Breaking – Penn to cancel “Undergraduate Assesmbly” after current season

Critically Acclaimed but Lowly Rated Series to Call it Quits in May

Philadelphia, PA (AP) – Penn, the last-place network that has been languishing in the ratings cellar, announced in a statement that the series Undergraduate Assembly will be canceled at the end of the season. Though the series has a cult following and a host of awards, its consistent inability to attract viewer interest led Penn to finally cut its ties with the institution.

Media analyst Walter Jaffe summarized the situation. "UA had a nice run, but it was never able to draw interest from the key demographic of 18-22 year old males, or 18-22 year old females, or anyone."

The series premiered in 1968 as a spinoff of the popular sitcom Humphrey Dumpty, which centered on the wacky antics of Hubert H. Humphery at the 1968 Democratic National Convention. UA itself, which was based on the goings-on of a student government association, could never match the popularity of its predecessor despite an intense promotional blitz every year. "The overarching storylines of adding air conditioning to Hill college house and improving the food at Commons were interesting at first, but they got stale after they literally didn't talk about anything else for 43 straight seasons," said Jaffe. Roger Stearns, a long-time media critic, felt that "the creepy, palpable ambition of the central characters was probably a little too much for Joe Q. Public."

UA's cultural relevance peaked in 2003 when it won an Emmy for "Outstanding Achievement in a Show Nobody Cares About", narrowly edging out both The Wire and Arrested Development. A perennial critical darling, the show also attracted a small but loyal audience throughout its run. "We're just happy that they will have an actual finale, and that they weren't pulled mid-season", remarked Andrew Fuomo, an ardent supporter who "never misses an episode."

Fans such as Fuomo believe the show reached a creative high point in the 2006 episode "18 to Show Up, 21 to Co-Op" that explored the relationship between off-campus fraternity party regulation and sustainable living experiments.

Penn has decided to replace Undergraduate Assembly with The Jay Leno Show. Mr. Leno immediately vowed to "try as hard as he can to get Oasis for Spring Fling."

Breaking – Landmark District IX Bill Passes

Legislation to Mandate Equal Funding for Turning Female Athletes into Aliens

Washington, D.C. (AP) – Women's rights groups claimed a major victory on Thursday as both Congressional chambers finalized a new plan that would mandate equal funding to help female athletes transform into prawn-shaped beings.

The sprawling bill was fraught with earmarks and riders, and is likely to have many unintended consequences. Athletic directors across the country fear that this means that there will be less funding to help male athletes in minor sports such as fencing, wrestling, and backgammon turn into aliens. "Obviously, you don't want to have a situation where you DO cut funding for sports, but again, you DON'T want to have a situation where you don't have enough funding for alien metamorphosis" added Tim McCarver, who is not an athletic director, but whose recent album can be purchased from Archer Records.

Democratic Senator Max Baucus initially introduced the measure in a more watered-down form. However, a surprisingly fervent base of reform-advocates and catnip interest groups insisted that the bill be strengthened before leaving Mr. Baucus's committee. "Today, we made history by guaranteeing that our daughters will have the same opportunities as our sons," said the Senator in a statement.

The bill was not delivered to the President for finalization through its usual channels. Instead, it was lovingly but mysteriously placed at his door while he slept, perhaps hinting at a sequel District X bill.

Breaking - Local High School Junior Running to be YOUR Vice President

Ramapo, NJ (AP) – In a painfully generic student body election speech that left even his once-enthusiastic friends indifferent, Ramapo High School junior Ken Folk announced his intention to be “YOUR next Vice President.”

“I’m not going to promise that there won’t be homework or that school will end early,” Folk asserted, despite the fact that no one in the history of school or elections has ever promised anything that remotely resembles either. Folk insisted that he would instead “work to make school dances more fun, and to increase school spirit.”

Despite a campaign that has been dogged by rumors that he is only running for Vice President because a more popular student is running for President, Folk was adamant that he could “really make a difference around here.”

Folk’s speech received a lukewarm reception from the audience of his peers. Most students polled afterwards were not even aware that he had made an opening joke, a fact that suggests his terrible delivery and general lack of charisma will be hard to overcome. One cranky gentleman went so far as to label Folk “a fatcat”, though this gentleman later turned out to be a bearded, depressed, and apparently unemployed Dennis Hastert, or possibly Dennis Green.

For weeks, the young candidate had plastered the school with signs that blended in with the other candidates’ pun-based advertisements. “Vote for Nick – He’s Good Folk!” read one pasted near Cafeteria B. Folk’s last ditch attempt to form an alliance with two other candidates with whom he was reasonably friendly but not all that close apparently failed – despite hours of repeating their hilariously ironic catchphrase, “vote for Triple Team Awesome”. Folk’s own enthusiasm for his candidacy was called into question, as unnamed sources close to him have reportedly stated that Folk is running for impure reasons. They have claimed that he is only running because he is a panicked junior who realized that he has wasted two years and desperately needs something to add to his resume before applying to colleges in the fall.

Folk’s bromide-laden speech was the culmination of his painfully awkward campaign. His insistence that “he loves Ramapo High and intends to be a Wildcat forever” went over poorly with the key demographic of apathetic students. Fortunately, this group has low turnout and is far more likely to draw a “rocket ship” on a ballot than to use it to vote. The statement also failed to resonate with student-athletes, most of whom felt that Folk lacked the gravitas and personal background to make such a statement.

Near the end of his speech, caked in flop sweat, Folk chose to make a string of hollow references in a last-l attempt to save face and pander to the audience. “Hey, who remembers Power Rangers?!?” he asked, receiving a response of nothing but crickets and the audible rumbling of stomachs of students who had to wake up at 6:30 to get to school on time yet are not allowed to eat lunch until noon.

Folk ended his speech after his allotted three minutes were up. Results will be announced after school, and the Ultimate Frisbee Club will have its introductory meeting in the choir room this Friday immediately after school.

Breaking - NBC To Debut Several Deadpan, Laugh-Track Free Comedies

Shows to be Centered Around Wacky but Lovable Characters

Burbank, CA (AP) – Hoping to capitalize off of its popular comedies The Office, 30 Rock, Parks and Recreations, and Community, NBC has decided to launch several new sitcoms this fall that the network hopes will build on the momentum those series have created.

Single Camera, a television show about a struggling photography magazine, will be shot in a similar style as The Office and Parks and Recreations. Various characters will alternately stare into the camera and glance at each other flirtatiously while giving seemingly off-the-cuff interviews. The show is slated to have one serious character, his attractive love interest, a slapstick comedian, and a motley crew of adorable artists.

The network also announced Save Me, a series that will follow the lives of multiple washed-up comedians whose careers were believed to be over in 2002. Chris Kattan will play the lead, but the rest of the cast reportedly is made up of a serious character, her attractive love interest, a slapstick comedian, and a motley crew of adorable artists.

Tuesdays at 9:30 will be the new home of Tapestry, a show about a carpet-makers union. The sitcom will be a melancholic but humorous look at a group of laborers in Duluth, Minnesota. Leaked plot details indicate that the first episode will hint at future drama by having star-crossed characters make eye contact before a shaky camera abruptly cuts away.

Breaking - Senate Imposes New Age Requirement

Bid to halt high schoolers jumping straight to Upper Chamber

Washington, D.C. (AP) - The Senate yesterday passed legislation requiring prospective candidates to attend college, or at least high school, or at least please read a book, even a coloring book, in order to run for office. The Senate’s Pro Temp applauded the move, and issued a surprisingly profane statement that read in part “finally those god damn Amateur Temps will have to polish their skills before making the leap.”

Many, however, were dismayed. Manny, however, was not, claiming “Que?”. Several McDonald’s All-American Legislators were shocked by the news that they would be forced to attend college for one year. “You don’t spend four years in high school practicing combovers and platitudes to end up like this”, said the budding star, who wished to remain anonymous. Sadly, that wish will not be granted. His name is William Ferguson, and his social security number is 392-90-2093.

Gus Johnson, whose network carries live coverage of the Senate every March, was pleased. “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” he commented, adding “!!!!!”. Johnson’s head later exploded. A college student who claimed to be socially liberal but totally fiscally conservative was not reached for comment, but insisted on commenting anyway. “If you let the supply curve intersect with the demand curve, you get perfect equilibrium” and “government should definitely stay out of people’s bedrooms”. He continued on for 30 more meandering minutes before finally proving his intellectual might.

The powerful group representing organized labor and surprisingly competitive Catholic basketball leagues, the AFL-CYO, weighed in on the matter as well. “This is an encroachment on the rights of the scrappy Orange team, who must now accept their year-ending pizza party with the bitter realization that the dream has been deferred for one more year.”

The Senate is expected to reconcile the measure with the House once the Congress returns from its summer recess.

Breaking - Obama Won't Rule Out Signing Vick

Claims Ex-NFLer "Ideal fit for wildcat formation"

Washington, D.C. (AP) - In a move that left most analysts surprised and could drastically alter the debate for healthcare reform, President Obama would not rule out the possibility of enlisting former Atlanta Falcons star quarterback Michael Vick to run a new government healthcare plan.

After weeks of debate on a so-called “public option”, Obama has instead decided to implement the “public wildcat”, employing up to four running backs at once to ensure greater access to medical care for the nation’s fifty million uninsured. “Well, look.” added the president.

Former Kansas governor Kathleen Sebelius, once thought to be the future of the administration’s plans at Secretary of Health and Human Services, took the news with grace. “We just gotta [sic] go out there and execute. Just trying to get better as a team – that’s what this is all about.”

PETA immediately protested the move by Mr. Obama, claiming that Mr. Vick’s past transgressions outweigh his breathtaking open-field speed and ability to hold down prescription drug costs. Pita, however, supported the move, stating, “We always believed gyros were an integral part of any reform, and we’re happy to see the president agrees with us.”