Showing posts with label Observed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Observed. Show all posts

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Just Gotta Execute

My relationship with Twitter has evolved considerably over the last year. At first, I did nothing but go to twitter.com/sportsguy33 500 times per day to see if Bill Simmons had tweeted anything. I didn't even have my own screen name. Eventually, I signed up for one and began following dozens of celebrities and athletes. This was the great appeal of Twitter – the ability to have people like P. Diddy communicate directly with me. I soon abandoned the site because watching Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian tweet at each other all day was mind bogglingly boring.

I assumed I would never go back to Twitter, but this past semester my friend Jason revamped his Twitter so that he was only following journalists and news sources. I copied him, and the change was incredible. The ability to have Adam Schefter and Marc Stein constantly updating me on the sports world via the Twitter app on my BlackBerry was fantastic. Having a Twitter app feels like having tabbed browsing on a phone, and I can't get enough of it.

Still, Twitter remains hilarious due to the prevalence of hashtags. Hashtags are a way to categorize tweets. People make lame Twitter jokes with fake hashtags all the time #ThingsIDoandAmNowBeingHypocritical. My friends and I sometimes come up with fake hashtags to make each other laugh.

This morning, I was late for a meeting at the credit union I work for and tweeted the following: "Showed up late for my own meeting, bouta fine myself #teamdiscipline #joshmcdaniels." My friend Jason and I realized that #teamdiscipline is pretty funny and we ran with it. The following are the highlights from our conversation (with Twitter screen names I made up for privacy's sake). For those not familiar with Twitter, the first screename which follows @ is the person who is tweeting, the second one is the person for whom the tweet is intended. You have to be in the right frame of mind to enjoy these. Remember that adding a hashtag to something is supposed to give it gravitas and depth,.

@guybuddy: @friendguy protect your gaps #teamdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy been in the film room since 5 am #teamdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy just got to the team bus at noon, we're supposed to leave at 6 pm. Not taking chances #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy heading to the locker room for the team dinner #teamdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy chillin wit players who play the game the right way discussing #teamdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy Jason varitek wes welker and david Epstein speaking to the guys this morning about #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy making sure not to tweet during the game #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy put the playbook under my pillow #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy making sure not to jump the snap #teamdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy not leading with my helmet #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy can't be distracted by the cheerleaders #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy making sure not to step out of bounds before I get thrown to #teamdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy going straight to the locker room and ignoring reporters, gotta get a head start on prep for next week #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy reestablishing my feet after entering the end zone to establish #fieldposition #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy winning one for the gipper #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy giving turkeys away outta this truck to give back to the community #nflcares #teamdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy making sure to listen to the cadences properly #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy can't hit the guy in the red jersey in practice #teamdiscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy making sure all the text in my playbook is Helvetica #fontdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy bouta put on this goofy mask and stab some teams #screamdiscipline

@friendguy: @guybuddy bouta watch that rickroll video again #memediscipline

@guybuddy: @friendguy radio killa killa killa #DREAMdiscipline


…I am easily amused.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Ocean City, Maryland

I used to enjoy having being younger than most of my friends. For some reason, as a child, I assumed this meant that I got to live longer even if it meant being shorter and skinnier than my peers. Obviously, this was pretty dumb reasoning. Being younger than all of your friends stops being fun right after your 20th birthday.

My friend Dan and I are the last in our group of friends to turn 21. This means that while everyone else gets to go to bars, Dan and I recreate my social life from age 11 to age 16. Basically, I have enough time to start a Madden franchise and play through the 2027 season. As an aside, I always hated how Madden allows players to take storied franchises with deep ties to the local community – such as the Packers or Steelers – and move them to hundreds of locations in the country, including Puerto Rico…but not to any cities in New Jersey. Yes, the geniuses at EA Sports will allow you to take the Giants and move them so home games are played in Yellowstone National Park or something, but I can't move the Jaguars to Newark.

Another friend of mine, Jon, came up with a list of the worst possible fake IDs which one can use. This was inspired by a story of a time that this kid we both knew actually took a novelty McLovin ID from a Superbad promotion and used it at a bar, and the bouncer thought it was so funny that he let the kid in. Jon's list included:

  1. A Dominique Wilkins jersey
  2. The limited edition director's cut of the movie 21, in which a talented group of misfits from MIT takes on Vegas…and wins! (spoiler alert)
  3. An index card with the number 21 written in Sharpie. *must have charisma and/or moxie to get away with this one

Neil, previously mentioned in my recap of the Toronto Spring Break trip, turned 21 over Memorial Day weekend. Dan, Mike, me, Nate, Neil and eight of Neil's high school friends chipped in and rented a house in Ocean City, Maryland to celebrate. As mentioned, Dan and I aren't 21 so our weekend was considerably tamer than the ones everyone else experienced. Still a great trip though.

Thursday 12:15 pm – 2:15 pm

Technically, not part of the trip, but this time period certainly affected my travel plans. I had to drive my friend Ojus to the Department of Motor Vehicles to update his license since he too had recently turned 21. The DMV remains a model of efficiency matched only by Comcast's tech support and the Philadelphia Eagles' 2-Minute Drill. I had intended to leave Jersey by 1:00 pm but was delayed nearly two hours.

Thursday 3:30 pm – 8:00 pm

The Drive. If I were John Elway, I would just capitalize everyday verbs so I could make them feel epic, though I guess at some point they begin to look like titles to Seinfeld episodes (The Deal, The Fix-Up, etc.). Thank god the annoying writers from Friends didn't work in sports journalism in the 1980s, or Elway's exploits would all have titles like The One With the Drive or The One With No Regard for His Body, First Down Denver.

Unlike Elway, I actually went into Baltimore. I had to stop there on my way south in order to pick up a friend. The first thing I saw from the highway was the shipyard made famous by Season 2 of The Wire. Baltimore on its surface doesn't seem so bad – nice skyline, sparkling football stadium, plenty of waterfront areas. But I guess the genius of The Wire was exposing the corruption and urban decay that lurk slightly below the surface – even though tourists like me are completely oblivious to it.

Thursday 9:00 pm – 12:00 pm

I left Neil's and went to my cousin's for dinner and to watch Game 5 of the Suns-Lakers series. For the past decade, I would mark the end of the season for a given league in two ways. First, the season was pretty much done the day Nets or Cowboys were eliminated. But, I would breathe a sigh of relief and consider the season truly over once the Lakers and Eagles were prevented from claiming the championship. Once those teams were out, I could enjoy the rest of postseason play stress free.

Why? Because for most of the past decade, the Nets and Cowboys have sucked. Dallas was great in 2007 and the Nets were decent in a crummy conference for two years, but that's three seasons out of a total twenty combined NFL and NBA years where my teams had a realistic chance of winning a title. In contrast, the Eagles and Lakers are something like fourteen for twenty in terms of combined contending seasons. And I don't hate the Patriots as much as the Eagles because New England wasn't beating Dallas by forty points twice a year for ten years.

So, I was rooting pretty hard for the Suns. Thank god Ron Artest provided me with the following two quotes over the next three days; otherwise I'd be legitimately bummed out by his Game 5 heroics:

"Say Queensbridge!" – to Craig Sager after the game.

"Growing up in New York, if you called someone for charging, you knew someone was getting stabbed after the game." – from a SportsCenter report on how Phil Jackson wanted his team to draw charges in the Finals.

Friday 9:00 am – 2:00 pm

We wake up early to pack and head to the beach. The Friday before Memorial Day is one of the busier traffic days of the year, so we knew ahead of time it was going to be brutal. One of my few talents is the ability to fall asleep during any car ride, which means that instead of being awake for five miserable hours, I went to sleep and woke up at the beach. One of the special features to an extended edition Lord of the Rings DVD said that Elijah Wood used to fall asleep all the time on the set. Again, I really didn't have a social life from age 11 to age 16.

Friday 3:00 pm – 8: 00 pm

I paid something like $39.99 for two slices of pizza before eight of us got a pickup football game going at the beach. I hadn't gunslinged in several months, but gunslinging is a lot like riding a bike – assuming that the bike has no brakes and maybe one tire inflated. In short, I was awful. Still a fun time though.

Mike, who was previously named Gunslinger of the Year for his decision to drive from Philadelphia to Disney World for the night, is a high roller. As the rest of us were putting our groceries away and determining bedding arrangements, Mike called some beach company and began a spirited defense of his title as Gunslinger of the Year. The conversation went as follows:

Mike: Hi, how much does it cost to rent jet skis?

[inaudible response by the other person on the phone]

Mike: Oh ok, thanks. I'll keep you posted. [hangs up]

Jetski would make a great last name for someone from eastern Europe.

Friday 8:00 pm – 9:00 pm

We went to dinner. Ocean City, Maryland is nice, but not as nice as Ocean City, New Jersey. A lot nicer than Seaside though.

Dinner was key since it was the last time I ate a vegetable until Monday at 9:30 pm. In fact, renting a beach house and living with a group of friends is both a lot of fun and incredibly disgusting. For example, my friend Nate claimed he was happy he showered on Sunday morning because it was the exact midpoint of the trip. It was his only shower over 3 days.

When you're at a beach house, a lot of little things that make life livable get taken for granted. For example, no one buys any antibacterial soap. Many people will seek to be magnanimous and state that they will buy some the next time they go on a 7/11 run, but it never happens. Meanwhile, the only groceries we bought were all pseudofoods – Ramen, hot dogs, etc. We would have been better off just pouring salt in oil and drinking it. So to recap, your hands are going to be encrusted in filth because no one buys soap and you're going to be eating nothing but material that put the "stuffs" in foodstuffs. And yet I keep coming back.

Saturday 1:00 pm – 6:00 pm

More football and lounging on the beach. My ankles and knees were killing me from running on the sand all the time. Andre Bynum recently had 70 milliliters of fluid drained from his knee, which are almost two shots of knee fluid with which Ron-Ron can chase down that Hennessy at halftime.

There was a radio blaring 808s and Heartbreak in front of a sign that said Free Magic Show. I don't know what the magician was getting at here.

Saturday 8:00 pm – 9:00 pm

Dinner at a kebab place on the boardwalk. Still no sight of a vegetable. Six or seven of Neil's high school friends came up for the night, which relegated me to the bench. Still, I did a solid job of bailing out failed jokes and staying out of the way – a good performance from a hustles/intangibles standpoint. This was me.

Saturday 11:45 pm

An extra large coffee is purchased.

Sunday 1:00 pm – 6:00 pm

I hung out with our neighbor for a bit and then headed to the beach. I think what bugs me the most about political commentators on Fox and MSNBC (no one watches CNN, whose programming now consists mainly of John King reading assorted Twitter feeds at you) is the insistence on grouping people into monolithic demographics. Nascar dads, soccer moms, the key backgammon seniors block of western Ohio.

The neighbor I met would have made a pundit's head explode. He drove a pickup truck and cursed at the Volkswagen we saw driving by our shared building. But he wasn't religious or into sports. He didn't attend college and worked as a contractor. He didn't hate the government.

Anyway, by Sunday, my diet had consisted of nothing but pseudofoods. I don't know how the hot dog eating contest is legal. The winner usually eats around 60 hot dogs, which comes out to something like 660 grams of fat. This is equivalent to nearly 30 KFC Double Down sandwiches. Identity politics are pretty awful.

I soon spent $60 on boardwalk games trying to win a Brandon Jennings jersey. No dice.

The boardwalk, as required by law, had many of those stores where you can buy t-shirts of things like Calvin wearing a Redskins jersey peeing on the Cowboys logo. Strangely, these stores were also selling tons of sweatshirts with the Monster drink logo. I don't wear energy sweatshirts though, since they make me jittery.

Monday 10:00 am

The drive home begins. Very bittersweet that the weekend was ending – most of us begin work in the days right after Memorial Day, so it was a de facto end to summer vacation.

Monday 6:00 pm

We arrive at Neil's house eight hours after leaving the house. Memorial Day traffic was a dagger, but luckily I fell asleep for most of it.

Monday 9:22 pm

I arrive at my home in New Jersey 223 miles away from Neil's house. As the announcer in N64's Star Wars Episode 1: Podracer would have said, "It's a new course record!" Have I mentioned that I had no social life between the ages of 11 and 16?

Monday 9:30 pm

I eat a vegetable.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Graduation

Pollen¸ Jerry Bruckheimer, and college seniors are all known for coming up big in the middle of May. Yesterday, I attended my cousin's graduation from Rutgers University in New Jersey.

I have a passion for solid offensive line play and sound logistical planning. The Rutgers graduation committee did an excellent job organizing an efficient ceremony for several thousand students and their respective families. Parking was not only ample, but also supple and firm.

The ceremony had all the familiar trappings of a graduation. The phalanx of graduates' seats was flanked by a parenthesis of foldable plastic chairs in which sat their impeccably dressed parents.

Some, that eternally unidentifiable group of others upon whom lazy writers heap scorn, find graduation ceremonies to be excruciatingly boring events. I am not some. Specifically, I was looking forward to the speech by Eric Knecht, the President of the Rutgers Class of 2010 and the only scheduled student speaker. Public speaking isn't difficult in and of itself. But, Knecht would have to balance obligatory graduation day platitudes against the pressure of saying something interesting and memorable. His introductory speaker, a vice dean, approached the podium to give a short introduction on the class president.

Knecht's biography was remarkable. A summa cum laude graduate, Knecht has also chaired or founded several university organizations and will be teaching underprivileged children in Washington, D.C. this fall. If he were from "right here in hard-workin' northeast Ohio", he could have been part of a presidential candidate's stump speech. The parents in the audience were impressed. An awed murmur of "woahhhh" swept through the crowd with each successive fact the vice dean told the crowd. The introduction ended and the class president neared the microphone.

When the home team in basketball falls behind by, say, fifteen points and goes on a run to cut it to two, the crowd gradually crescendos. Still, they wait for the exclamation point – the three pointer that triumphantly marks the home team finally taking the lead – in order to explode into happy delirium. Sometimes, this shot misses. Twenty thousand people simultaneously groan ("ohhhhhh") and the announcer says something like "they woulda blown the ROOF off if that had fallen!"

Thanks to his glowing introduction, the class president approached the stage essentially having cut the lead to two. The crowd was firmly in his pocket. We were waiting for the exclamation point.

The exclamation point never came. It was soon clear that his speech, by his own design, could not have had one.

First, he gave the standard remarks alluding to their first days together as a class in fall 2006 and mixed in some tepid but crowd-friendly jokes about dining halls and Facebook. Pretty safe material, but Knecht's a natural speaker whose delivery was effective nonetheless. Soon, he took an enormous risk for which I must give him a lot of credit.

He talked politics. And, he did not equivocate. Knecht forcefully stated his convictions in blunt language, convictions which were soon transmitted over two enormous video boards and dozens of loudspeakers. He did not hide, and though the speech was well received and he earned a warm round of applause, I couldn't shake the feeling that many of the same parents who were "ooh"ing during his biography were made squeamish by hearing Knecht's political views on this particular stage.

I was pretty squeamish as well. I don't really care what a person's political views are, but most political statements are couched in arrogance and feigned piety. As soon as Knecht started talking about 2008, I had a feeling he would start talking about politics. Much like male nudity in a Judd Apatow movie, I knew it was coming, and I knew I was going to be uncomfortable, I just didn't know when.

Michael Jordan was once asked by a Democrat why he didn't make political statements. Jordan replied, "Republicans buy sneakers too." Knecht didn't care. He gave his speech the way he wanted to and earned a well-deserved round of applause, even if it meant forfeiting a chance at a standing ovation.

After Knecht's speech, students who had earned awards or scholarships were recognized for their achievements. Seventeen students had a perfect grade point average. Winners of department level awards, such as the Arthur C. Cope chemistry prize, stood up. My favorite was the one student who received the Geroge Washington Carver Award for Excellence in Peanuts.

Later that night, my freshly graduated cousin, his family, and my family all went to dinner. His father, my uncle, is like a cross between Rodney Dangerfield and Vito Corleone. His medical empire in central Jersey is wildly successful and he is regarded as one of the top immunologists in the state. His word is law and he has inspired loyalty bordering on devotion in those who work for him. Still, he never met a fart joke he didn't like.

Most first generation immigrants from India were taught British English as schoolchildren, which means they refer to "math class" as "maths", likely a shortened form of "mathematics". This extra "s" presumably migrated from Rutger University, which is what my uncle's friend repeatedly called the home of the Scarlet Knights.

I'm happy to be incubated in college for one more year. Good luck, class of 2010.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Muddy York

Days 4 - 8: March 5 – March 9 2010

Toronto, perhaps Buffalo's greatest suburb, is a wonderful place and I'm happy I chose to drive there with several friends for spring break. Dan, Neil, Mak and I drove in one car, and Rob and Thao drove in another. The majority of my time was spent with Dan, Neil and Mak.

Saturday 8:40 am – 1:00 pm

After my alarm goes off, I roll off of my mattress and into the shower. From what I can recall of events this early on a Saturday, I actually rolled from my bed, out my door, down the stairs, and took a shower lying down in the tub. I couldn't even shower efficiently; I used too much shampoo and too little body wash. I hadn't packed yet either, but I figure the masculine thing to do is to pack only a few shirts and underwears and travel as lightly as possible. Road trip participants should be as grimy and smelly and stubbly as possible, especially as the trip wears on, and I wanted to fulfill my character. All men have a toiletries bag that smells like aftershave and testosterone, and I was proud to call mine up for duty once more.

Dan and I had agreed that we should try to listen to as much stand-up comedy as possible on the drive to Canada, so I loaded albums from Mitch Hedberg, Aziz Ansari, Dave Chappelle, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor onto my mp3 player and headed for the door.

Dan and Mak have been friends since before high school, and I enjoyed taking a backseat as they reminisced about the old days. Mak mentioned how Dan used to let him drive Dan's father's car to school before Mak even had a permit. Dan told us how he was so tired during those early-morning commutes that when it was his turn to drive, he'd fall asleep at the wheel every chance he got. "Every red light was a chance to get some sleep."

By 11:00 am, it became clear that I was not going to be alpha male, or even beta male, on this trip. Instead, I focused on being a great role player - for example, I'd bail out jokes that fell flat by giving some solid courtesy laughs. I did not mind being the Shannon Brown of the trip, but only because both of our names sound pretty feminine. Sometimes, I wish my name ended with an "O" instead of an "A".

Saturday 1:00 pm – 2:00 pm

We enter an all-you-can-eat buffet place somewhere in upstate New York. The staff there was incredibly nice; one noticed Dan's Shane Victorino shirt and told us that she went to high school with Victorino back in Hawaii. She said that he was nice to her, but that he was a jerk for pitting two of her friends against each other so he could date both. She also said that Victorino was the only person in her high school who was allowed to play multiple sports per season because he was so good he didn't need to practice.

Mak needed a pair of nail-clippers, so we walked to a nearby drug store. There was only one main road in the entire town, yet there were somehow three (three!) tax preparation services competing against each other. I thought this was pretty funny. Small towns are lionized for their heartland values, not their accounting prowess. Also, Neil bought a package of laxatives which would provide most of the entertainment for the next six hours.

Saturday 2:00 pm – 8:00 pm

Neil eats a triple dose of laxatives as soon as we pull out of Dodge. We all try to trick Dan into eating some, but he says he doesn't want any chocolate, and that he also doesn't want any chocolates that are laced with laxatives. I guess he was on to us. Either way, within two hours he changed his mind and took twice the recommended serving. Not wanting to feel left out, Mak and I soon followed. Basically, the stand-up comedy had gotten kind of boring and we had five hours left in the car.

The dynamic among four guys on a ten hour car ride are hard to describe. For example, the following quotes become hilarious after seven hours:

Person A: [notices highway billboard for Jello museum] Look, the Jell-O Hall of Fame!

Person B: [takes Dan's grandmother's cataract-ridden eye shields which were in the car and begins making faces at other drivers]

Person C: [taunting Neil's laxative situation] You know what I could use right now? A niiiiiiiiice [expletive].

For entertainment in some third world cultures, people will defecate into a closed container and wait for fermentation to make the compound's fumes hallucinogenic. Our car ride was pretty similar to this.

One highway took us through the heart of Syracuse. I started disliking college basketball this year. I watched a Kentucky game trying to buy into the John Wall hype; maybe he'll be good in the pros, but all I saw from Wall and both teams during that game were missed layups, turnovers, and sloppy play. Besides Carmelo Anthony and Kevin Durant, I can't remember another highly touted college player over the past decade whose game was polished before a couple of NBA seasons. Anyway, Syracuse is more than a small college town. It's actually pretty urban and developed.

I fell asleep for about three hours and woke up after we had already passed Buffalo. Border crossing was less than forty-five minutes away. The laxatives were slowly beginning to liquefy our intestines. I keep mentioning the laxatives not because I like those contrived Tucker Max style "Can you top how crazzzzzzy this is?!?!?" stories, but because it actually happened.

The Canadian border patrol guard was incredibly nice to us, and as soon as we entered their country we saw a McDonald's sign advertising free coffee until March 14th. It felt like the country was saying "Welcome to Canada. Here's your coffee."

Saturday 8:00 pm – 9:00 pm

We find some government subsidized parking for Dan's '73 Nissan right outside of the hostel. Shortly thereafter, we finally check in. I wonder if we can do especially stupid things because Canada has universal health care, but I'm not sure if foreign idiot twenty year olds are covered by their plan. Either way, I love moral hazards.

Sunday 10:00 pm – Noon

We crawl out of bed and take some of the grimiest showers in memory. I hated stepping out of the shower only to feel the dust and hair of the floor begin clinging to my wet feet. The bathroom setup on our floor was pretty stupid. The floor housed roughly 50 people. There were two women's bathrooms next to each other, and a third bathroom which was unisex. To recap: three bathrooms, two women's, one unisex. It was only $30 per night though.

Neil went to visit his relatives in the Toronto suburbs as Mak, Dan and I headed to the Air Canada Centre to catch Raptor fever. Sadly, Dan ended up catching Raptor herpes. We didn't have tickets yet, so we approached some scalpers. Canadian scalpers are hilarious. One refused to sell for anything less than $40; when we agreed but said we needed to go to an ATM for cash, he immediately apologized and offered to sell for $35. Dan and Mak joked that if we held out longer he would have thrown in some pie and maybe a belt.

Sunday Noon – 3:00 pm

The Raptors host the Sixers. I cannot overstate how much I loved the Toronto fan base and the arena they filled.

The fans nearly sold out the arena – no small feat in today's NBA – and cheered loudly throughout the contest. They even stayed until the closing seconds despite trailing by double digits to a horrible team for the entire fourth quarter. And, I won a free t-shirt.

The Air Canada Centre itself was gorgeous. The concourses are packed with bars, food stands, and games. Over two seasons in the late '90s, this franchise was home to Marcus Camby, Damon Stoudamire, Chauncey Billups, Tracy McGrady, and Vince Carter. Much like the Montreal Expos – erstwhile home of Pedro Martinez, Randy Johnson, Larry Walker, and many others – they should have been more successful.

Dan nearly disowned me for turning on the Sixers so rapidly, but that's ok.

Sunday 3:00 pm – 8:00 pm

Mak, Dan and I explored Toronto's financial district and enjoyed the weather during a long walk back to the hostel. After taking a nap, we meet up with Neil, Rob, and Thao before heading out. Also, Neil had already [expletive] five times today, thanks to the laxatives.

Monday 1:45 pm

We get breakfast at an excellent restaurant near the shopping district in Toronto.

Monday 3:00 pm – 6:00 pm

Though we are thoroughly exhausted and can barely stay awake, we dig deep and find a way to explore the biggest mall in Toronto. I grow progressively crankier and I need a nap.

Monday 6:00 pm – 8:00 pm

Knowing it's our last night in Toronto, we explore as much as possible on foot and finally make it back to the hostel. I stupidly forgot my Zyrtec in Philadelphia, which meant that my allergies were beginning to make me feel a little sick. Mak and Neil agree that they'd rather rest and be ready to drive at 8:00 am the next day than go out for a third straight night; Dan proceeds to call everyone a bunch of [expletive] and tries to guilt everyone into going out.

Tuesday 8:00 am – 1:00 pm

Dan lost the argument, but he did moon everyone in retaliation. We wake up on time, cross the border, and return to American soil. The first thing we do is go to an iconic Buffalo restaurant, Duff's, for their famous chicken wings. When Dan and I visited New York in November, we agreed we were allowed to indulge in anything on vacation – because, damnit, we were "on vacation". This same clause was invoked again as we all had bacon cheeseburgers to go with our buffalo wings. Dan even got a sandwich which was made on weck, which is a kind of bread that is dipped in salt. Imagine a sugar powdered donut, only instead it's covered in salt, and also there's a pound of roast beef in the middle. That was Dan's sandwich.

Tuesday 1:00 pm – 4:00 pm

Toughest stretch of driving. Everyone's legs and lower back are dead from the constant travel and uncomfortable beds. No one has showered due to the early start time, which only adds to the misery. The hero of the trip was my iPod, which did not run out of battery despite being nearly five years old and not being charged at any point in Toronto.

Tuesday 4:00 pm – 8:00 pm

My time to shine. I get behind the wheel for the last stretch from Scranton to Philadelphia. The ability for four guys to meld into one entity after spending too much time with each other crosses the line from cool to creepy when I make a correct left turn on some tiny street in Philadelphia to get to Mak's house without him instructing me to do so. I will never understand how I knew to turn at the correct street, but I did.

Tuesday 8:00 pm – 8:30 pm

Dan breaks every speeding law possible to get us from Northeast Philadelphia back to Penn's campus. Neil, Dan and I order dinner after a few hours at home and while Neil isn't looking, Dan spikes his drink with more laxatives and then uses his finger to stir the contents of the glass. I laugh a lot when the prank works and Neil comments on how his drink "suddenly tastes pretty minty", then shrugs and finishes it. I haven't run in six days.


Friday, January 29, 2010

Morgan Stan

January 18, 2009

Dear Sir,

I just wanted to thank you again for taking the time to speak with me at the information session for your firm earlier today. Specifically, we spoke about some of the lesser known deals you worked on with Skam, Ruckus & Company, a boutique M&A bank. I found our talk to be fascinating. Hopefully, you remember me. I actually applied to a sophomore rotational program at your firm last summer – I was rejected. Do you know if HR holds it against future applicants? Maybe there was a delivery error or something and they never received my application.

I have attached my resume for your review. My contact information – including my cell, my pager, and my home phone – is at the bottom. Please feel free to contact me if you need any further information.

Truly yours,

[applicant]

__________________________________________________________________

January 23, 2009,

Dear Sir,

I just wanted to touch base and make sure you received my most recent correspondence. Just to reiterate, I braved the 20-degree Philadelphia winter and trudged twelve blocks to attend your company's information session. Yours is the most prestigious investment bank on Wall Street, and I am very enthusiastic about the opportunity to work at your firm.

My enthusiasm is evident in many ways. I have sought to live by your company's core beliefs as outlined on a glossy handout at the career fair: Innovate. Prudent. Leadership. I actually tattooed those words backwards onto my chest so I could see them in the mirror every morning as I part my hair.

I hope I get an interview. Do you have any advice? Are they mostly fit, technicals, or should I just track current news? Please call me back. I may be the best applicant you'll forget to choose.

Best regards,

[applicant]

P.S. I remember you mentioned you were a Celtics fan. Me too! I hate to see them lose. How do you like their chances in June?

__________________________________________________________________

January 31, 2009

Dear Mr. Big Fat Investment Bank,

This will be the last letter I ever send your ass. It's been two weeks and still no word. I don't deserve it. I know you got my last two cover letters I wrote the addresses on them perfect. So this is my "additional information" box I'm filling in. I hope you read it! I've dropped at all your divisions. No reply. I just drank a fifth of vodka – dare me to reapply?

You know that song by Phil Collins "In the Air of the Night" about that guy who was 'waiting for a moment his whole life', only that moment never came? That's how this kind of is. You could have rescued me from drowning. Now it's too late, my i-banking career died before it started.

I loved you, we should have been together. Ten info sessions and you won't even read my cover letter?! Plus, my resume was flawless, admit it. You were impressed by my role as VP of External Marketing Co-Ordination, weren't you? Well, too bad! Tables have turned. I reject you! And I hope you can't sleep about it and all your analysts leave for PE without you and the C's lose and Rasheed airs a three to seal it!!!

Your lack of professionalism in responding to my questions was appalling. You're a goddam phony leveraged sellout.

___________________________________________________________________

Feb 5 2010

To: [redacted]@wharton.upenn.edu

From: campusrecruiting@[redacted].com

Thank you for your interest in our firm. Unfortunately, due to the large number of highly qualified applicants, we are unable to continue with your application and will not be extending an invitation for a first round interview. We wish you the best of luck in all future endeavors.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Stanford is not an Ivy League school. Yet it enjoys the sterling academic reputation that comes with Ivy association. Moreover, it boasts a name recognition that dwarfs that of actual Ivy schools such as Penn or Brown.

It doesn’t take an ivory tower egghead to figure out why. Stanford competes in the Pac-10, a top-rate NCAA athletic conference. Moreover, each school has demonstrated the ability to compete – and dominate – at the highest level of collegiate athletics. Stanford’s football team recently drubbed USC’s, and its starting running back nearly won the Heisman trophy.

The Ivy football champion is barred from postseason play, and even the basketball champion is forever fated to a #13-seed and first round exit. Penn’s Franklin Field, an historic football stadium with a gorgeous view of the Philadelphia skyline, is barely filled to 25% capacity for most Saturday home games.

But can you blame the students for not showing up? Their absence, obviously, is not the fault of the athletes. They performed wonderfully and just won the conference. Rather, the idiotic rules of the conference act as a direct deterrent to student interest. An Ivy return to the top of collegiate athletics and the accompanying leap in name recognition can be achieved without sacrificing academic standards. The stubborn refusal to do so has doomed Penn and its peer institutions to toil in anonymity.

1.

Since its 1954 inception - how many people who fawn over Ivy history know the actual League was founded a mere 65 years ago? – the League has banned postseason play for its member football teams. Ivy champions are not allowed to participate in the I-AA postseason tournament even if they would otherwise qualify due to this archaic rule.

Other I-AA football programs compete in a sixteen team tournament than runs from late November to mid-December. An undisputed national champion is crowned. This year, the national champion was Villanova, which had trouble beating Penn in the season opener this year. Penn, the eventual Ivy champion, was never given an opportunity to avenge the loss thanks to the ban on postseason play.

According to a 2006 article in the Daily Princetonian, there are two main reasons Ivy executives cite for upholding the ban. First, they claim that allowing postseason football play would disrupt the finals schedule of the athletes involved. Second, they believe the in-conference rivalries would erode since Ivy teams would focus on winning the postseason tournament.

These arguments are politely dismissed as misguided and more accurately described as moronic. The first argument, which is that student academics would be disrupted, is easily dismissed for its hypocrisy. An Ivy basketball champion could presumably be involved in an entire month of postseason play if it were to win the NCAA tournament in March. Yet extending the football season for a maximum of three weeks is “too disruptive”. The effect on basketball is just one example; obviously, since all sports except football are allowed to compete in their respective postseasons, every Ivy athlete is “disrupted” to some extent. But this is apparently ok. The arrogantly snobbish need to hew to tradition is more important than applying an equal standard across all sports.

The second argument is even more troubling, for the notion that postseason play would dilute the regular season is absurd. Look at the rivalry between Ohio State and Michigan, which is undoubtedly the sport’s most historic. When postseason play is at stake, such as in 2006 when a national title berth was on the line, the game is only augmented by the possibility of the second season. When one team wallows in mediocrity, as my beloved Wolverines have for the past several seasons, the game is still heated due to the possibility to spoil Ohio State’s postseason chances. The added aspect of a postseason keeps the games interesting.

More importantly, I’m wondering what which rivalries the Ivy executives are seeking to preserve. Sure, The Game between Harvard and Yale means something every year, but how would that change if a postseason berth was at stake? Would it not mean even more? Besides this one match-up, no other pairings generate the same level of interest. No one is currently tuning in to Providence public access television to watch Brown take on Dartmouth. But a Brown-Dartmouth game with a postseason tournament berth on the line would draw interest due to the fact that the winner could ultimately become the I-AA national champion.

As a quick aside, no one at Princeton considers Penn a rival. It’s not a rivalry if only one side cares. I’ve always considered Columbia a more natural rival – both urban schools get a Dangerfieldian level of respect despite deserving more.

Finally, there is no doubt that winning the Ivy League football title is an impressive accomplishment. But it is just as insular as winning the MAC conference. That is, nobody outside the conference particularly cares.

2.

It wasn’t always like this. For 80 years beginning in 1869, an Ivy champion had a chance to be a national champion. Princeton won the title in 1950, the last year an Ivy team would do so.

Obviously, these facts require some context. First and foremost, the Ivy League did not exist until the 1950s. Therefore, when Princeton or Penn won the title a century ago, it was technically not the Ivy Champion though the schedules between then and now are comparable. The few schools that played football for the first few decades of the sport’s existence did not have to beat many teams in order to win the title. There was also no postseason tournament to win.

But these caveats still do not deny the fact that Ivy games once meant something more than the insular competitions they represent today. Franklin Field, the country’s first stadium, was once filled on a weekly basis because the fans knew that a significant prize was at stake. The contemporary lack of similar enthusiasm is understandable since nothing more than the league title is at stake. There are no national implications. Even the NFL can’t sell out preseason games.

The I-AA postseason tournament would partially alleviate this problem. Schools like Montana and Appalachian State have strong student support for their teams since each has annual title aspirations. There is no logical reason Franklin Field can’t draw similar crowds. But why settle for I-AA?

3.

No one can name the last two I-AA champions. But any fan with a passing interest in college football knows that Alabama and Florida were the last two to hoist the BCS title. In order to become fully relevant again, the Ivy League must embrace I-A football.

Critics of this strategy to finally compete with the Big 12 and the Pac-10 for national allegiances and name recognition engage in a stunning display of cognitive dissonance to believe that increased athletic competition necessitates a drop in academic standards. Stanford proves the fallacy in this argument.

In 2010, U.S. News and World Report has Stanford tied with Penn at #4 of top undergraduate institutions. The U.S. news rankings are garbage, but they do play a significant role in driving the public’s perceptions of quality. Stanford’s academics are impeccable. Its selectivity is identical to Penn’s, and it has a significantly lower acceptance rate. SAT percentiles are also comparable between the two schools.

Stanford ranks higher than four Ivy schools. Again, the U.S. news rankings are so stupid that interpreting a higher ranking as a mark of higher quality is absurd. But, the rankings are certainly evidence that the Ivy schools and Stanford are comparable in quality despite the fact that Stanford’s athletic program – supposedly a source of academic decline – is significantly better than those of the Ivies. Plus, you’ve never seen a shirt that says “Not Stanford State”.

Stanford proved that an elite academic institution can still have a I-A football team. No reason schools like Cornell and Columbia cannot follow suit.

4.

The greatest benefit from making the leap to competitive football does not come from excellence on the playing field. It comes from not being confused with Penn State ever again.

The Ivy League, as a brand, is most closely associated with Harvard, Princeton, and Yale. College application message boards on the internet regularly abbreviate the triumvirate as “HYP”, a set of initials with enough gravitas make any overachieving high schooler swoon. College application message boards, by the way, are a wonderful source of idiotic teen angst:

“PLZ HELP: Trying to decide between Yale and Harvard for early app. Does anyone know which is better?!?!?!”

“Re: Yea, H is better internationally but Y is better domestically and has better networking opps. Depends what you wanna do later on.”

The palpable obsession with status is embarrassing to read. I remember overhearing conversations in high school about relative prestige between schools – with the U.S. News rankings as the sole arbiter of the truth.

“Hmm…Georgetown? It’s pretty good, but it’s only #23, its not as good as Emory since its #17.”

Regardless, the point is that when you hear Penn or Cornell officials extol the virtues of an “Ivy League education”, they usually don’t realize that the connotation of quality comes solely from the vaunted HYP. Why? Because no one has ever heard of the other schools. In fact, “Ivy League”, linguistically, carries the connotation of “elite” and “intelligent” much like the way “Big 10” carries the connotation of “unathletic” and “Basketball Score: 43-37, Wisconsin”.

The simplest way to fix this is to embrace I-A college football. The non-HYP Ivy schools would see the biggest benefit. Though each has a strong reputation within elite circles, each remains anonymous to most of the country.

According to Forbes, Notre Dame’s football program brings in over $50 million annually in profits for the academic institution. Notre Dame has sucked for most of the last fifteen years. But, the national following it has means no one ever confuses it with the South Bend Technical Institute.

Think of it the differences between Syracuse and SUNY Purchase or Gonzaga and Fordham. Each pairing is between schools with comparable academics, yet only two of them are nationally known. Columbia, Penn, Cornell, Brown and Dartmouth can finally escape from under the HYP shadow.

5.

Obviously, I’m being selfish. Penn is a wonderful school that nobody has heard of and I want to see this sad fact changed. Plus, besides NSO, Halloween, and one weekend in April, there are very few moments on campus where the atmosphere is anything approaching a typical Saturday at a football powerhouse. I want to see 50,000 in Franklin Field on Saturdays, with festivities starting at 10:00 am. I want to see Brown or Dartmouth Football t-shirts across the Midwest. I want to see Fowler, Herbstreit, and Corso cover a Columbia-Cornell game with title implications. I want to see the next Toby Gerhardt anchoring the backfield in New Haven, and I want Boise State to bitch about the fact that it can’t jump Penn in the BCS standings. Ms. Harris, tear down this wall!


Friday, December 11, 2009

No Retreat, Baby Noooooovember.

Old video games used to have such limited memory capabilities that words like "points" or "yards" were always plural, leading to stat lines like "Hampton – 3 Carries, 1 Yds, 2 TDs" and "Van Horn – 1 Pts, 2 Socks". By the way, 2 Socks 1 Point was my favorite vulgar web video starring Keith Van Horn. But anyway, my clocking in with 1 overall columns for the month of November is inexcusable. I haven't had a winning November since 1996, but this is the kind of month that gets coaches fired. The highlight of my November was my first ever trip to Madison Square Garden to watch the Knicks take on the Celtics. Many ideas for a column came from this trip, but I never found the time to synthesize them into something readable. A brief synopsis:


  • My friend Dan and I made the trip up to New York on one of those cheap buses that provides both cheap transportation for college students and affordable money laundering services for organized criminal syndicates. Thanks again to Fat Tony's Green Lucky Dragon Star Bus Co. for the $20 round trip Philly-NY bus line.
  • We saw a comedy show at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater and it was fantastic. The tall bald guy from 30 Rock, Erin from The Office, and that annoying guy from NFL Live are all performers there. Most sketches started out slowly, then the entertainers settled into a rhythm, and then you just got to run the football coach, you just got to.
  • Knicks fans are awesome even when their team and their franchise are not. Fans at most stadiums around the country beg for obvious fouls like blocking or holding, but the savvy connoisseurs at the Garden were yelling things like "Defensive 3 seconds!" and the like. Personally, I was spiked out so I spent most of my time trying to trip referees.
  • Spike Lee, Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, and Anthony Anderson were all in attendance.
  • Impossible to get NFL updates on my phone during the basketball game. The game took place on a Sunday and Dallas was facing Washington in a key divisional game. Thankfully, Shaun Suisham missed 13 consecutive field goals in the second half, which allowed the Cowboys to escape with the win.


One final note about November: a big thank you to everyone who refused to shave during the month for charity, except ladies. You guys are the real heroes out there.

Friday, November 6, 2009

My Favorite 50 Cent Song

Twelve questions.


  1. Does this house have heating?

    Moving off campus into a house certainly has its benefits. On the other hand, we are constantly experiencing Seven Syndrome, a phenomenon named after the Brad Pitt movie. Every time the film's detectives encountered a new corpse, they had a shocked, dumbfounded look on their face because they can't comprehend how it's possible for a human being to mutilate something so badly. Similarly, while trying to clean the house of all remnants of its hipster-inhabited past, my housemates and I have frequently been forced to pause just to gape at – perhaps even admire – some of their handiwork. Examples include a fridge left with rotting vegetables and a thumb found in a cup.

    The house has finally been tamed, but the weather is beginning to turn. As such, the most common question over the past three days has been, "does this house have heating?" I do not believe that it does. In fact, I am actually wearing six layers of clothing right now. A brief tour of the six is appropriate. Closest to my body is a free t-shirt I received from a summer employer who refused to pay me. I am wearing it only out of spite, since I haven't showered in eighteen hours and am sure I smell awful. The next level is a full-sleeved, dark blue Ford shirt courtesy of the dying days of retailer Steve and Barry's. The shirt was purchased for $2. The third level is not only where you want your offensive lineman to be, but where you will find a vintage '03 basketball camp t-shirt. Six year old shirts should no longer fit me. The fourth level of defense against the brutal cold of our common room is a long sleeve collared shirt given as a gift from my aunt. Solid rotation player. Layer five was a free t-shirt from my well-heated, on-campus residence last year. Originally, I was wearing a much more highly-touted t-shirt, but then Mo Lewis tore it and the layer five shirt has been a gem for me ever since. Layer six is a turtleneck I can only wear around the house because no one looks good in a turtleneck. No, this house does not have heating.


  2. Do you want to play some Texas Odom?


    A fantastic card game very similar to Texas Hold 'Em. The main difference is that instead of dealing three cars to begin play, the other players are forced to laud your versatility. In fact, everything is about versatility. Instead of aces wild, its everything wild. Versatility! You are also required to be both big and little blind at the same time, maybe play a little point guard if it comes to it.


  3. [Glances at phone] Is this you?


    A classic question, asked every time phone numbers are exchanged. After getting their digits and placing the call, your number will flash across the other person's caller ID screen. The person will then pause and take a moment to verify that this unknown number is actually yours with the aforementioned question. I applaud their commitment to safety, since there is a chance that in the exact same moment that I decide to call you as you're watching me do so, there might be a completely unknown third party who also decides to call you with an unknown number. Marty Schottenheimer was known for actually declining the call, just to be safe.


  4. Does this bus stop at 82nd Street?


    Yes.


  5. Bigger scrub – Louis 13th or Louis 15th?


    Louis 13th allowed an aging Cardinal Richelieu to put up pretty good numbers. Louis the 13th is also referenced in the recent summer blockbuster GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Louis XIII, definitely, though Lou Williams is probably the biggest scrub of all time.


  6. Was Scrubs ever good?


    Cutaway. Homoeroticism! Gruff demeanor. Sike! Self-confidence, self-doubt, not gruff demeanor, reassuring. [Indie music] Come on sport, that's why I'm so hard on you…because I trust you, god damnit. And that's why you're going to be a great doctor.


    Maybe it was good once, maybe I was in sixth grade, we may never know.


  7. Who is Eddie Rommel?


    Widely considered the father of the knuckleball and the bastard child of the split-fingered fastball, Rommel was a star pitcher on the Philadelphia Athletics from 1920-1932. He once pitched 17 innings in relief during a single game.


  8. If you could die in any one place and location, where would it be?


    Due to a bituminous coal-based budget surplus, West Virginia did not levy an estate tax for those who died in 2005 (unconfirmed). Barring that, I'd opt to die the day after tomorrow, hopefully by a cold front that stabs me as Jake Gyllenhall and I try to outrun it.


  9. Best DJ? Worst?


    Best is definitely Funkmaster Flex, the renowned Hot 97 DJ. My favorite story about him is the fact that he once said, on air, "That last song was 'Live Your Life' by T.I. featuring forehead". I'm almost positive it was him who said it. He once asked listeners to email him at funkmaster.flex@gmail.com, which I'm pretty sure is just the email he created for himself once he realized soccrboi378@hotmail.com was not appropriate when applying to colleges. Anyway, the worst DJ is by far Mbenga.


  10. Are trends in NBA uniforms any better than trends in NFL uniforms?


    No. The day-to-day changes in NBA uniforms means that the league is no better off than the NFL is. For example, Portland is wearing a uniform that says "Rip City" across the front of it. In a league where every jersey in converging towards Carolina blue, my beloved Nets wear a shade of red for their road uniforms that can only be described as infected. The ninth level of hell is reserved for traitors, and the tenth level of hell has to be reserved for whoever designed "Infection Red" Nets uniforms.


  11. Want to watch a game at "The Corp"?


    There is no problem with a given sports franchise selling the naming rights to its stadium to a corporate sponsor. Some may feel that the fact that hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars are committed from cities held hostage by the threat of relocation should offer Joe Q. Public some voice in terms of what his stadium will be named. Wrong. For example, Veterans Stadium, the longtime home to two Philadelphia sports teams, was dedicated in honor of the millions of patriots who served this country. Locals lovingly knew it as "The Vet". Decades of heavy usage eventually overcame The Vet, which begat two new venues, Lincoln Financial Field and Citizens Bank Park. Each field takes its name from a mid-level bank.


    "The Vet" is a timeless moniker. "The Linc" and "The Bank", as they are promoted, are names signifying nothing more than pathetically manufactured nostalgia. Speaking of which, I can't wait to watch a game at Rutgers's new stadium "The Herp".


    If the owners of sports franchises accept taxpayer money in order to build a venue, then they owe us when they sell the name of the stadium. I view it as an investor being paid a dividend. If a franchise can fund its own stadium with entirely private resources, then it makes sense that those parties can decide how to split any subsequent revenues. Maybe there is no public support for such an idea right now, but when the Green Bay Packers play at AIG Field, your head will explode too.


  12. Is the final cumuluative?


    No, but since each concept builds on a previous one, you should make sure you know how to do everything we've covered since the start of the semester.