Ramapo, NJ (AP) – In a painfully generic student body election speech that left even his once-enthusiastic friends indifferent, Ramapo High School junior Ken Folk announced his intention to be “YOUR next Vice President.”
“I’m not going to promise that there won’t be homework or that school will end early,” Folk asserted, despite the fact that no one in the history of school or elections has ever promised anything that remotely resembles either. Folk insisted that he would instead “work to make school dances more fun, and to increase school spirit.”
Despite a campaign that has been dogged by rumors that he is only running for Vice President because a more popular student is running for President, Folk was adamant that he could “really make a difference around here.”
Folk’s speech received a lukewarm reception from the audience of his peers. Most students polled afterwards were not even aware that he had made an opening joke, a fact that suggests his terrible delivery and general lack of charisma will be hard to overcome. One cranky gentleman went so far as to label Folk “a fatcat”, though this gentleman later turned out to be a bearded, depressed, and apparently unemployed Dennis Hastert, or possibly Dennis Green.
For weeks, the young candidate had plastered the school with signs that blended in with the other candidates’ pun-based advertisements. “Vote for Nick – He’s Good Folk!” read one pasted near Cafeteria B. Folk’s last ditch attempt to form an alliance with two other candidates with whom he was reasonably friendly but not all that close apparently failed – despite hours of repeating their hilariously ironic catchphrase, “vote for Triple Team Awesome”. Folk’s own enthusiasm for his candidacy was called into question, as unnamed sources close to him have reportedly stated that Folk is running for impure reasons. They have claimed that he is only running because he is a panicked junior who realized that he has wasted two years and desperately needs something to add to his resume before applying to colleges in the fall.
Folk’s bromide-laden speech was the culmination of his painfully awkward campaign. His insistence that “he loves Ramapo High and intends to be a Wildcat forever” went over poorly with the key demographic of apathetic students. Fortunately, this group has low turnout and is far more likely to draw a “rocket ship” on a ballot than to use it to vote. The statement also failed to resonate with student-athletes, most of whom felt that Folk lacked the gravitas and personal background to make such a statement.
Near the end of his speech, caked in flop sweat, Folk chose to make a string of hollow references in a last-l attempt to save face and pander to the audience. “Hey, who remembers Power Rangers?!?” he asked, receiving a response of nothing but crickets and the audible rumbling of stomachs of students who had to wake up at 6:30 to get to school on time yet are not allowed to eat lunch until noon.
Folk ended his speech after his allotted three minutes were up. Results will be announced after school, and the Ultimate Frisbee Club will have its introductory meeting in the choir room this Friday immediately after school.
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