America’s Game of the Week

Three important events happened in the last five days:

1. Mark Schlereth delivered a devastating takedown of Roger Goodell's hypocrisy on SportsCenter on Tuesday. I frequently make fun of Schlereth, but I dislike when blogs become snarky or sarcastic as part of a schtick and refuse to admit when they were wrong. I am not a fan of Schlereth's analysis of football games but credit must be given where due. The league's refusal to pay for players' healthcare costs after March and its insistence on an 18 game schedule contradict its newfound desire to mitigate the effects of concussions. Kudos to Schlereth. At least he wasn't like Dennis Miller, who during his time as a Monday Night Football broadcaster was unable to comment on a football game without a joke involving the connection between socialism, Jean-Paul Sartre and short yardage situations.
   
2. Bill Simmons used a hilarious Jon Gruden impression in his column, which means I have to retire mine.
   
3. My roommate Neil decided to alter his diet so that it matches his girlfriend's. As far as I can tell, she eats nothing but allergens. Our cabinets are now filled with peanut butter, grass clippings, rag weed, and pollen.
   

Here are some more points which follow numbers, because it is lazy writing:

1. Halloween is coming up next week. I was thinking of going as Waldo, but I realized that he's one of the dirtiest hipsters in all of child literature. Waldo wears skinny jeans, a horizontal striped shirt, thick glasses and a goofy hat. He also has a cane. Plus, like all hipsters, he's always trying to be seen without being seen. You know, the whole "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME…can't believe you're looking at me" mentality. I saw Waldo at a Hanson concert last week, which he presumably attended due to the irony.
   
2. I have a friend who is dressing as Lara Croft, Tomb Raider for Halloween. I guess that's all right except it ruins my plans to dress as Lara Croftman, D.D.S. – one of the most badass yet sexy dentists of all time.
   
3. I participated in an info session recently in which upperclassmen answer questions that freshmen and sophomores have about the internship application process. One panelist commented that during her performance review last summer her manager kept telling her to "be proactive", so I made a joke about acne when she was done speaking. She has clear skin so it wasn't mean. Still, I got nothing but crickets. Another awful joke:
   
4. My friend Vadim and I were making plans to throw around a football a few days ago, but his text said he had to "get his landry first". I immediately pounced on his typo with this response: "LaRon? Yeah he can come too. (groan)" I groaned at my own joke because I knew it sucked, but if I didn't make it then it would have fermented inside of me and became a joke that was 100x worse. Probably something about socialism, Jean-Paul Sartre and short yardage situations.
   

The Dallas Cowboys and I did not fare well last week. I fell to last place in my league after going 4-10, and Dallas's season appears to be over. I'm putting myself on the hot seat and I'm probably going to fire myself after the season. True story – I actually forgot to click one of the games when I submitted my picks. I was trying to think of a metaphor for my sloppiness, but I can't stop thinking of Sasha Vuijaicic.

Home teams in bold. Wish me luck:

Cincinatti Bengals over Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)

Washington Redskins over Chicago Bears (-2.5)

The Falcons and Bears are bad teams with records which are inflated due to unlikely wins. The Bengals' helmets look like bad combovers, but still.

Tennessee Titans (-3.5) over Philadelphia Eagles

It's a shame that this game is in Tennessee because then the game would be on CBS in the Philly area. As you know, Fox covers NFC games and CBS provides low quality video which presumably contains AFC game footage embedded somewhere in it. Anyway, in the case of interconference games, the road team's network gets to carry the game. I kind of like when this happens because it's like taking a vacation from reality (like growing a moustache or becoming unstuck in space-time).

Kansas City Chiefs (-5.5) over Jacksonville Jaguars

Miami Dolphins (+3.5) over Pittsburgh Steelers

Miami's going to make Pittsburgh wear its black uniforms in South Florida heat, which I imagine will make the vaunted Steelers mildly uncomfortable. I am basing my pick solely on this observation. Did I mention I'm in last place in my picks league?

New Orleans Saints (-13.5) over Cleveland Browns

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-2.5) over St. Louis Rams

This matchup was Patriots-Colts before Patriots-Colts was Patriots-Colts. Expect Jacquez Green to have a breakout game.

San Francisco 49ers at Carolina Panthers (+3.5)

John Fox is having the worst contract year since King John in 1215. That's right, a Magna Carta joke! Dennis Miller lives, baby!!!!!!!!

Baltimore Ravens (-13.5) over Oklahoma City Bills

I feel horrible for Buffalo fans and the team's owner, Ralph Wilson. Wilson is 92 years old and recently said something to the effect of "I may not be around by the time we start winning again".

Arizona Cardinals over Seattle Seahawks (-5.5)

Fox always puts the best NFC matchup of the week at 4 pm. Last week, they debuted the title "America's Game of the Week" for the marquee game. I wasn't against it since the title made sense – Dallas at Minnesota was a big game. This week, Arizona at Seattle is the 4 pm game…and Fox has hilariously refused to promote it as America's Game of the Week. My guess is that they put this game together at the last minute before it was due and forgot to include the title page.

San Diego Chargers (-2.5) over New England Patriots

I will continue to hate on the Pats due to my loyalty to Randy Moss. Moss changed his number back to 84 since rejoining the Vikings, and I always wondered why players pick certain numbers. I always root for convoluted stories like "Well, I chose the number 7 due to its representation of pH neutrality, which is also in line with my Swiss ancestry."

Denver Broncos (-6.5) over Oakland Raiders

Minnesota Vikings over Green Bay Packers (-2.5)

Two great rivalries with great aesthetics. That's pretty much all I ask for in sports.

Dallas Cowboys (-2.5) over New York Giants

I can't believe that Vegas keeps giving the Cowboys love even though we suck. I am looking forward to Week 17, when the 1-14 Cowboys are 10.5 point favorites over the Eagles in the season finale.

Last Week: 4-10

Overall: 35-53 (but I really am a huge NFL fan, I swear. Vegas is just better than me.)