Friday, December 11, 2009

No Retreat, Baby Noooooovember.

Old video games used to have such limited memory capabilities that words like "points" or "yards" were always plural, leading to stat lines like "Hampton – 3 Carries, 1 Yds, 2 TDs" and "Van Horn – 1 Pts, 2 Socks". By the way, 2 Socks 1 Point was my favorite vulgar web video starring Keith Van Horn. But anyway, my clocking in with 1 overall columns for the month of November is inexcusable. I haven't had a winning November since 1996, but this is the kind of month that gets coaches fired. The highlight of my November was my first ever trip to Madison Square Garden to watch the Knicks take on the Celtics. Many ideas for a column came from this trip, but I never found the time to synthesize them into something readable. A brief synopsis:


  • My friend Dan and I made the trip up to New York on one of those cheap buses that provides both cheap transportation for college students and affordable money laundering services for organized criminal syndicates. Thanks again to Fat Tony's Green Lucky Dragon Star Bus Co. for the $20 round trip Philly-NY bus line.
  • We saw a comedy show at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater and it was fantastic. The tall bald guy from 30 Rock, Erin from The Office, and that annoying guy from NFL Live are all performers there. Most sketches started out slowly, then the entertainers settled into a rhythm, and then you just got to run the football coach, you just got to.
  • Knicks fans are awesome even when their team and their franchise are not. Fans at most stadiums around the country beg for obvious fouls like blocking or holding, but the savvy connoisseurs at the Garden were yelling things like "Defensive 3 seconds!" and the like. Personally, I was spiked out so I spent most of my time trying to trip referees.
  • Spike Lee, Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, and Anthony Anderson were all in attendance.
  • Impossible to get NFL updates on my phone during the basketball game. The game took place on a Sunday and Dallas was facing Washington in a key divisional game. Thankfully, Shaun Suisham missed 13 consecutive field goals in the second half, which allowed the Cowboys to escape with the win.


One final note about November: a big thank you to everyone who refused to shave during the month for charity, except ladies. You guys are the real heroes out there.

Friday, November 6, 2009

My Favorite 50 Cent Song

Twelve questions.


  1. Does this house have heating?

    Moving off campus into a house certainly has its benefits. On the other hand, we are constantly experiencing Seven Syndrome, a phenomenon named after the Brad Pitt movie. Every time the film's detectives encountered a new corpse, they had a shocked, dumbfounded look on their face because they can't comprehend how it's possible for a human being to mutilate something so badly. Similarly, while trying to clean the house of all remnants of its hipster-inhabited past, my housemates and I have frequently been forced to pause just to gape at – perhaps even admire – some of their handiwork. Examples include a fridge left with rotting vegetables and a thumb found in a cup.

    The house has finally been tamed, but the weather is beginning to turn. As such, the most common question over the past three days has been, "does this house have heating?" I do not believe that it does. In fact, I am actually wearing six layers of clothing right now. A brief tour of the six is appropriate. Closest to my body is a free t-shirt I received from a summer employer who refused to pay me. I am wearing it only out of spite, since I haven't showered in eighteen hours and am sure I smell awful. The next level is a full-sleeved, dark blue Ford shirt courtesy of the dying days of retailer Steve and Barry's. The shirt was purchased for $2. The third level is not only where you want your offensive lineman to be, but where you will find a vintage '03 basketball camp t-shirt. Six year old shirts should no longer fit me. The fourth level of defense against the brutal cold of our common room is a long sleeve collared shirt given as a gift from my aunt. Solid rotation player. Layer five was a free t-shirt from my well-heated, on-campus residence last year. Originally, I was wearing a much more highly-touted t-shirt, but then Mo Lewis tore it and the layer five shirt has been a gem for me ever since. Layer six is a turtleneck I can only wear around the house because no one looks good in a turtleneck. No, this house does not have heating.


  2. Do you want to play some Texas Odom?


    A fantastic card game very similar to Texas Hold 'Em. The main difference is that instead of dealing three cars to begin play, the other players are forced to laud your versatility. In fact, everything is about versatility. Instead of aces wild, its everything wild. Versatility! You are also required to be both big and little blind at the same time, maybe play a little point guard if it comes to it.


  3. [Glances at phone] Is this you?


    A classic question, asked every time phone numbers are exchanged. After getting their digits and placing the call, your number will flash across the other person's caller ID screen. The person will then pause and take a moment to verify that this unknown number is actually yours with the aforementioned question. I applaud their commitment to safety, since there is a chance that in the exact same moment that I decide to call you as you're watching me do so, there might be a completely unknown third party who also decides to call you with an unknown number. Marty Schottenheimer was known for actually declining the call, just to be safe.


  4. Does this bus stop at 82nd Street?


    Yes.


  5. Bigger scrub – Louis 13th or Louis 15th?


    Louis 13th allowed an aging Cardinal Richelieu to put up pretty good numbers. Louis the 13th is also referenced in the recent summer blockbuster GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Louis XIII, definitely, though Lou Williams is probably the biggest scrub of all time.


  6. Was Scrubs ever good?


    Cutaway. Homoeroticism! Gruff demeanor. Sike! Self-confidence, self-doubt, not gruff demeanor, reassuring. [Indie music] Come on sport, that's why I'm so hard on you…because I trust you, god damnit. And that's why you're going to be a great doctor.


    Maybe it was good once, maybe I was in sixth grade, we may never know.


  7. Who is Eddie Rommel?


    Widely considered the father of the knuckleball and the bastard child of the split-fingered fastball, Rommel was a star pitcher on the Philadelphia Athletics from 1920-1932. He once pitched 17 innings in relief during a single game.


  8. If you could die in any one place and location, where would it be?


    Due to a bituminous coal-based budget surplus, West Virginia did not levy an estate tax for those who died in 2005 (unconfirmed). Barring that, I'd opt to die the day after tomorrow, hopefully by a cold front that stabs me as Jake Gyllenhall and I try to outrun it.


  9. Best DJ? Worst?


    Best is definitely Funkmaster Flex, the renowned Hot 97 DJ. My favorite story about him is the fact that he once said, on air, "That last song was 'Live Your Life' by T.I. featuring forehead". I'm almost positive it was him who said it. He once asked listeners to email him at funkmaster.flex@gmail.com, which I'm pretty sure is just the email he created for himself once he realized soccrboi378@hotmail.com was not appropriate when applying to colleges. Anyway, the worst DJ is by far Mbenga.


  10. Are trends in NBA uniforms any better than trends in NFL uniforms?


    No. The day-to-day changes in NBA uniforms means that the league is no better off than the NFL is. For example, Portland is wearing a uniform that says "Rip City" across the front of it. In a league where every jersey in converging towards Carolina blue, my beloved Nets wear a shade of red for their road uniforms that can only be described as infected. The ninth level of hell is reserved for traitors, and the tenth level of hell has to be reserved for whoever designed "Infection Red" Nets uniforms.


  11. Want to watch a game at "The Corp"?


    There is no problem with a given sports franchise selling the naming rights to its stadium to a corporate sponsor. Some may feel that the fact that hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars are committed from cities held hostage by the threat of relocation should offer Joe Q. Public some voice in terms of what his stadium will be named. Wrong. For example, Veterans Stadium, the longtime home to two Philadelphia sports teams, was dedicated in honor of the millions of patriots who served this country. Locals lovingly knew it as "The Vet". Decades of heavy usage eventually overcame The Vet, which begat two new venues, Lincoln Financial Field and Citizens Bank Park. Each field takes its name from a mid-level bank.


    "The Vet" is a timeless moniker. "The Linc" and "The Bank", as they are promoted, are names signifying nothing more than pathetically manufactured nostalgia. Speaking of which, I can't wait to watch a game at Rutgers's new stadium "The Herp".


    If the owners of sports franchises accept taxpayer money in order to build a venue, then they owe us when they sell the name of the stadium. I view it as an investor being paid a dividend. If a franchise can fund its own stadium with entirely private resources, then it makes sense that those parties can decide how to split any subsequent revenues. Maybe there is no public support for such an idea right now, but when the Green Bay Packers play at AIG Field, your head will explode too.


  12. Is the final cumuluative?


    No, but since each concept builds on a previous one, you should make sure you know how to do everything we've covered since the start of the semester.


Thursday, October 22, 2009

Job Recruitment

Thank you for your interest in Gunslinger Capital Management, LLC. We seek to provide dynamic synergy to our clients by leveraging our unique insights into first-class financial services. Our talent pool consists of some of the most outstanding people in the world. We were impressed with your application and would like to discuss the position further, and have reserved an interview for you this coming Thursday at 4:30 in room 356 at Huntsman Hall. Good luck!

...


  1. Hey, I'm Nils from Gunslinger Capital Management, nice to meet you. So why do you want to work at GCM?

    As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a Gunslinger. (Nervous laughter) No, really. I believe that it provides the kind of dynamic, fascinating, engaging, stimulating, phenomenal, platitude, challenging, inspiring workplace at which I could really thrive. I have been interested in gunslinging markets for over three years now, and I'm actually concentrating in gunslinging with a minor in ignoring risk management.

  2. Walk me through your resume.

    Sure. I spent the past summer working at a local asset management firm. Granted, the work was not particularly glamorous, but I have used words like "analyzed" and "examined" on my resume in order to make data-entry and envelope stuffing seem impressive.

  3. Wow, didn't expect you to denigrate your own work experience. Definitely did not see it coming – maybe you do have what it takes to be a gunslinger.

    Thanks. To continue, the summer before that I worked as an ice cream truck driver. My key insight was to never slow down – this way, it would be a test of wills to see "who wanted it more." I've also worked as a secretary at a small firm in my hometown.

  4. A secretary?

    I mean, administrative assistant. Without my key insights of teaching older employees how to text using T9 mode and fixing various printer jams, the day to day operations of the firm would have undoubtedly suffered, perhaps threatening the very stability of the entire global economy.


  5. Do you have any relevant leadership experience?


    I am the founder of the Gunslinger Microfinance Association, which raises funds to give third world entrepreneurs with terrible business plans seed money for their ideas on the off chance that they take off. Just last year, we raised $50,000 for Robert Ganoush, a Turkish founder of a company that makes ironic medication. I'm also VP of Corporate Sponsorship of the Wharton Resume Awareness Society, whose primary purpose is to generate enough job titles to make everyone feel important. For example, my friend is Co-Treasurer of Community Outreach and our current President is the former Executive Compliance Provost. I also have some irrelevant leadership experience, as my friends frequently look to me to decide where to go for brunch and I once coached my Cowboys franchise in "Madden" to a 19-0 season.


  6. Sounds impressive. Just a few quick questions about the economy and financial markets so we can better gauge if you would be a fit at our firm. How would you go about generating stable, long-term returns in a responsible manner for our clients?


    36 red.


  7. You're hired.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Do No Evil

Two of my friends are international students who were originally from China. Naturally, their Google accounts were created back in their homeland. When I started gchatting with both of them, I noticed that Franklin [Last Name Redacted] and Harry [Last Name Redacted] had both turned into Franklin Chino and Harry Chino. I thought both of them were referencing something, so I decided to ask what was going on:


me: hey how come both you and harry have 'chino' after your names on gmail?

franklin: i don't know how i got it

i registered my name as [redacted]

and how did u get americano

me: what

are you serious?

my name is satya americano? google auto-added that to my first name?

franklin: yeah quite serious

me: hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahaah

oh man

franklin

franklin: i thought you added that

me: you just made my night

this is the funniest thing ever

franklin: thanks for saying that

Satya americano

it's on my screen right now

as we speak

would you suggest I make some changes to it

me: no

i am happy to be Satya Americano


Thank you Google, for creating Franklin Chino, Harry Chino, and me, Satya Americano.

Breaking – Penn to cancel “Undergraduate Assesmbly” after current season

Critically Acclaimed but Lowly Rated Series to Call it Quits in May

Philadelphia, PA (AP) – Penn, the last-place network that has been languishing in the ratings cellar, announced in a statement that the series Undergraduate Assembly will be canceled at the end of the season. Though the series has a cult following and a host of awards, its consistent inability to attract viewer interest led Penn to finally cut its ties with the institution.

Media analyst Walter Jaffe summarized the situation. "UA had a nice run, but it was never able to draw interest from the key demographic of 18-22 year old males, or 18-22 year old females, or anyone."

The series premiered in 1968 as a spinoff of the popular sitcom Humphrey Dumpty, which centered on the wacky antics of Hubert H. Humphery at the 1968 Democratic National Convention. UA itself, which was based on the goings-on of a student government association, could never match the popularity of its predecessor despite an intense promotional blitz every year. "The overarching storylines of adding air conditioning to Hill college house and improving the food at Commons were interesting at first, but they got stale after they literally didn't talk about anything else for 43 straight seasons," said Jaffe. Roger Stearns, a long-time media critic, felt that "the creepy, palpable ambition of the central characters was probably a little too much for Joe Q. Public."

UA's cultural relevance peaked in 2003 when it won an Emmy for "Outstanding Achievement in a Show Nobody Cares About", narrowly edging out both The Wire and Arrested Development. A perennial critical darling, the show also attracted a small but loyal audience throughout its run. "We're just happy that they will have an actual finale, and that they weren't pulled mid-season", remarked Andrew Fuomo, an ardent supporter who "never misses an episode."

Fans such as Fuomo believe the show reached a creative high point in the 2006 episode "18 to Show Up, 21 to Co-Op" that explored the relationship between off-campus fraternity party regulation and sustainable living experiments.

Penn has decided to replace Undergraduate Assembly with The Jay Leno Show. Mr. Leno immediately vowed to "try as hard as he can to get Oasis for Spring Fling."

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Five Quadrants Vol II

Jay-Z's discography is marked by sequels to albums that perhaps didn't need one. Vol. 3…Life and Times of S. Carter was great, but I think that Vol. 19…Lifetime Miniseries about Vol.2…Hard Knock Life was probably going too far. Nevertheless, I am happy to report the second iteration of Five Quadrants. Once again, the aim is to highlight business school pretention and arrogance.

During a discussion regarding women's rights:

"Capitalism is the greatest source of social progress."

The plight of ambitious women in countries where women are not traditionally seen in executive positions was being discussed. The speaker was not highlighting capitalism's notable strengths – such as allocating resources efficiently or generating wealth and jobs. Rather, he meant that if women in oppressed countries were able to practice the Dennis Kozlowski style of capitalism, they would be able to affect social progress.

Obviously, the notion is not without historical precedent. Martin Luther King's hedge fund, Mountaintop Capital LLC, was largely responsible for most of the civil rights movement. Plus, Gandhi was an LBO king and Mother Teresa securitized mud in Calcutta for years.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Pilgrimage

Jerry Seinfeld, after essentially disappearing for a decade following his show's finale, appeared in every relevant publication last year to promote his film Bee Movie. Each time, the writer interspersed the story with references to old Seinfeld jokes, as if the questioner was secretly hoping that Seinfeld would later read the interview and chuckle quietly to himself, secretly happy that he had discovered another die-hard fan of his work. I can specifically recall two separate interviews that concluded with the writer ending the last relevant paragraph and typing "not that there's anything wrong with that" as a separate sentence to end the piece.

Similarly, it is tempting to populate a recollection of a Bruce Springsteen concert with allusions to lyrics and song titles. Of course, I am secretly hoping that Bruce will read this, chuckle quietly to himself, and decide to invite me onstage to dance at his next show. A game manager might chose to write responsibly and abstain from too many admittedly corny references. A gunslinger, however, would take the complete opposite approach and decide to sling as many of them as possible.

Seeing The Boss at Giants Stadium has to be on everyone's bucket list. I can finally cross this one off of mine; now, all I have to do is purchase the various types of buckets that make up the remainder of my list and I'm set. The experience is probably a lot like seeing Brett Favre at Mall of America Field.

The concert itself was on a Saturday night. I began the pilgrimage to the Meadowlands from my campus in Philadelphia, stopping by Rutgers University in New Brunswick to pick up an old high school friend. This leg of the trip was marked by my aggressive driving and devil-may-care demeanor, as well as the wind tossing my hair heroically in the wind as I grew to be 6'4''. Even thinking about Bruce has this effect on people. I would have made better time in getting to my friend's house at Rutgers, but the weather was a bit foggy and the streets were clogged with disappointing football teams. Damn you, Cook-Douglas Fightin' Wildcats!

I left Philly at 12:30 and was in New Brunswick by 1:45. We made the trip back to our hometown, where a third friend was meeting us in order to drive us to Giants Stadium. This third friend is without a doubt the biggest Springsteen fan I have ever met. To wit: he called the entire Super Bowl halftime set list – accurate both in terms of which songs and in which order. Second, he called that Springsteen would play two relatively obscure tracks when I saw him live in Philadelphia. He has also seen Bruce sixteen times in concert.

We were in our hometown from 2:30 until 3:00 watching the conclusion to a college football game. Central Connecticut State was playing Sacred Heart on a network known as MSG+ HD, which not only proves how we will watch any scrub college football game under any circumstances, but that my plans to gamble heavily on the Oklahoma Thunder preseason is now only the second most pathetic thing of October 2009.

We finally traded for enough shotguns and struck out for the show. Sadly, the fourth member of our party got dysentery and died, ironically, of a bullet ricochet. A pizza place on Route 22 provided the pre-tailgating nourishment for our party. Garlic doesn't give me bad breath, but it will make my lips taste pretty bad until I brush my teeth – forcing me to abandon my plans to kiss Gary Tallent during "Jackson Cage".

Traffic wasn't too bad, since most of the last chance power drives had taken place the previous night. I couldn't fully grasp the significance of seeing The Boss play on his home turf until I caught sight of the iconic Giants Stadium sign atop the side of the stadium in the parking lot. Finding a parking spot, seeing dozens of Jersey license plates, watching frumpy old people happily act like they're twenty – it was good to be home.

Tailgating from 4:00 until 8:15 is an experience that is very similar to attending a family reunion. I felt an undeniable but inexplicable bond of affection running through a large group of moderately weird looking people. My favorite part of the entire experience was how hundreds of cars were each blaring classic Springsteen songs to the extent where if you walked from your tailgating site to the port-o-potty, every five steps you'd hear a riff from a different track.

Interactions with strangers at tailgates are always fun. The combination of E Street-generated goodwill and tons of grilled meat made everyone a little happier. A neighboring woman approached us and offered grilled sausage and pepper sandwiches, which were delicious, but the grilled zucchini she gave us next was somehow better. I saw a guy who looked exactly like Vinny Testaverde's younger brother – down to the curly swept back hair and goofy posture. Another guy looked exactly like Stan Van Gundy. Actually, considering that we were in Jersey, it probably would have been more surprisingly if I saw a guy who didn't look like Stan Van Gundy.

At 7:45, it was time to finally head onto the field. This was no time to gunsling and risk accidentally ending up at a Bon Jovi concert at Metrostars Stadium. I spent $100 for the right to stand on the floor, roughly one hundred feet away from the stage. One of my friends who met us there had recently sacrificed a bull to Poseidon, and thankfully the lord of the wine-dark sea smiled on us and blessed us with the ability to move up in seating until we were forty feet away from the stage. That, and the fact that my friend knew a state trooper who ushered us closer to the stage. Also, I just finished reading Odysseus. I have always been a firm believer that poetry should either be epic or nonexistent, so I enjoyed it.

Having floor seats at Giants Stadium to Bruce Springsteen is the kind of sentence that you like to run over and over and your mind, much like the sentence "I have tickets to the midnight showing of The Replacements VI: Replace This!" Legions of happy faces smile back at you when you look up into the stands from the aluminum-covered floor. To be honest, there were moments where I enjoyed pretending that I was a member in the band and they were all looking at me. Yes, it's lame, but if you ever have the experience you'll understand what I'm talking about. Plus, the history of Giants Stadium was flashing through my head – Parcells, LT, the Emmitt Smith in '93, Keyshawn, Vincenzo, 41-0.

The first song was a new one specially written to close Giants Stadium, which needless to say was poignant and effective. His first actual song was an awesome rendition of "Out in the Street" off of The River. Adam Sandler covered the song pretty well, but Bruce did it better. He played the entire track listing from the album Born in the U.S.A, which is fortunate since I believe the following concert he played all of The Ghost of Tom Joad. Springsteen also gave two fantastic, fiery speeches, one coming as fireworks erupted across the top of the stadium. And, he closed with "Thunder Road".

Frequently, during concerts, Springsteen will invite a small child from the rows closest to the stage to sing the chorus to a song or for a quick dance. This happened several times during the show, most notably during "Dancing in the Dark", as Bruce responded to a sign "asking for a 13th birthday 'dance'" and pulled the girl onstage for thirty seconds near the end of the song. As long as this girl doesn't grow up to star in an overrated sitcom, I will remember it as the finest moment of the night. A living legend creating a birthday moment for a little girl combined with the cultural signficiance of that song was almost too much to handle. By the time Bruce – aided by 60,000 backup singers – finished crooning "it's a town full of losers, I'm pulling out of here to win", any doubts that a 60-year-old man could kill it were removed.

On the way out, I noticed a few of his older fans that looked like they had 35 years worth of Springsteen concert memories written into their smiling faces. I imagine that they keep coming back year after year not for the chance to hear "Born to Run" for the millionth time, but rather to revel in all the finer details of a Bruce show that make it so special. For me, it was the smile on the girl's face as she left the stage, the cracks in the Big Man's hands when he crushes a solo, and the spittle flying between Bruce and Stevie when they sing so close together on a shared mike that they could kiss.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.




My friend's BlackBerry was originally only taking photos in sepia, which I assumed was a tribute to that classic Springsteen track "Tough Times Down at the Sepia Factory". Fortunately, the error was fixed, and here are the highlights:

Huge banner seen outside the stadium on the way in. The silhouettes of the band members, which you can kind of see on the left part of the image, were the best part.

View of stage, before seating upgrade.

This is actually the image from the when I attended the ceremony where the Giants retired Kerry Collins's jersey.

Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce

"...from the coastline to the cities all the little pretties raised their hands!"

View of the stage, after the seating upgrade.

Stan Van Gundy!

I love this guy for wearing this jersey to the Bruce show.