I hate the direction in which my beloved National Football League is going. There is no respect for tradition or continuity in any aspect of the sport. Decades of history are tossed aside to make way for pathetic manufactured nostalgia. “Welcome to the Lucas Oil Field Hall of Memories!” Several franchises have chosen to corrupt their uniforms by making them more “fierce” or “futuristic” – which usually means adding in chrome colors and bizarre streaks. The Buffalo Bills and Minnesota Vikings once dressed like actual football teams; they now dress like characters from Tron. The season will soon expand to eighteen games, rendering every performance record since 1978 meaningless. Canada will have a franchise within ten years and London will host a Super Bowl by 2025. I am a 75-year old trapped in a 20-year old’s body.
But, I spend every Sunday watching, every Monday reading, and every Tuesday waiting for the next Sunday. NFL Previews are completely worthless, but since nobody else on the internet seems willing to publish one, I guess I’m just going to have to do it myself.
AFC East:
1. New England Patriots (18-1)*: The big man rejoins the band. As long as Bill Bellichick’s aging defense and second family don’t mess things up too much, the Pats are going to be the league’s best again.
2. New York Jets (7-9): Mark Sanchez, who looks exactly like Vinny Chase, will take Queens Boulevard by storm. Too bad Adrian Murrell didn’t make the team though, I thought he could have contributed this year.
3. Buffalo Bills (0-14-2): I will always hate the Bills until they apologize to Doug Flutie and bring back the uniforms from the Pete Metzelaars era. When the Toronto Bills square off against the Upper Saxony Raiders in five years, I will cry.
4. Miami Dolphins (0-14-2): Tony Sparano’s new defensive coordinator, Phil Leotrado, seems kind of likely to either successfully implement a zone blitz or have his skull crushed by an Escalade at a gas station. Either way though, they’ll probably bounce back in 2010, just in time for Chad Pennington to win an unprecedented seventh Comeback Player of the Year Award.
AFC North:
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4): A great team from a tough, blue collar town based mainly on service jobs and Carnegie Mellon. I think Mike Tomlin is one of the best coaches in the league. But, if the Steelers’ season is anything like an episode of House, then the backup punter will have a disease where his kidneys start donkey punching his lungs, but then his mysterious past is unraveled and it turns out that it was actually asbestos all along. Then, Ben Roethlisberger will say something that reminds us he’s emotionally tortured but tirelessly brilliant with a lovably gruff exterior. I like Linus Sweed, what with his generous social programs and delicious candied fish, but I don’t think he’s going to be enough to get past the Patriots in the playoffs.
2. Baltimore Ravens (11-5): Leaving and Joe Flacco are everybody’s favorite aspects of Delaware. If Rex Ryan hadn’t gone to the Jets, or if Pittsburgh had lost anybody relevant, I’d pick Baltimore to win the division. Ray Rice and my mom are Rutgers’ greatest alumni; look for both to have strong seasons.
3. Cleveland Browns (6-10): I spent many Friday nights in high school watching reruns of an NFL Films documentary about the ’86 AFC Championship game, so I will always have a soft spot for the franchise that once represented my social life. Eric Mangini will turn things around by year three despite the fact that he is a giant snitch.
4. Cincinatti Bengals (4-12): Poor Carson Palmer. He came within three non-torn ligaments – widely considered the best kind of ligaments – of reviving a franchise. At least he remains in the pantheon of quarterbacks whose Madden ratings are far higher than what they should be. This pantheon includes Seneca Wallace and Drew Henson, both of whom have quarterbacked my simulated franchises to 19-0 championship seasons. I really hope some devious software engineer at EA makes it possible for the game to randomly generate a player named Ron Mexico in the 2015 draft, because once I figured out that the name generator is just “medium-sized Jersey town” and “common last name”, it became way less fun to draft Secaucus Jones, Brunswick Williams and West Orange Thompson.
AFC South:
1. Houston Texans (11-5): This team scored only eleven fewer points than the Colts last year and lost a ton of close games. Great skill players, and Mario Williams turned out to be better than Reggie Bush (though not yet better than John David Booty).
2. Indianapolis Colts (10-6): My Facebook profile info is filled entirely with quotes from those classic Peyton commercials. It dawned on me that those quotes are now four years old. Four! Still hilarious though. Cut that meat! Cut that meat!
3. Tennessee Titans (7-9): Tennessee’s last effort, a playoff loss to the Ravens, seemed more like slapstick comedy than an effort to win a football game. Comically tragic injuries, multiple turnovers inside the Ravens’ red zone, and Jeff Fisher’s getting hit in the face with a pie all contributed to a terrible loss. Surprisingly, this franchise has had its share of tough playoff losses. In 2000, the top-seeded Titans also lost a slugfest they should have won. In 1999, they came up one yard short of forcing overtime at the Super Bowl, and in 1992, they allowed Frank Reich to lead a 32-point comeback. For 2009 though, I think the general lack of talent on offense and defense and special teams is ultimately going to be the Achilles heel.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-10): There is no possible way to write an interesting leadoff sentence for the most boring, and worst dressed, team in the league. Though in terms of leadoff sentences, I will never forget the time Brady Anderson somehow crammed 50 prepositions into one phrase.
AFC West:
1. San Diego Chargers (11-5): It’s surprising how subtly this team has gone from centering around LaDanian Tomlinson to centering around Phillip Rivers. Rivers is a top-five quarterback now, but I am sad to see that his feud with Jay Cutler ended about ten years before it should have. I have a soft spot for San Diego for two reasons. First, they have become the Phoenix Suns of the NFL – a generally likable and supremely talented team that has heartbreaking playoff losses. Second, and more importantly, in an era where idiot marketing executives decide to try to make every uniform look like a cross between testosterone and the year 2350, the Chargers’ design crew decided to bring back those gorgeous powder blue jerseys. San Dieeego Super Chaaaaargers.
2. Kansas City Chiefs (10-6): I believe that Kansas City can go 5-1 within the division, even stealing one from the Chargers since San Diego seems to fall asleep for long stretches at a time during the year. Moreover, it’s a blessing in disguise that Matt Cassell is going to miss the first game since the Chiefs will be making a brutal trip to Baltimore. An energetic, young coach combined with a talented quarterback should be good enough to sneak into the playoffs in this terrible division.
3. Denver Broncos (5-11): Getting rid of the productivity of Mike Shanahan, Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall was probably the right thing to do, but I think they should have also traded John Elway’s legacy and the town of Aspen just to make sure they were fully cleaning house. When Mike Shanahan wins the NFC for Jerry Jones next year, I will be thanking Pat Bowlen.
4. Oakland Raiders (2-14): People have been unfair to JaMarcus Russell. He has an excellent skill set and makes as many plays as he can given the talent level and coaching staff around him. The Raiders made a great call drafting him based on the scouting combine, especially since their offense mostly consists of Russell on his knees throwing through the goal posts from midfield.
NFC East:
1. Philadelphia Eagles (16-0): Every time I think they’re dead, they rise just to ruin the Cowboys’ season. I can think of no team I hate more than the Eagles. Donovan McNabb remains underrated, and the defense should be good enough to let the explosive offense win games. A quick story about how much I hate the Eagles: My friend and I gathered last year to watch the Week 17 slate of games. We dubbed it Apocalypse Sunday since his Broncos and my Cowboys both had to win road games against bitter division rivals to avoid completing massive collapses and to clinch playoff spots. Dallas lost by a final score of 3,444-0.
2. New York Giants (10-6): If they had signed a wide receiver, they would be the best team in the conference. Regrettably, they chose to go with a collection of punt returners and sixth graders. Eli Manning is now at number four in my Manning Power Rankings, as he finds himself sandwiched behind Cooper and ahead of Olivia.
3. Washington Redskins (8-8): I have spent many late August weekends in Maryland visiting my cousins, and I have seen my share of Redskins preseason games. So when I tell you that John Riggins came on the Papa Johns Deep Dish Quick Minute and told me that Ladell Betts is poised for a breakout year, I think I know what I’m talking about. As always, the Redskins will start out 6-2 and finish 8-8.
4. Dallas Cowboys (0-16): I don’t want to talk about it.
NFC North:
1. Green Bay Packers (13-3): I watched nearly every quarter of nearly every preseason game on NFL Network reruns this August. I know that preseason doesn’t mean much, and that Detroit went undefeated in last year’s, but no group in the entire NFL looked sharper than Green Bay’s first team. I would trade Adrian Peterson straight up for Aaron Rodgers right now. The Packers actually made a mistake and went with Rodgers one season too late – they would have won the NFC had they started Rodgers instead of Favre during Brett’s last year. Rodgers inherited a 14-point deficit on the road against Dallas from an injured Favre that year and nearly rallied the team for a victory. Last year, he had more yards and more touchdowns than both Peyton Manning and Dan Orlovsky, though Orlovsky did set a precedent by “runslinging” out of the back of his own end zone.
2. Chicago Bears (11-5): Jay Cutler is the heir to the gunslinging throne, though I now fear that by the time Favre actually retires, Cutler will be 39 years old and playing for Detroit.
3. Minnesota Vikings (8-8): Honestly, after studying the preseason, Tarvaris Jackson is a better fit for this offense than Favre is. The Vikings have an awful back-to-back sequence against Pittsburgh and Baltimore, so if Favre’s health falters and Jackson steps in, it will actually be a good thing. I hope to see some vintage Favre gunslings, though he’s probably tired from insulting Robert La Follette, cheese, and 1996 Brett Favre.
4. Detroit Lions (4-12): Stafford is also another young gun, making this quartet the All-Gunslinger Division. Another reason to hate the NFL: After milking the taxpayers of Michigan for several hundred million dollars to build Ford Field, Lions games will likely be blacked out on local television this year since the economically ravaged population cannot afford to purchase enough tickets to avoid triggering the clause. Let them eat cake, right Roger?
NFC South:
1. New Orleans Saints (12-4): Drew Brees’s mole will have its hairiest year yet as the league’s third best quarterback finally gets back to the playoffs. The Parcells tree of coaching – Bellichick, Sparano, Sean Payton – is better than the Bellichick tree of coaching, which is Crennel, Weis, and McDaniels. But do the trees overlap because of Bellichick? I don’t know. But if so, don’t all coaches just descend from the same person? Or, where they intelligently designed in their current form? We may never know, though my guess is that Tom Cable pretty much disproves intelligent design. Gunslinging design, maybe.
2. Atlanta Falcons (10-6): Arthur Blank is the proud owner of Home Despot, a store that disgustingly sells do-it-yourself kits to some of the most oppressive dictators this planet has ever seen. Luckily, he has a solid coach and a talented quarterback. Atlanta’s modus operandi is to go out there and out-execute other teams, and to win games 23-16. I just cannot support that level of game management.
3. Carolina Panthers (8-8): Jake Delhomme’s 2008 playoff performance reminds me of Shane Falco in the ’96 Sugar Bowl. Too bad there is no Senior NFL where Delhomme could cross a picket line and win a key game on a tight end flag to the corner of the end zone. Do you want the ball, Jake? Winners always do.
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-12): I wish they had drafted Morgan Freeman instead of Josh Freeman. The sisters never laid a finger on Andy again, and Derek Brooks was unceremoniously cut.
NFC West:
1. Arizona Cardinals (10-6): I think Kurt Warner can still play at a high level, and that Steve Breaston is more relevant than Anquan Boldin to the offense. Ken Whisenhunt is a creative, crafty coach who should figure out how to win a terrible division. They have a gorgeous home in the University of Phoenix Online Stadium, but I wish it was Devry Field so that I could get my own personalized degree while watching the game.
2. Seattle Seahawks (8-8): Everyone’s old. The Seahawks, to my recollection, kicked off the recent trend of having shiny chrome uniforms when they ditched their wonderful old-school jerseys and silver helmets. As such, I am obligated to root against them until they go back to the jerseys that made once made Rick Mirer the symbol of virility in the upper northwest.
3. San Francisco 49ers (8-8): I thought this team could have been good this year, since they finished strong and played hard for a coach that has trouble keeping his pants on. I still have them at 8-8, but the lack of a quarterback is kind of a dagger. I love that old episode of The Simpsons where those punks from Shelbyville steal Michael Crabtree and then Homer borrows Ned’s RV to get it back. I did a decent amount of research, and I can’t tell if the 49ers new uniforms are a throwback to the Joe Montana era or just a stupid redesign. If it’s the latter, I revise my prediction to 0-16.
4. St. Louis Rams (3-13): Their running back is a tough, solid player whose best days are behind him. So it goes for Steven “Old Hickory” Jackson. It’s going to be really awkward when the Rams acquire that other guy named Marc Bulger, forcing one of them to go as Marc E. Bulger. I wish they hadn’t hired Steve Spagnuolo just because St. Louis should always be home to the Greatest Show on Turf. Watching them grind out 14-10 victories is going to be painful.
I like New England, Pittsburgh, Houston, San Diego, Baltimore, and Kansas City out of the AFC and Philadelphia, Green Bay, New Orleans, Arizona, Chicago, and New York out of the NFC. Actually, Dallas might make the playoffs with an 0-16 record just to lose one more time make me cry again. I won’t pull a Peter King – whose writing I enjoy thoroughly – and predict things like “expect the Bears to edge the Cardinals 24-19 on a 34 degree day in the Windy City as Jay Cutler throws for 238 yards.” Well, now I’m expecting it, Peter! Thanks for ruining the ending.
I think the final four will be Green Bay, Philadelphia, New England, and Baltimore. The most likely Super Bowl is New England versus Philadelphia, but that’s more of a game manager type of prediction. I’ll take Green Bay over Baltimore, 34-20, on a 71 degree day in Miami, as Aaron Rodgers throws for 238 yards.
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