Bad Games

Drinking games make people behave stupidly. I am a regular, average Joe F. Schmo, and yet I find myself disgusted with the degree to which games such as Kings corrupt the otherwise admirable. Parties themselves, obviously, are fun. The games are awful.

Kings, for example, is a game in which playing cards are randomly selected from a deck by the participants and each card represents a different rule. Some people feel that Kings is a great way to bond among friends, but I firmly believe that there is no such thing as a good game of Kings, because even if you get close, Peja Stojakavic will airball an open three pointer with the season on the line and Vlade Divac never chips in five bucks like he promised.

One such rule represented by one of the cards effectively creates a “game within the game”. This “sub-game”, if you will (which you must), is titled Never Have I Ever and is excruciating to be a part of. One player will name a life experience that they have never done, and other players must lower a finger if they have engaged in said activity. Invariably, the various players will take turns trying to top each other in terms of how many wild, crazy, and cooler-than-thou things they have done. A typical exchange:

Player 1: Never have I ever …no wait, I’ve already done that!!! (giggle)…ok, wait…..never have I ever…[unmentionably explicit act*]

Player 2: (as loudly as possible) SHOULD I PUT DOWN 12 FINGERS!?!?!? LOLZLOLZLOLZ

As you can see, it is awful. There is nothing worse than a culture of one-upsmanship. The worst part about these games is not the partying aspect of it, which is fine. It’s the unnecessary competition over who is coolest based on a very illogical definition.

Other games are no better. Beirut is frequently plagued by one of three problems. Rules sticklers will constantly ask you questions like, “Hey man, is there enough in that cup?” or scold you with phrases like “watch your elbow” and “didn’t make eye contact there”. The other problem is that there are many who feel that it is all about technique and strategy, and decide on Diamond v. Rectangle as if it is the pressing legal decision of our era. These people will also point out that you “are not putting enough arch on it” or “need to bend the knees”. Once again, illogical standards and unnecessary competition conspire to ruin everything. The third and final problem is that the game is really boring.

*Please note that cursing or discussing mature themes is strongly discouraged here on Fundamentally Soundd, as it is uncouth and not very gentlemanly. Being wholesome is more impressive than the alternative, anyway.