A Brief History of Gunslinging

Much ink has been spilled over Brett Favre’s decision to return to the NFL. Favre’s name is synonymous with gunslinging. A gunslinger, of course, is one who plays aggressively – some might say recklessly - and takes huge risks in order to reap rewards. Sometimes these risks pay off and you win the Super Bowl; other times, you end up spending a year playing for the Jets. Personally, I love watching him play and I’m happy to have him back, though I wish it were for any team other than the Vikings. Nevertheless, Favre is far from the first gunslinger in our history. What follows is a look at gunslinging through the ages.

10000 B.C.: Hunter-gatherers finally satisfy their respective mothers by settling down, having some kids, and developing agriculture. First known instance of gunslinging when man decides to suck on cow’s udder, hope for the best.

9000 B.C.: Mesopotamaia develops in one of the more fertile crescents of the time period. Anatomically correct idols built, leading to much giggling among the era’s pubescent population. Spearslinging at an all time high.

3200 - 2500 B.C.: Growth of urbanism in the Indus valley. Earliest recorded evidence of warehouse parties and the written word. Man who created warehouse party is universally celebrated; man who wrote first word soon beheaded for crimes against the state. Brutal Shirt tribe oppresses and ultimately conquers more timid Skins. Vinny Testaverde hits Methusaleh on a slant pattern in the end zone to win first Orange Bowl.

1800 B.C.: Beginning of Shang dynasty in China. Comical obsession with alluvial plains ultimately dooms empire, leaving future military historians to wonder what might have been. Most agree Shang looked great at the combine against a chair.

1728 B.C.: Hammurabi writes his famous code. Crime plummets as “eye for an eye” becomes the law of the land. Number of eyes also plummets. Gunslingers everywhere persecuted for their beliefs, asked to simply manage the game.

500 B.C.: Reforms of Cleisthenes establish Athenian democracy.

478-404 B.C.: Athens dominates Aegean through Delian League. Sadly, when traded to American League, fail to live up to expectations as ERA soars. Parthenon built as gunslinging architects look around Greece and decide “not enough columns”.

399 B.C.: Socrates tried and executed in Athens. Socratic Method, hemlock drinking see surge in popularity.

218 B.C.: Hannibal uses elephants to attack Rome. Romans forced to use A-Wings and tow cables to circle elephants three times in order to get them to trip and explode.

146 B.C.: Romans sack Carthage and Corinth. In a display of horticultural gunslinging, they plant salt so nothing can ever grow again.

60 B.C.: Social disorder emerges in Rome as the empire expands. Attempts at social networking prove fruitless, as most civilians chose to either take black and white pensive photographs of themselves or “become fans of” wheat farming.

46 – 57 A.D.: Missionary journeys of St. Paul. Paul later comes out of retirement to sign with rival Zoroastrians.

313 A.D.: Constantine gunslings with an unprecedented decree of religious tolerance. Huguenots rejoice.

410 A.D.: Visigoths sack Rome, though controversy persists to this day as scholars feel Rome merely slid to allow Visigoths to break Mark Gastineau’s sack record.

600-1400 A.D.: Dark Ages. Human progress lags. Spanish inquire about everything from which God you worship to why you got home so late last night – we agreed to midnight, mister! Gunslinging lags.

850 A.D.: After building huge lead, Mayan civilization collapses.

1354 A.D.: Ottoman empire develops after capture of Gallipoli, later leading to classic Jay-Z line “I ain’t an Ottoman, I’m an Otto…man”.

1470 A.D.: Incan government decides that all farmland is to be state owned. Locals fear this means insertion of government bureaucrat between you and your okra.

1492 A.D.: Columbus slings his way across the Atlantic and successfully finds a passage to India.

1507 A.D.: In least interesting occupation of all time, the Portuguese take Mozambique.

1517 A.D.: Luther publishes 99 Theses, later developed into a Steve Gutenberg vehicle by Disney.

1500 – 1600 A.D.: Renaissance. Gunslingers across Europe reject lives of their fathers, eschewing careers in mudwallowing and corpse fondling to revive art and literature from the classic world. They are branded as “fairly gay” by their contemporaries.

1520 A.D.: Suleiman the Magnificent shatters record for funniest name by a ruler, besting previous mark set by Tamerlane the Your Mother.

1565 A.D.: Potato introduced to Europe from South America. Gunslinging southpaw Seamus O’Flannigan becomes first potato tycoon, later inspiring a very unpopular video game.

1624 A.D.: Dutch purchase Manhattan for 24 beads, a variety of bagels, and several lewd hand gestures.

1640 – 1750 A.D.: The Enlightenment. Rejection of ancient dogma as forward thinking gunslingers embrace reason, science, and logic. They are branded as “fairly gay” by their contemporaries.

1667 A.D.: Russia acquires large areas of Poland, Lithuania, and Northeast Philadelphia. Local entrepreneurs gunsling by serving vodka to kindergarteners.

1762 A.D.: Philosopher Rousseau holds out, demanding a new Social Contract.

1776 A.D.: USA! USA! USA!

1819 A.D.: Singapore founded as a free trade port. Singaporean dockworkers union laments loss of jobs shipped overseas to themselves.

1830 A.D.: In a blow for gunslinging, last Caribbean pirate hanged. 1976 Bucs pay tribute by lovingly refusing to win a game.

1841 A.D.: Ninth President William Harrison gives longest inauguration speech in history, then gets pneumonia and dies.

1841-1845 A.D.: Tenth President John Tyler spends four years repaying the powerful Pneumonia Lobby.

1856 A.D: Senator Preston Brooks beats Senator Charles Sumner with a wooden cane on the floor of the upper chamber, leaving Sumner unable to perform his duties for three years.

1861-1865 A.D.: War of Northern Aggression.

1863 A.D.: Lincoln finally issues Emancipation Proclamation despite pundits warning him against doing so, citing potential loss of key indentured servants bloc in ’64 election.

1864 A.D.: Jefferson Davis taunts the North by grabbing crotch and yelling vulgarities. General Grant responds by burning down Georgia.

1918 A.D.: United States enters World War I in 3^rd quarter; still has fresh legs, able to defeat Germany.

1933 A.D.: Neville Chamberlain, a proud proponent of Martyball, plays it safe by punting on 2^nd down and ceding Czechoslovakia to Germany. Gunslingers everywhere call for his resignation.

1941 -1945 A.D.: USA! USA! USA!

1944 A.D.: High water point of gunslinging, as D-Day fuels the liberation of Europe.

1949 A.D.: Bruce Springsteen born in Long Branch, New Jersey.

1953 A.D.: Ayn Rand publishes Atlas Slinged, the objectivist manifesto. Atomic testing continues in New Mexico, marking the peak of the state's cultural relevance. Since then, it's just...(ahem)...plateaued.

1957 A.D: Dixiecrat Senator Strom Thurmond filibusters against a landmark civil rights bill, ironically rendering later students of history speechless.

1960 A.D.: Snowball votes for John F. Kennedy, swinging Illinois to the young Senator and ushering in Camelot.

1963 A.D.: “When we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

1965 A.D.: President Johnson passes sweeping Civil Rights Act, breaking his historic ties to southern Democrats.

1969 A.D.: “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

1972 A.D.: Watergate. Most viewers who saw the debate on TV felt that Watergate won, though radio listeners gave the nod to Nixon.

1987 A.D.: “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”

1989 A.D: Seinfeld, a mediocre family sitcom, follows the life of George and his pals as they grow up in this wacky world of ours. Many critics feel the series is a less funny version of According to Jim.

1995-1997: Favre wins three straight MVP awards, thereby earning lifetime immunity. Fran Tarkenton grows progressively crankier.

2002: President Bush vows to “smoke him out where he lives.” Ominously, “him” and “where” left undefined.

2007: Chicagoan Barack Obama pledges bipartisanship and launches a long shot presidential campaign.

2007: Chicagoan Rex Grossman pledges bipartisanship and shares the ball with Indianapolis Colts multiple times in Super Bowl XLI.

2008-Present Day: Financial crisis. Gunslingers borrow vast sums of money, purchase toxic securities, receive government bailout, and pay themselves handsomely. Nero continues fiddling.