Breaking – Landmark District IX Bill Passes

Legislation to Mandate Equal Funding for Turning Female Athletes into Aliens

Washington, D.C. (AP) – Women's rights groups claimed a major victory on Thursday as both Congressional chambers finalized a new plan that would mandate equal funding to help female athletes transform into prawn-shaped beings.

The sprawling bill was fraught with earmarks and riders, and is likely to have many unintended consequences. Athletic directors across the country fear that this means that there will be less funding to help male athletes in minor sports such as fencing, wrestling, and backgammon turn into aliens. "Obviously, you don't want to have a situation where you DO cut funding for sports, but again, you DON'T want to have a situation where you don't have enough funding for alien metamorphosis" added Tim McCarver, who is not an athletic director, but whose recent album can be purchased from Archer Records.

Democratic Senator Max Baucus initially introduced the measure in a more watered-down form. However, a surprisingly fervent base of reform-advocates and catnip interest groups insisted that the bill be strengthened before leaving Mr. Baucus's committee. "Today, we made history by guaranteeing that our daughters will have the same opportunities as our sons," said the Senator in a statement.

The bill was not delivered to the President for finalization through its usual channels. Instead, it was lovingly but mysteriously placed at his door while he slept, perhaps hinting at a sequel District X bill.

Breaking - Local High School Junior Running to be YOUR Vice President

Ramapo, NJ (AP) – In a painfully generic student body election speech that left even his once-enthusiastic friends indifferent, Ramapo High School junior Ken Folk announced his intention to be “YOUR next Vice President.”

“I’m not going to promise that there won’t be homework or that school will end early,” Folk asserted, despite the fact that no one in the history of school or elections has ever promised anything that remotely resembles either. Folk insisted that he would instead “work to make school dances more fun, and to increase school spirit.”

Despite a campaign that has been dogged by rumors that he is only running for Vice President because a more popular student is running for President, Folk was adamant that he could “really make a difference around here.”

Folk’s speech received a lukewarm reception from the audience of his peers. Most students polled afterwards were not even aware that he had made an opening joke, a fact that suggests his terrible delivery and general lack of charisma will be hard to overcome. One cranky gentleman went so far as to label Folk “a fatcat”, though this gentleman later turned out to be a bearded, depressed, and apparently unemployed Dennis Hastert, or possibly Dennis Green.

For weeks, the young candidate had plastered the school with signs that blended in with the other candidates’ pun-based advertisements. “Vote for Nick – He’s Good Folk!” read one pasted near Cafeteria B. Folk’s last ditch attempt to form an alliance with two other candidates with whom he was reasonably friendly but not all that close apparently failed – despite hours of repeating their hilariously ironic catchphrase, “vote for Triple Team Awesome”. Folk’s own enthusiasm for his candidacy was called into question, as unnamed sources close to him have reportedly stated that Folk is running for impure reasons. They have claimed that he is only running because he is a panicked junior who realized that he has wasted two years and desperately needs something to add to his resume before applying to colleges in the fall.

Folk’s bromide-laden speech was the culmination of his painfully awkward campaign. His insistence that “he loves Ramapo High and intends to be a Wildcat forever” went over poorly with the key demographic of apathetic students. Fortunately, this group has low turnout and is far more likely to draw a “rocket ship” on a ballot than to use it to vote. The statement also failed to resonate with student-athletes, most of whom felt that Folk lacked the gravitas and personal background to make such a statement.

Near the end of his speech, caked in flop sweat, Folk chose to make a string of hollow references in a last-l attempt to save face and pander to the audience. “Hey, who remembers Power Rangers?!?” he asked, receiving a response of nothing but crickets and the audible rumbling of stomachs of students who had to wake up at 6:30 to get to school on time yet are not allowed to eat lunch until noon.

Folk ended his speech after his allotted three minutes were up. Results will be announced after school, and the Ultimate Frisbee Club will have its introductory meeting in the choir room this Friday immediately after school.

A Brief History of Gunslinging

Much ink has been spilled over Brett Favre’s decision to return to the NFL. Favre’s name is synonymous with gunslinging. A gunslinger, of course, is one who plays aggressively – some might say recklessly - and takes huge risks in order to reap rewards. Sometimes these risks pay off and you win the Super Bowl; other times, you end up spending a year playing for the Jets. Personally, I love watching him play and I’m happy to have him back, though I wish it were for any team other than the Vikings. Nevertheless, Favre is far from the first gunslinger in our history. What follows is a look at gunslinging through the ages.

10000 B.C.: Hunter-gatherers finally satisfy their respective mothers by settling down, having some kids, and developing agriculture. First known instance of gunslinging when man decides to suck on cow’s udder, hope for the best.

9000 B.C.: Mesopotamaia develops in one of the more fertile crescents of the time period. Anatomically correct idols built, leading to much giggling among the era’s pubescent population. Spearslinging at an all time high.

3200 - 2500 B.C.: Growth of urbanism in the Indus valley. Earliest recorded evidence of warehouse parties and the written word. Man who created warehouse party is universally celebrated; man who wrote first word soon beheaded for crimes against the state. Brutal Shirt tribe oppresses and ultimately conquers more timid Skins. Vinny Testaverde hits Methusaleh on a slant pattern in the end zone to win first Orange Bowl.

1800 B.C.: Beginning of Shang dynasty in China. Comical obsession with alluvial plains ultimately dooms empire, leaving future military historians to wonder what might have been. Most agree Shang looked great at the combine against a chair.

1728 B.C.: Hammurabi writes his famous code. Crime plummets as “eye for an eye” becomes the law of the land. Number of eyes also plummets. Gunslingers everywhere persecuted for their beliefs, asked to simply manage the game.

500 B.C.: Reforms of Cleisthenes establish Athenian democracy.

478-404 B.C.: Athens dominates Aegean through Delian League. Sadly, when traded to American League, fail to live up to expectations as ERA soars. Parthenon built as gunslinging architects look around Greece and decide “not enough columns”.

399 B.C.: Socrates tried and executed in Athens. Socratic Method, hemlock drinking see surge in popularity.

218 B.C.: Hannibal uses elephants to attack Rome. Romans forced to use A-Wings and tow cables to circle elephants three times in order to get them to trip and explode.

146 B.C.: Romans sack Carthage and Corinth. In a display of horticultural gunslinging, they plant salt so nothing can ever grow again.

60 B.C.: Social disorder emerges in Rome as the empire expands. Attempts at social networking prove fruitless, as most civilians chose to either take black and white pensive photographs of themselves or “become fans of” wheat farming.

46 – 57 A.D.: Missionary journeys of St. Paul. Paul later comes out of retirement to sign with rival Zoroastrians.

313 A.D.: Constantine gunslings with an unprecedented decree of religious tolerance. Huguenots rejoice.

410 A.D.: Visigoths sack Rome, though controversy persists to this day as scholars feel Rome merely slid to allow Visigoths to break Mark Gastineau’s sack record.

600-1400 A.D.: Dark Ages. Human progress lags. Spanish inquire about everything from which God you worship to why you got home so late last night – we agreed to midnight, mister! Gunslinging lags.

850 A.D.: After building huge lead, Mayan civilization collapses.

1354 A.D.: Ottoman empire develops after capture of Gallipoli, later leading to classic Jay-Z line “I ain’t an Ottoman, I’m an Otto…man”.

1470 A.D.: Incan government decides that all farmland is to be state owned. Locals fear this means insertion of government bureaucrat between you and your okra.

1492 A.D.: Columbus slings his way across the Atlantic and successfully finds a passage to India.

1507 A.D.: In least interesting occupation of all time, the Portuguese take Mozambique.

1517 A.D.: Luther publishes 99 Theses, later developed into a Steve Gutenberg vehicle by Disney.

1500 – 1600 A.D.: Renaissance. Gunslingers across Europe reject lives of their fathers, eschewing careers in mudwallowing and corpse fondling to revive art and literature from the classic world. They are branded as “fairly gay” by their contemporaries.

1520 A.D.: Suleiman the Magnificent shatters record for funniest name by a ruler, besting previous mark set by Tamerlane the Your Mother.

1565 A.D.: Potato introduced to Europe from South America. Gunslinging southpaw Seamus O’Flannigan becomes first potato tycoon, later inspiring a very unpopular video game.

1624 A.D.: Dutch purchase Manhattan for 24 beads, a variety of bagels, and several lewd hand gestures.

1640 – 1750 A.D.: The Enlightenment. Rejection of ancient dogma as forward thinking gunslingers embrace reason, science, and logic. They are branded as “fairly gay” by their contemporaries.

1667 A.D.: Russia acquires large areas of Poland, Lithuania, and Northeast Philadelphia. Local entrepreneurs gunsling by serving vodka to kindergarteners.

1762 A.D.: Philosopher Rousseau holds out, demanding a new Social Contract.

1776 A.D.: USA! USA! USA!

1819 A.D.: Singapore founded as a free trade port. Singaporean dockworkers union laments loss of jobs shipped overseas to themselves.

1830 A.D.: In a blow for gunslinging, last Caribbean pirate hanged. 1976 Bucs pay tribute by lovingly refusing to win a game.

1841 A.D.: Ninth President William Harrison gives longest inauguration speech in history, then gets pneumonia and dies.

1841-1845 A.D.: Tenth President John Tyler spends four years repaying the powerful Pneumonia Lobby.

1856 A.D: Senator Preston Brooks beats Senator Charles Sumner with a wooden cane on the floor of the upper chamber, leaving Sumner unable to perform his duties for three years.

1861-1865 A.D.: War of Northern Aggression.

1863 A.D.: Lincoln finally issues Emancipation Proclamation despite pundits warning him against doing so, citing potential loss of key indentured servants bloc in ’64 election.

1864 A.D.: Jefferson Davis taunts the North by grabbing crotch and yelling vulgarities. General Grant responds by burning down Georgia.

1918 A.D.: United States enters World War I in 3^rd quarter; still has fresh legs, able to defeat Germany.

1933 A.D.: Neville Chamberlain, a proud proponent of Martyball, plays it safe by punting on 2^nd down and ceding Czechoslovakia to Germany. Gunslingers everywhere call for his resignation.

1941 -1945 A.D.: USA! USA! USA!

1944 A.D.: High water point of gunslinging, as D-Day fuels the liberation of Europe.

1949 A.D.: Bruce Springsteen born in Long Branch, New Jersey.

1953 A.D.: Ayn Rand publishes Atlas Slinged, the objectivist manifesto. Atomic testing continues in New Mexico, marking the peak of the state's cultural relevance. Since then, it's just...(ahem)...plateaued.

1957 A.D: Dixiecrat Senator Strom Thurmond filibusters against a landmark civil rights bill, ironically rendering later students of history speechless.

1960 A.D.: Snowball votes for John F. Kennedy, swinging Illinois to the young Senator and ushering in Camelot.

1963 A.D.: “When we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

1965 A.D.: President Johnson passes sweeping Civil Rights Act, breaking his historic ties to southern Democrats.

1969 A.D.: “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

1972 A.D.: Watergate. Most viewers who saw the debate on TV felt that Watergate won, though radio listeners gave the nod to Nixon.

1987 A.D.: “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”

1989 A.D: Seinfeld, a mediocre family sitcom, follows the life of George and his pals as they grow up in this wacky world of ours. Many critics feel the series is a less funny version of According to Jim.

1995-1997: Favre wins three straight MVP awards, thereby earning lifetime immunity. Fran Tarkenton grows progressively crankier.

2002: President Bush vows to “smoke him out where he lives.” Ominously, “him” and “where” left undefined.

2007: Chicagoan Barack Obama pledges bipartisanship and launches a long shot presidential campaign.

2007: Chicagoan Rex Grossman pledges bipartisanship and shares the ball with Indianapolis Colts multiple times in Super Bowl XLI.

2008-Present Day: Financial crisis. Gunslingers borrow vast sums of money, purchase toxic securities, receive government bailout, and pay themselves handsomely. Nero continues fiddling.

Walking With the Fatcats

My favorite vacations are the ones that I take to previously unvisited American cities. Cities that don’t get a lot of publicity as fun tourist spots – such as St. Louis and Nashville – I have found to be as enjoyable as Paris or London. It’s nice to see one’s own country.

When my parents announced that we would be going to Washington, D.C. for five days this August, I was ecstatic. Another city to check off the list.

The long car ride there produced the requisite three hour nap and awful breath. Upon waking up from this nap, it felt as though my soul was being sucked through my eyes due to excessively dry contact lenses. Plus, I recently got Invisalign. Though it’s true they are not as obstructive as braces, the makers don’t tell you it takes some time to get used to pronouncing certain sounds with the device in your mouth. Though by now I’ve bathically gotten uthed to the Invithalign system.

Much like Robert Horry in Game 5 or Macbeth in Act 2, the lack of parking at the hotel was a complete dagger. Our room was the standard small hotel room with two beds and a TV, but the hotel’s main lobby and interior were breathtaking. I could only wonder what dignitaries had passed through those doors, perhaps a young Henry Waxman, his wispy moustache just a twinkle in his eye.

Like most teenage American males, I have a bureaucracy fetish. My heart fluttered when we passed the Federal Trade Commission building, imagination running wild at the thought of some inoffensively well-groomed young bureaucrat regulating interstate commerce. I also saw the headquarters for the company that handles all online course transactions for many schools, Blackboard. I was going to go inside, but the building was scheduled for routine maintenance.

The walk we took that first night included a stop for water at a local frozen yogurt shop that was wonderful. I was forced to spring $3.00 for a bottle of Fiji water, which angered me for one main reason. Fiji filled its bottle with environmental and green imagery, and even infused it into its logo. However, by the time the water is flown from across the Pacific, bottled, and shipped to this distributor, enough carbon has been used to eat a horse. Granted, I’m not allowed to use cogent metaphors until the Department of Literary Devices approves my requisition document, but you understand the hypocrisy that infuriated me. Furthermore, the frozen yogurt store had a poster that touted a local television news story about it that stated “Immortalized until the end of time by NBC10 Washington”. If there is one thing in this world that I am sure of, it is that the regional affiliate of NBC in the mid-Atlantic does not hold the key to immortality.

Blackboard was not the only entity to have an impressive office building in Washington. Both National Public Radio and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting (provider of PBS) were housed there as well. I like NPR, even though their broadcasts are invariably either an extended interview with the deputy education minister of Latvia, an opportunity to win an answering machine recording from Carl Kassell, or Car Talk.

Day 2 of 5

Day one, the day of our arrival, did not present an opportunity to do much sightseeing due to the fact that we arrived at 10:00 pm. Day two was far different. Battling the oppressive D.C. heat, we took public transportation to the Georgetown neighborhood of the city. It was gorgeous. There was a thriving commercial district, and more interestingly, Georgetown University. Much like how my school has a few people who arrogantly believe they are smarter than you because they know what level the Dow is currently at, I couldn’t shake the feeling that many people in the Georgetown area - not necessarily students - thought they were smarter than me because they knew that Ohio was a swing state. Despite this, the Georgetown visit was among the highlights of the trip.

The area was undeniably upscale. The houses near the university were all neatly kept and new looking, nothing like the off campus housing in Philadelphia. The campus itself is beautiful, and you can see down into their football stadium without entering it. The Hoya football team was going through training camp, though I can’t say I like their chances for the upcoming season given that me, my mom and my sister beat them 49-7 during a scrimmage, and we only gave up the touchdown because my sister was a great nose tackle and we foolishly switched to a 4-3 defense.

A different neighborhood, called Foggy Bottom, was explored next. The State Department and the Federal Reserve Building were in fairly close proximity to where the bus left us. Obviously, Hillary Clinton and Ben Bernanke are the big names, but it’s still the preseason, and I’m excited to see if Assistant Deputy Undersecretary of State Adam Dimichele can make the squad this year or if Rhett Bomar’s going to beat him out. Sadly, due to a cartographical error – namely, we walked ten blocks in the wrong direction because of my inability to read a map – they were left unseen.

Day 3 of 5

I had never seen the Capitol Building, White House or the presidential monuments. Fortunately, every famous building in Washington is close to a large, rectangular, national mall-looking type of area. Day three was finally the day to visit them all.

The Capitol Building was first. Undeniably awesome to soak in all the history of the great men and women who built the country. I even saw the spot where Senator Henry Clay, known in the 19^th Century as “The Great Compromiser”, forgot to take out the Senate trash can when it was his turn. Clay defused a sticky situation by “totally promising to get the next two”, adding, “brah”.

We soon walked past the White House. Hard to wrap one’s head around all the major events that had taken place in a building just a few hundred feet away, from President Roosevelt fighting the Great Depression to President Fillmore fighting boredom. Mr. Fillmore bravely won the War on Ennui through a then-brilliant strategy of constantly refreshing ESPN and Facebook. There were also some crazy people protesting President Obama over something stupid a few yards away from us. I think they wanted him to denounce Eggo for using whales in the manufacture of its delicious waffles. Well, then where am I supposed to get my daily suggested amount of Beluga, hippies?!? Didn’t think of that, did you!?!?

After leaving the White House and the Capitol, we went over to the epicenter of the nation’s fatcats, K Street. K Street is home to the major lobbying firms in the country, from oil companies to organized labor to a despicable cartel that hoards marble pillars, coffee tables, and mildly interesting books known only as the Lobby Lobby.

The Lincoln, Washington, and Jefferson memorials were next. I was surprised by how pristine all of them look despite being out in the Washington weather through the decades. Though they were all stunning up close – especially Jefferson’s – I couldn’t help but feel that these were finesse monuments that simply would not be able to win in January.

Day 4 of 5

We spent some time at a few museums today. The city has far too many museums to see them all, so prioritizing is one of the Pepsi Keys to the Game. The other two, of course, are “Get Off to a Good Start” and “Bend but Don’t Break!” Anyway, the National Archives held the Constitution, Bill of Rights, and Declaration of Independence, so it was obviously first on the list. I’m just thankful that the country was founded two hundred years ago and not now, because the National Hard Drive would be way less cool.

A quick stop at the Library of Congress included an inspection of Mr. Jefferson’s personal library. One particular tome, A History of Mineral Waters, truly made me appreciate how little there was to do in the 18^th century.

The archives held a lot more than just the three Charters of Freedom. Hilariously, the light in the room with the sensitive documents was kept at “two footcandles of intensity”. Yes, our measuring system is actually that hilarious. A footcandle is the intensity of light given off by a candle one foot away from you, I was told. “A sunny day is over 12,000 footcandles!” read one placard. Finally, a way to clear things up around here! It’s nothing but footcandles from here on out for everything.

The National Portrait Gallery, which included portraits of all the presidents, was visited later that afternoon. I don’t know who designed the Gallery, but I thought it was pretty telling that the more interesting, historically significant presidents such as Washington and Lincoln got enormous portraits and the minor presidents like Franklin Pierce basically got postage stamps. Washington and Lincoln had so much pull that even their respective entourages got to have portraits of them in the Gallery, like Washington’s older, less successful step brother and lovable portly friend.

Day 5 of 5

On the way back to New Jersey, I learned how to pump my own gas.

Melting

Old Calvin and Hobbes strips occasionally depicted the blond protagonist on a boring day. He would create an elaborate fantasy for himself involving dinosaurs or aliens, and emerge in the final panel in the real world chewing on a table or some similar example of youthful escapism. Hobbes might add some philosophical thoughts, and Calvin’s flame Susie Jenkins, a noted pinko, might throw in some bromides about “life on the commune”. Anyway, the point is, Calvin had the imagination to survive the dog days of summer.

I, however, do not. After watching the same episode of SportsCenter four times in a row, I realized I had filled my quota of John Buccigross for the day. As a side note, I’m not a big fan of the quota system for John Buccigross, as I believe in a meritocracy, though I respect the Supreme Court’s decision in Grutter v. Buccigross stating that Buccigross can be one of, though not the determining, factor taken into consideration when watching daytime TV. Then I flipped over to Top 10 Punters in NFL History on the NFL Network. Can’t believe it was Tom Tupa over Sean Landeta!

Frequently, during these slow August days when my mind seems like it's melting, I come up with ways for me to improve myself. Usually, this means doing three situps, learning the first two chords of “Thunder Road”, and then taking a nap. Sometimes I try to figure out what the inside of my nose smells like.

On slow enough days, I’ll flick over to CSPAN. Thanks to Verizon FiOS, my television package not only includes CSPAN, but CSPAN2, CSPANNEWS, and CSPANClassic. CSPANClassic was showing a rerun of the ’96 welfare reform and the subsequent signing ceremony, in which a young gunslinger named Bill “Willy the Kid” Clinton led an historic comeback. I was struck not only by how much fun he was having out there, but by how he was playing just like he used to as a little kid engineering upward social mobility in his backyard.

The boredom was broken up by Pedro Martinez, making his Phillies debut. Pitching on a mere 300 days rest, there were many questions to be answered. I can see why so many in my generation are disillusioned by the level of vitriol and rancor in today’s world of upgrading starting pitching late in the year. The rank hypocrisy of some who were so quick to condemn Robert Bork yet embrace Pedro Martinez –Bork was pitching in the mid 90s for the IronPigs – is appalling. Apalling!