Bid to halt high schoolers jumping straight to Upper Chamber
Washington, D.C. (AP) - The Senate yesterday passed legislation requiring prospective candidates to attend college, or at least high school, or at least please read a book, even a coloring book, in order to run for office. The Senate’s Pro Temp applauded the move, and issued a surprisingly profane statement that read in part “finally those god damn Amateur Temps will have to polish their skills before making the leap.”
Many, however, were dismayed. Manny, however, was not, claiming “Que?”. Several McDonald’s All-American Legislators were shocked by the news that they would be forced to attend college for one year. “You don’t spend four years in high school practicing combovers and platitudes to end up like this”, said the budding star, who wished to remain anonymous. Sadly, that wish will not be granted. His name is William Ferguson, and his social security number is 392-90-2093.
Gus Johnson, whose network carries live coverage of the Senate every March, was pleased. “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” he commented, adding “!!!!!”. Johnson’s head later exploded. A college student who claimed to be socially liberal but totally fiscally conservative was not reached for comment, but insisted on commenting anyway. “If you let the supply curve intersect with the demand curve, you get perfect equilibrium” and “government should definitely stay out of people’s bedrooms”. He continued on for 30 more meandering minutes before finally proving his intellectual might.
The powerful group representing organized labor and surprisingly competitive Catholic basketball leagues, the AFL-CYO, weighed in on the matter as well. “This is an encroachment on the rights of the scrappy Orange team, who must now accept their year-ending pizza party with the bitter realization that the dream has been deferred for one more year.”
The Senate is expected to reconcile the measure with the House once the Congress returns from its summer recess.
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