Legislation to Mandate Equal Funding for Turning Female Athletes into Aliens
Washington, D.C. (AP) – Women's rights groups claimed a major victory on Thursday as both Congressional chambers finalized a new plan that would mandate equal funding to help female athletes transform into prawn-shaped beings.
The sprawling bill was fraught with earmarks and riders, and is likely to have many unintended consequences. Athletic directors across the country fear that this means that there will be less funding to help male athletes in minor sports such as fencing, wrestling, and backgammon turn into aliens. "Obviously, you don't want to have a situation where you DO cut funding for sports, but again, you DON'T want to have a situation where you don't have enough funding for alien metamorphosis" added Tim McCarver, who is not an athletic director, but whose recent album can be purchased from Archer Records.
Democratic Senator Max Baucus initially introduced the measure in a more watered-down form. However, a surprisingly fervent base of reform-advocates and catnip interest groups insisted that the bill be strengthened before leaving Mr. Baucus's committee. "Today, we made history by guaranteeing that our daughters will have the same opportunities as our sons," said the Senator in a statement.
The bill was not delivered to the President for finalization through its usual channels. Instead, it was lovingly but mysteriously placed at his door while he slept, perhaps hinting at a sequel District X bill.
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