Rain , Sleet, Snow, Hail

Last week I decided it would be cool to do an entire column where I respond to reader mail. The problem is, my readership is zero. It used to be much wider but thanks to audience fragmentation, cable television and the blogosphere, my blog is currently read by maybe ten people. Double digits though!

I asked the ten people who read this blog to come up with questions and ask me them. Pathetic? Yes. But still, I've never responded to mail before and it seems fun. Since Fundamentally Soundd is a family-friendly blog, I screened questions for content and was forced to delete several questions plus a few pictures Dan texted me. Here's the best of what they came up with:

When do you think people on ESPN will stop acting surprised when the Cowboys keep losing?

I hate my friends.

I am an avid reader of your blog and have been betting large sums of money in Las Vegas based upon your NFL predictions and am now almost broke. What gives?

I am never asking my friends for suggestions ever again.

Most underrated historical figure that was a gunslinger?

It's been a long time since I've written about gunslinging. The most underrated historical gunslinger is the caveman who decided to drink milk from a different animal. Jerry Seinfeld had a great bit about this – "Was this guy looking at these udders thinking…'I can't wait to get a hit of that!'" I'd love to see Mark Schlereth and the gang break down Unknown Caveman's ability to milksling "just like a little kid out there".

Mark: "guys, if you want protein in your diet in this era…YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO TAKE SHOTS DOWN THE FIELD."

The NFL Network was running one if its awesome "America's Game" documentaries, and I recently watched one which chronicled the 1998 Denver Broncos. They showed a few clips of Terrell Davis and asked Mark Schlereth to describe his teammate. Mark said, in all seriousness, "THAT GUY…was a FOOTBALL PLAYER. [stares into camera]".

Should Brett Favre switch to maybe a smaller number…?

This question is funnier than any joke I can possibly make about it. Sometimes, you just have to know when not to remix a classic. I almost wrote "when to not remix a classic", but I'm all about not splitting infinitives now. Splitting infinitives used to be cool, but now I can only enjoy it ironically.

The new name for the Nets?

I remember reading "Brooklyn Bridges" somewhere, which I'm a huge fan of for several reasons. First, it's a name which is unique to the area. The Brooklyn Bridge is iconic. I hate when a team tries to be "fierce" with its nickname – it's the ugly sibling of being "sleek" with its uniform. Second, it hints at the potential international appeal of the team now that Mikhail Prokharov is in charge.

NFL Fever on XBOX was a lot of fun because it melded the best elements of Blitz and Madden. NFL Herpes on XBOX was way less fun, and I can see why Microsoft pulled the plug on its line of football games. Anyway, in that game (I think) you were able to play as a team dressed in suits and ties called the Lawyers or something. Similarly, my friend Steve and I had the idea to start a football team in Williamsburg named the Brooklyn Hipsters. Our home uniforms would be cutoff jhorts and undersized Christian Laettner Dream Team jerseys. Dov Charney Memorial Stadium would be packed for two weeks, but then people would stop showing up because we were too popular. Then, in five seasons, people would be fans of the franchise again because we were vintage.

The concession stands would sell nothing but moonshine and beef jerky. We'd play songs from Rocky on the P.A. system because we're not from Philadelphia (this is actually something that real franchises do that I cannot stand. Rocky was not from San Antonio, Mr. Spurs Audio Guy).

Segway President dies falling off a cliff on a Segway? What is the most ironic death ever?

This was actually a bit sad. The man, Jimi Heselden, was a billionaire philanthropist who apparently did a lot of great things for his hometown. He smoothly transitioned into being the president of Segway from being the president of something unrelated in a way which did not seem forced.

Best fantasy team name you've heard?

This is very, very difficult. I'm reminded of the classic Simpsons quote in the episode where Homer joins a barbershop quartet. He and his three friends are looking for a band name, and they agree that it has to be something "which is clever at first, but gets progressively less clever every time you hear it." All fantasy names are like that, even the best ones.

What's a better system: a regular season where individual games are essentially meaningless and only the playoffs matter (the team has to get hot at the right time) or one in which EVERY game counts (EPL, college football) and your season can end if you mess up in the first game of the season? I think that the former system is more in line with the American spirit of the underdog always has a shot, otherwise we would still remember the 2007 Pats as the greatest ever. What do you think?

Interesting question. I love the life-or-death nature of college football but it's tough to top NFL playoff weekends. The MLB regular season is horrible, but I love how baseball only allows four teams into its postseason every year. MLB postseason membership is pretty elitist. Most of the teams only got in because their respective dads went there. I WAS PRESIDENT OF THE PAN-ASIAN ROTARY COMMUNITY SERVICE RED CROSS CLUB AND I DIDN'T GET INTO THE MLB POSTSEASON!!!!!!

…..

I really enjoyed the questions, so thanks to my friends for coming up with them. Keep them coming. In my picks league, I had another terrible week and went 6-8. Dan is two picks ahead of Vadim for the top spot, and I'm eight behind Dan. I won the championship last year and my title defense continues to suck, though I've always been a fan of the phrase "Super Bowl Hangover" because I can pretend that Sean Payton was blackout drunk during the title game. Hopefully I start to get hot in Week 6. Home teams are in bold, wish me luck:

Chicago Bears (-6.5) over Seattle Seahawks

Can't trust an NFC West team on the road.

Baltimore Ravens over New England Patriots (-2.5)

Justin Bieber actually made fun of Tom Brady's hair this week. The rap lyrics in which he did it were completely nonsensical – the line to set up the Brady diss was "Sacked like a sacker." Believing in the Patriots right now is similar to liking Nutella or MGMT; defensibly quirky, but not really bold.

New York Giants (-10.5) over Detroit Lions

The Giants' running game and defense has been so impressive recently that Manning threw three picks last week, on the road against a great offense, and the team still won by 24 points. I assume The Book of Eli was mostly just Denzel wandering around in the desert and throwing interceptions.

Philadelphia Eagles (-1.5) over Atlanta Falcons

The Eagles are the best team in the NFC right now, and the Falcons are a complete fraud. This team could easily be 2-3 if it weren't for two plays: Nate Clements pulling a Marlon McCree and Garrett Hartley missing a 29 yard field goal.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-13.5) over Cleveland Browns

Colt McCoy is an awesome name for a gunslinging quarterback, but sadly Colt McCoy was apparently born without bones in his right shoulder. I think he'll be injured by halftime, then Josh Cribbs will come in and play admirably in a losing effort. I would love this situation because it reminds of the few times per year when a random utility infielder has to be a relief pitcher in baseball because the manager already used the other pitchers.

Green Bay Packers (-1.5) over Miami Dolphins

Big statement game for the Packers. I feel like too many people have hopped off the Green Bay bandwagon. This team is good enough to make the Super Bowl and lose by twenty to Pittsburgh. I live with a Steelers fan and he's gonna be walkin' around here like Scuba Steve braggin' about how much action he got once the Steelers win the title.

San Diego Chargers over St. Louis Rams (+8.5)

The Chargers are the anti-Falcons in the sense that they should be 4-1 if it wasn't for special teams debacles in Seattle and Oakland. I believe in "football efficiency", in that whichever team won a given game was the better team and deserved to win. Is this contradictory? Yes, and doublethink is doubleplusungood.

Tampa Bay Bucs (+5.5) over New Orleans Saints

Kansas City Chiefs over Houston Texans (-4.5)

I'm all over the Chiefs bandwagon. Great uniforms too – simple, classic, elegant.

San Francisco 49ers (-6.5) over Oakland Raiders

David Carr, Jesse Palmer, Jim Sorgi, Jared Lorenzen, Danny Kannell, Kent Graham, Dave Brown, Kurt Warner, Kerry Collins. Random Giants backups from over the years.

New York Jets over Denver Broncos (+3.5)

In 2008, Brett Favre led the Jets to a win over the previously undefeated Titans to get the Jets to 8-4 and everyone thought the Jets were on their way to winning the AFC. The next week, they got slaughtered by the Broncos in the Meadowlands and the season soon fell apart. Last week, the Jets had a similarly huge win and people like me think that they're the second best team in the league. I don't think they're gonna blow it this time. Jets win big.

In fact, the league hierarchy looks so different than it did for the last decade. Basically, each year, the Colts and Pats were the top two teams in the regular season and it surprising when one of them didn't win the title. Here's how the league looks now:

Tier One: Steelers, Jets, Ravens (in order)
Tier Two: Colts, Patriots
Tier Three: Chiefs, Texans, Saints, Chargers, Titans Packers, Eagles, Giants, Falcons (not in order)
Tier Four: Bucs, Redskins, Vikings, Bears

Surprising, but the gap between Tier One and the rest of the league is huge.

Indianapolis Colts over Washington Redskins (+3.5)

Jacksonville Jaguars (+3.5) over Tennessee Titans

And the game of the week:

Dallas Cowboys (-1.5) over Minnesota Vikings

I'm only picking the Cowboys because they're my favorite team. I fully expect Randy Moss to single-handedly eviscerate Dallas the way he has done since 1998, and I expect Bill Cowher to be the Cowboys' coach by halftime.

Last Week: 6-8
Season: 31-43

The Gunslinger

The allegations against Brett Favre aren't pretty. Favre's supposed actions are gross, but I have to say I'm a little impressed that he knows how to text pictures to people. I can imagine Favre's train of thought: "ok…share picture…as email? No, I'll just MMS her…chicks dig MMS…". Too bad the women in question didn't have iPhones, because from what I understand Favre actually send the lewd images in the form of an elaborate Flash video as a meta-comment on Apple's unseemly refusal to carry the popular multimedia platform.

The main reason the Favre story is so interesting is the bind in which the NFL finds itself. I thought Peyton Manning was the face of the NFL, but a June 2010 poll by Harris Interactive showed that Brett Favre is actually America's favorite football player. Favre's misconduct, if true, is disgusting. But will the NFL have the stones to suspend its sacred cow?

The second reason the Favre scandal is so interesting is because every NFL pundit in the country was just told that Santa Claus doesn't exist. Favre has been the media's favorite player for a long time, and every Favre apologist now has egg all over his face. I imagine the media will react as follows:

Mark Schlereth: "(lowers voice) guys, if I'm heading into a fight in a dark alley...(raises voice) I STILL TAKE BRETT FAVRE, because MOST fights...99.9% OF THE TIME…require someone to take pictures of his [expletive]."

Jon Gruden: "If I'm Brad Childress…I find a way to GET. THIS. GUY. INVOLVED. THIS GUY. CAN STILL. MAKE PLAYS. Jaws?"

Ron Jaworski: "Guys, I had a chance to break down the video of Favre's alleged misconduct in the film room this week. From the goal line cam, we can see Favre change the camera settings from sepia to color at the last moment. The defense is slow to adjust out of its base 4-3 defense. Fullback Naufahu Tahi is able to get a chip block on good judgement, giving Favre time to sling some [expletive] at a female employee. By choosing to send the picture as a high resolution image, Favre shows that he's still the gunslinger of old and is not afraid to use data out there. Great execution from the future Hall of Famer."

Keith Olbermann: "SIR HAVE YOU NO SHAME SIR? SIR WHEREFORE ART THOU WHENCEFORTH ERGO MORROW, SIR????"

Glenn Beck: "(uncontrollable sobbing in front of a chalkboard connecting Favre's [expletive], the United Auto Workers, Karl Marx, TARP and Nancy Pelosi)."

Rick Reilly: "Hey guys, remember Kelly Clarkson? I mean, am I right?"

On an unrelated note, Jason Whitlock has been the most consistently hilarious/insightful writer in 2010 and his Favre article was great. Whitlock has been calling Rick Reilly "RiMarcus Reilly" since Reilly signed an enormous contract with ESPN just to write crappy articles which read like mad-libs based on pop-culture from 2005. Rick Reilly probably doesn't abuse codeine though, so the comparison breaks down after a while.

Whatever was left of Favre's image as an aw-shucks, good ol' southern boy was pretty much shattered by his decision to drop his Wranglers and take some pictures. Peter King tweeted that the issue wasn't that Favre was hitting on these women, but that he sent them lewd pictures. I disagree. It would be a slightly different story if the women weren't Jets employees and some consensual gunslinging had occurred. Favre would still be a jerk for cheating on his wife, but at least then he wouldn't have been a creeper. But this is not the case. You can't be harassing people at work, especially since the women already rejected Favre before he persisted and sent the photos. He deserves a suspension assuming the allegations are true.

Final thoughts on the Favre issue: THAT IS A DISGUSTING ACT BY RANDY MOSS!!!

I treaded water in my picks league last week, but my friend Dan is slowly pulling away. He's the leader with a record of 32-30, which is seven games better than me. Home teams in bold. Wish me luck:

Oklahoma City Bills (+1.5) over Jacksonville Jaguars

Love the Bills home fans. Plus, Buffalo was able to keep things close against Miami and New England, and the Jaguars are not as good as either of those teams. The Jets are the league's second best team, so there is no shame in losing to them by three touchdowns. I will take a shot of Polish cherry liqueur out of a bowling ball if the Bills win this game.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers over Cincinnati Bengals (-6.5)

Atlanta Falcons over Cleveland Browns (+3.5)

St. Louis Rams over Detroit Lions (-3.5)

Kansas City Chiefs over Indianapolis Colts (-8.5)

I actually like the Chiefs and Rams this year – two well-coached teams who don't beat themselves. Two weird plays have prevented the Colts from being 4-0 this season: Austin Collie's fumble in the Texans game and the tipped interception in the Jaguars game. Still, I think the Colts only win this one by a field goal.

Washington Redskins (+2.5) over Green Bay Packers

Here are the keys to the game for the Skins according the Darryl Johnston: Limit turnovers, pressure Aaron Rodgers, and make big plays when they are available. Make sure Mike McCarthy doesn't get those before the game Moose – you might blow Shanahan's entire game plan. Let's check in with Tony Siragusa down on the field:

"GUYS I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW LOUD IT IS DOWN HERE!!!"

Carolina Panthers (+2.5) over Chicago Bears

I kind of like how Chicago's football and basketball teams are called the Bulls and Bears, respectively. Respectively, damnit!!! That kind of means "each".

Denver Broncos over Baltimore Ravens (-7.5)

Baltimore has the best pass defense in the league, but they played against the Jets (before Sanchez got good), Bengals (Palmer sucks) and Steelers (love Charlie Batch, but come on). Denver has the best passing offense and should be able to keep this close.

Terrelle Pryor (-3.5) over Denard Robinson

I'm still bummed out over Michigan's loss to Michigan State yesterday. Denard Robinson had an awful game and Ohio State's Pryor is now the favorite to win the Heisman. Two new reasons to hate Ohio State more than I already did: More family ties to Michigan as of September 2010 and LeBron James won't stop tweeting about how awesome his Buckeyes are.

New York Giants over Houston Texans (-3.5)

Arizona Cardinals (+7.5) over New Orleans Saints

San Diego Chargers over Oakland Raiders (+6.5)

San Francisco 49ers (-3.5) over Philadelphia Eagles

Dallas Cowboys (-6.5) over Tennessee Titans

Need to align my gambling and rooting interests. Hopefully Dallas wins and the Eagles lose.

New York Jets (-4.5) over Minnesota Vikings

As I wrote last week, I am a huge Randy Moss supporter. He's the most thoughtful and interesting player in the league. Why? Because when every player gives some boring variant on "We just gotta execute out there", Moss says what he thinks. I hope he goes into broadcasting when he retires – he could easily be the Charles Barkley of the NFL. I want Moss to put up 20 touchdowns over the next 13 games and the Patriots' offense to crash. Wes Welker is a great slot receiver…but then, Todd Bouman was a great quarterback when he got to play with Randy Moss.

Last Week: 7-7
Season: 25-37.

Less is More

Earlier this week, Indianapolis Colts President Bill Polian said that an 18-game schedule was a "fait acompli". I'm surprised Polian is whining to change the rules, since it's not like the Colts lost to the New England 16GameSeasons in last year's postseason. Anyway, I sincerely hope the players' union shows some resolve and refuses to agree to the expanded season.

Product dilution is the reason no one my age cares about the NHL or MLB. The NFL doesn't have this problem yet. Let's hope it stays that way.

I had another awful picks week in Week 3, going 6-10 and falling five games back of the leader. I need to put together a rich, gorgeous week – empty of the post glo-fi melodrama and dark irony which defined the past decade. The last sentence is what I imagine it would look like if hipster music website Pitchfork made NFL picks. Week 4, wish me luck:

Atlanta Falcons (-6.5) over San Francisco 49ers

Pickup football games are determined by talent, but NFL games are determined by organization and execution. Mike Smith is part of a Baltimore coaching lineage which includes Rex Ryan and Marvin Lewis. Mike Singletary believes that pants are optional. Lots of people make jokes about how Singletary looks a little like a turtle, but they have to remember that his ability to avoid pelicans and make it to the ocean shortly after his birth is what made him one of the greatest linebackers in NFL history.

In all seriousness, I watched an NFL Films show where Singletary, Smith, Ryan, Lewis, Jack Del Rio and John Harbaugh were seated at a round table and spent half an hour discussing Ray Lewis. The show, like everything ever made by NFL Films, was fantastic. I think Singletary is a good defensive coach and excellent motivator, but his offense is chronically underprepared - which is similar to being acutely underprepared but it lasts longer.

New York Jets over The Los Angeles Bills of Anaheim and Toronto (+5.5)

In our picks league, there are a few games which everyone picks the same way. For example, no one picked the Jaguars to cover against Philadelphia last week. This means that only four or five games have enough variance to generate differentiation in the overall picks standings. Early on in the season, there is no need to take on excessive risk and "try to be a hero". If I'm still five or six games back in Week 17, I'll have to pick ridiculous upsets and hope I get lucky. What I'm saying is, there's no way I'm picking the Bills in Week 4.

I remember a few years ago, after the Sonics left Seattle, everyone was rightfully disgusted with the NBA. We might have been disgusted by the NBA, but most of us weren't sure if the correct phrasing is "disgusted with" or "disgusted by". Still, I feel horrible for Buffalo and I sincerely hope those fans get to keep their team. I was never a Bills fan, but those fans and those old school jerseys ('90s, not '70s) generated so many happy memories for me as a kid. I remember Thurman Thomas's goofy facemask and Wade "Rob Johnson is a Good Idea" Phillips making horrible decisions. I remember Marv Levy and Frank Reich and the ridiculous Oilers/Bills playoff game – not because I watched it, but because it's canonized in NFL lore. And, you'd have to be heartless not to love small market teams with devoted fan bases. Did you know that there is a Bills fan named Ken Johnson who has been giving away free shots of Polish cherry liqueur during his Orchard Park tailgates for the last twenty years? If the Bills move and the NFL expands to 18 games, I'd improbably hate NFL management more than I hate NBA management. Actually, Stu Jackson will probably suspend Kevin Garnett for breathing on LeBron James for Game 7 of next year's Eastern Conference Finals, so he'll still be worse. But it will be close.

Cleveland Browns (+3.5) over Cincinnati Bengals

Green Bay Packers (-14.5) over Detroit Lions

If the Lions were healthy, I'd pick them to cover.

Denver Broncos over Tennessee Titans (-6.5)

During the promos for last week's Colts-Broncos game, the voiceover said something like "Manning and Orton prepare for a duel in Denver!" Orton's not bad, but I don't think he belongs in the same sentence as Manning. He probably doesn't even belong in the same language. If that promo were written in Cyrillic, then it might be acceptable.

Seattle Seahawks over St. Louis Rams (+.5)

This game could cause an existential crisis in St. Louis if fans extrapolate the meaninglessness of this game to life in general. Aujourd'hu, le Premier Show du Turf est morte. Ou peut etre hier, je ne sais pas.

New Orleans Saints (-13.5) over Carolina Panthers

I expect a blowout.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-1.5) over Baltimore Ravens

Finally, a game worth writing about. The Steelers have been the most impressive team in the league through three weeks. I originally picked the Ravens in this game before flip-flopping. I thought that it would be too difficult for Charlie Batch to play well against the Ravens' defense, but then I realized that the Steelers' defense is better than Baltimore's and Batch is better than Flacco. Plus, teams have been able to run on Baltimore this year.

Announcers will say things like "YOU BETTER STRAP ON YOUR HELMETS FOR A BRAWL IN PITTSBURGH!!!" What bothers me is that if Green Bay played New Orleans, they'd be fetishizing "TWO TEAMS WHO CAN REALLY SCORE ON YA! IT'LL BE A BARNBURNER!!!!" What do announcers really like? I feel as if they're cheating on me. Dan Dierdorf, you broke my heart.

Intelligent Design over Evolution (+3.5)

Manatees and Wade Phillips are what caused me to question evolution this week. Come on, have you ever seen a manatee? All they do is float there like idiots and eat all day and get hit by boats. I have similar arguments for Wade Phillips. Unless manatees were playing in the NFC West, there's no way they could possibly be considered the "fittest" of anything.

Indianapolis Colts over Jacksonville Jaguars (+8.5)

Houston Texans over Oakland Raiders (+3.5)

Arizona Cardinals over San Diego Chargers (-8.5)

Washington Redskins over Philadelphia Eagles (-6.5)

Rooting for the Redskins here, so I might as well pick them.

New York Giants (-3.5) over Chicago Bears

The talking heads on Around the Horn this week were lauding the Bears for being "THE LAST UNDEFEATED TEAM IN THE NFC! YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND FOOTBALLL!!!!!!". The Bears could easily be 1-2.

Miami Dolphins (-.5) over New England Patriots

Any team that gives up 30 points to Buffalo needs help on defense. I love Tom Brady's Michigan connection. Denard Robinson has brought me enough happiness to take the edge off of each Cowboys loss.

One final note: my friends and I are going to Atlantic City on Thursday night for fall break. Hopefully I can get a few good
stories out of it.

Last Week: 6-10

Season: 18-30

The Princeton Offense

Pete Caril, the head coach of the Princeton Tigers basketball team for thirty seasons, developed what is known as the Princeton Offense. The scheme calls for exceptionally well coached players to execute intricately designed plays with precision. Jason Garrett, the offensive coordinator for the Dallas Cowboys and a Princeton graduate, has a slight variant of this with my beloved Cowboys in which poorly coached players wander around aimlessly with 8:1 Super Bowl odds and "Yakkity Sax" playing in the background.

The Cowboys' offense has become stale and predictable. "Predictable" is a word more closely associated with the Eagles' offense, though I think "creepy" fits for them as well since Andy Reid usually opts to distribute candy to children from unmarked vans on third and short. He later challenges his ability to do so, and invariably loses.

I'm three games back of the leader in my picks league after a reasonable 8 win performance in Week 2. Home teams in bold:

San Francisco over Kansas City (+2.5)

I picked the Chiefs to make the playoffs before the season started. Granted, I made the pick in 2009, but still. I could have just acted like every economist and financial analyst of the last two years and said I'm "cautiously optimistic" about the Chiefs future. Why? Because if things go well, I can point to my optimism; if not, I will remind you that I was cautious this whole time anyway. I hate CNBC.

Baltimore (-10.5) over Cleveland

Josh Cribbs and Jerome Harrison are both questionable today, making a terrible offense even worse. Eric Mangini almost had a great coaching career – in his first season, he beat the Pats once and led the Jets to an unlikely playoff berth. After his second season was marred by a slew of injuries, his season three team started off 8-4 and beat the then-undefeated Tennessee Titans by 3 touchdowns in Week 12. Mangini was in commercials for cell phones in the tri-state area. Soon, Favre hurt his elbow, the Jets collapsed, and Mangini got fired. Now he's in Cleveland and he'll probably be fired after this season. Mangini will have won something like six games over two years by the time this season ends – making him the early favorite to be hired by Buffalo in 2012.

Houston (-2.5) over Dallas

I used to say that I would never pick against Dallas since I didn't want conflicting gambling/rooting interests. I looked through the rest of their schedule, and Dallas could finish 4-12 if they get a couple of lucky breaks, but 2-14 is more likely.

Detroit (-10.5) over Minnesota

Jason Whitlock and Bill Simmons have been pushing the idea that Favre would rather be in Mississippi than Minnesota. Since they are the only two sportswriters I read regularly, they hold a disproportionate amount of influence in the way I think about sports, barbecue and season 2 of "90210". Detroit is another reason for Clevelanders to feel crummy about their sports team. The Lions hired a hungry coach instead of a retread and have a nucleus of Stafford, Johnson and Suh around which they can build.

New England (-13.5) over Buffalo

Actually, Clevelanders can feel good that they aren't Bills fans. As Mark Schlereth might say, "(leans in quietly) chan gailey strikes me as a coach who has lost the hearts and minds of this football team. (loudly) THAT'S NOT HOW YOU WIN FOOTBALL GAMES IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!!"

New Orleans (-4.5) over Atlanta

It's possible that the 2010 Falcons are like the 2009 Bengals – a team whose games I pick incorrectly for 15 games.

Tennessee over New York Giants (-3.5)

The Giants defense is horrible and I wouldn't trust Eli Manning to cover this spread or perform quadruple bypass surgery. Only one of these trust issues is relevant, but Eli and I should do trust falls just in case.

Pittsburgh over Tampa Bay (+2.5)

I think the Bucs changed the color of their pants, which is a huge reason for me to pick against them. If my Mark Schlereth Quote Generator is something like "(soft, pseudo-political statement dripping with morality transitioning into LOUD PSEUDO-POLITICAL STATEMENT DRIPPING WITH MORALITY!!!)" then my Jon Gruden Quote Generator is "(nonsense nonsense nonsense cliché cliché nonsense, Jaws?)". For example, "Guys, I'm not so sure that that the BUCS PANTS don't change…the CULTURE OF THAT LOCKER ROOM….Jaws?". Gruden used to be my favorite coach after his amazing work in Oakland and Tampa Bay, and I honestly hope that Jerry Jones throws $50 million at him or Cowher to come coach the Cowboys. But that doesn't change the fact that Gruden is the worst analyst on TV.

Cincinatti over Carolina (+3.5)
Oakland over Arizona (-4.5)

I will not be watching either of these games

Philadelphia over the Los Angeles Jaguars (+2.5)

I can't wait for the Los Angeles Jaguars to play the Toronto Bills in London in Week 18 of the 2013 season. Thank you Roger Goodell for ruining everything.

Washington Redskins over St. Louis Rams (+3.5)

I think Sam Bradford has looked decent through two weeks, but then, so did Ryan Leaf. Ryan Leaf has become the Hitler of NFL quarterback comparisons. In politics, lazy media personalities will say things like "…and you know who ELSE did that?! HITLER!" Ryan Leaf had a brief stint as the starting quarterback in Dallas.

Indianapolis over Denver (+6.5)

Champ Bailey is hurt and the Broncos weren't good enough to beat the Jaguars. Since Week 6 last year, I can't think of a single thing that Broncos fans can be happy about unless, you know, they had a child or found a better job or something. Sports probably mean too much to us.

San Diego over Seattle (+5.5)

The NFL Network is currently airing an incredible miniseries in which they count down the Top 100 Players in NFL History. I know that the point of the list is to be more historic than accurate – in other words, for the entire body of work to serve as a celebration of the league's history and not a definitive list of excellence. Still, the only reason to make lists is to argue about them. And come on! Randy Moss and LaDanian Tomlinson in the mid-'60s??? The top two non-QB offensive talents over the last twelve years aren't top-30?

Randy Moss is the reason the '07 Patriots and '98 Vikings combined to go 34-3* including postseason play. The '07 Patriots are the highest scoring offense of all time…topping only the '98 Vikings. Brian Billick was the offensive coordinator in Minnesota in '98 and can thank Moss for getting him a job as the Ravens head coach (even though the Ravens' offense always sucked with Billick in charge). The search for the next Randy Moss is the reason Matt Millen drafted something like four hundred wide receivers with a top-5 draft pick. Packers GM Ted Thompson's mind-boggling refusal to pay Randy Moss market value is the reason Brett Favre left the Packers and ended up destroying his own legacy.

I meant to write something about Tomlinson as well, but that Randy Moss rant really took a lot out of me. I write when I want to write.

New York Jets
(+1.5) over Miami

Miami is a very good team. But the Jets' Week 2 win over the Patriots could act as a catalyst for this team to go on a winning streak or, at the very least, what Krusty the clown refers to as "the bender to end all benders". I love the Michigan Wolverines but I'm disgusted by Braylon Edwards's actions. Braylon should have done what all college kids do after a night out – namely, stumbled into WaWa at 5 am and purchased 3,500 calories worth of food. That and not driven.

Green Bay (-3.5) over Chicago

Mike Martz has been the recipient of a lot of love from the pundit class this week. Here are some things to keep in mind:

1. His wins came against Detroit (the Bears only scored 19 points) and Dallas (the Cowboys suck).
   
2. The Greatest Show on Turf was created by Dick Vermeil, not Mike Martz. Martz took Vermeil's roster and talent and turned it into Marc Bulger and zero Super Bowl wins.
   
3. The 2001 Patriots are clearly the least talented champion of the last 15 years. Martz played into Bellichick's hands by refusing to run the offense through Marshall Faulk – the league's MVP that year. I'm not taking anything away from what the 2001 Patriots did – they were a smart, gritty team which played the game the right way (vomits). But Martz's arrogance cost the Rams a second title.
   
4. After Martz left the Rams, he went 10-19 in two seasons as Detroit's coach before becoming the 49ers' offensive coordinator. Martz's Wikipedia page actually includes the quote "Martz lobbied for journeyman J.T. O'Sullivan" to be the team's quarterback. Again, this man does not have great judgement.
   

Last Week: 8-8
Season: 12-20

America’s Game

When I was 17, I invested a significant amount of money in a company which makes discount HDTVs. Seven months later, I learned that equity holders do not fare very well during bankruptcy proceedings and that many of these equity holders are subject to getting yelled at by their respective mothers. Mom is a big fan of portfolio diversification.

I haven't wagered with real money since. Still, my friends and I pick every NFL game against the spread for fun each week. Last year, I picked 13 of 16 games correctly in Week 17 to complete an improbable run to the league championship. I was clearly affected by some sort of championship hangover, since I started out 2010 with a Week 1 record of 4-12. It's early in the season, but I am in last place by six games.

Chris Berman had a running joke where he picked Buffalo to play San Francisco in the Super Bowl every year for nearly two decades. I shy away from easy predictions because few predictions are correct anyway, and it's better to be thought provoking than correct in this context (did I mention my stock portfolio went to $0?). My two bold predictions for the 2010 NFL season have been with me for over a month now, though admittedly they are being posted a week late. One seems smart and the other doesn't.

1. The New England Patriots will miss the playoffs.
   

   
   

   This prediction is already looking weak. The Pats have the chance to reassert themselves as the class of the AFC if they stomp Rex Ryan and the Jets this Sunday. Rex, like his father Buddy, is a great defensive coach with an inability to develop potent offenses. Also, each has the first name of a dog. I expect Sparky Ryan to take over the Browns by Week 6.
   

   
   

2. The Washington Redskins will make the playoffs.
   

   
   

   Bill Simmons is the most popular sportswriter in the country, and the fact that I am calling the Skins my sleeper team 7 days and one victory after he did makes it seem as though this prediction is unoriginal. Nobody denies this.
   

   
   

   But, I've been touting Washington's chances all offseason. Last year, they lost 3 games in a row to the Eagles (up 10 in the 4^th quarter), Cowboys (lost 7-6 as Washington's kicker missed 2 easy FGs) and Saints (up 10 with 2 minutes left). I figured Shanahan and McNabb are enough to swing those close games in Washington's favor, as well as rectify embarrassing losses to Kansas City, Detroit and Carolina. And even if Alex Barron is the best player on their team so far, at least this prediction still has a chance of being right.
   

   
   

   On the other hand, Rex Grossman is the backup QB, and he sucks at being QB almost as much as I do at picking NFL games. Week 2 (home teams in bold):
   

Arizona (+6.5) over Atlanta

Atlanta is getting a lot of love from prognosticators and, presumably, Ron Mexico. I don't want to pick the Falcons primarily because they are an incredibly boring team to watch. At least with the Cardinals, I can remember how awesome the Kurt Warner/Larry Fitzgerald Kennedy connection was. I can even remember how awesome the Jake Plummer/Frank Sanders connection was. But the most exciting offensive sequence in Falcons history was three plays with Deion Sanders in 1992.

Cincinnati (+1.5) over Baltimore.

Ray Rice looks amazing and will get plenty of red zone touches, unlike last week. You'd have to be a complete moron to turn down a trade of Ray Rice and Jeremy Shockey for Jamaal Charles and Jermichael Finley. I hope my fantasy football trade counterparty is reading this. Seriously though, that is a completely fair trade.

Kansas City (+1.5) over Cleveland

If Jake Delhomme can't play, Seneca Wallace will start for the Browns. Wallace was the league's MVP from 2006-2008 as he led the Cowboys to a record of 55-2 with three titles over that time period. Madden used to be awesome.

Dallas (-8.5) over Chicago

Alex Barron and Jason Garrett are worth 14 points to the other team. So really, this spread is Dallas by 22.5. Still, despite my pessimism for my favorite team's 2010 chances, I hate picking against my own rooting interest.

Philadelphia (-3.5) over Detroit

I hope Matthew Stafford is healthy if only because he looks like chubby Matt Damon.

Green Bay (-13.5) over Buffalo

Last year's Saints and the 2007 Patriots used to beat bad teams at home by at least three touchdowns. If the Packers can't do that, then…it means nothing because championships are decided in February. But, ESPN has a lot of airtime to fill, so there. I think the only way that ESPN could entertain me at this point is if I could watch a video of Mark Schlereth reacting to the news that the Bengals signed Manny Ramirez to be their tight end. "THIS MAN HAS NO RESPECT FOR THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!!!"

Tennessee (-5.5) over Pittsburgh

Every few years, Tennessee goes 13-3 and loses to Baltimore in its first playoff game. We're overdue.

Miami (+5.5) over Minnesota

The longest kick I ever made in a game was a 58-yarder with Olindo Mare to beat the Vikings.

Carolina (-2.5) over Tampa Bay

Guys! I found a great website where we can stream this game! WE WILL NOT MISS THIS SHOWDOWN!!!

Seattle
(+3.5) over Denver

Bill Belichick's coaching tree sucks, though at least Josh McDaniels is now the leading candidate to be Kansas City's 2011 water boy.

Oakland (-4.5) over St. Louis

Oakland is terrible, but my guess is that an interception-return touchdown will allow the Raiders to cover the spread.

Jets (+1.5) over New England

The Jets offense sucks. But there's no way that Brian Schottenheimer and Rex Ryan are dumb enough to try to run the offense through Mark Sanchez again. If the Jets run the ball 30 times – which they can do effectively against the Patriots – their defense is good enough to win the game.

San Diego (-7.5) over Jacksonville

The Jaguars will probably be playing in Los Angeles by 2013 anyway, so this is a crosstown rivalry as far as I'm concerned. The Chargers used to remind me of the Dallas Mavericks or Phoenix Suns – incredibly talented, fun to watch teams with charismatic superstars and a history of heartbreaking playoff losses. With the loss of Tomlinson, the Chargers are now the Suns without Nash or the Mavs without Dirk. No longer any reason to pull for them.

Houston (-2.5) over Washington

I wish the Texans played the 49ers this week in the Chick-Fil-A Preseason Hype Bowl, because the Texans would crush San Francisco and finally validate all the preseason love. I'm on the bandwagon.

Indianapolis (-5.5) over New York

I'm not picking against Jim Caldwell. Caldwell's career record in September is 4-1, and you just can't argue with those numbers.

New Orleans (-4.5) over San Francisco

At first, I thought this line said Saints -45, in which case it might make sense.

Last week: 4-12

Season: 4-12

Hiatus

To both people who read this: on hiatus since June due to work, but I'll be back in late August with more updates.

If a blog falls in a forest and no one reads it, does it make a sound?

Ocean City, Maryland

I used to enjoy having being younger than most of my friends. For some reason, as a child, I assumed this meant that I got to live longer even if it meant being shorter and skinnier than my peers. Obviously, this was pretty dumb reasoning. Being younger than all of your friends stops being fun right after your 20^th birthday.

My friend Dan and I are the last in our group of friends to turn 21. This means that while everyone else gets to go to bars, Dan and I recreate my social life from age 11 to age 16. Basically, I have enough time to start a Madden franchise and play through the 2027 season. As an aside, I always hated how Madden allows players to take storied franchises with deep ties to the local community – such as the Packers or Steelers – and move them to hundreds of locations in the country, including Puerto Rico…but not to any cities in New Jersey. Yes, the geniuses at EA Sports will allow you to take the Giants and move them so home games are played in Yellowstone National Park or something, but I can't move the Jaguars to Newark.

Another friend of mine, Jon, came up with a list of the worst possible fake IDs which one can use. This was inspired by a story of a time that this kid we both knew actually took a novelty McLovin ID from a Superbad promotion and used it at a bar, and the bouncer thought it was so funny that he let the kid in. Jon's list included:

1. A Dominique Wilkins jersey
   
2. The limited edition director's cut of the movie 21, in which a talented group of misfits from MIT takes on Vegas…and wins! (spoiler alert)
   
3. An index card with the number 21 written in Sharpie. *must have charisma and/or moxie to get away with this one
   

Neil, previously mentioned in my recap of the Toronto Spring Break trip, turned 21 over Memorial Day weekend. Dan, Mike, me, Nate, Neil and eight of Neil's high school friends chipped in and rented a house in Ocean City, Maryland to celebrate. As mentioned, Dan and I aren't 21 so our weekend was considerably tamer than the ones everyone else experienced. Still a great trip though.

Thursday 12:15 pm – 2:15 pm

Technically, not part of the trip, but this time period certainly affected my travel plans. I had to drive my friend Ojus to the Department of Motor Vehicles to update his license since he too had recently turned 21. The DMV remains a model of efficiency matched only by Comcast's tech support and the Philadelphia Eagles' 2-Minute Drill. I had intended to leave Jersey by 1:00 pm but was delayed nearly two hours.

Thursday 3:30 pm – 8:00 pm

The Drive. If I were John Elway, I would just capitalize everyday verbs so I could make them feel epic, though I guess at some point they begin to look like titles to Seinfeld episodes (The Deal, The Fix-Up, etc.). Thank god the annoying writers from Friends didn't work in sports journalism in the 1980s, or Elway's exploits would all have titles like The One With the Drive or The One With No Regard for His Body, First Down Denver.

Unlike Elway, I actually went into Baltimore. I had to stop there on my way south in order to pick up a friend. The first thing I saw from the highway was the shipyard made famous by Season 2 of The Wire. Baltimore on its surface doesn't seem so bad – nice skyline, sparkling football stadium, plenty of waterfront areas. But I guess the genius of The Wire was exposing the corruption and urban decay that lurk slightly below the surface – even though tourists like me are completely oblivious to it.

Thursday 9:00 pm – 12:00 pm

I left Neil's and went to my cousin's for dinner and to watch Game 5 of the Suns-Lakers series. For the past decade, I would mark the end of the season for a given league in two ways. First, the season was pretty much done the day Nets or Cowboys were eliminated. But, I would breathe a sigh of relief and consider the season truly over once the Lakers and Eagles were prevented from claiming the championship. Once those teams were out, I could enjoy the rest of postseason play stress free.

Why? Because for most of the past decade, the Nets and Cowboys have sucked. Dallas was great in 2007 and the Nets were decent in a crummy conference for two years, but that's three seasons out of a total twenty combined NFL and NBA years where my teams had a realistic chance of winning a title. In contrast, the Eagles and Lakers are something like fourteen for twenty in terms of combined contending seasons. And I don't hate the Patriots as much as the Eagles because New England wasn't beating Dallas by forty points twice a year for ten years.

So, I was rooting pretty hard for the Suns. Thank god Ron Artest provided me with the following two quotes over the next three days; otherwise I'd be legitimately bummed out by his Game 5 heroics:

"Say Queensbridge!" – to Craig Sager after the game.

"Growing up in New York, if you called someone for charging, you knew someone was getting stabbed after the game." – from a SportsCenter report on how Phil Jackson wanted his team to draw charges in the Finals.

Friday 9:00 am – 2:00 pm

We wake up early to pack and head to the beach. The Friday before Memorial Day is one of the busier traffic days of the year, so we knew ahead of time it was going to be brutal. One of my few talents is the ability to fall asleep during any car ride, which means that instead of being awake for five miserable hours, I went to sleep and woke up at the beach. One of the special features to an extended edition Lord of the Rings DVD said that Elijah Wood used to fall asleep all the time on the set. Again, I really didn't have a social life from age 11 to age 16.

Friday 3:00 pm – 8: 00 pm

I paid something like $39.99 for two slices of pizza before eight of us got a pickup football game going at the beach. I hadn't gunslinged in several months, but gunslinging is a lot like riding a bike – assuming that the bike has no brakes and maybe one tire inflated. In short, I was awful. Still a fun time though.

Mike, who was previously named Gunslinger of the Year for his decision to drive from Philadelphia to Disney World for the night, is a high roller. As the rest of us were putting our groceries away and determining bedding arrangements, Mike called some beach company and began a spirited defense of his title as Gunslinger of the Year. The conversation went as follows:

Mike: Hi, how much does it cost to rent jet skis?

[inaudible response by the other person on the phone]

Mike: Oh ok, thanks. I'll keep you posted. [hangs up]

Jetski would make a great last name for someone from eastern Europe.

Friday 8:00 pm – 9:00 pm

We went to dinner. Ocean City, Maryland is nice, but not as nice as Ocean City, New Jersey. A lot nicer than Seaside though.

Dinner was key since it was the last time I ate a vegetable until Monday at 9:30 pm. In fact, renting a beach house and living with a group of friends is both a lot of fun and incredibly disgusting. For example, my friend Nate claimed he was happy he showered on Sunday morning because it was the exact midpoint of the trip. It was his only shower over 3 days.

When you're at a beach house, a lot of little things that make life livable get taken for granted. For example, no one buys any antibacterial soap. Many people will seek to be magnanimous and state that they will buy some the next time they go on a 7/11 run, but it never happens. Meanwhile, the only groceries we bought were all pseudofoods – Ramen, hot dogs, etc. We would have been better off just pouring salt in oil and drinking it. So to recap, your hands are going to be encrusted in filth because no one buys soap and you're going to be eating nothing but material that put the "stuffs" in foodstuffs. And yet I keep coming back.

Saturday 1:00 pm – 6:00 pm

More football and lounging on the beach. My ankles and knees were killing me from running on the sand all the time. Andre Bynum recently had 70 milliliters of fluid drained from his knee, which are almost two shots of knee fluid with which Ron-Ron can chase down that Hennessy at halftime.

There was a radio blaring 808s and Heartbreak in front of a sign that said Free Magic Show. I don't know what the magician was getting at here.

Saturday 8:00 pm – 9:00 pm

Dinner at a kebab place on the boardwalk. Still no sight of a vegetable. Six or seven of Neil's high school friends came up for the night, which relegated me to the bench. Still, I did a solid job of bailing out failed jokes and staying out of the way – a good performance from a hustles/intangibles standpoint. This was me.

Saturday 11:45 pm

An extra large coffee is purchased.

Sunday 1:00 pm – 6:00 pm

I hung out with our neighbor for a bit and then headed to the beach. I think what bugs me the most about political commentators on Fox and MSNBC (no one watches CNN, whose programming now consists mainly of John King reading assorted Twitter feeds at you) is the insistence on grouping people into monolithic demographics. Nascar dads, soccer moms, the key backgammon seniors block of western Ohio.

The neighbor I met would have made a pundit's head explode. He drove a pickup truck and cursed at the Volkswagen we saw driving by our shared building. But he wasn't religious or into sports. He didn't attend college and worked as a contractor. He didn't hate the government.

Anyway, by Sunday, my diet had consisted of nothing but pseudofoods. I don't know how the hot dog eating contest is legal. The winner usually eats around 60 hot dogs, which comes out to something like 660 grams of fat. This is equivalent to nearly 30 KFC Double Down sandwiches. Identity politics are pretty awful.

I soon spent $60 on boardwalk games trying to win a Brandon Jennings jersey. No dice.

The boardwalk, as required by law, had many of those stores where you can buy t-shirts of things like Calvin wearing a Redskins jersey peeing on the Cowboys logo. Strangely, these stores were also selling tons of sweatshirts with the Monster drink logo. I don't wear energy sweatshirts though, since they make me jittery.

Monday 10:00 am

The drive home begins. Very bittersweet that the weekend was ending – most of us begin work in the days right after Memorial Day, so it was a de facto end to summer vacation.

Monday 6:00 pm

We arrive at Neil's house eight hours after leaving the house. Memorial Day traffic was a dagger, but luckily I fell asleep for most of it.

Monday 9:22 pm

I arrive at my home in New Jersey 223 miles away from Neil's house. As the announcer in N64's Star Wars Episode 1: Podracer would have said, "It's a new course record!" Have I mentioned that I had no social life between the ages of 11 and 16?

Monday 9:30 pm

I eat a vegetable.