Of Mice and Me

While trying to fall asleep...

The sound of mice chewing and running around is horrifying, but its even more horrifying when your mattress is on the floor. Brad Childress looks like Ben Bernanke. Whenever people ask “is there a bathroom I can use?” I wonder if they are undercover zoning agents, sneakily attempting to inspect my house and break up my illegal bathroom racket. Is there a bathroom? Maybe…you a cop, buddy? I read that Ryan Leaf failed to turn himself in on drug charges a few months ago, but if the experience was anything like his tenure with the Dallas Cowboys, then he probably tried to turn himself in but was too inaccurate. To be fair though, the legal system should know that he will be a franchise inmate for a decade, unlike that bum Peyton Manning who couldn’t crime his way out of a wet paper bag. I miss those old commercials where Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine extol the virtues of investing in 30 year Treasuries because, let’s face it, chicks dig the long bond. Facebook revamping itself to be more like Twitter makes little sense to most people, but I hope that Mark Zuckerberg’s drive to copy inferior technology doesn’t stop there. I am rooting for Facebook to mimic an Edsel or perhaps razors that only have two blades. High schoolers are off to college and ready to kick off a new era in their lives, and I hate to say it, but it’s not see you later, its goodbye. Josh McDaniels is responsible for the last eight seasons of The Simpsons.

Breaking - Senate Imposes New Age Requirement

Bid to halt high schoolers jumping straight to Upper Chamber

Washington, D.C. (AP) - The Senate yesterday passed legislation requiring prospective candidates to attend college, or at least high school, or at least please read a book, even a coloring book, in order to run for office. The Senate’s Pro Temp applauded the move, and issued a surprisingly profane statement that read in part “finally those god damn Amateur Temps will have to polish their skills before making the leap.”

Many, however, were dismayed. Manny, however, was not, claiming “Que?”. Several McDonald’s All-American Legislators were shocked by the news that they would be forced to attend college for one year. “You don’t spend four years in high school practicing combovers and platitudes to end up like this”, said the budding star, who wished to remain anonymous. Sadly, that wish will not be granted. His name is William Ferguson, and his social security number is 392-90-2093.

Gus Johnson, whose network carries live coverage of the Senate every March, was pleased. “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” he commented, adding “!!!!!”. Johnson’s head later exploded. A college student who claimed to be socially liberal but totally fiscally conservative was not reached for comment, but insisted on commenting anyway. “If you let the supply curve intersect with the demand curve, you get perfect equilibrium” and “government should definitely stay out of people’s bedrooms”. He continued on for 30 more meandering minutes before finally proving his intellectual might.

The powerful group representing organized labor and surprisingly competitive Catholic basketball leagues, the AFL-CYO, weighed in on the matter as well. “This is an encroachment on the rights of the scrappy Orange team, who must now accept their year-ending pizza party with the bitter realization that the dream has been deferred for one more year.”

The Senate is expected to reconcile the measure with the House once the Congress returns from its summer recess.

A Brief History of Gunslinging

Much ink has been spilled over Brett Favre’s decision to return to the NFL. Favre’s name is synonymous with gunslinging. A gunslinger, of course, is one who plays aggressively – some might say recklessly - and takes huge risks in order to reap rewards. Sometimes these risks pay off and you win the Super Bowl; other times, you end up spending a year playing for the Jets. Personally, I love watching him play and I’m happy to have him back, though I wish it were for any team other than the Vikings. Nevertheless, Favre is far from the first gunslinger in our history. What follows is a look at gunslinging through the ages.

10000 B.C.: Hunter-gatherers finally satisfy their respective mothers by settling down, having some kids, and developing agriculture. First known instance of gunslinging when man decides to suck on cow’s udder, hope for the best.

9000 B.C.: Mesopotamaia develops in one of the more fertile crescents of the time period. Anatomically correct idols built, leading to much giggling among the era’s pubescent population. Spearslinging at an all time high.

3200 - 2500 B.C.: Growth of urbanism in the Indus valley. Earliest recorded evidence of warehouse parties and the written word. Man who created warehouse party is universally celebrated; man who wrote first word soon beheaded for crimes against the state. Brutal Shirt tribe oppresses and ultimately conquers more timid Skins. Vinny Testaverde hits Methusaleh on a slant pattern in the end zone to win first Orange Bowl.

1800 B.C.: Beginning of Shang dynasty in China. Comical obsession with alluvial plains ultimately dooms empire, leaving future military historians to wonder what might have been. Most agree Shang looked great at the combine against a chair.

1728 B.C.: Hammurabi writes his famous code. Crime plummets as “eye for an eye” becomes the law of the land. Number of eyes also plummets. Gunslingers everywhere persecuted for their beliefs, asked to simply manage the game.

500 B.C.: Reforms of Cleisthenes establish Athenian democracy.

478-404 B.C.: Athens dominates Aegean through Delian League. Sadly, when traded to American League, fail to live up to expectations as ERA soars. Parthenon built as gunslinging architects look around Greece and decide “not enough columns”.

399 B.C.: Socrates tried and executed in Athens. Socratic Method, hemlock drinking see surge in popularity.

218 B.C.: Hannibal uses elephants to attack Rome. Romans forced to use A-Wings and tow cables to circle elephants three times in order to get them to trip and explode.

146 B.C.: Romans sack Carthage and Corinth. In a display of horticultural gunslinging, they plant salt so nothing can ever grow again.

60 B.C.: Social disorder emerges in Rome as the empire expands. Attempts at social networking prove fruitless, as most civilians chose to either take black and white pensive photographs of themselves or “become fans of” wheat farming.

46 – 57 A.D.: Missionary journeys of St. Paul. Paul later comes out of retirement to sign with rival Zoroastrians.

313 A.D.: Constantine gunslings with an unprecedented decree of religious tolerance. Huguenots rejoice.

410 A.D.: Visigoths sack Rome, though controversy persists to this day as scholars feel Rome merely slid to allow Visigoths to break Mark Gastineau’s sack record.

600-1400 A.D.: Dark Ages. Human progress lags. Spanish inquire about everything from which God you worship to why you got home so late last night – we agreed to midnight, mister! Gunslinging lags.

850 A.D.: After building huge lead, Mayan civilization collapses.

1354 A.D.: Ottoman empire develops after capture of Gallipoli, later leading to classic Jay-Z line “I ain’t an Ottoman, I’m an Otto…man”.

1470 A.D.: Incan government decides that all farmland is to be state owned. Locals fear this means insertion of government bureaucrat between you and your okra.

1492 A.D.: Columbus slings his way across the Atlantic and successfully finds a passage to India.

1507 A.D.: In least interesting occupation of all time, the Portuguese take Mozambique.

1517 A.D.: Luther publishes 99 Theses, later developed into a Steve Gutenberg vehicle by Disney.

1500 – 1600 A.D.: Renaissance. Gunslingers across Europe reject lives of their fathers, eschewing careers in mudwallowing and corpse fondling to revive art and literature from the classic world. They are branded as “fairly gay” by their contemporaries.

1520 A.D.: Suleiman the Magnificent shatters record for funniest name by a ruler, besting previous mark set by Tamerlane the Your Mother.

1565 A.D.: Potato introduced to Europe from South America. Gunslinging southpaw Seamus O’Flannigan becomes first potato tycoon, later inspiring a very unpopular video game.

1624 A.D.: Dutch purchase Manhattan for 24 beads, a variety of bagels, and several lewd hand gestures.

1640 – 1750 A.D.: The Enlightenment. Rejection of ancient dogma as forward thinking gunslingers embrace reason, science, and logic. They are branded as “fairly gay” by their contemporaries.

1667 A.D.: Russia acquires large areas of Poland, Lithuania, and Northeast Philadelphia. Local entrepreneurs gunsling by serving vodka to kindergarteners.

1762 A.D.: Philosopher Rousseau holds out, demanding a new Social Contract.

1776 A.D.: USA! USA! USA!

1819 A.D.: Singapore founded as a free trade port. Singaporean dockworkers union laments loss of jobs shipped overseas to themselves.

1830 A.D.: In a blow for gunslinging, last Caribbean pirate hanged. 1976 Bucs pay tribute by lovingly refusing to win a game.

1841 A.D.: Ninth President William Harrison gives longest inauguration speech in history, then gets pneumonia and dies.

1841-1845 A.D.: Tenth President John Tyler spends four years repaying the powerful Pneumonia Lobby.

1856 A.D: Senator Preston Brooks beats Senator Charles Sumner with a wooden cane on the floor of the upper chamber, leaving Sumner unable to perform his duties for three years.

1861-1865 A.D.: War of Northern Aggression.

1863 A.D.: Lincoln finally issues Emancipation Proclamation despite pundits warning him against doing so, citing potential loss of key indentured servants bloc in ’64 election.

1864 A.D.: Jefferson Davis taunts the North by grabbing crotch and yelling vulgarities. General Grant responds by burning down Georgia.

1918 A.D.: United States enters World War I in 3^rd quarter; still has fresh legs, able to defeat Germany.

1933 A.D.: Neville Chamberlain, a proud proponent of Martyball, plays it safe by punting on 2^nd down and ceding Czechoslovakia to Germany. Gunslingers everywhere call for his resignation.

1941 -1945 A.D.: USA! USA! USA!

1944 A.D.: High water point of gunslinging, as D-Day fuels the liberation of Europe.

1949 A.D.: Bruce Springsteen born in Long Branch, New Jersey.

1953 A.D.: Ayn Rand publishes Atlas Slinged, the objectivist manifesto. Atomic testing continues in New Mexico, marking the peak of the state's cultural relevance. Since then, it's just...(ahem)...plateaued.

1957 A.D: Dixiecrat Senator Strom Thurmond filibusters against a landmark civil rights bill, ironically rendering later students of history speechless.

1960 A.D.: Snowball votes for John F. Kennedy, swinging Illinois to the young Senator and ushering in Camelot.

1963 A.D.: “When we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

1965 A.D.: President Johnson passes sweeping Civil Rights Act, breaking his historic ties to southern Democrats.

1969 A.D.: “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

1972 A.D.: Watergate. Most viewers who saw the debate on TV felt that Watergate won, though radio listeners gave the nod to Nixon.

1987 A.D.: “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”

1989 A.D: Seinfeld, a mediocre family sitcom, follows the life of George and his pals as they grow up in this wacky world of ours. Many critics feel the series is a less funny version of According to Jim.

1995-1997: Favre wins three straight MVP awards, thereby earning lifetime immunity. Fran Tarkenton grows progressively crankier.

2002: President Bush vows to “smoke him out where he lives.” Ominously, “him” and “where” left undefined.

2007: Chicagoan Barack Obama pledges bipartisanship and launches a long shot presidential campaign.

2007: Chicagoan Rex Grossman pledges bipartisanship and shares the ball with Indianapolis Colts multiple times in Super Bowl XLI.

2008-Present Day: Financial crisis. Gunslingers borrow vast sums of money, purchase toxic securities, receive government bailout, and pay themselves handsomely. Nero continues fiddling.

Walking With the Fatcats

My favorite vacations are the ones that I take to previously unvisited American cities. Cities that don’t get a lot of publicity as fun tourist spots – such as St. Louis and Nashville – I have found to be as enjoyable as Paris or London. It’s nice to see one’s own country.

When my parents announced that we would be going to Washington, D.C. for five days this August, I was ecstatic. Another city to check off the list.

The long car ride there produced the requisite three hour nap and awful breath. Upon waking up from this nap, it felt as though my soul was being sucked through my eyes due to excessively dry contact lenses. Plus, I recently got Invisalign. Though it’s true they are not as obstructive as braces, the makers don’t tell you it takes some time to get used to pronouncing certain sounds with the device in your mouth. Though by now I’ve bathically gotten uthed to the Invithalign system.

Much like Robert Horry in Game 5 or Macbeth in Act 2, the lack of parking at the hotel was a complete dagger. Our room was the standard small hotel room with two beds and a TV, but the hotel’s main lobby and interior were breathtaking. I could only wonder what dignitaries had passed through those doors, perhaps a young Henry Waxman, his wispy moustache just a twinkle in his eye.

Like most teenage American males, I have a bureaucracy fetish. My heart fluttered when we passed the Federal Trade Commission building, imagination running wild at the thought of some inoffensively well-groomed young bureaucrat regulating interstate commerce. I also saw the headquarters for the company that handles all online course transactions for many schools, Blackboard. I was going to go inside, but the building was scheduled for routine maintenance.

The walk we took that first night included a stop for water at a local frozen yogurt shop that was wonderful. I was forced to spring $3.00 for a bottle of Fiji water, which angered me for one main reason. Fiji filled its bottle with environmental and green imagery, and even infused it into its logo. However, by the time the water is flown from across the Pacific, bottled, and shipped to this distributor, enough carbon has been used to eat a horse. Granted, I’m not allowed to use cogent metaphors until the Department of Literary Devices approves my requisition document, but you understand the hypocrisy that infuriated me. Furthermore, the frozen yogurt store had a poster that touted a local television news story about it that stated “Immortalized until the end of time by NBC10 Washington”. If there is one thing in this world that I am sure of, it is that the regional affiliate of NBC in the mid-Atlantic does not hold the key to immortality.

Blackboard was not the only entity to have an impressive office building in Washington. Both National Public Radio and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting (provider of PBS) were housed there as well. I like NPR, even though their broadcasts are invariably either an extended interview with the deputy education minister of Latvia, an opportunity to win an answering machine recording from Carl Kassell, or Car Talk.

Day 2 of 5

Day one, the day of our arrival, did not present an opportunity to do much sightseeing due to the fact that we arrived at 10:00 pm. Day two was far different. Battling the oppressive D.C. heat, we took public transportation to the Georgetown neighborhood of the city. It was gorgeous. There was a thriving commercial district, and more interestingly, Georgetown University. Much like how my school has a few people who arrogantly believe they are smarter than you because they know what level the Dow is currently at, I couldn’t shake the feeling that many people in the Georgetown area - not necessarily students - thought they were smarter than me because they knew that Ohio was a swing state. Despite this, the Georgetown visit was among the highlights of the trip.

The area was undeniably upscale. The houses near the university were all neatly kept and new looking, nothing like the off campus housing in Philadelphia. The campus itself is beautiful, and you can see down into their football stadium without entering it. The Hoya football team was going through training camp, though I can’t say I like their chances for the upcoming season given that me, my mom and my sister beat them 49-7 during a scrimmage, and we only gave up the touchdown because my sister was a great nose tackle and we foolishly switched to a 4-3 defense.

A different neighborhood, called Foggy Bottom, was explored next. The State Department and the Federal Reserve Building were in fairly close proximity to where the bus left us. Obviously, Hillary Clinton and Ben Bernanke are the big names, but it’s still the preseason, and I’m excited to see if Assistant Deputy Undersecretary of State Adam Dimichele can make the squad this year or if Rhett Bomar’s going to beat him out. Sadly, due to a cartographical error – namely, we walked ten blocks in the wrong direction because of my inability to read a map – they were left unseen.

Day 3 of 5

I had never seen the Capitol Building, White House or the presidential monuments. Fortunately, every famous building in Washington is close to a large, rectangular, national mall-looking type of area. Day three was finally the day to visit them all.

The Capitol Building was first. Undeniably awesome to soak in all the history of the great men and women who built the country. I even saw the spot where Senator Henry Clay, known in the 19^th Century as “The Great Compromiser”, forgot to take out the Senate trash can when it was his turn. Clay defused a sticky situation by “totally promising to get the next two”, adding, “brah”.

We soon walked past the White House. Hard to wrap one’s head around all the major events that had taken place in a building just a few hundred feet away, from President Roosevelt fighting the Great Depression to President Fillmore fighting boredom. Mr. Fillmore bravely won the War on Ennui through a then-brilliant strategy of constantly refreshing ESPN and Facebook. There were also some crazy people protesting President Obama over something stupid a few yards away from us. I think they wanted him to denounce Eggo for using whales in the manufacture of its delicious waffles. Well, then where am I supposed to get my daily suggested amount of Beluga, hippies?!? Didn’t think of that, did you!?!?

After leaving the White House and the Capitol, we went over to the epicenter of the nation’s fatcats, K Street. K Street is home to the major lobbying firms in the country, from oil companies to organized labor to a despicable cartel that hoards marble pillars, coffee tables, and mildly interesting books known only as the Lobby Lobby.

The Lincoln, Washington, and Jefferson memorials were next. I was surprised by how pristine all of them look despite being out in the Washington weather through the decades. Though they were all stunning up close – especially Jefferson’s – I couldn’t help but feel that these were finesse monuments that simply would not be able to win in January.

Day 4 of 5

We spent some time at a few museums today. The city has far too many museums to see them all, so prioritizing is one of the Pepsi Keys to the Game. The other two, of course, are “Get Off to a Good Start” and “Bend but Don’t Break!” Anyway, the National Archives held the Constitution, Bill of Rights, and Declaration of Independence, so it was obviously first on the list. I’m just thankful that the country was founded two hundred years ago and not now, because the National Hard Drive would be way less cool.

A quick stop at the Library of Congress included an inspection of Mr. Jefferson’s personal library. One particular tome, A History of Mineral Waters, truly made me appreciate how little there was to do in the 18^th century.

The archives held a lot more than just the three Charters of Freedom. Hilariously, the light in the room with the sensitive documents was kept at “two footcandles of intensity”. Yes, our measuring system is actually that hilarious. A footcandle is the intensity of light given off by a candle one foot away from you, I was told. “A sunny day is over 12,000 footcandles!” read one placard. Finally, a way to clear things up around here! It’s nothing but footcandles from here on out for everything.

The National Portrait Gallery, which included portraits of all the presidents, was visited later that afternoon. I don’t know who designed the Gallery, but I thought it was pretty telling that the more interesting, historically significant presidents such as Washington and Lincoln got enormous portraits and the minor presidents like Franklin Pierce basically got postage stamps. Washington and Lincoln had so much pull that even their respective entourages got to have portraits of them in the Gallery, like Washington’s older, less successful step brother and lovable portly friend.

Day 5 of 5

On the way back to New Jersey, I learned how to pump my own gas.