggie Miller said that the Blazers are more likely to challenge the Lakers than the Thunder, and I think he's right. The Clippers have great young talent (Blake Griffin and Eric Bledsoe) but I realize that picking too many crappy teams with fun players would not be good decision making. The Bucks have a player who personally responded to my message on Facebook but are probably going to regress from last season. The Knicks have great uniforms and some solid young talent (Landry Fields, Toney Douglas, Danilo Gallinari) but I wasn't comfortable spending a spot on them.

One quick note: The Portland crowd disappointed me so hard yesterday. During a tense, nationally televised game last night against another elite team (the Thunder) the crowd was effectively dead. I was surprised since the conventional wisdom is that Portland has a top-5 NBA crowd. Maybe they do, but they sucked yesterday.

The Chosen: New Jersey, Dallas, Oklahoma City, Chicago, Washington, Golden State, Miami.

The Nets were my favorite team for roughly fifteen years until they finalized plans to move to Brooklyn, removed "New Jersey" from their uniforms and traded away my favorite player of all time. You might think that I should still be a Nets fan after the move due to Brooklyn's proximity to New Jersey, but I feel like the organization disrespected its current home to the extent that I am no longer a fan. People in Seattle don't root for the Thunder, you know?

I picked the Mavericks as my new favorite team once they landed Jason Kidd in 2008. I root for old guys with no rings in any sport, so I am happy to pay to watch Kidd and Nowitzki on a daily basis despite the Mavs' high exposure level. I also picked Oklahoma City as one of my League Pass teams since they have Durant and Russell Westbrook and the best home crowd in basketball.

The Thunder are a chic pick to win the West this year, but I see two major holes. First, their help defense is awful. The Blazers and Clippers both scored at will against Oklahoma City. TNT stat guys put up a graphic yesterday which said that the Thunder allow the most field goal attempts near the rim of any team in the NBA. Second, Russell Westbrook is actually more clutch than Kevin Durant right now. I love everything about Kevin Durant, especially the way he carries himself. But during last night's Portland game, it was Westbrook's combination of key jumpshots and fearless drives which saved the Thunder in the 4^th Quarter. Durant missed his last five shots from the field. If I remember correctly, the same thing happened during last year's playoff series against Los Angeles: late in games, Durant couldn't hit a shot and Westbrook would have to bail his team out. I'm not calling Durant soft or anything, and he's obviously the most important player on that team. I'm just writing what I saw.

The Bulls have great uniforms and a potential MVP in Derrick Rose. The Warriors have the most fun offense in the league, or as some might say…one of the MOST BEST OFFENSE…IN THE LEAGUE.

John Wall is amazing and I hate how he's going to be a superstar since he won't be on the Nets. Wall's quickly becoming one of my favorite players and I'm excited to watch his development this year. I realize that if he gets hurt, then I'm screwed because I'll be watching JaVale McGee and Andray Blatche for 82 games, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. Colin Cowherd blasted John Wall because…he's 19 and has fun before games.

I don't make fun of ESPN's NFL analysts (Schlereth, Hoge) anymore because it finally hit me how difficult their jobs are. It's hard to say something interesting, on live TV, when your audience is already pretty well-educated about the sport. I was being unfair to them. But Cowherd is an opinion guy, and his anti-Wall tirade was pathetic and mean-spirited.

Finally, the Heat. The Heat play on national TV a lot this season, and it's possible one of their stars gets hurt. Their home crowd sucks and they act like they've won five titles. But…come on. This is Miami's season, and I can't look away.

The Frisk Index, Volume 1

Rappers routinely make up sequels or prequels to mixtapes. During my senior year of high school, my friends and I put together a mixtape titled Mixtape Part III Volume 2 because it was nonsensical enough to mimic reality. Basically, what I'm saying is don't expect the next edition of these rankings to make sense.

In fact, this edition of these rankings might not make sense. The point of the Frisk Index is based on the following idea: bad NFL teams sometimes give good teams a hard time. For example, last week, Buffalo was able to take Baltimore to overtime. Some people say that this makes Buffalo a frisky team. My friends and I don't do this. Instead, we will yell "THERE IS FRISK IN BUFFALO" at each other and laugh, because that's what friends do. No joke is too bad to get bailed out.

Since I think power rankings are pointless for sports with an actual playoff system, I decided to make the Frisk Index. The Frisk Index ranks how frisky the worst teams in the league are. Plus, my picks suck, so I'd like to comb over the rest of this column and hide them wherever I can.

One quick story before jumping into the index: After the Monday night game was done, I was leading my fantasy game 94.1-94.0. A win by one yard! Since there are no games after the Monday night game, I assumed this meant I won. I signed in today to update my roster and saw that Dan's score got revised upward and he was declared the winner 96-94.1. Daggers all around.

The Index is ranked 1-10, with 10 being the friskiest:

San Diego, Dallas, Minnesota, Cincinnati: These teams have no frisk. Super Bowl contenders who lose games due to stupid mistakes do not count as frisky no matter how many games below .500 they are. As a Cowboys fan, I'm blaming this entire season on Jessica Simpson…'s continued refusal to answer my calls. She also gets a zero for friskiness. Frisk Index Score: 0

Arizona, Seattle, Chicago: Teams with winning records that are actually awful get low Frisk scores. Frisk Index Score: 1

Detroit, St. Louis: They have low Frisk Index scores because there is a certain amount of flukiness that is involved in being a frisky team, and these two teams are extremely well coached and will be above .500 next year. This makes them friskless. The Lions and Rams only have bad records because of injuries and a few bizarre endings – each is actually a wild card team disguised as a frisky squad. Steve Spagnuolo and Jim Schwartz have done a great job resurrecting their respective franchises.

I'm not sure if it's more impressive to take a crappy team and restore it to respectability or take a talented team deep into the playoffs. For example, Bill Parcells turned around horrible situations in New England, New York, Dallas and Miami but never won a title in any of those places. These teams had an average of 2.25 wins the year before Parcells arrived and each was a playoff team within two years. On the other hand, Phil Jackson takes highly talented teams and wins titles. Could Phil do the same thing in New Jersey or Minnesota? And, if Parcells is so good, why does Belichick have more rings than him? The point is, Dan's car was actually purchased from Auerbach and Sons Used Nissan Dealership in Philadelphia, which allowed me to make a million horrible jokes about the winningest Used Nissan Dealership of all time. FRIENDS MUST LAUGH AT MY JOKES OR I WILL SOB QUIETLY IN THE CORNER!!!! Frisk Index Score: 2

Carolina, San Francisco: These two teams actually had a frisk-off last week in which Carolina outfrisked San Francisco. I like John Fox and Mike Singletary as coaches, but they haven't been able to deliver like the pizza man, which I'm only mentioning because something like 85% of Drake's rap includes references to pizza. Frisk Index Score: 3

Denver, Jacksonville: These teams suck, but they are also REALLY boring. I can't imagine writing a sentence about them, let alone reading one. Frisk Index Score: 4

Oakland: I want to say a couple of nice things about ESPN. First, their TrueHoop NBA blog is fantastic, and I highly recommend it. Second, Tim Cowlishaw broke out a killer Al Davis impression on Around the Horn a few days ago. It's easy to hate on ESPN, but I don't want it to be formulaic hate. Frisk Index Score: 5

Cleveland: In order to have a high score on the Frisk Index, you need to lack talent and direction as a franchise. The Browns beat the defending champs last week because of two interception return touchdowns by a defensive lineman. The Browns deserve an award for Continued Excellence in Frisk due to the fact that they have beaten the defending Super Bowl Champion for three straight seasons. I wish I had an award for Continued Excellence in Frisk, but the ladies still won't show me love. Even with my UNICEF box! Frisk Index Score: 8.5

There is frisk in Cleveland! But there is even more frisk in…

Buffalo/Oklahoma City/Los Angeles/Anaheim/Toronto/Shelbyville: There is so much frisk in Buffalo right now. Any time Ryan Friskpatrick leads you to 34 points in Baltimore with no talent around him, or in him, and Chan Gailey as a coach, you know you're getting a high frisk score. Frisk Index Score: 10

I'm 39-66 for the season and went 4-10 again last week. Not good. Home teams in bold, and wish me luck. I'm making my picks this week based exclusively on Frisk:

Miami Dolphins over Cincinatti Bengals (-2.5)

Detroit Lions (-2.5) over Washington Redskins

Buffalo Bills over Kansas City Chiefs (-7.5)

If I were picking on a non-frisk basis, I would take the Chiefs. Kansas City has a chance to win a playoff game since they'll probably get the fourth seed in the AFC, meaning that the awesome Arrowhead crowd will be in full force in the first round. I love the Kansas City crowd, but only in a platonic way. I remain firmly opposed to dipole-dipole atomic bonding. IT'S ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND DIPOLE!!!!!

St Louis Rams (-3.5) over Carolina Panthers

New York Jets (-6.5) over Green Bay Packers

Denver Broncos over San Francisco 49ers (-.5)

San Diego Chargers (-3.5) over Tennessee Titans

Arizona Cardinals (-3.5) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers

New England Patriots (-5.5) over Minnesota Vikings

Oakland Raiders (-2.5) over Seattle Seahawks

Pittsburgh Steelers over New Orleans Saints (-.5)

Houston Texans over Indianapolis Colts (-5.5)

Jacksonville Jaguars over Dallas Cowboys (-6.5)

With Michigan and Dallas both collapsing, the only thing I have left in my life is my friends, family, health and the New Jersey Nets. If the Nets beat the Heat tonight, the road to the Finals comes through Newark.

Last Week: 4-10
Season: 39-66