Get Coached

Wade Phillips and Brad Childress had each been subjected to vicious personal attacks from their respective fan bases before getting fired. Both deserved to be fired, but honestly, I'm not a fan of the amount of rage which fans use to yell at coaches and players. Poor performance is not an excuse for ad hominem attacks.

Did you know that Childress has a son who is a Marine serving in Afghanistan? I didn't either, but suddenly Childress becomes a pretty sympathetic character due to the fact that on any given day the Department of Defense could send him the most tragic form letter imaginable.

Andy Reid is treated poorly as well. Snarky writers and disgruntled Philadelphia fans make fun of Reid incessantly, but consider what he's done since taking over the Eagles: 126-79-1, five division titles, five NFC championship game appearances and 1 Super Bowl appearance. His two losing seasons? His first season in 1999 (when he established the groundwork for his ultimately successful rebuilding plan) and again in 2005 (when an injury to Donovan McNabb and a tantrum by Terrell Owens torpedoed the season). Reid may never win a title, but neither has Jerry Sloan. Nobody calls Sloan a [expletive].

In fact, Reid's record compares favorably to Jeff Fisher's. Fisher has three division titles, two AFC championship game appearances, one Super Bowl appearance, and five losing seasons. They're both excellent coaches. So...to recap, Reid will make a few questionable decisions in a given season, but by January his Eagles are always several games above .500 and one of the NFC's best. I never understood why Reid is polarizing.

I'm almost done being holier than you. I came here not to bury Wade but to praise him.

/end rant

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The
following video is an actual product I saw being advertised on ESPN one night. I immediately looked it up on YouTube because it seemed to be less an actual product and more an elaborate satire of capitalism:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otCG5iAdT0E

After confirming that the inspirational video series was, in fact, real, I went to the company's website and read some more. It turns out that Get Coached is an inspirational/motivational video series in which Mike Ditka, Sean Payton, Rex Ryan, Mike Singletary and Bobby Bowden take turns yelling at you. The coaches take turns standing in a studio with a black background and harsh lighting – not unlike an interrogation room – while the camera makes dozens of quick cuts. The music which accompanies the speeches is dripping with faux intensity. The entire series takes five DVDs, which is surprising given that it only took Francis Coppola three DVDs to finish the Godfather saga. If Get Coached isn't 66% better than the Godfather, you should feel ripped off.

Honestly, I like all of these coaches and respect their accomplishments, but I feel like this video series was created just to be made fun of. Oh you didn't hear? Get Coached is the new Shake Weight.

Here are the actual titles of the DVDs (each coach hosts one session, I guess):

Mike Ditka: Total Commitment
Bobby Bowden: God, Family and Football
Mike Singletary: A Vision of Faith

That's cool, because I don't believe in the separation of church and football either. In fact, this is beginning to feel more and more like the recruitment and indoctrination ritual for a cult. Continuing:

Sean Payton: Aim High

This was also the name of the video that Tom Emanski let Tim Lincecum guest host. Yuk yuk yuk.

Rex Ryan: Give It All You Got

"Give It All You Got" is my favorite Bon Jovi song of all time. You know that one with all the power chords and anthemic singing? Give it all you got! We'll keep fightin' and make it! Go your own way…but give it all you got!!! I bet you were able to simulate the guitar part for a Bon Jovi song in your head while reading those lyrics.

Fortunately, I was able to find extended previews for each DVD. Let's dive deeper:

I love how Mike Ditka introduces himself as the head coach of the Super Bowl Champion Chicago Bears. Ditka was a great coach for that time, but his intro conveniently excludes his disastrous run in New Orleans. Note how he yells the word "player" at the 19 second mark. This man is intense. To be fair, the hyper-masculine schtick Ditka employs in this video would be a lot more impressive if it weren't for a certain photo from 1999. At the 34 second mark, the editor decided it would be a cool idea to splice the image so that there are three Ditkas yelling at you. One Ditka = not enough Ditka.

I think Mike Singletary has been treated unfairly by the public and deserves a second chance as a head coach on a team with a reasonably competent quarterback. I'm going to make fun of his video anyway. The title, "A Vision of Faith", is actually just a euphemism for dropping your pants at halftime. Most of Singletary's advice is related to dropping your pants in public situations. The first thirty seconds of the video is literally just Singletary reading his resume. "I was captain of the 1985 Chicago Bears. I was inducted into the Hall of Fame. I was the two time Defensive Player of the Year. I was treasurer of the Model UN." Singletary, at the one minute mark: "There is one word, which I believe defines any good leader." Pantsless?

Rex Ryan is my favorite coach in the league but his video was similarly goofy. At the 49 second mark, the video is so intense it ditches color all together and becomes black and white. I think they could have improved things by making it a silent film where it's just footage of Rex mouthing something intense at you and then a black screen displays the text of what he just said: "Let's go have a God damn snack" They also zoom in on Rex's eyes at the last second before the video ends. Get Coached is the kind of thing which is very difficult to make fun of since it pretty much makes fun of itself, much like the 2010 Dallas Cowboys.

Sean Payton's video makes me sad because he worked under Bill Parcells in Dallas and should have become the head coach after Parcells left. Instead of paying Payton a retention fee and making him the heir, Jerry Jones let Payton walk in 2006 in favor of Wade Phillips and Jason Garrett. In fact, since I love Parcells so much, let me compare his coaching tree to that of Bill Belichick:

Parcells's Tree, the Good: Payton (1 SB), Tom Coughlin (1 SB), Tony Sparano, Todd Haley (all turned around terrible franchises).
Parcells's Tree, the Bad: Ray Handley, Chris Palmer, Al Groh.

Belichick's Tree, the Good: Jim Schwarz, Nick Saban. Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel are good coordinators, but that doesn't count.
Belichick's Tree, the Bad: everyone else. And Saban's only good in college.

 

My picks actually improved a little over the last two weeks. I'm still in last place in my league, but at this point I'm building for the future. I had the Texans getting 7.5 on Thursday night (didn't cover), so this week is already looking pretty bad. Home teams in bold, wish me luck:

New Orleans Saints over Cincinnati Bengals (+6.5)

Chicago Bears over Detroit Lions (+3.5)

Green Bay Packers (-9.5) over San Francisco 49ers

Everyone makes excuses for the Packers when they lose. "But they're so talented!" "But that turnover was a fluke!" "But they outgained the other team by 200 yards!". I used to do this to, but I realized that the Packers' penchant for dumb mistakes at key moments trumps their admittedly high talent level. They deserve to lose every game they've lost.

For example, in last week's loss to Atlanta, if the Packers had EITHER not fumbled at the goal line OR not committed a personal foul on the kickoff which setup the Falcons' game winning drive, Green Bay probably wins that game in overtime. But this is how they lose games. They lost to Chicago despite outgaining them by 100 yards and leading in the fourth quarter, and they lost to the Redskins and Dolphins under similar circumstances. At some point, your team just isn't built to win close games against good teams and it's no longer a fluke.

I think the Packers' season will end in the same way it did for the 2009 Vikings. Last year's Vikings outgained the Saints the NFC Championship Game 475-257. That's 218 yards! Despite four turnovers, the Vikings had the ball with the game tied in the closing seconds and were in New Orleans' territory…when they committed their fifth turnover and lost in overtime. The Packers might not even make the playoffs.

Jacksonville Jaguars over Tennessee Titans (-3.5)

"Well before I get to questions man I'd like to say something…"

Kansas City Chiefs (-8.5) over Denver Broncos

Miami Dolphins (-4.5) over Cleveland Browns

Buffalo Bills over Minnesota Vikings (-6.5)

New York Giants (-7.5) over Washington Redskins

San Diego Chargers (-13.5) over Oakland Raiders

Most NFL fans – myself included – expect the Chargers to win the AFC West and make the playoffs. Still, we should keep in mind that their start sucked so much that in any given week a combination of Chiefs win + Chargers loss would put the Chiefs two games up with less than five games left. Plus, the Chiefs won the first meeting. I'm just sayin'.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+3.5) over Atlanta Falcons

The Falcons are 9-2? They're still frauds! I never get tired of being wrong.

Seattle Seahawks (-5.5) over Carolina Panthers

St Louis Rams over Arizona Cardinals (+3.5)

Indianapolis Colts (-5.5) over Dallas Cowboys

Sobsobsob

Baltimore Ravens (-3.5) over Pittsburgh Steelers

New England Patriots (-3.5) over New York Jets

I hope Rex wins this, but I don't want to pick Sanchez over Brady.

Season Record: 72-104. Yikes.