Breaking – Penn to cancel “Undergraduate Assesmbly” after current season

Critically Acclaimed but Lowly Rated Series to Call it Quits in May

Philadelphia, PA (AP) – Penn, the last-place network that has been languishing in the ratings cellar, announced in a statement that the series Undergraduate Assembly will be canceled at the end of the season. Though the series has a cult following and a host of awards, its consistent inability to attract viewer interest led Penn to finally cut its ties with the institution.

Media analyst Walter Jaffe summarized the situation. "UA had a nice run, but it was never able to draw interest from the key demographic of 18-22 year old males, or 18-22 year old females, or anyone."

The series premiered in 1968 as a spinoff of the popular sitcom Humphrey Dumpty, which centered on the wacky antics of Hubert H. Humphery at the 1968 Democratic National Convention. UA itself, which was based on the goings-on of a student government association, could never match the popularity of its predecessor despite an intense promotional blitz every year. "The overarching storylines of adding air conditioning to Hill college house and improving the food at Commons were interesting at first, but they got stale after they literally didn't talk about anything else for 43 straight seasons," said Jaffe. Roger Stearns, a long-time media critic, felt that "the creepy, palpable ambition of the central characters was probably a little too much for Joe Q. Public."

UA's cultural relevance peaked in 2003 when it won an Emmy for "Outstanding Achievement in a Show Nobody Cares About", narrowly edging out both The Wire and Arrested Development. A perennial critical darling, the show also attracted a small but loyal audience throughout its run. "We're just happy that they will have an actual finale, and that they weren't pulled mid-season", remarked Andrew Fuomo, an ardent supporter who "never misses an episode."

Fans such as Fuomo believe the show reached a creative high point in the 2006 episode "18 to Show Up, 21 to Co-Op" that explored the relationship between off-campus fraternity party regulation and sustainable living experiments.

Penn has decided to replace Undergraduate Assembly with The Jay Leno Show. Mr. Leno immediately vowed to "try as hard as he can to get Oasis for Spring Fling."

Breaking - NBC To Debut Several Deadpan, Laugh-Track Free Comedies

Shows to be Centered Around Wacky but Lovable Characters

Burbank, CA (AP) – Hoping to capitalize off of its popular comedies The Office, 30 Rock, Parks and Recreations, and Community, NBC has decided to launch several new sitcoms this fall that the network hopes will build on the momentum those series have created.

Single Camera, a television show about a struggling photography magazine, will be shot in a similar style as The Office and Parks and Recreations. Various characters will alternately stare into the camera and glance at each other flirtatiously while giving seemingly off-the-cuff interviews. The show is slated to have one serious character, his attractive love interest, a slapstick comedian, and a motley crew of adorable artists.

The network also announced Save Me, a series that will follow the lives of multiple washed-up comedians whose careers were believed to be over in 2002. Chris Kattan will play the lead, but the rest of the cast reportedly is made up of a serious character, her attractive love interest, a slapstick comedian, and a motley crew of adorable artists.

Tuesdays at 9:30 will be the new home of Tapestry, a show about a carpet-makers union. The sitcom will be a melancholic but humorous look at a group of laborers in Duluth, Minnesota. Leaked plot details indicate that the first episode will hint at future drama by having star-crossed characters make eye contact before a shaky camera abruptly cuts away.

Follow Me to Freedom!

ESPN’s decline into nothingness is now complete. There was once a time when the network provided a sober, serious recap of the day’s sports news and mixed in an appropriately small amount of entertainment. Now, the roles have been reversed. The louder and more hyperbolic your point is, the more airtime ESPN will give you. I just caught the newest episode of Feigned Outrage with host Skip Bayless, and, honestly, it wasn’t as bad as Around the Horn.

Too bad ESPN has a monopoly on sports news, otherwise I would just change channels. But anyway, here are some shows I read are confirmed for ESPN’s fall lineup:

1. Come Over Here and Say That with Jay Mariotti.

2. Your Mother with Scoop Jackson.

3. 3. 3. Bob Ley Has a Gun.

4. 4. 4. Tweeting with Tony. Stat boy, or Tony Reali, sits there and reads tweets out loud. Of course, he will be flabbergasted at every tweet he reads. “You’re crazy! You think Kobe is one of the ten greatest players ever? He’s only in the top twelve! MUTE!”

…so John Kruk [redacts] his [redacted] into Woody Paige’s [redacted], at which point Paige starts [redacting] into Chris Berman’s [redacted]. Berman then [redacts] into Scott Van Pelt’s [redacted], who ends up eating far too much [redacted] for one man, or at least for one man in a single sitting. They all conjugate ‘redacted’ even though you’re not supposed to. I call it: The Aristocrats!