Pete Caril, the head coach of the Princeton Tigers basketball team for thirty seasons, developed what is known as the Princeton Offense. The scheme calls for exceptionally well coached players to execute intricately designed plays with precision. Jason Garrett, the offensive coordinator for the Dallas Cowboys and a Princeton graduate, has a slight variant of this with my beloved Cowboys in which poorly coached players wander around aimlessly with 8:1 Super Bowl odds and "Yakkity Sax" playing in the background.
The Cowboys' offense has become stale and predictable. "Predictable" is a word more closely associated with the Eagles' offense, though I think "creepy" fits for them as well since Andy Reid usually opts to distribute candy to children from unmarked vans on third and short. He later challenges his ability to do so, and invariably loses.
I'm three games back of the leader in my picks league after a reasonable 8 win performance in Week 2. Home teams in bold:
San Francisco over Kansas City (+2.5)
I picked the Chiefs to make the playoffs before the season started. Granted, I made the pick in 2009, but still. I could have just acted like every economist and financial analyst of the last two years and said I'm "cautiously optimistic" about the Chiefs future. Why? Because if things go well, I can point to my optimism; if not, I will remind you that I was cautious this whole time anyway. I hate CNBC.
Baltimore (-10.5) over Cleveland
Josh Cribbs and Jerome Harrison are both questionable today, making a terrible offense even worse. Eric Mangini almost had a great coaching career – in his first season, he beat the Pats once and led the Jets to an unlikely playoff berth. After his second season was marred by a slew of injuries, his season three team started off 8-4 and beat the then-undefeated Tennessee Titans by 3 touchdowns in Week 12. Mangini was in commercials for cell phones in the tri-state area. Soon, Favre hurt his elbow, the Jets collapsed, and Mangini got fired. Now he's in Cleveland and he'll probably be fired after this season. Mangini will have won something like six games over two years by the time this season ends – making him the early favorite to be hired by Buffalo in 2012.
Houston (-2.5) over Dallas
I used to say that I would never pick against Dallas since I didn't want conflicting gambling/rooting interests. I looked through the rest of their schedule, and Dallas could finish 4-12 if they get a couple of lucky breaks, but 2-14 is more likely.
Detroit (-10.5) over Minnesota
Jason Whitlock and Bill Simmons have been pushing the idea that Favre would rather be in Mississippi than Minnesota. Since they are the only two sportswriters I read regularly, they hold a disproportionate amount of influence in the way I think about sports, barbecue and season 2 of "90210". Detroit is another reason for Clevelanders to feel crummy about their sports team. The Lions hired a hungry coach instead of a retread and have a nucleus of Stafford, Johnson and Suh around which they can build.
New England (-13.5) over Buffalo
Actually, Clevelanders can feel good that they aren't Bills fans. As Mark Schlereth might say, "(leans in quietly) chan gailey strikes me as a coach who has lost the hearts and minds of this football team. (loudly) THAT'S NOT HOW YOU WIN FOOTBALL GAMES IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!!"
New Orleans (-4.5) over Atlanta
It's possible that the 2010 Falcons are like the 2009 Bengals – a team whose games I pick incorrectly for 15 games.
Tennessee over New York Giants (-3.5)
The Giants defense is horrible and I wouldn't trust Eli Manning to cover this spread or perform quadruple bypass surgery. Only one of these trust issues is relevant, but Eli and I should do trust falls just in case.
Pittsburgh over Tampa Bay (+2.5)
I think the Bucs changed the color of their pants, which is a huge reason for me to pick against them. If my Mark Schlereth Quote Generator is something like "(soft, pseudo-political statement dripping with morality transitioning into LOUD PSEUDO-POLITICAL STATEMENT DRIPPING WITH MORALITY!!!)" then my Jon Gruden Quote Generator is "(nonsense nonsense nonsense cliché cliché nonsense, Jaws?)". For example, "Guys, I'm not so sure that that the BUCS PANTS don't change…the CULTURE OF THAT LOCKER ROOM….Jaws?". Gruden used to be my favorite coach after his amazing work in Oakland and Tampa Bay, and I honestly hope that Jerry Jones throws $50 million at him or Cowher to come coach the Cowboys. But that doesn't change the fact that Gruden is the worst analyst on TV.
Cincinatti over Carolina (+3.5)
Oakland over Arizona (-4.5)
I will not be watching either of these games
Philadelphia over the Los Angeles Jaguars (+2.5)
I can't wait for the Los Angeles Jaguars to play the Toronto Bills in London in Week 18 of the 2013 season. Thank you Roger Goodell for ruining everything.
Washington Redskins over St. Louis Rams (+3.5)
I think Sam Bradford has looked decent through two weeks, but then, so did Ryan Leaf. Ryan Leaf has become the Hitler of NFL quarterback comparisons. In politics, lazy media personalities will say things like "…and you know who ELSE did that?! HITLER!" Ryan Leaf had a brief stint as the starting quarterback in Dallas.
Indianapolis over Denver (+6.5)
Champ Bailey is hurt and the Broncos weren't good enough to beat the Jaguars. Since Week 6 last year, I can't think of a single thing that Broncos fans can be happy about unless, you know, they had a child or found a better job or something. Sports probably mean too much to us.
San Diego over Seattle (+5.5)
The NFL Network is currently airing an incredible miniseries in which they count down the Top 100 Players in NFL History. I know that the point of the list is to be more historic than accurate – in other words, for the entire body of work to serve as a celebration of the league's history and not a definitive list of excellence. Still, the only reason to make lists is to argue about them. And come on! Randy Moss and LaDanian Tomlinson in the mid-'60s??? The top two non-QB offensive talents over the last twelve years aren't top-30?
Randy Moss is the reason the '07 Patriots and '98 Vikings combined to go 34-3* including postseason play. The '07 Patriots are the highest scoring offense of all time…topping only the '98 Vikings. Brian Billick was the offensive coordinator in Minnesota in '98 and can thank Moss for getting him a job as the Ravens head coach (even though the Ravens' offense always sucked with Billick in charge). The search for the next Randy Moss is the reason Matt Millen drafted something like four hundred wide receivers with a top-5 draft pick. Packers GM Ted Thompson's mind-boggling refusal to pay Randy Moss market value is the reason Brett Favre left the Packers and ended up destroying his own legacy.
I meant to write something about Tomlinson as well, but that Randy Moss rant really took a lot out of me. I write when I want to write.
New York Jets
(+1.5) over Miami
Miami is a very good team. But the Jets' Week 2 win over the Patriots could act as a catalyst for this team to go on a winning streak or, at the very least, what Krusty the clown refers to as "the bender to end all benders". I love the Michigan Wolverines but I'm disgusted by Braylon Edwards's actions. Braylon should have done what all college kids do after a night out – namely, stumbled into WaWa at 5 am and purchased 3,500 calories worth of food. That and not driven.
Green Bay (-3.5) over Chicago
Mike Martz has been the recipient of a lot of love from the pundit class this week. Here are some things to keep in mind:
- His wins came against Detroit (the Bears only scored 19 points) and Dallas (the Cowboys suck).
- The Greatest Show on Turf was created by Dick Vermeil, not Mike Martz. Martz took Vermeil's roster and talent and turned it into Marc Bulger and zero Super Bowl wins.
- The 2001 Patriots are clearly the least talented champion of the last 15 years. Martz played into Bellichick's hands by refusing to run the offense through Marshall Faulk – the league's MVP that year. I'm not taking anything away from what the 2001 Patriots did – they were a smart, gritty team which played the game the right way (vomits). But Martz's arrogance cost the Rams a second title.
- After Martz left the Rams, he went 10-19 in two seasons as Detroit's coach before becoming the 49ers' offensive coordinator. Martz's Wikipedia page actually includes the quote "Martz lobbied for journeyman J.T. O'Sullivan" to be the team's quarterback. Again, this man does not have great judgement.
Last Week: 8-8
Season: 12-20
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